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Ok, so I've hit a roadblock with the INFP I mentioned on another thread here, that I'm dating. She has brought up in every phone conversation and text conversation the past week that "you be you" and "you don't need to act a certain way around me, I will still like you." or like last night "I'm still questioning if you're being inauthentic in your charm."

The problem is I am just being me, 100%! I am an extroverted and confident ENFP with very low (1%) neuroticism scores according to the Big 5 test. But I am getting frustrated with this girl being unable to trust me that I am myself around her. There are two problems here:

1.) As an ENFP I similarly value authenticity and are therefore frustrated when being accused/implied that I am being inauthentic when I am just being myself.

2.) I can't *do* anything to prove authenticity. At least I don't think, because doing something would then create a paradox of actually being inauthentic to try to put her heart at ease, right?

If this keeps up its going to be a serious issue so I'm just wondering if you INFPs can see a 'third way' that I can somehow convince this girl I'm just being Matt.
 

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Kinda along the lines of clem's response, but actions speak louder than words.

I would ask her what specific things you do/don't do that make her distrust your authenticity, but I can't say I have ever felt the need to constantly provoke people to be real with me. I just wait, as time goes on things will become clear.

The only things I could think of that might trigger this feeling (that she has) is not having conversations other than about superficial topics. Or, only seeing someone in a certain environment (like work, etc.).

I haven't had any experiences with ENFP that would make me hesitate, so be aware that it could be her projecting her doubts onto you as well (we have a tendency to overthink little things too..). If anything, just reassure her that you are who you say you are, by your actions. If it's all good, it'll be natural to give her that reassurance. And maybe bring up the fact that you feel frustrated if she says you are being inauthentic. Don't be disgruntled in hiding, communicate!
 

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Kinda along the lines of clem's response, but actions speak louder than words.

I would ask her what specific things you do/don't do that make her distrust your authenticity, but I can't say I have ever felt the need to constantly provoke people to be real with me. I just wait, as time goes on things will become clear.

The only things I could think of that might trigger this feeling (that she has) is not having conversations other than about superficial topics. Or, only seeing someone in a certain environment (like work, etc.).

I haven't had any experiences with ENFP that would make me hesitate, so be aware that it could be her projecting her doubts onto you as well (we have a tendency to overthink little things too..). If anything, just reassure her that you are who you say you are, by your actions. If it's all good, it'll be natural to give her that reassurance. And maybe bring up the fact that you feel frustrated if she says you are being inauthentic. Don't be disgruntled in hiding, communicate!
Thanks @neutralchaotic ! This issue is 100% on her to resolve, truth be told. However, it's a conversation that needs to be had as it's starting to drive a wedge into us, it's starting to push me from her and she needs to know that. I haven't been a hypocrite with her either - I've not once doubted what she's told me.

She has mentioned previously that she thinks my confidence level is too high to be realistic and that I might be using charm to try to manipulate her. For example, on our second date after dinner when we moved to the couch she sat on the opposite end and I said "No you don't, get over here." And pulled her close to cuddle. She liked it, we held hands, gazed into each other's eyes, totally romantic and she was totally into it. But said the next day that she doesn't usually do that the 2nd date and she hoped I wasn't manipulating her with my charm.

I mean I usually am making out by the end of the 1st date or 2nd date at the latest and I told her that. So yeah...I was taking it super slow with her.
 

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Definitely, seeing as you're being pretty transparent with her. Having that conversation just to say 'hey, if you keep accusing me without evidence, then there's no reason to continue'. I would highly doubt either of you would date someone you don't trust, so either she's truly sensing something, or she's having a hard time believing you're actually, gasp, really confident and sure of what you want. ;-] Best of luck to you, though!
 

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Difficult situation, because I would need to ask her what exactly did she see that you did that made her think repeatedly that you're inauthentic.
I dated ENFP creature in the past, and I did have moments of feeling repulsed by him at a gut level because he seemed inauthentic to me. Whenever I told him my concerns, as kindly as I could, he obvsly got defensive, and it makes perfect sense, because who in the world likes to be accused of being fake? It was such a difficult situation.

I don't remember too much of my experience, but I do remember that he was so people pleasing that when we would socialize in a group, he would morph into a different person, become super duper people pleasing, and he would discard the beliefs that I knew for a fact he held (cause he would tell me his whole entire life in private) and he would tell people what they wanted to hear, he would play the mega nice card, and allow people to impose their views on him. He would play along, say either self deprecating jokes or arrogant jokes bordering ENTP craziness, he was just so unnatural around other people. When we were alone, we was an entire different person, with strong opinions, and he wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear, he told me what he believed truly. But in public, he disappeared himself entirely.

Options/possibilities I can think of
* I wonder if you guys have been together in public and she's seen you behave around people in a way that contradicts the image she has of you in private.
* If accidentally you've contradicted yourself repeatedly, and she's seeing a pattern. My ENFP was very contradictory, as Ne would run the show, and what Fi believed right now, suddenly Ne would make the ENFP do the total opposite. Example, ENFP would give me a 3 hour lecture on how veganism was the way to go, how important it was, etc, and literally 5 hours later he'd say "Let's go eat chicken nuggets" and I'd say "Weren't you into veganism?" and he'd blush, stammer and tell me some other story about chicken being important and good for the planet. ENTPs do the same. If Ne runs the show, behavior is all about eternal exploration with little moral compass, this is what Fi dom is seeing anyways, a lack of consistent behavior, actions matching words, that sort of thing.
* What if she saw something about you on social media that is making her doubt your authenticity? I don't know, this shit happens all the time.

Just consider that maybe, just maybe, you've done behaviors that are inconsistent or contradictory, and this raised red flags for her.

Here's my thoughts based on my experience with the ENFP
Stop telling her "But I'm being me, just trust my word", that is zero productive, because like you said, you can't prove authenticity.
What is authenticity in my definition? Thoughts, Words and Actions match.
You need to ask her for specific situations that happened that made her reach that conclusion. And prepare to accept and digest the answers.
The trickiest parts are
She - Avoids telling you examples and specifics because she's afraid you'll get defensive and call her crazy and that everything she's seeing is invalid and stupid. Telling you the specifics is a risk, cause there will be an argument, and who wants to argue? nobody.
You - Upon hearing specifics, you will believe that she was hallucinating, that her brain is fucked up or something for seeing you in that light, because you know in your own brain that you are a person of honor and integrity, so she's delusional.

Something along those lines.
Having the conversation won't be pleasant, but unless she tells you exactly what happened, you have nothing to work with except "Just trust my word, because I say so".
Maybe there's situations that happened that need clarification.

Continuing to put up with someone who constantly accuses you of being inauthentic will only damage your morale. Please stay sane. Address the things bluntly, so they don't accumulate and make you feel crazy.

What does she even mean about your charm? Does she think you're flirting with other women?

2nd thing, besides asking for specifics so you know exactly what you're working with, if I were you, I would ask something like "what can I do to gain your trust in this topic?" she needs to give examples of what authenticity looks like exactly. When I'm confronted about my behavior getting misunderstood and I don't know what to do, I ask for feedback, honestly, "What can I do to XYZ?", I listen to what their definition looks like, and I filter their opinion thru my Fi. If it seems logical and moral, I'll try to do more of that to the best of my abilities.
For example, ENFP would get cryptically upset, and only if I asked directly he would finally tell me that he thought I was too blunt and cold. Now, being super mushy is not who I am, I tend to be on the cerebral side, and can be super judgy of people, so even if I knew I was a sensitive loving person, clearly this person was getting hurt by a coldness I was aloof about, so I tried to be more conscious of my cold blunt ways. I thought that his feedback was good information to see how I'm perceived from the outside, and it would be good for me to effort in the mushy department. It was good growth.
So ask and try to keep an open mind, don't feel defensive, and take your time to think about what she's saying and if it's of benefit to you to correct something somewhere that maybe happened by accident.

All you can do is talk it out with her, really.
 

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She is perhaps trying to figure out how to raise an issue that concerns her so she’s talking in vague terms instead of being direct. I’d ask her. “It seems there are things I’m doing that make you question my actions. Is there something you’d like to talk about?”

When my gut tells me something is bothering me it can take me weeks or months to figure out all the complexities. That said, her vague complaints aren’t really helpful and she risks poisoning things.
 
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She may suspect you a little of being a player. Here for the thrills tonight, gone tomorrow. You trying to "manipulate her with charm" and all. Does she know about your dating preferences?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Definitely, seeing as you're being pretty transparent with her. Having that conversation just to say 'hey, if you keep accusing me without evidence, then there's no reason to continue'. I would highly doubt either of you would date someone you don't trust, so either she's truly sensing something, or she's having a hard time believing you're actually, gasp, really confident and sure of what you want. ;-] Best of luck to you, though!
I had this chat with her last night on the phone. She confessed she can't get over feelings that I'm "too good to be true" and she says she keeps mentally preparing herself for me to disappoint her and have the facade all fall down.

I tried (reasonably successfully) to put her heart at ease that I've just been myself. What I said that really seemed to have a good impact on her is I said "I'm taking what you're saying as really encouraging. Because I know I've just been me all along, and I know I'm going to consistently stay this way because it's authentic."

She seemed to really like that positive spin. I tried to end our call soon after as it was 1AM on weeknight but she pleaded in her sweet super-feminine voice "No Matt...I don't want it to end." So we kept on until 2:15AM. Now she's blowing up my phone with texts already, so all good.

P.S. She seems to get super turned on everytime I confess a flaw or challenge to her. Is this an INFP thing lol?
 

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" What are you talking about, I feel like you are making all this up in your head." Is exactly what I would say.

So third option I would say is to challenge her claim.
 

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Seems like you guys have some great chemistry and in having a bit of a talk, hopefully as more time goes by, she'll truly see that you are you...through and through. HOWEVER... always keep communication open. If you feel any resentment, get that nipped in the bud right away with a discussion with her.
 

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I had this chat with her last night on the phone. She confessed she can't get over feelings that I'm "too good to be true" and she says she keeps mentally preparing herself for me to disappoint her and have the facade all fall down.


P.S. She seems to get super turned on everytime I confess a flaw or challenge to her. Is this an INFP thing lol?
Yes, it's an INFP thing LOL. Type 4 probably.

She might fear that things are being too perfect and since life is not perfect will she be ok with the imperfections.
Maybe that's why she thinks maybe you are putting up a good behavior front in the beginning before things get difficult or "real"? Like she might not know what you look like when you are not trying to charm her.
 

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I think entheos' post is spot on.

I also keep thinking, when reading your posts, about how authenticity can only really be understood if you allow it to be seen.

So seems to me she has more questions about your intentions, about who you are, about what you want in the relationship, and how you feel about her.

I would think it sounds like she wants to get a better understanding of you. And you are the only one who can give that to her--but it does have to do with the consistency or connections between your thoughts, actions, and words.

Maybe ask her if she has any specific concerns, then try to understand them from her point of view--from the point of view that she likes you and she really wants the best, but she's got valid concerns that relate to her well being.

I also agree that it takes time to build trust. And it really takes time to get to know someone. So try to be the best person you can be, and I think it will all work out.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Maybe that's why she thinks maybe you are putting up a good behavior front in the beginning before things get difficult or "real"? Like she might not know what you look like when you are not trying to charm her.
This responds to @CreakyPier too. Her concern isn't just good behavior (that's part of it) but she also wonders if my very high self confidence is a persona. My neuroticism (1/100), withdrawal (0/100), and volatility (4/100) according to the Big 5 personality test are very low. Combine that with being a very happy ENFP and she basically thinks my confidence might not be real. Or that it's a purposeful act to charm her.

She's reserved and on the second date I had her laying in my lap and cuddling. Apparently stuff she doesn't do on the second date (whereas if I'm not making out by date #2 usually I'm out). The next day she sent me some text saying we needed to "both" (hah) watch if we were trying to charm or manipulate the other person and she was scared of how fast things progressed.

My confusion is that despite those texts she clearly enjoyed the night as I held her for two hours that night.

Oh well, she'll soon learn it's just me.
 

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Weird. I have a close ENFP friend at the moment and I have never questioned her authenticity once. I know ENFP's are super confident. She's the complete opposite to me on the Introvert/Extrovert scale. But that didn't make me question her. I just thought "well, she isn't an INFP. She's not like me" and left it as that.

Here's a reacurring conversation we have most days.

ENFP: Ahh, just do it!
INFP: I don't know. I need to think about it
ENFP: JUST DO IT!!!
INFP: MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
 

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That sounds like it's her problem, not yours. If you're being you, you don't have to prove that to anybody. Even if you're not being you, you still don't have to prove the "real" you to anybody. It's all you, even any fake-ness is you. All of it is telling.

Perhaps she's self-conscious about being herself around you. Or maybe she's intimidated by how someone can be "themselves" at all times. She doesn't get to make you feel the same way that she does. I suggest not to change a thing about yourself. You don't have anything to prove, and you shouldn't be made to feel insecure or inauthentic.

I say the "you be you" stuff to my guy a lot, but it's in an encouraging way. Like, "You don't have to worry about anything about yourself when you're around me. I'll take all of you, and I want to know all of you. Peace, no fear." Etc. I have low neuroticism on my Big 5 too.

I'd say, tell her firmly that you're being yourself, and you shouldn't have to prove that to anybody. That's the final word, and then take it from there. Coming from an INFP, you can't have anyone doubting that you are who you are. ...unless you're a superhero. (But we can be superheroes all the time anyway.)
 
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I had this chat with her last night on the phone. She confessed she can't get over feelings that I'm "too good to be true" and she says she keeps mentally preparing herself for me to disappoint her and have the facade all fall down.
Sadly this is something I say to myself a lot with people (not to their face), and I actively work on those emotions so as to not sabotage things. Seems like doing what you're already doing may help her a lot. Keeps that self-fulfilling bias thing at bay!


P.S. She seems to get super turned on everytime I confess a flaw or challenge to her. Is this an INFP thing lol?
I...do appreciate when people share flaws or challenges with me, because I do the same when I begin to trust others (so it feels like they are 'falling' for me too), but that might be her own thing. :laughing:
 
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I...do appreciate when people share flaws or challenges with me, because I do the same when I begin to trust others (so it feels like they are 'falling' for me too), but that might be her own thing.
Personally I don't understand what people do share if they don't share flaws and challenges. What else is there?
 
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