[thomas92]

Hy everyone:happy:
I hope someone could give me some advice. I've read some really awesome stuff from you guys and i'm happy i've found this site. I could really use some help.



Now that i'm trying to put it into words, I find it pretty hard to describe my problem. I'm lonely, that's for sure.
I'm studying web development, but i really hate it. I feel like i've only applied for this course out of fear. I've been studying programming in high school, and after i finished it, i was too afraid to do something else. I knew i should have, but i didn't.

This course is taking place in my high school, so all my old friends stayed. It felt like this was a safe place to go on. Well, now when i'm in there, in class, all i think about how i should kill everyone in this world and burn that place down to the ground. And that's not how i am. I don't want to be like that. I want to leave it, but i'm still afraid of change.

And no one gives me encouragement. No one says "F*** that. Get out of there. You'll be fine." Everyone says how i should do it anyway. How i'm gonna get only low-paid jobs. No one gives a f*** about how i feel. Now that i read what i wrote, i feel really immature. This seems like a pretty easy problem to solve. I just really lack confidence.


This takes effect on my personal life too. There were some opportunities i didn't take in the last couple of months. There were girls who liked me, but i failed to take action. I didn't really believe that anyone could like me. I hardly can believe it right now. I haven't even kissed a girl yet, ever.

The problem is that in my current state of mind, and how i act around people, even my best friend finds it really hard to bear with me. My behaviour is so different from what i actually feel. It's like i have this dark aura that scares off everyone. I think it would really help if i could leave my parents' house. I'm 19 and i've always lived with my mum and my grandmother. I met my father maybe 2 times when i was a kid. Guess that explains a lot..

I don't think this can go on for long. Everything feels rather pointless this way. I promised myself a while ago, that i'm never gonna give up, nevermind how hard it gets. I would like to think that i have a place on this planet too. And i have something to give to other people.

Thanks for reading:happy:

 

[RoyA]

For the violent ideation, I'd suggest going on the internet and watching videos of people being killed and tortured, burned alive, that sort of thing. It really gives you a reality check on your fantasies. As for the job, nobody likes their job, you should just find something that pays the bills so you can pursue what you really like in your spare time. For the girls, go to a party/concert/social gathering of any type and drink to the point of excessive oblivion. To make your school more interesting, take ephedrine. You can buy it at a bodybuilding store. Making friends is hard sometimes, and while it seems counter-intuitive, I find the less you truly give a shit the easier it is. What do you need those freaks for anyways?

Just do something fucked, smoke meth on a roller coaster, get a pogo stick and jump across a bridge, ride a bike with no brakes down a steep hill.

 

[BunBurry]

I always feel better when I help someone. You know, that cliche phrase, help yourself by helping others? Well, it works.
People are attracted to positive energy. Do nice things, you'll feel good about yourself and it'll show. Don't just think about it, do it. Us INFP's are notorious overthinkers and procrastinators, we can think of a way out of almost anything! Go on impulse more often, you will surprise yourself. Also, ignore social expectations. INFP"s are messed up in a unique unharmful way, get used to it and learn to love it.

 

[dann]

Here's some tough love Thomas, because I think you need a (gentle) wake up call!! Grow up man! This is your life and if you want something, you need to go get yours, NOT wait for someone to come along and spoon feed you. You can only play the victim for so long until life really kicks your ass and you wind up a miserable 45 year old virgin, still living in his mothers basement, stuck at a job he hates! You have your whole life ahead of you! Please do yourself a favor and take action! Seriously, the time is now!! If you really want to pursue another career, go for it (although the web design thing doesn't seem all that bad IMO), and if you want to kiss a girl, put yourself out there! No one else is gonna do it for you, no matter how much you complain, no matter how much advice you get from an online forum. In fact at this rate you're gonna drive everyone away and your life will even more lonely! Does that scare you?! Good, it should! Use that fear to do something with your life my friend.

 

[illicit iridescence]

Now that i read what i wrote, i feel really immature. This seems like a pretty easy problem to solve. I just really lack confidence.

Okay, so your post does *sound* immature (no offense, just a statement). But yunno what, being honest with yourself is a pretty mature thing to do. All in all, I have this feeling that you're more (di)stressed than you are immature.

If you are an INFP, you may be Fi-Si looping, which is probably the cause for you not taking decisions and following up on them.

Whether you're an INFP or not, looping or not, afraid of change or not, the only thing you can really do about it is stepping up, decide and follow through.

I don't know what it is about change that you specifically fear, but you need to face it, confront it, go through it. Of course there is a chance one of your fears may become reality, but hey, we all fall sometimes. We all feel ashamed sometimes. Take the blow, fall over, stand up and move again. "If at first you don't succeed - Dust yourself off and try again - You can dust it off and try again".

Seeing that you're 19, I think it's really alright to change studies/school. The older you become, the tougher it is to switch or start a new study, assuming that you haven't found a job that allows for self-sustainability in a financial sense and leaves enough time to study.

However I would advice you to think this decision about changing schools thoroughly true. If you are going to switch, to what school would you switch? How likely is it that you become disappointed again and want to switch again? And do you really have to drop your current school? Surely it may not be your ideal school, but can't you follow it through, to find a job, that allows you pick up a different study later on?

You have a place on this planet. Don't stop after you've identified it: take the steps necessary to conquer it. :3

 

[imploded hope]

I'm younger than you, but I know exactly what you mean. Mostly just my mom saying I'm lazy and cause her blood pressure to go up...but I know exactly what you're saying regardless. I'm stuck at that point constantly. without the killing, more like saving...hmm...

 

[perfectcircle]

Let's say you choose a shirt you hate and go around asking people, "Is this shirt alright? Should I turn it back?" most of them will say, 'No it's fine, just keep it." Cause they don't really care about your shirt. They figure YOU care about your shirt and if you didn't like it, you WOULD turn it back, on your own. Meanwhile you are walking around with this shirt that itches, it fits you terribly, you're unhappy, and you say, "Why why why am I forced to wear this shirt? I just feel so pressured to wear it.. and I'm not sure if there is anything better... oh man... I hate this shirt!" I get the fear, I get the doubt before you've found the other shirt, I get the feeling of pressure... but they are not real! Because no one is forcing you to wear this shirt!
You know that you look kind of silly, walking around in this shirt that is like three sizes too small and constricting and depressing you and meanwhile you're going, "I wish I could take it off..." Dude, take it off! No one may encourage you and hold your hand in the big scary department store, you may not know what style you like or what your size is, how much it costs, or how many tries it will take you to find it, but no one will STOP you from finding the right shirt either.

No one is going to hop in the middle and say, "Hey you! You don't deserve to have this shirt! you don't dererve to be happy!"

It is all on you. And you do have the power to influence your life.
You know what you want and what you don't want, so why don't you listen? You are the only person who's judgement matters. I think you are scared to listen to your own wants; you are scared of failure, scared to risk, scared of making the wrong decisions, so you choose to make the wrong decisions by default.
You cannot live your life by the whims of others or by your own fears, that is not a life! Reclaim yourself!

I am getting so fired up for you!

If you want a different job, what do you have to lose from purusing that job?
What are you scared of?
And when you risk, and let's say you lose- you do not get your dream job, what have you lost?
At most, time, maybe resources.
What is the worst you can lose?
Is it something you can't bounce back from? Really?
Are any of those things worse than what you are willingly choosing now?
So try something else that you will love, or try your first goal another way.


I am sure you can brainstorm plenty of reasons to the answer to my questions, but are any of them as painful as choosing an unhappy life? If the inevitable conclusions of your choices are as bad as the POSSIBLE outcomes to risks, then there really is NOTHING to lose.

 

[AnnieeBubble]

You say that you need others to encourage you. You don't. All you need is you and your heart. Listen to your heart for it is the only 'person' who can truly guide you along your path to greatness.

 

[infpblog]

You're 19. Give yourself a break. Trying to figure out your entire life at 19 is stupid and useless because you'll change your mind later. If career was really that to 19 year old boys then they wouldn't spend most of their time thinking about girls. Parents or even you may tell yourself that you're lazy or unmotivated but we're only lazy and unmotivated in things that are low in our value system. Several of my friends kids play WoW and the dedication, discipline, time commitment and just forcing themselves to get along with other players they don't like when the run raids is pretty damn amazing.

So at 19, I would say what was high on my value system was:

1. Not dying.
2. Getting a girlfriend.
3. Doing something that made me feel significant.
4. Having fun.

Not dying basically means eating regularly and having a safe place to sleep. For me when I moved out at 19, it was getting a job and paying rent. It didn't really matter what the job was. For you, not dying involves going to school so mum and grandmum continue feeding you and providing shelter and leave you alone. You think you're going to school for a career or something. That's not true. You can change your mind about a career and go a different path later. The only thing you really lose is time and money. Right, you're going to school so you don't die and it doesn't really matter what you're studying so pick something fun that will keep your mum of your back and take up the least amount of time so you can concentrate on getting a girlfriend and having fun.

Your bigger problem will be getting a girlfriend which means working on your self esteem issues ("I didn't really believe that anyone could like me. I hardly can believe it right now.") Also, you won't learn this until you do get a girlfriend, but just because you have a girlfriend doesn't necessarily mean you'll be less lonely. Other people can't make you happy. They can only distract you from being unhappy which isn't the same thing. Also, if I remember correctly most girls at college age find it inconvenient and a turn off to have sex when parents can come home at any time. Living away from home tends to improve your sex life.

Here's something that parents don't tell boys. Until you get a girlfriend, you're going to have no perspective as to what's important to you. It's like when you get into a car accident and you break your femur. You only really feel one pain at a time so until the femur gets better you're not going to notice that your face is all lacerated. Until you get a girlfriend, which seems to be the most important thing at 19, all this stuff about career, purpose and life fulfillment really isn't going to mean anything to you.

Here's the Catch-22. Boys who have life direction even if it's just a temporary one instead of meandering through life lost, who knows what makes them happy and fulfilled in the present moment and actively pursue their happiness and fulfillment tend to be more confident. It's that confidence that attracts potential girlfriends. Just something for you to think about.

 

[perfectcircle]

So at 19, I would say what was high on my value system was:

1. Not dying.
2. Getting a girlfriend.
3. Doing something that made me feel significant.
4. Having fun.

Lololololol

on another note though,
yes this is another good point!
give yourself accomplishable standards for yourself! it is ok to hvae fun and relax. this life is not only meant for serious business and it's easier to get serious business done if you are balance non-serious business too

But I also really really agree with the femur analogy-- it applies to some girls as well! I could not focus on other parts of my life until I handeled this one thing! Biology was telling me, I needed to take care of this! Once it was out of the way the world suddenly re-organized.. my priorites flip flopped. Weird. So take it easy on yourself, OP, life is a process.

 

[whoawhere]

I think it's a good start that you're writing what you think and feel about things. I'd suggest continuing that, whether it's with posts in this forum, a journal, a blog, whatever you want to do. I've found that for me, doing that regularly has helped to make me a lot more aware of what's going on in my life. And when I'm more aware, I'm in a better position to take action and make changes I need to. Maybe it would work for you too.

 

[thomas92]

Well..i read everything you guys wrote. I could make up excuses again, but i won't. I'm gonna do something. This really can't go on anymore this way. I'm gonna get a job and leave school. I can learn this subject by myself anyways.
It still seems pretty scary though, but i have no idea what i fear about it. It's just there. Though it doesn't really matter, i'm gonna do it anyways.
So thanks to all of you

 

[illicit iridescence]

I'm gonna get a job and leave school. [...]
It still seems pretty scary though, but i have no idea what i fear about it. It's just there. Though it doesn't really matter, i'm gonna do it anyways.

Everyone can fear the unknown, perhaps everybody does. So have a plan, and perhaps a back up plan. Good luck, and don't worry too much about 'failing' or not finding your purpose. You're young enough to take your time with it. ^^

 

[thomas92]

Wow..It's pretty weird. I almost feel like i'm happy. Haven't had this feeling for while..

I haven't found a job yet. I just started searching actually. I haven't been to school for 3 weeks, and thing are starting to come back. The things i wanted to do in the first place. Go to Iceland, go to Ireland, go to Germany, go to Japan. Taking photos, make music, maybe learn psychology, learn languages. It was so hopeless, but now it feels somewhat achiveable. Well, at least it feels like it, we'll see what will work out. I have to work on this laziness.

I should've taken action earlier though..there were pretty obvious signs that it wasn't for me. While i was going to school, i broke my arm for the first time, got sick several times(I never get sick), screwed things up with 3 girls, got acid reflux and hardly could handle any contact with another human being. So i guess the conclusion is, if something feels wrong, and you're not obliged to do it, just don't.

 

[Up and Away]

I think your title says a lot.

You seem to be having trouble finding "purpose and love" in your current groups and activities.

I wonder how people come up with the perceptions that make them feel..