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I've touched on this here before but my INFP girlfriend "processes" emotional stuff so much. It's usually 1-2 days per week she's processing and on those days she doesn't text much and exhausts herself to the point of going to bed early and not wanting to phone chat (which we only do every few days anyways).

I kinda hoped the more we got to know each other, the quicker she resolves this stuff. I'm understanding her better but is there any way to speed this thing up - or would that just drive her off?

If she can process in a couple hours even would be great.
 

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I've touched on this here before but my INFP girlfriend "processes" emotional stuff so much. It's usually 1-2 days per week she's processing and on those days she doesn't text much and exhausts herself to the point of going to bed early and not wanting to phone chat (which we only do every few days anyways).

I kinda hoped the more we got to know each other, the quicker she resolves this stuff. I'm understanding her better but is there any way to speed this thing up - or would that just drive her off?

If she can process in a couple hours even would be great.
Don't force it, you're impatience is showing. I, too, am eager to spend time with a romantic partner, especially when it's fresh, but you're going push her away if you don't practice some restraint and just let events unfold naturally.
 

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I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like you're pretty critical of this relationship of yours. You may be critical in its favor, but you're still being critical of it, and that's not a good thing. I think instead of speeding things up, you both need to slow down and take it more easy.

How she processes things is none of your business to be interfering with, so accept her as she is, not as a label--not as an "INFP" or an "INFP girlfriend" but as a human being who transcends the sum of her parts. Enjoy her company and don't worry so much about what does or doesn't happen in your relationship, or what you perceive needs fixing. I understand you just want to do it right and be the best boyfriend you can be for her, but too much anxiety and micromanagement on your end will cause you both to burn out and unintentionally create distance between you two. She seems to really like you, so don't go ruining a beautiful thing. Enjoy what you have today instead of trying to race out to capture the ever elusive future.
 

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Processing things in her head longer than you usually do isn't anything bad to be complained about. Look at it from different angle - it could make you more patient and less restless over time too :) I had something similar at the beginning of my relationship that the other party was much more analytical (INFJ) and processes stuff quite differently in her mind but this has had a calming effect on my otherwise restless and impatient nature, which is good. And where's there to hurry - if you match well, you'll anyway eventually get all that you want :)
 

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I really admire your energy! I'm sure she does as well. It takes me years to really open up to someone, however, mostly to get to know them. The enfps I've known have struggled with commitment, which is another reason it took me a while. I need to know that a long term relationship is favored. Guaranteed. Patience is very important.

Know that your enthusiasm and spontaneity is definitely valued, but I think infps also do need their space and time. I know I do. Try not to rush it, take it easy and let it flow. You can also always be honest about how you feel and just ramble about it.

As long as it doesn't come off as tethering or condemning her for it (I hate this), I'd say you should be fine. Enfps in my experience have a wicked high EQ and their communication/ability to make people feel comfortable is pretty on point. How you respond during her mini withdrawal periods will be important towards her comfort levels and how she feels about you.
 

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You should probably slow your roll. Good things take time. ;-]

I kinda hoped the more we got to know each other, the quicker she resolves this stuff.
Not sure why you thought this: processing doesn't change due to external circumstances (unless things are so overwhelming that emotional processing doesn't happen at all---which is a stressed/unhealthy INFP). Relax, and continue to let her do her own thing. If you let on that you wish she would speed up, things aren't going to go well.

It takes me 3-4 days to process emotional swings/events/etc., so she's already plenty speedy in my eyes. Don't try to change her or 'influence' this aspect...let her keep her mental space to herself, and busy yourself those days that she chooses to take time away from you. She needs space to breathe. If you try to infringe on that, watch out!
 

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I don't have much knowledge but I'm sharing what I know. One of the most important things to any INFP is space and time, give them what they need and they will give it back to you late, sometimes it comes double of what they gain, which mean that long processing could give better result that what you are waiting for, so please some more time.

I think it's possible to speed up processing but it could give back a bad impact on your relationship, The INFPs that I know usually takes 2days or more to process emotional stuff, so i guess your girlfriend is considered abit faster than usual. This time that she take for processing is usually for desire, from my knowledge INFPs usually doesn't need this kind of relationship yet they would enter it when they want, so this time is used to connect things inside their minds and hearts to make you something they desire which means most likely they would give alot of effort to keep you around them when they are comfortable with you around.

This only my personal thoughts and know it could be different cases here, but I hope to share this will give some help around.:happy:
 

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I've read some of your other posts about your new relationship and think your efforts are mighty sweet. I can't speak for your gf, but I'd say that for me there'll be two elements to process here. The first is learning to trust the new partner, especially if I've been hurt before. It seems your efforts to be open and frank with her has gained you a lot of ground. The second would be learning to trust what I feel about the person with whom I'm falling in love. I'm aware of having a tendency of putting people on a pedestal or idealizing them and so try hard to see them for who they are, otherwise it wouldn't be fair to them when the magic dust wears off. And at the same time, I can't help but feel attracted to the person. This is a lot of push-pull emotions to process, on top of dealing with the former trust issues, and making sure that I won't get hurt, that I'm not wrong about what I feel, or about the person I'm getting to know, etc.

Getting to know a person better doesn't make the fears suddenly go away. In fact, it sometimes makes me more fearful and guarded: what if things go wrong when I get too comfortable? Or that the pressure to move faster will then establish a kind of co-dependency that I don't want in the first place? As an INFP, when someone asks me to trust them and I do, it is quite a big deal in that it means I think they understand just how sensitive I am about things and people. And now if they hurt me inadvertently in this relationship of trust, it's really painful (even if it might be an inconsequential matter from an objective point of view)—I can't risk that. I'm aware of just how silly such sensitivity can be and still I can't help what I feel, but do they? Are they really sure? Etc. It takes a while to be ready for that kind of trust. When someone isn't ready, they simply aren't. Pushing someone to get to where you want will only backfire or eventually push them away.

Why do you want to get there so quickly? When I decide for sure that I want someone in my life, I'm in it for the long haul and would take my time, letting the person reveal themselves to me. And deciding that takes a while. You're gonna want to be spending a long time with this person so what does it matter if it's a few more months? And what if this is her default way of working through things, hurt or not? I understand that you want to spend a lot of time with her and get to know her, etc., but patience is key here, as pointed out by other posters. She probably wants to spend all her time with you too and you should feel good that she's taking it slow because it means she is really considering the impact of her actions on you, even if she's not clear what these actions and impacts are as yet. She's more than just an amalgamation of INFP behaviours. Healing takes time and you have in your hands a special person (you saw that!) who needs time to heal from her past hurt.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
The INFPs that I know usually takes 2days or more to process emotional stuff, so i guess your girlfriend is considered abit faster than usual. This time that she take for processing is usually for desire, from my knowledge INFPs usually doesn't need this kind of relationship yet they would enter it when they want, so this time is used to connect things inside their minds and hearts to make you something they desire which means most likely they would give alot of effort to keep you around them when they are comfortable with you around.
Thanks for this, you nailed the time frame. I'm trying to be patient but a pattern has established where she processes about 2 days a week, contact becomes very limited and we certainly do not see each other. She doesn't want to talk on the phone and barely texts. Now, people can say I'm being selfish for wanting more, or hoping this sped up, but the fact is right now I have a relationship 5 days a week, not 7. And I'm doing my best getting used to it but I admit it's very hard.
 

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Why do you want to get there so quickly? When I decide for sure that I want someone in my life, I'm in it for the long haul and would take my time, letting the person reveal themselves to me. And deciding that takes a while. You're gonna want to be spending a long time with this person so what does it matter if it's a few more months? And what if this is her default way of working through things, hurt or not? I understand that you want to spend a lot of time with her and get to know her, etc., but patience is key here, as pointed out by other posters. She probably wants to spend all her time with you too and you should feel good that she's taking it slow because it means she is really considering the impact of her actions on you, even if she's not clear what these actions and impacts are as yet. She's more than just an amalgamation of INFP behaviours. Healing takes time and you have in your hands a special person (you saw that!) who needs time to heal from her past hurt.
I wanted to single out your response too since it was so heartfelt and had so much effort, thanks :)

I don't want to *rush* her, I just wish we could work together to reduce the processing time since it's so significant. I mean, as I alluded to on my post above, she more or less shuts down into a "sleep mode" for her two processing days. She does make an effort to get in touch via text 1-2 times per day but that's it. Since processing for her has patterned to days even (usually Sun-Mon) it also knocks out a weekend day for us to hang out.

Plus I'm not sure how healthy it is? She mentions this processing leads to fatigue, aching muscles, upset stomach, and other minor stress-induced issues like that.

We do have a great relationship the other days of the week when we actually talk or hang out. The chemistry is great, romantic, fun, and deep. But I'm losing her 30% of the week right now in a time where as an ENFP I'm very excited and desperate to know her more.
 

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Not to naysay anyone, But one can increase emotional processing speed or choose to process it socially (not that accomplishing that is easy, nor can someone do much to get someone else to do that). and I would expect a good relationship to end up processing together. however it may be in early relationships when she described her unformed emotions the partner was triggered by it making her think it was unsafe... this can being more cautious in future relationships. But the idea that someone would "always" have to retreat 3-4 days is limiting and useless in my eyes. However I would agree with others not to be critical, try to fix, or try to force her to "grow".
 

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Thanks :)

Since processing for her has patterned to days even (usually Sun-Mon) it also knocks out a weekend day for us to hang out.
That's a bummer for a new relationship where it makes sense that both parties can't get enough of each other but instead you have to deal with her wanting her own time away from you, especially during weekends.

Plus I'm not sure how healthy it is? She mentions this processing leads to fatigue, aching muscles, upset stomach, and other minor stress-induced issues like that.
From the sounds of it, it's probably not good. Perhaps there are other issues causing her stress on top of the new relationship. Someone mentioned that you should let her know how you feel but be careful not to make it seem like you're pushing her. I know you're not, but if my partner says that to me, despite the clear rationality behind such communication I can't help but take it personally initially. But letting her know you're concerned about her health is a good way to go. Or just suggest relaxing activities to do so long as you make it clear you're not going to try and get her to talk if she doesn't want to. Sometimes I just want to tell someone how awful I feel but not have them fix it, though I recognize the double standard of me wanting and trying to fix someone else's problem the moment they confide in me.

I'd appreciate it if a partner tries to reach out and would feel loved that someone wants to share my burden but there'll be many reasons why I won't take up the offer of help. The first refers again to these issues of trust mentioned earlier, the second points to the notion of "being a burden to someone else," and the third is that I really need to work things out on my own to a certain level before I can allow someone to "help" me. Things need to feel clear in some way (an action to take, the clarity of one emotion out of many) before I open up my space. She might be going through one or all or none of these perspectives—can't speak for her. Still, the awareness that my partner is concerned would sink in sooner or later and I'd try to break the isolating habit in a bid to improve the relationship. And so I'd say things will probably change, maybe when she sees that it's causing you a good amount of stress. You both talked through that shirt incident, and the journal thing too, right? You gotta hang in there (once more). Imho, your patience is being pushed to its limits and you're still trying. That says so much about how stable and secure you aim to be for her. She must see that? I apologize if I've assumed any contexts or perspectives.
 
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Without being in her shoes you are never really going to understand and that is something you can't change as you should be more supportive rather than wanting there to be a change.
 

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1) short of a lobotomy you can't
2) What are the issues that drain her? (stressful job or home environment, her parents, illness in the family, her kids, her own illness, depression etc.)
3) Her body's reactions to stress are not minor in my book. She is dealing with something.
4) Do you feel that you guys have established a trustful relationship? How much do you trust each other? She has to deal with the baggage of her previous relationships. Some of the things that you guys do can be triggering to her. She might even test you.
I think that she would appreciate your patience. If she wants to share let her. Do not make her share. She might shut down even more. INFPs in a bad mood sometimes rebel against assistance. They do not be like to be showered by advice. Personally, I share when I am ready, but I appreciate listening not interrupting and fixing.
5) What would you do if this was a long distance relationship? What would happen if you were a husband and a wife and one of you is in the Army? How would that work if you call each other every 7 days? Would that be 52 days per year relationship?
Too high expectations could kill a relationship. Adjust to each other's personalities.
 

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One thing I'd like to add, is that the enfp I met was the first guy to ever give me space without a problem. I can't fully put into words how beyond attractive this is.

It's not just because he didn't sound desperate, but also that he never condemned or tethered me for withdrawing. I'm used to niceguys who kept (angrily) bugging me/blaming me for not texting them back for a couple hours/getting overly dramatic over a single thing I said and thinking I was in love with them, ect. I'm used to: "You led me on, how dare you not text me back, we knew each other for 2 weeks that's plenty enough time!" (and much worse than this)

Enfp, however, was the complete opposite, and it makes sense as he is very self aware, open minded, and amazing at understanding emotions. I was (still am) beyond impressed. In the past I've heard of communication being stellar among these types, but I didn't know it would be this good. I simply haven't experienced anything like it.

So, I am writing this to emphasize how important it is that you give her space and time to get to know you, and that very well may take years. Which I personally don't think is very long (yes I am bias to an extent because my sense of time is horrendous but, still) I really don't understand people who hook up within weeks or months, that's just not me at all. But I also strongly believe that it takes years to truly understand the core of an adult.

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my INFP girlfriend "processes" emotional stuff so much. It's usually 1-2 days per week
I also had another idea/thought related to this.

When I receive emotional texts, it does often (not always) take me a couple days to come up with the full 100% response. Of course we'll talk about different things in the meantime as usual, but the main course might be on the backburner until maybe the next day.

 
Secret: There's kinda a delay in the kitchen okay...before I put my response in the oven...I fangirl and fantasize over the emotional text first. The more charming and doveylicious, the longer the delay takes. I sorry. And now I shall put this in spoilers, since I don't underestimate enfp's randomly finding stuff skills. *-*


I have learned to try to go faster, especially if enfp needs comfort in real time. See, the problem is that I struggle living in the moment. In fact, I can only barely comprehend what that feels like. But that's one of the things I love about an infp x enfp combo.

 
Enfp helps me to learn how to live in the moment and take risks, and he told me I help to ground him (and that I am his Jiminy Cricket, which is super flattering).
I'm bias but I don't agree with the people who say there are too many similarities between the two. I thoroughly disagree. I agree as far as P is concerned, but everything else? Only the good things...like communication...he helps me to be more open to change, to put myself out there, ect. Many positive differences.

Anyway, one thing I don't know is how often you guys converse over emotional subjects. If you want some responses now (which is understandable, enfps get lonely and need some lovins), maybe switch it to something unrelated, like talk about a meal you had or I dunno some random awesome theory about cats you came up with, just anything like that.
 

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@Moby85.

Well...like here you are bending over backwards, does she show up for you emotionally? Is she present for you? Have you told her you feel lonely and rejected during this time? If she doesn’t care about that enough to change, I’d be warned. People are on their best behavior while dating and I think we are highly mistaken that anything can be healed with love. I think this is a world without a perfect climate and people can thrive in horrible conditions or not thrive in the best of conditions, depending on the person. What’s going to happen when the going gets tough in life with this one?
Supposedly we seek for relationships that remind us of the kind of “crazy” that was in our families growing up. Maybe your kind of love and sunshine isn’t even computing for her. I think that’s often the case when dealing with 9s who in my opinion aren’t motivated by happiness. I’m unsure what motivates 4s, but anyway it’s better to look at these things now.
 
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