[Clare_Bare]

A few years back I had conflict with several people.
I lived with a couple of them and the others were associated friends.
All of us were in a common social group.

Within days after the conflict, all blame was directed at me and my friendships with them ended.
The rollover effect extended to the former friends 'backstabbing me' in our social group to the point that people who had no imvolvement suddenly disliked me also.

I had one person who I thought was a friend for life tell me:

'... nobody likes you, don't attend any of the activities as you won't be accepted there.'​

So I walked away from that group of people permanently.

This week I connected a visiting friend from Interstate with that group as she wished to meet other members of our unique community.
They had a social dinner last night, which I refused to attend clearly ...

Anyways, my friend tells me today they asked after me as apparently they miss me?
They were curious about how I was doing and the questioning was reasonably specific.
Like they wanted to know if I was happy, in a relationship, my living arrangements, whether I had new social interests, what work I was doing (Uni student), and so on.

Why?
I can understand some basic curiosity after two years, but that seemed more than inquisitive if anything.
And they miss me?
I doubt that - I was the most hated person in town!
Comments were made that 'it would be nice to see me again'.
Really?
Nobody has made any attempt to contact me in the past two years, so I doubt there is any real desire to establish contact from any of them.

But this revelation has been on my mind all day and I have been wondering about the possibilities.
Are some indivduals willing to have contact with me, but are afraid to because of potential adverse reactions from the social group dynamics?
Have they subsequently discovered some 'truths' regarding the conflict that are contrary to what they were told at the time?
Have they realised the true effect of me being 'pushed away' and the ramifications for the people involved, whether directly or by association?
Has time healed feelings and relationships?
I have no idea - i'm just speculating ...

So, is this an avenue for me to make contact with them?
I'm not so keen on the concept tbh.
After so many years, I have moved on emotionally from that period.
I have no incentive to re-establish any relationship with the people involved or the social group itself.

I was so badly burned by those involved, there will be no reconciliation from my end.
My integrity and reputation were effectively destroyed by their opinions and actions.
They are just people from my past now - I don't miss them anymore ...

I wonder if they expected me to go crawling back to them, but the fact I didn't undermined their 'power play'?
If anything they've done me a favour in the long-term.

Gotta love the irony of them 'missing me' - if it's a legitimate sentiment.
Or is my perspective totally wrong?

 

[Red Panda]

It could be all of the what ifs you say, or that they just want to gossip about you (hence the specificity).
Weigh the risks and do what you want.
though if you ask me the specificity is suspicious of them wanting to gossip
if you want to test the waters you could avoid answering as much as you can and question them instead so you can get some info about the group and if they are still all talking. If they are then probably they are having malicious intents and just wanna gossip, if they don't then you proceed accordingly

 

[ponpiri]

Nosy bastids is what they are. I wouldn't give them the time of day and would be wary of what I tell the visiting friend as well. They will probably try to use that person to get info on you if you're unwilling to be 'welcomed' into the fold again.

 

[Elspeth]

I agree. They want to gossip, to see where you have ended up, so that they can claim "I knew all along..."
Never trust an ex-friend. They are exes for good reason.

 

[SilentScream]

I agree with people who're saying that this is mostly from a desire to just gossip ... they may have good intentions, but I personally always question the motives of someone who wants to know about you behind your back from other sources.

If people genuinely care about someone, they try to get in touch with them directly and ask them personally instead of asking someone else. Whenever I've wanted to know how someone's really doing, I've sent them a DM or called them. This isn't 1900 where getting in touch with someone was almost impossible. All it takes is a click or two today and maybe 45 seconds if that.

 

[Chesire Tower]

I really feel for you OP; that must really suck. I've learned the hard way to be wary of some social groups and it they don't like you; it's really their loss for being so short-sighted.

 

[series0]

All of your thoughts and feelings on the matter are valid and likely.

The choice is yours. If you decide to go for it and attempt re-connection, be prepared for ANY and ALL responses. Some of all of them may match some or all of your worries or hopes. It does not matter. What matters is how you let that truth affect you.

Realize that their choice is something they must live with. You have to live with your choices.

It is sad and frustrating when people limit themselves and essentially you as well with their horrible or wrong choices. I mean ... Capitalism and elitism still exist, yah know? You are in charge of what you feel, not them. Don't let them decide how you will feel, regardless of what they do or do not do.

Good luck!

 

[Dalien]

Given your scenario, this is how I would deal...
I would not allow them back into my life, either. If a new friend tried to bridge the gap with the old friends, I wouldn't try to stop it. But... the ones that came around would find me to be cordial and that is all. There would be no closeness. They would get the message and would then leave me be. In my mind, there would be no more hurt by their shallowness. They are no longer allowed under my skin.


I personally don't think your perspective is wrong.

 

[Zeus]

People make a lot of really bad decisions when they get upset, I don't think they would have extenuated their hands to you if they didn't see mutual benefit or quite possibly they assumed they messed up or need something from you.

 

[00Hikaru00]

@Clare_Bare,

Are some indivduals willing to have contact with me, but are afraid to because of potential adverse reactions from the social group dynamics? Perhaps, but IMO if they stay away from you because of pressure from others then they're not your real friends after all. True friends stand by you no matter what happens, so ditch them.

Have they subsequently discovered some 'truths' regarding the conflict that are contrary to what they were told at the time? Have they realised the true effect of me being 'pushed away' and the ramifications for the people involved, whether directly or by association? Perhaps. But if so, why haven't they apologised or attempted to mend the friendship? Then these people are not worth it.

Has time healed feelings and relationships? They may have forgotten about what happened in the past, esp. those who were not directly involved in the situation but had stupidly formed bias opinions based on what they heard. They probably also didn't realise how much they'd hurt you. To me these people are not worth your time. Move on and find better friends. If they can do it to you once, they can do it to you twice.

For whatever reason they ask about you, don't satisfy their curiosity. If they sincerely wanna re-connect with you, let them reach out to you personally instead of through a conduit. If they're just being nosy, all the more you should't let on.

 

[Marshy]

What did you do to them

 

[Clare_Bare]

What did you do to them

What did I do?

More accurately, we all caused and exacerbated the conflict until we self-destructed!
It should never have got to that level considering the issues.
It went to hell as all rational perspective disintegrated.
It ended with physical violence!

Then the personal retributions commenced.
I walked away, they turned our mutual friends against me as retribution.
I have cut them all out of my life permanently.

In the end, I think they did me a favour ...