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I have this ideal in my head. One of purity and ascension. To become the best version of yourself, by ridding yourself of all imperfections and weaknesses. Bad habits, illnesses, an untrained body, whatever it may be.

Obviously one cannot ever achieve this perfectly, but I was on a good path in life. I became successful, I became a "ladies-man", I was jacked as hell, etc.

Then it all fell apart. I started smoking bad weed. I think it was heavy metal infused or something. I do not feel the same as before and I wasn't smoking the bad weed that long, only a few months. Apparently it was enough. I lived out a super hedonistic lifestyle, thinking I still got it all together, slowly descending.

One day I realized how badly I fucked up.

I damaged my brain and intelligence. I have memory problems, especially remembering details. I'm super ADHD, I can barely focus on anything for even a few seconds now. I massively damaged my brains reward process via dopamine. Nothing is really fun anymore. I don't feel much emotion at all, only strongly emotional emotional moments I can somewhat feel. I'm anhedonic, some days more, some days less.

I destroyed my integrity by doing some weird shit that I'd rather not talk about lol.

I destroyed my success in life by becoming a social recluse again like I used to be.

I betrayed myself and I don't feel like I can forgive myself, nor do I have the strength to ever get out of it again and nothing gives me release, except for the occasional drink of wine and even that makes me sad half of the time.

I fought so hard back then to get out of my mediocre-bad life and now I'm back into it.
I follow certain ideals that I might never achieve, but giving them up seems impossible because I seem them as absolute truth. Striving towards perfection is the only thing that seems worthwhile in this rotten world (how I've always seen it, even before all this)

Lately I've been thinking about death more. I'm not suicidal, but death does seem like a release from this painful, boring and imperfect existence.

What can I do?
Can I even do something about my situation?

Thanks for any reply.
 

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I have this ideal in my head. One of purity and ascension. To become the best version of yourself, by ridding yourself of all imperfections and weaknesses. Bad habits, illnesses, an untrained body, whatever it may be.

Obviously one cannot ever achieve this perfectly, but I was on a good path in life. I became successful, I became a "ladies-man", I was jacked as hell, etc.

Then it all fell apart. I started smoking bad weed. I think it was heavy metal infused or something. I do not feel the same as before and I wasn't smoking the bad weed that long, only a few months. Apparently it was enough. I lived out a super hedonistic lifestyle, thinking I still got it all together, slowly descending.

One day I realized how badly I fucked up.

I damaged my brain and intelligence. I have memory problems, especially remembering details. I'm super ADHD, I can barely focus on anything for even a few seconds now. I massively damaged my brains reward process via dopamine. Nothing is really fun anymore. I don't feel much emotion at all, only strongly emotional emotional moments I can somewhat feel. I'm anhedonic, some days more, some days less.

I destroyed my integrity by doing some weird shit that I'd rather not talk about lol.

I destroyed my success in life by becoming a social recluse again like I used to be.

I betrayed myself and I don't feel like I can forgive myself, nor do I have the strength to ever get out of it again and nothing gives me release, except for the occasional drink of wine and even that makes me sad half of the time.

I fought so hard back then to get out of my mediocre-bad life and now I'm back into it.
I follow certain ideals that I might never achieve, but giving them up seems impossible because I seem them as absolute truth. Striving towards perfection is the only thing that seems worthwhile in this rotten world (how I've always seen it, even before all this)

Lately I've been thinking about death more. I'm not suicidal, but death does seem like a release from this painful, boring and imperfect existence.

What can I do?
Can I even do something about my situation?

Thanks for any reply.

And, out of all the celebrities out there dispensing "pearls of wisdom"? Kevin Hart has been struggling at the coal face of show biz for ages before he got any sort of name - he's not wrong.
 
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It's possible that your emphasis on ridding what you perceive to be deficiencies/weakness is the crux of the depression. We often carry this fear, that if we were to ever really fully accept, love and advocate for ourselves when we have not achieved 'the ideal' then we could never transcend our current state. It's a false belief - that fear is the only motivator and that all change must arise from a fear or a 'not-good-enough-ness'. This seems to be an issue with our creative intent/energy. When we create something out of fear, it is infact different than what is created via more positive, loving, joyous and exciting intentions (even though things may 'appear' the same on a very superficial level).

What does exercise, deep-sleep, meditation, psychedelic's, green tea and sunlight all have in common? They are all (typically) enjoyed in their own right, they do not require fear to be pursued. They increase BDNF brain-derived-neurotrophic-factor, which has been referred to as 'Miracle-Gro' for the brain since it switches on a series of genes that grow brand new cells and pathways allowing you to learn faster, remember better, age slower and rewire shit like the negative thought patterns associated with depression.

What blocks BDNF? Stress, sugar, social-isolation.

Hope it helps.




Meditation
 

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Discussion Starter #4
It's possible that your emphasis on ridding what you perceive to be deficiencies/weakness is the crux of the depression. We often carry this fear, that if we were to ever really fully accept, love and advocate for ourselves when we have not achieved 'the ideal' then we could never transcend our current state. It's a false belief - that fear is the only motivator and that all change must arise from a fear or a 'not-good-enough-ness'. This seems to be an issue with our creative intent/energy. When we create something out of fear, it is infact different than what is created via more positive, loving, joyous and exciting intentions (even though things may 'appear' the same on a very superficial level).

What does exercise, deep-sleep, meditation, psychedelic's, green tea and sunlight all have in common? They increase BDNF brain-derived-neurotrophic-factor, which has been referred to as 'Miracle-Gro' for the brain since it switches on a series of genes that grow brand new cells and pathways allowing you to learn faster, remember better, age slower and rewire shit like the negative thought patterns associated with depression.

What blocks BDNF? Stress, sugar, social-isolation.

Hope it helps.




Meditation
I know about BDNF.

I think my issue is not really a lack of knowledge maybe, as much as it is confusion.
I feel unable to focus on anything or remember to do anything consistently for long periods of time, like practicing meditation for example. Maybe that is my exact issue tho. It's like I am caught in negatively reinforced cycle.

Thanks for the suggestion, I'll try to keep it in mind and practice it.
 
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Hey Man, sad to hear the news.

I haven't seen you here for a while so I assumed you got your shit together after you started some internship or work experience.

Your body and brain can still reverse most of the damage after whatever substances you abuse but often it takes years so have some patience.

A lot of people try to be "better" by ignoring the bad habits like nicotine/alcohol/porn/gaming/food (takeaways, sugar, chocolate etc)

I play games a lot but last year I started playing one mmo (40-60h) and it sucked me up for real. I stopped exercising, I have cut my sleep time to 6h because I wanted to play more and in the beginning I was just feeling a bit tired...got some blood coming from my nose etc but after few months I started have concentration/memory problems and the most annoying thing was that sometimes in conversation I would say exactly the same thing twice or I would say something and then circle around in conversation and say exactly the same thing.

I quit that mmo 3 months ago and I'm back to my normal self but still it took a while to recover. At the same time I have other things going on in my life so even things like that cant ruin my existence or throw me into depression since I have

So even something simple like not enough sleep over long period of time can fuck you up. Look at your "basics" in your life like eating properly, drink enough water (piss 3-5 days on average) exercise, getting enough sleep.

Maybe before trying to be ideal try no to be shit first.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Hey Man, sad to hear the news.

I haven't seen you here for a while so I assumed you got your shit together after you started some internship or work experience.

Your body and brain can still reverse most of the damage after whatever substances you abuse but often it takes years so have some patience.

A lot of people try to be "better" by ignoring the bad habits like nicotine/alcohol/porn/gaming/food (takeaways, sugar, chocolate etc)

I play games a lot but last year I started playing one mmo (40-60h) and it sucked me up for real. I stopped exercising, I have cut my sleep time to 6h because I wanted to play more and in the beginning I was just feeling a bit tired...got some blood coming from my nose etc but after few months I started have concentration/memory problems and the most annoying thing was that sometimes in conversation I would say exactly the same thing twice or I would say something and then circle around in conversation and say exactly the same thing.

I quit that mmo 3 months ago and I'm back to my normal self but still it took a while to recover. At the same time I have other things going on in my life so even things like that cant ruin my existence or throw me into depression since I have

So even something simple like not enough sleep over long period of time can fuck you up. Look at your "basics" in your life like eating properly, drink enough water (piss 3-5 days on average) exercise, getting enough sleep.

Maybe before trying to be ideal try no to be shit first.
Hey man, good to see you're still around too.
Thanks for the suggestion. I currently work a physical job in the evening shift which allows me to sleep in every day. I drink and eat enough on most days. My nutrition could be better, but it's not the worst. I eat a balance of healthy and unhealthy foods.
I get my fitness from my job mostly and try to get a run or gym session in every once in a while, but my job is very demanding (though it pays well and I like it).

My basics aren't really bad, but it's like I lost my edge, the things that made me special (my intelligence or whatever). It's a lot harder to think clearly, everything is super hazy in my brain.

I think this is a problem on many levels, or maybe many problems at once now. It's an ego problem, a mental health problem (neurochemical maybe and psychological). It's like I don't even know where to start. My life feels like a big mess and I feel mostly like a piece of shit, because I always had some bad qualities about myself, but those were outweighed by my good qualities, which I might have lost forever now and according to my own ideals, which I deem as absolute truth, I am more worthless now. But letting those ideals go is something I can't do. I have thought about them for a long time and of course I am open to new suggestions, but dropping those ideals is accepting that the world is relative, which it isn't. 1+1 = 2, not 3.

So the only solution is to become better, be worthy of my own ideals again, but I feel ashamed and guilty of myself, which robs me of energy. I tried forgiving myself, but I can't. I need to do something to deserve my own forgiveness first.

It does help to formulate my thoughts out here. I haven't done that in a long time.

Glad to hear you're feeling better.
Was that mmo WoW Classic? :crazy:
 

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The problem with that ideal is that it's so black and white. Personally, I like to remember myself three years ago as perfect: very healthy, happy, popular. But the truth is I didn't have as many friends as I do now, and I was easily blind-sighted romantically.

I'd imagine depression has a lot to do with not getting certain basics right rather than your own mindset exclusively. E.g. I'm much healthier when I have a job I enjoy, when I have friends I can be honest with, and so on.

These are conditions you can slowly improve over time, rather than feeling you need to go from 0 to 100.

At least that's what worked for me in the past and is what I'm trying to fix now.
 

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You seem to suffer from results-oriented thinking.

It's never the destination that matters, it's the relationships we have and the attempts we make. Focusing on the end goal is bound to make an INFJ unhappy. That's how ENTJs get happy.

And don't forget to allow yourself to be human.

Of course all that sounds more easy than it is. Usually it's best to just take it one step at a time and try to get some small fun projects going rather than focusing on the big picture all the time. The big picture will always be there for you, even if you're not focusing on it.
 

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I have this ideal in my head. One of purity and ascension. To become the best version of yourself, by ridding yourself of all imperfections and weaknesses. Bad habits, illnesses, an untrained body, whatever it may be.

Obviously one cannot ever achieve this perfectly, but I was on a good path in life. I became successful, I became a "ladies-man", I was jacked as hell, etc.

Then it all fell apart. I started smoking bad weed. I think it was heavy metal infused or something. I do not feel the same as before and I wasn't smoking the bad weed that long, only a few months. Apparently it was enough. I lived out a super hedonistic lifestyle, thinking I still got it all together, slowly descending.

One day I realized how badly I fucked up.

I damaged my brain and intelligence. I have memory problems, especially remembering details. I'm super ADHD, I can barely focus on anything for even a few seconds now. I massively damaged my brains reward process via dopamine. Nothing is really fun anymore. I don't feel much emotion at all, only strongly emotional emotional moments I can somewhat feel. I'm anhedonic, some days more, some days less.

I destroyed my integrity by doing some weird shit that I'd rather not talk about lol.

I destroyed my success in life by becoming a social recluse again like I used to be.

I betrayed myself and I don't feel like I can forgive myself, nor do I have the strength to ever get out of it again and nothing gives me release, except for the occasional drink of wine and even that makes me sad half of the time.

I fought so hard back then to get out of my mediocre-bad life and now I'm back into it.
I follow certain ideals that I might never achieve, but giving them up seems impossible because I seem them as absolute truth. Striving towards perfection is the only thing that seems worthwhile in this rotten world (how I've always seen it, even before all this)

Lately I've been thinking about death more. I'm not suicidal, but death does seem like a release from this painful, boring and imperfect existence.

What can I do?
Can I even do something about my situation?

Thanks for any reply.
There's never a moment that you can't turn around and start over. The brain has a lot of methods to heal. One just needs to allow it to take the process to do this. Starting over sucks but you can do it if you choose that path.

Remember there is not one perfect human being on this planet.

The first thing to do is dust off those knees, find someone you still trust and have them hold you. I long compression hug, they've been proven to destress.

You might have nutrient imbalances so get blood work from your doctor. Check your Vit D, most of the population are low in these during the winter months. Cheap things to help you out is just plain Vitamin C and Sleep. Make sure you're getting at least 8 to 9 hours. I know this might be hard when in the middle of a panic attack or depression.

I can't express how much you need that long hug. Always know that you can start over. It's hard when you're in that dark hole, believe me I've been there. It hurts and you don't think you can move but the first steps are just to stand up and start working that body. Take a hot bath, get that hug, and just go for a walk. If your neighborhood is not a happy cheery place, find somewhere or get that exercise by helping to clean it up. Give your brain another focus. You can do this.



Tight hold and intimate with another human being, that compression will help your body. This type of sensor touch has shown some promising methods even with ADHD. Deep pressure release.
 

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I am glad that I didn't go down those dark roads after seeing how such destroyed lives of those who have, this is one of those life lessons where not doing as others do ends up being the best choice especially in no win situations where the only winning move isn't playing.
 
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I'm all about the legalization of marijuana, but it has it's downfalls. I honestly prefer my friends who'd rather drink than smoke, though alcohol (while legal) seems to ultimately be demonized much more. Marijuana in excess causes apathy. Alcohol in excess can cause aggression and other emotions, but at least there's emotion. I've had alcohol problems, and I got into this with a woman who was teaching a class I was court assigned to. She was so unprofessional. Threw the book out the window in favor of trying to teach us all that CBD/THC is the answer instead. I submitted when she gave me a look like - I'ma have to sign your papers, and I might not if you don't cut it out. But she should have cut it out. Both in excess are a problem. I read the book they gave us on my own about addiction.

So idk, I didn't admittedly read your whole post or the responses to it, but excessive weed smoking can def impact your mental health. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is the antithesis to recovery imo, though so many programs seem to stress it, which drives me crazy.
 

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I'm all about the legalization of marijuana, but it has it's downfalls. I honestly prefer my friends who'd rather drink than smoke, though alcohol (while legal) seems to ultimately be demonized much more. Marijuana in excess causes apathy. Alcohol in excess can cause aggression and other emotions, but at least there's emotion. I've had alcohol problems, and I got into this with a woman who was teaching a class I was court assigned to. She was so unprofessional. Threw the book out the window in favor of trying to teach us all that CBD/THC is the answer instead. I submitted when she gave me a look like - I'ma have to sign your papers, and I might not if you don't cut it out. But she should have cut it out. Both in excess are a problem. I read the book they gave us on my own about addiction.

So idk, I didn't admittedly read your whole post or the responses to it, but excessive weed smoking can def impact your mental health. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Shame is the antithesis to recovery imo, though so many programs seem to stress it, which drives me crazy.
I didn't know you drank?
 

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OP it sounds like it would be useful for you to explore ideas that transcend the duality that is found so often in our world, the black or white thinking that so many grab and hold, yet does not fully express the truths of living life on this planet.

Your original post is very black or white in my eyes. You wanted the best, it all fell apart and now life's the worst. In reality, your thinking likely just changed, your perspective. I'd like to suggest that when you're down, remember it doesn't last. And when you're up, don't hold so tightly to it and revere it as the only thing worth living for. Basically you seem a bit crippled by your judgment of all things as good or bad.
 

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as an example, have you ever felt really blissfully happy, yet a tiny bit sad with tears in your eyes, all at once? How about the paradox of loving someone yet hating their behavior in a given moment?
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
OP it sounds like it would be useful for you to explore ideas that transcend the duality that is found so often in our world, the black or white thinking that so many grab and hold, yet does not fully express the truths of living life on this planet.

Your original post is very black or white in my eyes. You wanted the best, it all fell apart and now life's the worst. In reality, your thinking likely just changed, your perspective. I'd like to suggest that when you're down, remember it doesn't last. And when you're up, don't hold so tightly to it and revere it as the only thing worth living for. Basically you seem a bit crippled by your judgment of all things as good or bad.
My judgment is harsh, yes. I find, however, that relativism in morality is a slippery slope.
Certain ideals appeal to me, so I have to condemn others. Physical beauty for example. It's not really subjective. For males it's being healthy, virile, low-ish body fat and muscular. For females it's being low-body fat, having curves, wide-ish hips, normal sized breasts (Don't tell me how in the past fat women were considered ideal, that's not my point). We need ideals to orient ourselves in the world, but every ideal is a judge. Being fat is not aesthetic, no matter what anyone tells me. It's not relative. Because those aesthetics signal health and health is beauty. That's just one example tho, but this is how I think.
And if I could, I would like to banish all things bad. They make the world impure and tainted.
 

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Really? I'm like the resident lush, lol.

I'm a lot more responsible with it now tho, and I don't drink as much as I have in the past.
Aww
 
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