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Discussion Starter #1
I've been getting to know an INTJ girl in a romantic way for 6 weeks now. However I'm seeing some red flags (concerning opinions) from her. I still have a desire to get to know her but for the time being I'd like to talk to her less. We usually talk daily but I was considering every other day or every couple of days. However I'm concerned that if I suddenly talk less to her she may interpret that as me playing "games". Is this going to create issues or is there some other way of handling it?
 

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It sounds like you are playing games. I don't mean that you are toying with her, but you aren't telling the truth, either. If you are concerned about these red flags, you should have a conversation with her about them, not just avoid her. If you can't face disagreements with an INTJ in a relationship, that relationship is probably doomed. INTJs have lots of strong opinions, and are free about voicing them.
 

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Plague Doctor
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If you are concerned about some issues, bring them up with her. Be direct. Ask her to elaborate on them or to explain what she means by whatever she has said/done to give you the red flags. If you have a difference of opinion, take it as an opportunity to discuss why each one of you take the stances that you do.

If you are unable to deal with this directly, it would be better to just break it off and let her know that you don't see this relationship working out for you and that you're going to need to bow out.

I promise if you approach her directly about these things, she'll respect you more for it. That is ... if she's an INTJ. : )

Edit to add:

I think it's important enough to add that I originally wrote this thinking your MBTI was ISTJ. I wouldn't have written this response to an ISFJ, though. What I would have said would have been more along the lines of posts 4 and 5 in this thread. In my mind, it wouldn't have been an issue at all for two aux Te types to get straight to the point with one another. In this case, if you're already having misgivings, get out now. If you're not comfortable with direct language AND you already see some "red flags", as you call them, then there's no point in staying in any sort of relationship with this person. Don't "ease off" it or try to create distance. Essentially, don't waste this person's time. Just find someone else who is more compatible.
 

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What red flags? Her opinions can’t really be that bad if you liked her so much previously, can they?

If you’re around an INTJ you will just had to deal with bluntness and strong opinions that your Fe might find distasteful.

As @Green Girl said, the way you’re handling this says a lot about the compatibility between the two of you. If you can’t be direct about this, this early on, it doesn’t reflect well on what a real relationship between the two of you would look like. If there are irreconcilable differences of opinion between the two of you, it’s not likely to work anyways.

What I find with FJs is that they usually can’t disagree with my logic or stance on something, they just don’t like to think that way because of Fe and they don’t like the matter-of-fact way I state my thoughts. The “that’s icky and I refuse to think on it further” is one of my biggest points of contention with them.

I didn’t say anything in the other recent threads about INTJ-ISFJ, but I personally wouldn’t go near one with a ten foot pole. Gender and age probably play in there too, so it might differ between INTJs. I’m a male in my late teens and an Enneagram 8, so keep all of that in mind

Reasons why:
-They almost universally lack the ability to understand me at a deeper level, and that’s probably the most important thing for me in a relationship
-We’re just absurdly emotionally incompatible. Fe vs Fi don’t mix, especially when it’s Fe aux and lower Fi
-In my experience they’re not interested in critical thinking, intellectual discussion etc, which is basically a must for someone who could be close to me
-Fundamentally different views on life, human nature, etc
-Si-Fe is based around social norms, expectations, “this is how good people live their lives”, “why can’t you be more like X” etc, which I don’t give a flying fuck about
-It’s a bit of a stereotype but I think they’re usually doormats, and I can’t respect people like that
-Passive aggression vs my direct nature
-Victim complex
-Preachiness
-Extremely different values, life goals, aspirations etc
-Usually they think I’m rude, lack empathy, etc (not true)
-They try to guilt trip me for who I am as a person

All of it eventually makes me want to tell them to fuck off.

A lot of that applies to all FJs/ESFJs/INFJs as well.

There are several FJs I get on wonderfully with, and it’d because they have all of the warmth of Fe without the judgmental bits. Also a couple fictional FJs I’ve really liked. So none of the above is necessarily universal
 

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It sounds like you are playing games. I don't mean that you are toying with her, but you aren't telling the truth, either. If you are concerned about these red flags, you should have a conversation with her about them, not just avoid her. If you can't face disagreements with an INTJ in a relationship, that relationship is probably doomed. INTJs have lots of strong opinions, and are free about voicing them.
Quoting this because I think one thing to understand about INTJs (or at least me) is that I have a very delicate definition of what I would consider lying or deceit. You don't have to do much to make me feel like you are "unsafe" or I shouldn't trust you.

Also quoting this because I know dating me takes a measure of balls and frankly if you don't have them, you're wasting your time. I will either verbally rag doll you or get bored. Either way, it is likely that I will end up not respecting you if you seem like you're going to dance around issues or exhibit other passive behavior. I'm not mean or domineering but my approach is lets figure this out and move on. I will push because I want to get every last bit of the problem out and resolved. I am not afraid to tell my partner exactly what I have an issue with and I expect the same in return. If you can't take this and if you can't give this, you are wasting everyone's time.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I appreciate all the responses. I've uncovered the root of the problem is my perception of things which I've come to the conclusion I need to rectify. So that is what I will do. Thanks again as always.
 

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Just be honest and transparent w/her.

I agree with the responses you've received so far. The only thing I'd add just as a suggestion is that you allow her to read this thread from you to get the conversation started. Were it me, I'd be curious to know which of my opinions you counted as red flags, but more importantly to me would be being able to see this post from you about me/us/the relationship.

One of the best things anyone can ever do for someone is allow me to see, feel, and know what it is said we will see, feel, and know in our Life Review when we die: their real thoughts and feelings toward and about me, how I made people feel, etc.

Seeing this post from you would tell me more about what I really want to know about you; i.e., what and how you think; how you handle things; what and how you think of us (the relationship) at this point, etc. There's nothing like knowing what a person you're dating really thinks of you and how they really feel about you and the relationship. Oh the time that could be saved instead of wasted in a relationship going nowhere...if that's the case.
 

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I appreciate all the responses. I've uncovered the root of the problem is my perception of things which I've come to the conclusion I need to rectify. So that is what I will do. Thanks again as always.
I remember your thread about expressing appreciation and thought that you may be misinterpreting things.

It's OK to slow down, just BE CONSISTENT about it. You came across so anxious about your [potential] budding relationship, that I wondered if you were moving too quickly. I don't think you mean to play hot and cold, but that's how it's going to come across. Take your time, figure out what you want and then move ahead.

The back and forth is really concerning. My interest ends after a guy displays wishy washy behavior over a consistent period.
 

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Less time with us, darling; more time with her. Articulate (Post #1) to her.

(If at loss of word(s)); call - and read some posts you have made here to her, she needn't know of their nature, when met with a response from her, work from there.

The "ambiguity," (should) clear.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I remember your thread about expressing appreciation and thought that you may be misinterpreting things.

It's OK to slow down, just BE CONSISTENT about it. You came across so anxious about your [potential] budding relationship, that I wondered if you were moving too quickly. I don't think you mean to play hot and cold, but that's how it's going to come across. Take your time, figure out what you want and then move ahead.

The back and forth is really concerning. My interest ends after a guy displays wishy washy behavior over a consistent period.
I couldn't agree more. I don't put up with wishy washy either. I've decided that I'm gonna slow things down within myself. I've been so preoccupied with the potential destination that I haven't fully focused on the path getting there.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Less time with us, darling; more time with her. Articulate (Post #1) to her.

(If at loss of word(s)); call - and read some posts you have made here to her, she needn't know of their nature, when met with a response from her, work from there.

The "ambiguity," (should) clear.
That's a good idea. Except for the fact I'm the one creating the ambiguity so I've realized. I suppose I could read the posts to myself. (That's a joke, not being rude.) I've told her that I've uncovered something about myself that I'm going to work on (I've got a Fearful-Avoidance Attachment style). So I'll be focusing on fixing that and getting to know her as a person. I'm pretty excited now that I know what's wrong with me.
 

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INTJs have lots of strong opinions, and are free about voicing them.
As we all should. No double standard.

@OP: I’d think you’re playing games. Then people would tell me not to read too much into things. Then I let you back in after you’ve supposedly made up your mind. Then you change your mind again just cause.
You see a pattern here? Even if the scenario were different, if you don’t confront an issue, you’re just gonna circle back to it.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 

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Discussion Starter #13
As we all should. No double standard.

@OP: I’d think you’re playing games. Then people would tell me not to read too much into things. Then I let you back in after you’ve supposedly made up your mind. Then you change your mind again just cause.
You see a pattern here? Even if the scenario were different, if you don’t confront an issue, you’re just gonna circle back to it.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
I totally agree it would look like playing games which is something I don't do. I've been on the opposite end of it and it's sure not fun and I wouldn't wish to do that to anyone. The "issue" turns out not really be an "issue" at least not at this moment. The real issue is me projecting my fears onto another person and then assuming that projection will become fact. So I've decided to confront that issue and hopefully resolve it. I'm gonna continue to be consistent in regards with talking and getting to know her while simultaneously working on myself.
 
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