Manage to confront one of my demons and the day I started to see me becoming more hyper vigilant. Does it ever stop?
female stalker who was borderline ENFP with antisocial traits, plus was almost kidnapped and robbed. Have my LTC because of it.TRIGGER, (possibly). @ClOwNkInG
You need a good therapist, first and foremost. Any advice I'm about to give is no substitute for medical advice by a trained professional and is based on personal experiences entirely.
It's not enough to wallow in emotions or trigger yourself. (If that's what you mean by "facing your demons").
You have to analyze every single thing you're feeling. Pick it apart. Ask yourself, what causes this feeling? Where is the source of it? What are the multiple facets of this feeling?
Anger can have an edge of bitterness, with hints of sadness and despair, for example, it's like a crystal catching the light. But then as an eight, I find it far easier to be in tune with my anger (and consequently understand it intimately) than anything else. ;P
Then after doing so, challenge yourself. What I mean by this is, when you go towards your feelings you will find some assumptions there, and dysfunctional ones, about the way the world works and your role in it. And that's what you have to fight. It's not the feelings themselves, it's not necessarily the memories, its the implicit assumptions your brain has created to cope with this new reality.
Some dysfunctional assumptions of mine are:
"If I don't please men I sleep sexually, then I'm undesirable and a terrible person."
"My own preferences in bed aren't important, I need to quietly receive and nothing more."
"Yes or no doesn't really matter in bed because I'm small and physically weak."
I have a bunch of others but I struggle with the last one in particular. These assumptions cause me to me disassociate, be detached and well, become a doll really. It tends to lead to a combination of revulsion, self loathing (for being weak physically, and female), disgust at sexual partners etc (for sleeping with me, but then I tend to also get a savage kick out of dragging them down. Sleeping with me means that they are evil, disgusting and mentally deficient and no longer worthy of my respect. .....yet if I'm not sexually attractive to a person I sit there beating myself up over it and wondering what's wrong with me.
But then I never initiate usually, I wait for them to...which by default makes them disgusting. Oh I fuck them, but at that point I see it as a way to drag them down with me, aka cement in my mind their tainted status.)
So not venting, but giving an example of a dysfunctional assumption(s). A dysfunctional assumption is usually logically inconsistent and harms yourself or others, (by leading you or others into physical, mental, emotional or physical distress... which can negatively impact self worth).
Just triggering yourself and wallowing isn't facing your demons. It's letting them throw a house party in your head and leave, without having a chance to get to know anyone intimately, because after all how can you? They're all over the place. They're drunk and stoned, and trashing the bloody gaff and you're screaming your self hoarse over the music.
Then they just leave, leaving you to clean up the trashed house, and deal with the aftermath.
So you need to take them out for a coffee one at a time and get to know them one on one.
Taking them out for a coffee is controlled exposure to your triggers and negative emotions, in bite sized chunks. You can do this by:
1) Writing (analyze it later)
2) Controlled exposure to a single trigger. It really helps to have someone when you do this.
3) Art (analyze it later, or try to discover the shape of those feelings)
4) Music (look what it brings out in you, and why).
And other things you can add. But you see the basic principle here.
There's a lot of time involved in this. A lot of effort. Do you really want to get better? Do you believe you can get better and live a good life?
You need both of those to be a firm and solid yes. The first one might seem an obvious yes, but we tend to get comfortable (not happy Jesus no) in our little trench, because in a weird way it can give us a home, a niche, a way to navigate the world. (Seriously if you're on Facebook join any Nihilism group to see this in full seeing). Or you could be the type of person who can't think beyond their nose. You may not think about desires. Not your needs, not your wants, but your desires. Desire is infinitely deep, simple and animalistic. And it is strong.
Intense desire is really the only thing that can pull you out of it. That's what will give you strength to continue through the worst days. To go to a new therapist when things are scary. To deal with something you've become avoidant of. To do the self work long term and consistently you need that will to live and not just survive but fucking thrive, thrive, thrive because believe me this shit will fuck you up to fuck and you need a strong wall to put your back against or you'll get blown over before you've even begin.
If you don't know what you want, then start somewhere simple. Desire your wellness with all your heart, not just stability, but to thrive. It's pure survival instinct. That'll give you the strength you need to claw yourself through what you will find are horrible days, and self work will fuck you up badly if you don't have a strong base desire to anchor yourself on.
Will you ever completely heal? I don't know. I can't say. I can't even say for myself.
Is it possible for you to live a good and satisfying life, having made peace with your trauma(s) to a large degree? YES. And I don't and have never doubted it for a moment. I refuse to doubt it. It can be difficult to have faith in yourself, but you can have faith in your desire. You have to. Even on the days is won't feel enough, you MUST.
No, not unless the root cause of your PTSD is confrontable, which realistically isn't the case for most, terrorists and rapists and the likes aren't the most emotionally charitable people, and traumatic phenomena that don't have a human cause - like waking up into a flooded house in the middle of a hurricane - are even less likely to take responsibility for their agency (Ofcourse the fantasy that such a confrontation would help might just be that, a fantasy).Manage to confront one of my demons and the day I started to see me becoming more hyper vigilant. Does it ever stop?
anxiety not so much, for hyper vigilance I keep my sig p226 and fnx tactical .45 Acp.@ClOwNkInG Then chances are your dysfunctional assumptions are very different to my dysfunctional assumptions, and your triggers are different. But for the most part what I said will apply, it's just about processing the trauma.
If anxiety is a major issue in your case (no idea if it is) exposure therapy may be of some benefit.