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We don't know what he was talking about, we can assume something important or mildly important to him. Although, regardless, the fact that it was something out on control by both (the cat) that triggered it, made me think (like I've said before) it might be something recurrent, either from the relationship, which has been pilling up, or from the past (other relations).
you raise an interesting point of whether this is something that's been building up over time and may just be spilling over now, but we have no idea if that really is the case. All we can say from the information we have is that he is acting irrationally and unpleasantly. Even if he did have some semblance of a moral high ground at some stage, he lost it the moment he told her off for going to the toilet whilst he was talking.
 

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Okay, to be fair, he did not "tell me to get off the toilet." I interrupted and said, "I'm so sorry. I know you hate being interrupted, but I really have to go to the bathroom." I came back and repeated what he had last said. He said that he was no longer interested in talking about what he was talking about. We had another discussion about interruptions, and he was not as vigorous about it. But he still suggested that he should not be interrupted for that. I said something like, "Do you want me to stand here and soil myself?" And at that point, he backed down. This instance was not the major instance, it's just the fact that he would make this one any part of the rest seemed specious.
 

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Okay, to be fair, he did not "tell me to get off the toilet." I interrupted and said, "I'm so sorry. I know you hate being interrupted, but I really have to go to the bathroom." I came back and repeated what he had last said. He said that he was no longer interested in talking about what he was talking about. We had another discussion about interruptions, and he was not as vigorous about it. But he still suggested that he should not be interrupted for that. I said something like, "Do you want me to stand here and soil myself?" And at that point, he backed down. This instance was not the major instance, it's just the fact that he would make this one any part of the rest seemed specious.
Well that's a relief to hear, at least we know he's not insane. It sounds in that case like it is just the accumulation of annoyance at other things that put him in a bit of a sulk. What was the major instance if you don't mind my asking? not that its any of my business of course
 

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I've mentioned the ones I remember. Some of the others are ones that he might not have told me about at the time. We have not been together that long--and like I said--these issues are not the only control issues that he seems to have. So in context, it worries me a bit.

Some of the other control issues are rather personal but concerning.
 

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I've mentioned the ones I remember. Some of the others are ones that he might not have told me about at the time. We have not been together that long--and like I said--these issues are not the only control issues that he seems to have. So in context, it worries me a bit.

Some of the other control issues are rather personal but concerning.
I'm sure he doesn't mean to make you feel that way, but I can see why you'd be worried. I take it you've already tried explaining to him how the way he behaves comes across as a bit controlling and makes you feel bad?
 

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Although you are doing exactly that.
I'm calm, talking about fair arguments, possible resolutions and insights, without the whole picture (but we have what we have). You on the other hand are acting hasty and reaching conclusions without listening all the people involved, but worse than that, not even caring to... you're dismissing important variables... not something as an INTP you would. In other words, you're being too emotional about it.
... I'm drawing a blank so i'll just add the one thing on my mind in response here

Oh boohoo

bring on the tone poliiiiice
bring on the type poliiiice~ *whistles*


Edit time

When I say 'man tell him to bugger the fuck off' I mean 'get real and take no bullshit', not 'say this thing literally'. People who curse are more honest and you can suck my teensy little cactus.
 

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That's in process.
Well all I can say is I hope he comes round, I'm sure if the two of you can talk about it rationally and are willing to be a bit patient with and take the time to understand one another, you can work things out.
 

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It's been about thirty-six hours (day and a half) since he last contacted me. It's been twenty-four hours since I emailed him. Those are both firsts. He has been active on the dating site in the past twenty-four hours. I checked it Sunday afternoon, and he had not been active. I checked yesterday before 8:00 a.m., and he had. He also knows that it bugs me if I see him on there, and he had been a week without going on it. Last time, he said that he was just responding back to some women that he found someone.

I'm ready to accept him breaking it off and will be glad to have the issues that were bugging me resolved so that I can move on to someone with whom I won't have these issues if it's unworkable. But since there's also at least some hope that he could work on it, the anticipation is getting to me. I don't want to hang on to that hope that--too much torture--I have let go of him in my mind.

I really hope that this whole thing is not another attempt to punish me. That will breed major resentment. I hope it's that he is just processing my email. I suppose there are a lot of reasons that he could need time processing.
 

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It's been about thirty-six hours (day and a half) since he last contacted me. It's been twenty-four hours since I emailed him. Those are both firsts. He has been active on the dating site in the past twenty-four hours. I checked it Sunday afternoon, and he had not been active. I checked yesterday before 8:00 a.m., and he had. He also knows that it bugs me if I see him on there, and he had been a week without going on it. Last time, he said that he was just responding back to some women that he found someone.

I'm ready to accept him breaking it off and will be glad to have the issues that were bugging me resolved so that I can move on to someone with whom I won't have these issues if it's unworkable. But since there's also at least some hope that he could work on it, the anticipation is getting to me. I don't want to hang on to that hope that--too much torture--I have let go of him in my mind.

I really hope that this whole thing is not another attempt to punish me. That will breed major resentment. I hope it's that he is just processing my email. I suppose there are a lot of reasons that he could need time processing.
Ugh fuck I've been in a situation resembling that once for two weeks straight, and it was getting very, very blatant that my best friend of six years/LDR partner for two years was flat-out ignoring me. They only started talking again, with much disdain, when I asked their friends to pleeaaaase let me know if they found out what was going on.

I doubt your situation is quite that extreme-display-of-emotional-buttpluggedness levels of messed up, but good lord it doesn't take a genius to see that if you behave like this, that someone else might worry. I personally can't stand the idea of leaving a dear friend hanging, and I'd at least let them know I'm still on their side.

At least, that's one of the ways I know I *care*, and I kind of expect a similar level of giving a shit back.

Mind, I spent those two weeks coming up with five hundred excuses for my friend, if it turned out to really have just been a huge uncomfortable stressy mess, and they still wanted a bond with me.
Turned out they didn't and they'd realised that I was 'too emotional' and too pushy and clingy for them, and they'd appreciated me for what I *did for them*, I was their soundboard, their validator, their number one fan. The moment I needed support in return I became an annoying liability.

Maybe your fellow needs to thoroughly examine just how he feels about you, too. There's a difference between 'having a lot of fun together and getting along very well' and 'my day is literally worse when you're unhappy and it cheers me up to know you care about me and that me being in your life is a good thing to you and I will rip everyone apart who tries to hurt you'. Some people can't tell the difference, or they just haven't experienced it yet so 'hey, we get along and this is really fun' actually feels like a legitimate reason to be together. It can be a start, but dammit for a close bond I personally do expect that to evolve into some real consideration. To not just give someone a place in your routine, but in your mind and heart as well.

My hypothesis is that the majority of people dating stay at that first level and they get some fulfillment out of it, but then they back out of it awkwardly when they notice they don't actually feel very intensely connected? 'Love the activity, not the person'.

Mind, I don't believe you can force anyone to really care that much about you, so when my friend told me how they felt we broke off the relationship and I never looked back. We're not friends anymore, though mainly because they didn't like how I moved on, and I didn't like how they wanted me to hate them for how shittily they treated me. 'Things just soured', but that doesn't have to happen with every breakup of course.
 

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Well, he may just be processing. It is a lot to take in. So he could either be figuring out what to say, determining whether to break up, or figuring out what to do. Even if he is determining whether to break up, I appreciate the fact that it's not a snap decision.

Or--he could be punishing me on purpose--which would be consistent with a number of things that he has said and done at this point. If that's the case, bad move on his part. It's not going to work. I'll either break-up in the short-run or the long run--and the long run will be overall unpleasant.

I'm not letting it go two weeks. If I haven't heard from him by Wednesday evening, I am going to tell him that I would appreciate some sort of response--even if it's to let me know that he needs time to think--and I'm going to tell him the ways that his non-response is affecting me.

But honestly, if he can't nurture me--or if he is trying to control or punish, I will be glad to be rid of him--albeit sad about losing the good parts of him and sad that he's too intractable.

If he really wants to work on a healthy relationship, then I'll be delighted. That would be pretty different from my past experiences.
 

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Hmm, as I mull a lot of things over about us, I'm starting to feel a building resentment. I am trying to keep that in check until I hear from him. But I am starting to get upset about the way he has dismissed my opinion at times. Like we were in a dispute about whether I should discipline my cat for spraying. She has sprayed before when I fostered a stray. She stopped, but now she sprayed again when he came over.

My position is that stress is causing it and that we need to eliminate the stress by making her feel safe around him.

He dismissed that saying that just because I read a book about cat behavior doesn't mean that it is right and said that he has raised multiple cats.

It makes me feel as though my entire intelligence and critical thinking ability is being dismissed when he says that just because I read a book about cat behavior does not make me right.

I did not "just" read a book about cat behavior. I have read multiple books. I have watched multiple shows and looked at multiple internet sites. I have talked with veterinarians and friends who are pet lovers. I have had cats all of my life and have had three cats in my adult life, one of whom I successfully raised to nineteen years of age and was rather well-trained. I have also read tons of materials on animal behavior, yes, including the behavior of the human animal, which is not totally separate from from other animals. I have vetted experts on this latter subject to clear them and their theories past objections and arguments. In the process, I have cross-referenced all of these things against my own experience and asked critical questions. And I have spent two years nearly every day getting to know my own cat who is a rescue.

Plus, my whole thing is training/teaching. That's part of my whole career, and he's just dismissing all of that.

It's like what if I just said that because I have always had computers he is wrong about some computer issue even though he is a computer engineer.

He mentioned his cat as an example of how he trained cats. But his cat was scared on boats, cars, etc. whereas mine relaxes in my lap. Moreover, if I remember correctly, his cat ran away. Perhaps his behavior was modified in the short run. But why did he run away?

For that matter, if the punishment approach to relationships is correct, then why did all of his exes run away? One of them hitched a ride on a neighboring boat out at sea and fled to an island to get away from him. When he does these things, he makes me want to run away.

Ugh! I think I am realizing more about what Ti means. ENFJ's can seem illogical because when confronted we sometimes have trouble articulating all of our reasons for things and our emotions get set off, and we express those. Expressing those is more natural because we are Fe. But then we look unreasonable because we are unable to explain. That's why personal debates are so uncomfortable for us.

But then later, we have time to process the whole thing when we are alone with our Ti. Then we can articulate it in this manner. But because we may have either acted emotionally or stuffed it down with a smile until we could process--when we come back with the whole thing later--to the other person, it can seem like WTF! Where did all of that come from?

Sometimes NT's on the forum get all impressed with how logical some of my responses are and think--"Oh, wow, mind mate" and wind up PM'ing me with all of these compliments. But the thing is--that is in writing--that is when I am alone with my Ti expressing it. I can do that some at work in areas that are my expertise--areas that have been rehearsed over and over--where there are rules--and where it's not personal and thus safe. Again, I can impress NT's in that arena. But oi! It's so hard in an intimate relationship--something that touches on all of our deep core issues from childhood, etc. It seems like a big ENFJ conflict with NT's.

In the personal arena, I need to be drawn out and empathized with.
 

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He says that I have "attention span problems" and that I am inconsiderate. Personally, I pride myself in being tuned in. So anyway, let's say my boyfriend is talking. And while he's talking, the cat jumps up on the table and tries to get into the food. I tell her, "No, get down." Then he rolls his eyes and sighs. I repeat what he just said and say, "Go on." Then he refuses to speak because I should not have turned my attention away from him to the cat. Or it could be the same scenario without the cat, and, instead, I stop to bat some gnats that are flying in my face, and say, "Ugh! Gnats! Sorry, go on."

He says that I'm like the dog in Up! That all of a sudden I'll be like, "Squirrel!"

Basically, what has ultimately happened is that I've told him, "Yes, you know what, I am like the dog in Up! That's how my brain works. I can work on it because I know that it makes you feel unappreciated. But I'm not going to completely change who I am. I'm not going to walk on eggshells or be like the little girl who is being disciplined. And, frankly, I don't care when other people interrupt me that way. I would like for you to look more generously on my intent."

He says that it probably bugs other people too but that they are not saying anything, and I have decided that his saying that is even more uncool.
More things that make me wonder what sort of masochism an iNtuitive must have to tolerate STJs.

Just noticed that you think this guy is an INTP though. I'm curious what evidence is in that favor. Everything you've said so far describes classic SJ shit.
 

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More things that make me wonder what sort of masochism an iNtuitive must have to tolerate STJs.

Just noticed that you think this guy is an INTP though. I'm curious what evidence is in that favor. Everything you've said so far describes classic SJ shit.
Hmm, I'm going based on what he told me. There were some things that seemed consistent, but I'd have to think a bit to detail those--and I've got to get lunch before being unavailable the rest of the day. I will say that he seems awfully messy for a J type.

Oh, also, he is a libertarian and an atheist--while not all INTP's are, it does seem consistent with INTP patterns. He has spent three years sailing and can't wait to hit the sea again--that kind of wanderlust and risk taking seems P'ish to me.

He's a computer engineer and is fascinated with machines, physics, and building and fixing stuff--seems awfully T'ish.
 

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More things that make me wonder what sort of masochism an iNtuitive must have to tolerate STJs.

Just noticed that you think this guy is an INTP though. I'm curious what evidence is in that favor. Everything you've said so far describes classic SJ shit.
If we consider the described episodes as outbursts the behaviour can be explained, that's why I have been pointing recurring events, and by what Seeker says after he doesn't fit Js. Although, Streker intuition that something is off should be looked into.

@Seeker in that reasoning there are some inconsistencies though:
"He's a computer engineer and is fascinated with machines, physics, and building and fixing stuff--seems awfully T'ish.
That doesn't make him an INTP.

He has spent three years sailing and can't wait to hit the sea again--that kind of wanderlust and risk taking seems P'ish to me.
Yes, P but it doesn't sound INT, 3 year sailing doesn't sound INTP at all, INTPs do that in their minds. This points more into Explorer behaviour.

Considering those, he could be an ISTP (Ti Se Ni Fe right?), fitting more into explorer than thinker although both have high Ti.
Have you considered that? It also explains the lack of N like Strelok hints at, we complete Ti with Ne, he does that with Se.


I keep hearing about your kind, but I can't seem to find any :p
Sadly I must agree, I haven't find a female INTP like that either.
 

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Some ISTP quotes I've found useful:
"It is important to note that people with ISTP personality type tend to gravitate towards sensual and practical activities and are likely to try to change the habits of their dating or long-term partner if their approach to life is somewhat different. "
...dare I say, TOUCHÉ?!
It explains the controlling feeling you have described. INTPs can lead, or control, but they avoid to.

ISTP personalities see their obligations as something that needs to be renewed on a daily basis – even if they say “I do” in front of a priest, that actually means “I do (until something changes)”
"ISTPs live in the present and so do their feelings"
It seems the best way to identify both is where do they dwell. So, he's usually focused on present? Or in the future or past?
 

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Hmm, that has given me a lot to think about.

I guess some of the things about him seem to fit the description of INTP's overall--so as opposed to individual letters--it seems to be the combination of functions as based on a description I've read.

He seeks lifelong relationships and is very commitment oriented, and I have read that it true of you all. My impression is that is untrue of ISTP's. Actually, he seems more interested in the business of relationships, which is something that you all seem interested in on this thread.

He does make plans and talk about the future, and he talks about the past a lot as well.

There are times that he seems to rely on intuition--but I would really have to think about it.

He tested INTP. But that doesn't always end it.

Since he still has not contacted me yet, it may all be moot anyway. If he is ditching me, I don't really care what type he is anymore.
 

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If he is ditching me, I don't really care what type he is anymore.
I understand that.
Yet, if you can or want to look into it...
 

It's been about thirty-six hours (day and a half) since he last contacted me. It's been twenty-four hours since I emailed him. Those are both firsts. He has been active on the dating site in the past twenty-four hours. I checked it Sunday afternoon, and he had not been active. I checked yesterday before 8:00 a.m., and he had. He also knows that it bugs me if I see him on there, and he had been a week without going on it. Last time, he said that he was just responding back to some women that he found someone.
He seeks lifelong relationships and is very commitment oriented, and I have read that it true of you all.
I'm sorry but I don't see much "future" commitment here, more "here and now".

Actually, he seems more interested in the business of relationships, which is something that you all seem interested in on this thread.
I'm not. I'm just trying to help out in here and get info that might be useful for me (I have high Ne+Si despite not primary).
I don't have any relationship for the sake of it, in fact if I believe any are, I forfeit it... call it idealistic but I want to find someone I can "mind bond" with.

He does make plans and talk about the future, and he talks about the past a lot as well.
I didn't mean it like that, most people do that on a relationship. I mean like... really dwell. INTPs lose track of time easily and lose track on what task they should be doing right now. This is not true to ISTPs or INTJs.

He tested INTP. But that doesn't always end it.
I read on their board that many ISTPs get INTP or INTJ on their tests on different times, it seams that happens because ISTPs have mixed Jungian functions to those easily identified types. ISTP - Ti Se Ni Fe. INTP - Ti Ne Si Fe. INTJ - Ni Te Fi Se.
These type of tests answer point into directions. High Ti points into INTP, High Se points into INTJ, High Ni points into INTJ, Weak Fe points into INTP.

Speaking for myself only, I've always got INTP, and I agree with all the descriptions, unlike other types, although I'm not as brooding or abhor sports like some point at.

Regardless of all this, nothing is conclusive, just... suspicious.
 
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