[Mina92]

Hi all

I have a lot of trouble trying to open up with people. While I get along with almost everyone and have a good number of friends, I'e never been able to be my complete self with them. It never used to bother me much as I felt like that was part of the social norm, but I've started to realise that my walls are up pretty much all the time with even my closest friends.

Do you guys have this problem too? If so, how do you go about breaking those walls down?

On a separate note, why do you think those walls are even there in the first place? Just curious.

Thank you in advance!

 

[reisiger]

Hi all

I have a lot of trouble trying to open up with people. While I get along with almost everyone and have a good number of friends, I'e never been able to be my complete self with them. It never used to bother me much as I felt like that was part of the social norm, but I've started to realise that my walls are up pretty much all the time with even my closest friends.

Do you guys have this problem too? If so, how do you go about breaking those walls down?

On a separate note, why do you think those walls are even there in the first place? Just curious.

Thank you in advance!

Hello!

So first, I'm dying to know how you also have "the protectors" after INFJ. I've got nuthin.

Anyway, wow can I relate to this. The walls are real, and wow do ours feel high, or at least mine do. I can honestly say that although there are many people in my life who know a lot about me, there is no one who truly knows everything about me. And I say that meaning parents, siblings, spouse, etc... I just don't, or more to the point can't let it all out. And I don't even do it on purpose. In effect, it looks like I spread out secrets or tidbits about myself among groups of people, but it's as simple as the fact that I will get a sense of who I can or can't share things with, but it is case by case, and I very definitely keep a lot to myself. It's not because I'm ashamed or want to be mysterious, but because something in my own mind just won't let me let all things out with all people.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying to say I get it, but I can't really explain what it is that causes me to be like that. Walls are for real though.

 

[Severin]

So first, I'm dying to know how you also have "the protectors" after INFJ. I've got nuthin.

It has to do with the time that you joined, I think. At one point they stopped attaching the "badges" to the personality types (there might have been some anti-stereotyping protest against it). If you joined past October 2015, then you don't have the tagline there. That's my best guess, anyhow.

Now, to the OP:

I have personally come to accept that the majority of people I know will never get the "unfiltered me". A con of being an Ni-dominant is that it is very difficult to express what is going on inside (just think about it: Ni is the toughest function to describe), and being an Fe-auxiliary only makes this worse.

How? Fe is oriented towards what works for everyone. If you're the odd one out, Fe will identify this and make you more prone to censoring yourself. Being one of the rarest types automatically makes you the "odd one out", and Fe's response to this is to try its darndest to make sure that you blend in to your environment (this often means pandering to xxSJ sensibilities, which are the opposite of our own).

This is certainly frustrating at times, but I've come to accept it more as a beneficial survival mechanism. Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis simply do not need the unfiltered version of me. It isn't beneficial to them, and they naturally won't appreciate it very much. This doesn't mean that something is wrong with them or myself; it's just a matter of natural preferences and priorities. I don't want to hear the ESFJs talk about what they made for dinner last night, and the ESFJs don't want to hear me talk about my most recent contemplation on nihilism or whatever.

Don't get me wrong: I completely understand the feeling of loneliness that comes when you've had to deal with this sort of thing for a long while. I was in a pretty deep depression not so long ago because I was afraid that I wouldn't ever find someone who I could be transparent with. But eventually, I did find those kinds of people. I met an ENFP who enthusiastically probed my mind and ate up every unfiltered thing I had to say about myself, and he became my best friend (and by the end of this year, he'll be my husband if all goes according to plan). I told him things within the first few hours of meeting him that I hadn't told my own parents. It was sort of magical.

Then another INFJ came along who could understand pretty much all of my personal struggles to the letter, and an ENTJ who occasionally loves discussing the deepest parts of our shared Ni.

Point being: don't lose hope. I almost did, but the right people came along just in the nick of time.

 

[yippy]

@Mina92

You've put your walls up for a reason. Some are motivated by fear. Others by anger. Etc.

Personally: I had trust issues. I simply didn't trust anyone enough to tell anything personal. I didn't share any deeper thoughts, feelings, preferences & ideas because I thought people could hurt me in the present or future with that information.

At some point I identified that my lack of trust in people was something I really had to work on, because even though I had a few friends....I still felt pretty much alone and/or the odd one out.

How I improved? Really simple: I started with telling more 'not-so-personal' information about myself, like preferences for music or honest opinions about whatever was going on in the world. It was scary to speak out at first, but the people that I had surrounded myself with (friends & family) responded in a positive & respectful way.

One can say: I started to have genuinely positive social experiences! And that felt good.

Spurred on by my social 'success' I started to authentically express my emotions to other people. If I felt good I told them, when I felt bad I told them too. Again: people around me responded in a positive & respectful way. They actually appreciated that I was honest.

And that felt good.

Now....I still am a fairly private person.....but at least I found some sort of balance between privacy & self-expression. And that balance, you guessed it, feels good

So, @Mina92, what you could try and do is figuring out why you've put up your walls in the first place. Because when you know that you can also formulate some sort of 'wall demolition' plan of your own.

Well. Maybe not tear all your walls down, but at least you could make building plans for a gate in your wall

 

[shoot4thestars]

I always have walls up. I don't know if it has to do with personality or just a product of how I grew up, but I very rarely let people in fully. I think it's become a bit of a defense mechanism for myself. Like you, I'd say they're still up even with my closest friends.

I completely agree with zosio that the right people can pull things out of you that you may not have been able to open up before. ENFP and INFJ fan +1! For me, it still takes a long time to completely break down those walls-- if they can even be completely down. I think the closest I come to that is with my sister. She still doesn't know many things about me, but I would say she gets the most raw, unfiltered form of my personality.

 

[Kirjuri]

Every type has walls of some sort. Ni-Fe simply tends to display its walls by camouflaging into other personalities.

 

[Macrosapien]

Hi all

I have a lot of trouble trying to open up with people. While I get along with almost everyone and have a good number of friends, I'e never been able to be my complete self with them. It never used to bother me much as I felt like that was part of the social norm, but I've started to realise that my walls are up pretty much all the time with even my closest friends.

Do you guys have this problem too? If so, how do you go about breaking those walls down?

On a separate note, why do you think those walls are even there in the first place? Just curious.

Thank you in advance!

im the same way. i have no idea how to make it any different.

 

[Beanytoes]

Ya same here, no one really knows everything about me and I'm ok with that, no one needs to know and honestly I don't think most care to know.

 

[amc]

i dont know. i feel like my mind just goes all haywire when people come in. i just cant help it. maybe its a cop out. i dont know.

 

[hopebeat]

@zosio913 @reisiger
They did change the badges thing. I altered my settings after they changed it, and then it automatically made it so I had an "Unknown" type. Then I had to go back in and click "INFJ." So it's that way even though I joined before Oct 2015. I miss "The Protectors" thing.

-----

And I think everyone has layers or walls. It's natural for everyone, so don't go thinking that you're the only one with them . They just take a combination of time, trust, and the type of people you're dealing with. I think we have walls to protect ourselves. It would be horrible if we were all so vulnerable all the time to everyone, I don't know how the world would work. That possibly might tie into why we have humor, sarcasm, jokes, and other things like that to make things lighter.

 

[HellDemon]

I talk to a lot of people but I don't like getting close. I like to observe them for a long time before I accept them.

 

[bkaylene]

I have a hard time trusting people myself, my walls are there for a reason. I trusted someone once, and took a chance on them, an ENFP, but surprise surprise he hurt me more than anyone has. As an INFJ I can see facades that people wear, and it seems shallow to me so I don't engage.
The walls are there for protection. I'm most myself when I am alone writing, or in nature.
Maybe it's not healthy, but I don't engage with people anymore. It all seems to be a cycle of hope and rejection.

 

[DB96]

Hi all

I have a lot of trouble trying to open up with people. While I get along with almost everyone and have a good number of friends, I'e never been able to be my complete self with them. It never used to bother me much as I felt like that was part of the social norm, but I've started to realise that my walls are up pretty much all the time with even my closest friends.

Do you guys have this problem too? If so, how do you go about breaking those walls down?

On a separate note, why do you think those walls are even there in the first place? Just curious.

Thank you in advance!

Yep I totally can relate with this, making this huge massive walls being impossible for people to break down. Sadly I still don't have the answer to that however I can say why I do it, and I do it because I guess I feel safe behind it. I had to learn how to make big walls because throughout my life so far, I had experiences when people would just use me for their entertainment, simply because I was the quiet kid stuck in the head all the time. So I had to establish this walls completley shutting myself in not letting anyone in because I did not want to experience this stuff again. So it got to the point that it seems like those walls are the height of the tallest skyscrapers which I can't even find a way to break down so far. I am definitely positive that this will change with age and experience but so far I haven't figure it out or at least I hope it will change. Have to see how the life will go.

 

[DB96]

It has to do with the time that you joined, I think. At one point they stopped attaching the "badges" to the personality types (there might have been some anti-stereotyping protest against it). If you joined past October 2015, then you don't have the tagline there. That's my best guess, anyhow.

Now, to the OP:

I have personally come to accept that the majority of people I know will never get the "unfiltered me". A con of being an Ni-dominant is that it is very difficult to express what is going on inside (just think about it: Ni is the toughest function to describe), and being an Fe-auxiliary only makes this worse.

How? Fe is oriented towards what works for everyone. If you're the odd one out, Fe will identify this and make you more prone to censoring yourself. Being one of the rarest types automatically makes you the "odd one out", and Fe's response to this is to try its darndest to make sure that you blend in to your environment (this often means pandering to xxSJ sensibilities, which are the opposite of our own).

This is certainly frustrating at times, but I've come to accept it more as a beneficial survival mechanism. Most of the people I interact with on a daily basis simply do not need the unfiltered version of me. It isn't beneficial to them, and they naturally won't appreciate it very much. This doesn't mean that something is wrong with them or myself; it's just a matter of natural preferences and priorities. I don't want to hear the ESFJs talk about what they made for dinner last night, and the ESFJs don't want to hear me talk about my most recent contemplation on nihilism or whatever.

Don't get me wrong: I completely understand the feeling of loneliness that comes when you've had to deal with this sort of thing for a long while. I was in a pretty deep depression not so long ago because I was afraid that I wouldn't ever find someone who I could be transparent with. But eventually, I did find those kinds of people. I met an ENFP who enthusiastically probed my mind and ate up every unfiltered thing I had to say about myself, and he became my best friend (and by the end of this year, he'll be my husband if all goes according to plan). I told him things within the first few hours of meeting him that I hadn't told my own parents. It was sort of magical.

Then another INFJ came along who could understand pretty much all of my personal struggles to the letter, and an ENTJ who occasionally loves discussing the deepest parts of our shared Ni.

Point being: don't lose hope. I almost did, but the right people came along just in the nick of time.

I am pretty much in that boat right now, having the fear of not meeting anyone just drives me crazy and emotionless because I am inside the head trying to hide. However having read your post, it strengthend my hope of meeting that person some day in the future followed up by more people who I can trust. So far I had really terrible experiences with people.... so yeah. On the other hand the people I need might not come in the nick of time like they did for you and that is something that scares me because I don't know what will happen if all that hope vanishes...

 

[soulsister11]

Walls are for protection. I just don't like getting hurt and more often than not people inside the walls are the ones who have hurt me the most so that area has become restricted access.

 

[stormgirl]

Hi all

I have a lot of trouble trying to open up with people. While I get along with almost everyone and have a good number of friends, I'e never been able to be my complete self with them. It never used to bother me much as I felt like that was part of the social norm, but I've started to realise that my walls are up pretty much all the time with even my closest friends.

Do you guys have this problem too? If so, how do you go about breaking those walls down?

On a separate note, why do you think those walls are even there in the first place? Just curious.

Thank you in advance!

Mine are a self protection mechanism. I actually feel sorry for those who don't put up walls! I think they're far more likely to be hurt. I do let people in of course, but I think it's important to take time to get to know someone before revealing all.

 

[Coburn]

I struggle with this, but in a slightly different way. I don't have a problem sharing personal information about myself with my friends. But I tend to emotionally detach on some level. In other words, I don't let my emotional self get wrapped up in my relationships with other people.

The only manifestation of this outwardly is that 1) I can leave friendships easily and 2) I don't communicate meaningful emotional experiences with others.

I have no answer for how to fix any of this. I haven't figured it out yet because it's low on the priority list of things to do.

 

[Ambrosia]

I have very think walls but don't put them up all the time. When I feel attacked, sometimes my walls come up so high I can't even speak to people I love - I need space to 'feel safe' and time to process.

Beside defense mode, I have a handful of friends I'm very close with and can say anything too. I trust these people fully. I may not share every single thought with them or mail them my old diaries, but I can turn to them when I need support. These people are so important to me and my wellbeing!

It is worth cultivating these close relationships if you don't have them. They take time, shared experience (leading to trust) and also the right kinda person to begin with.

Most of my trusted friends were NFs growing up - I'm still close to a few of them, and have added a couple NT friends as well.

I try to be polite with most people but also don't let them in. It's not fake but selective.

People who betray me are dropped like a hot pan.

 

[Severin]

I am pretty much in that boat right now, having the fear of not meeting anyone just drives me crazy and emotionless because I am inside the head trying to hide. However having read your post, it strengthend my hope of meeting that person some day in the future followed up by more people who I can trust. So far I had really terrible experiences with people.... so yeah. On the other hand the people I need might not come in the nick of time like they did for you and that is something that scares me because I don't know what will happen if all that hope vanishes...

As I said, please don't lose hope. If someone comes along who clicks with your intuition, feel free to trust it and open up a little. Every good relationship/friendship begins with the risk of taking that leap.

A big part of that depression was the aftermath of emotional abuse I dealt with at the hands of a rather awful person. I always had that hanging over me, taunting me with the prospect of being alone forever (the guy in question insisted that I would be). His voice is still down there somewhere, and it occasionally comes up and tries to fill me with that fear again (this time it's the fear that I'll lose the people I have now).

But you just have to fight that kind of thing, and keep on trying. Change can come quickly, and it often does when you least expect it to.

 

[DB96]

As I said, please don't lose hope. If someone comes along who clicks with your intuition, feel free to trust it and open up a little. Every good relationship/friendship begins with the risk of taking that leap.

A big part of that depression was the aftermath of emotional abuse I dealt with at the hands of a rather awful person. I always had that hanging over me, taunting me with the prospect of being alone forever (the guy in question insisted that I would be). His voice is still down there somewhere, and it occasionally comes up and tries to fill me with that fear again (this time it's the fear that I'll lose the people I have now).

But you just have to fight that kind of thing, and keep on trying. Change can come quickly, and it often does when you least expect it to.

Thank you for your words of hope, every little helps afterall. I totally know what you mean by emotional abuse, I had it happen to me before and it wasn't one person. The past just haunts me, it hangs there not wanting to leave and yet I still stand not completely broken yet so I wonder how I am still able to stand...

Anyway thanks for the words of hope, they mean a lot.