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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all,
So this is my first post, though I have been reading these forums for years. I have found the information on here to be very helpful to me in regards to communicating with, and truly understanding different personality types.

I have always had a rocky relationship with my dad (He is an ESTJ and I am INTP). We don't really have a personal relationship - the only way he can relate to me is by giving me "life advice". The only time he respects me as a person is if I comply with his wishes. As I got into my 20s, his influence grew less and less, and I became much happier with myself as a person. Since then, he has more or less disowned me. He doesn't try to make contact with me, doesn't call me on my birthday, doesn't ask me about my life. Even when I visit home for holidays, he mostly ignores me.
He has proven time and time again that he doesn't trust me. When I was in my teens, he would search through my things, lie to me about it, guilt trip me, and even threaten to leave our family. He verbally and emotionally abuses my mom on a daily basis and will completely shut people out if they don't agree with him. He verbally assaults me whenever I see him. He will say that I am a weirdo, have no social skills, can't hold a job, that I am a homosexual, detached from the "real world", pot head, etc... Some of these things are partially true, but for the most part I am pretty well off in life. I have never been in trouble with the law. I have a good degree from one of the top 10 universities in CA. I run my own contracting business as a freelance software developer. I have a really wonderful girlfriend and am deathly loyal to the people I care about.

I am going to bring my new girlfriend home to meet my parents in a couple weeks, and I am worried that my dad will use her to manipulate me in some way. This may sound paranoid, and I know people are usually anxious to bring home someone new to meet the folks, but I have a strong feeling this is a very likely scenario. He knows that I really care about her, and he is the type to use anything at his disposal to get what he wants. He can be very charming and clever, and he is very socially capable. My girlfriend knows a bit about him, but I haven't really laid out how crazy he is.

An obvious solution would be not to have her meet my dad, which has been my default solution in the types of situations. But, we are leaving for S. America shortly, and I really want her to meet my mom and my friends back home. She also wants to meet my family, but I don't know how to prepare her for this. Any thoughts or strategies are appreciated. Thank you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
For instance, you are all sitting around the table having dinner and conversation. Your dad laughs between open chews and says, "You know, for a long time I thought my son was going to be gay!"

Instead of your girl friend kind of sitting back awkwardly with you saying, "Dad, please."

Your girl friend flicks her head over to you with a warm smile, and she says, "Hmm... I don't think a gay guy could have kissed me the same way he did with our first kiss."
LOL! That's great. Fortunately, she is the type to hold her own ground. My guess is she's a ENFJ, though she's never taken the test.
I think my dad will respect that about her. He seems to respect people that he can't push around easily. I am more worried that he will act totally friendly and social at first, compliment her, build up report, etc... He won't act like an asshole. Since she is very susceptible to flattery and has a strong desire to please, she will want him to like her in order to fit in with my family. My dad will almost definitely recognize this and leverage it against her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
@Jennywocky & @xlr8r, thank you both for your insights. I think meeting away from the home could be potential option.

Presenting his gf to his father just shows his submission and feeds the father's bully instinct.
Personally, I feel like not having her meet him would be a more submissive approach. I have found that I pay a larger price by avoiding the things that make me feel uncomfortable, rather than dealing with whatever the difficulty may be. Especially if this relationship turns out to be long term.

Currently, my plan is just to prep her on what to expect, and then just play it real cool when he starts his shit. I feel very protective of her, but I know she has a good intuition and good common sense.

My dad's an ESTP, but I see a lot of similarities between your father and mine. Same kind of lack of respect for boundaries, some seeming indifference / lack of interest, and then also the abandonment where he's kind of cut himself out of your life.
my parents are alcoholics as well. [internet hug] I have noticed the same trend. He will forcibly try and inject himself into my life, and then if I try to get space, he will act totally indifferent to me afterwards. It's like a leap from one extreme to the next..
 
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