Personality Cafe banner

541 - 560 of 7804 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,669 Posts
I'm 18 and about to be a junior in university...
Why do I feel like I'm about to be insulted and called immature?
No, you're not. I just think this is natural and will change as you get older. High school relationships tend not to be based on compatibility, more convenience and opportunity. As you figure out more about who you are, you'll have more to offer someone else and you'll get more out of relationships.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Hmm...you're probably right, but I can't accept that as I'm too young haha :p One of those things...

But that makes sense. Unfortunately, I have little patience. So is there nothing I can do about that right now? Are love and genuine romantic relationships just inaccessible to youths?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,669 Posts
Hmm...you're probably right, but I can't accept that as I'm too young haha :p One of those things...

But that makes sense. Unfortunately, I have little patience. So is there nothing I can do about that right now? Are love and genuine romantic relationships just inaccessible to youths?
Treat them like learning experiences, is my suggestion, until you find that you're actually ready for a committed relationship. You'll know when it happens but it'll be a few years, most likely.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
I can do that... Like training wheels. Useful for learning about myself and about other people a bit but overall not the most important things in the world :)

Also, I haven't been treating relationships as substantially meaningful and necessary for me to live and find purpose in life. I've just been wondering lately why they don't seem to work or seem to work in this way for me. I like the way you described that...learning experiences. Thank you! :D
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
I can say he is a man of action.

When I said he is a man of action, I mean that he is always doing something for me or for my kids. If I call and ask him to fix something, he does not hesitate. If he goes to a get together and I have to work, he brings me food home. If he says he is going to do something he does it. Its obvious that he cares to say the least. But as to how he feels beyond that I really don't know. These posts aren't some sort of search for validation of whether I should stay or anything like that.

I guess what I'm really trying to figure out is how to better communicate with him. How to get him to open up more. I think I said it before...I know with this type they do things in their own time. If he doesn't tell me he loves me soon, its not the end of the world. He is my best friend and I trust him more than anything. But I want him to know he can trust me too. He says he doesn't say I love you anymore because in his past relationships he has been hurt when he said it. So now he only says "This is it." That completely confuses me. This is it as in "this is what to expect?" I'm fine with the situation and have no plans to leave him. "This is it, " as in I'm the one? Or "this is it," I've been hurt and I'm too afraid to say it. We talk about all sorts of stuff, but not really about anything of serious. If it starts to turn that way, he quickly changes the subject. Sorry for the ramblings as I'm tired. I'm just curious to get other's opinions. Thanks for reading. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,973 Posts
I can do that... Like training wheels. Useful for learning about myself and about other people a bit but overall not the most important things in the world :)

Also, I haven't been treating relationships as substantially meaningful and necessary for me to live and find purpose in life. I've just been wondering lately why they don't seem to work or seem to work in this way for me. I like the way you described that...learning experiences. Thank you! :D
I'm 21 now, which isn't that much older but I suppose a little ways further down the path.

What you say about your feelings towards this person you mentioned suddenly 'turning off', I've recently had that, too. A friend I'd been very close to and long-distance-bff'd for a good year and a half (in total we'd known each other five years or so).
At some point, things just turned around and basically, suddenly I didn't matter anymore, if I got hurt, no care, no fucks to give. I did what I could to see if there were any misunderstandings and possibly salvage things, but once I got a clear answer of 'no', it was... surprisingly easy to let go. My emotions ran rampant for a while, but I never felt like I wanted to turn back time. It didn't work out for a reason, I'd say. I tried, we both gave it a chance, it wasn't meant to be.

You deserve to find someone who's 'with you' on the basic things, you're right in not wishing to settle for someone who thinks being cruel to a friend is ok for whatever sort of excuse.

In my teenage years I had my small slow tryouts of the dating game. Twice I met someone that just 'clicked' in the manner of 'hey, this is fun, we get along, we're not weirding each other out and it's comfortable to do stuff together'. Like you say, they're excellent training wheels, they're opportunities to learn what you like, to figure out what you really want and what not, to slowly make your way into some confidence in this behind-the-screens personal, intimate give-and-take game that people play while looking for a mate/just sex/a buddy.

I did notice that I, too, seemed to be rather fixated on some level of long-lastingness. The friends I 'dated' in our own geeky manner where mutual try-outs, brief crushes, a good time together, but when push came to shove and I was asked if it was to go further, I said no, and ended in good friendship. Just follow your instincts with that, and never grow wary of communicating.


You're still young, so am I technically, and it can sometimes really ache inside to find this one person you wish you could stay with until you're old and wrinkly. Not everyone has such ideals, not everyone has such aspirations, but hey, they're out there, those who'll have the desire and the guts to enter such a commitment, to at least take it seriously and try things out. I suppose ideally you'd have been more at peace with temporary bonds for a little while longer, but hey, everyone their own thing, their own tempo.

Take your time, try not to feel too rushed, you're quicker in it than many others. But I'm quite sure you'll find someone someday who can handle that wish of yours in good faith and with realistic expectations, someone who'll like you and you can like back.

I found mine, I think, and I still can't quite seem capable of daring to believe it just yet. It's wonderful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,511 Posts
I've had high school romances, two to be precise and the only two "serious" relationships that actually developed into relationships, but meh. At least from what I can tell from that age, guys are usually not worth it. Men develop slower than women when it comes to cognition, ergo the stereotype that men are more immature than women during high school and college.

It can be nice to have the experience of a relationship but generally speaking I am not sure I miss them anymore. First one was a douche, second one douche but a little less douche (I was madly in love with him though). Also, if you're that young your Fe is still almost non-existent. Unless you hook up with another NT guy chances are they will probably be a little disappointed because of your lack of showing physical intimacy etc. Pretty sure the second douche was an INFP which probably explains a lot why I liked him so much and he made me realize my love for NFs in general. There is something very attractive to me about their tender sensitivity.

Like nadja wrote, relationships during high school and college are more kinda out of convenience than for the sake of really caring for another human for most of the part. If you don't have any issues about sex (feeling asexual and think sexual organs are the most gross things found on the human body - I still think that way lulz) and would like to explore, dive in I suppose. But don't expect it to last because it will most likely not.

And I suppose - do follow the stereotype and hook up with an older guy. It will totally be worth it from a maturity viewpoint.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,634 Posts
And I suppose - do follow the stereotype and hook up with an older guy. It will totally be worth it from a maturity viewpoint.
Totally. I agree wholeheartedly.

My yardstick for the dateability of a man: If you were not old enough to vote when LBJ was in office, you're too young for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Thanks for the response. this was slightly useful, but I guess really the only thing I can do is go with what I feel...which kinda leaves me back where I started. At any rate, at least I may know a bit more going into some "relationships"/romantic interactions than I previously knew. I guess I forgot to say that I'm in my third year of college, by the way, and looking for something long lasting isn't surprising considering I'm almost out of my undergraduate stuff and on to the rest of my life (whatever that means when other people say it...not something I normally say). I guess my problem is I'm just not sure whether to let myself fall in love or not, because right now love seems like a decision mostly to me. I take the idea from a movie, Dan in Real Life, and while it comes from a movie it's still someone's idea of love, and I agree with it to an extent. So...I guess I'm just unsure about whether or not I can actually love or feel much care for anyone if I can just detach myself so easily and move on so quickly. It's like I process emotions faster than I should sometimes...

Also, I should point out that I'm not actually an INTP. Well... I am, but it's like I can and do sometimes feel as much as a feeler, and my T is kinda on the border between T and F, so that might make a difference. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't static/stable enough and is too dynamic and fluctuating depending on situations. (Sorry if I sound a bit self-centered and self-pitying. Rest assured I don't pity myself very much.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,511 Posts
Thanks for the response. this was slightly useful, but I guess really the only thing I can do is go with what I feel...which kinda leaves me back where I started. At any rate, at least I may know a bit more going into some "relationships"/romantic interactions than I previously knew. I guess I forgot to say that I'm in my third year of college, by the way, and looking for something long lasting isn't surprising considering I'm almost out of my undergraduate stuff and on to the rest of my life (whatever that means when other people say it...not something I normally say). I guess my problem is I'm just not sure whether to let myself fall in love or not, because right now love seems like a decision mostly to me. I take the idea from a movie, Dan in Real Life, and while it comes from a movie it's still someone's idea of love, and I agree with it to an extent. So...I guess I'm just unsure about whether or not I can actually love or feel much care for anyone if I can just detach myself so easily and move on so quickly. It's like I process emotions faster than I should sometimes...

Also, I should point out that I'm not actually an INTP. Well... I am, but it's like I can and do sometimes feel as much as a feeler, and my T is kinda on the border between T and F, so that might make a difference. Sometimes I feel like my personality isn't static/stable enough and is too dynamic and fluctuating depending on situations. (Sorry if I sound a bit self-centered and self-pitying. Rest assured I don't pity myself very much.)
SiTi loops :mellow:

I know how you feel. I've just taken my masters so I'm a grad now. Basically, either you meet a guy or gal you like or you don't. We INTPs like it slow so if you like each other it will most likely come rather naturally to you eventually if the relationship is mean to go in that direction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,634 Posts
When someone is interested in you, but hasn't explicitly told you, does ignore-and-hope-it-goes-away ever actually work?
You can ignore and hope, but once they collect superhuman courage and ask an INTP out on a date, you must take action. One of the following actions:

1. Freak out, then say yes.
2. Say yes, then freak out.
3. Freak out, then say no.
4. Say no, and break their poor little heart and make them feel so humiliated to be rejected that they never appear within a mile of you again and feel like crap for weeks HAPPY NOW??????????????

:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
856 Posts
You can ignore and hope, but once they collect superhuman courage and ask an INTP out on a date, you must take action. One of the following actions:

1. Freak out, then say yes.
2. Say yes, then freak out.
3. Freak out, then say no.
4. Say no, and break their poor little heart and make them feel so humiliated to be rejected that they never appear within a mile of you again and feel like crap for weeks HAPPY NOW??????????????

:)
If the plucky sod did work up the courage to ask me out, my response would be a combination of options 3 and 4. But he's a really nice guy and I don't want that to happen. I was just hoping that if I ignore it, he'll never work up the courage, so I never have to feel bad for rejecting him. Is that likely to happen? I feel it's not, but I'm clinging on to hope.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,634 Posts
If the plucky sod did work up the courage to ask me out, my response would be a combination of options 3 and 4. But he's a really nice guy and I don't want that to happen. I was just hoping that if I ignore it, he'll never work up the courage, so I never have to feel bad for rejecting him. Is that likely to happen? I feel it's not, but I'm clinging on to hope.
If you don't mind lying, you can stop him in his tracks by commenting on whatever topic he starts out with: "I know, right? My boyfriend said the same thing last week. Apparently it's really common/popular/expensive/good/bad/sturdy."
 

·
黐線 ~Chiseen~
Joined
·
5,240 Posts
Dear NTP Sisters,

Should a guy owe any explanation to the girl (#1) they wanted to ask out only to be placed into the friendzone and/or 'let's just be friends' zone if guy decides to work on another relationship with another girl (#2)?

Girl (#1) puts on friend mask reminding items like guy promised to fix dad's pc, spews current events with the family, etc etc. continuing as if relationship pursuit never happened. Which is fine... Guy can accept this as small talk. But to continue to keep guy close as 'friend' but whips out jealous spite sends guy mixed signals.

Meanwhile, guy attempts to pursue girl (#2). Guy has not kept in any communication whatsoever with girl (#1) for at least 4 months. Before that, Christmas last year and Birthday around March. Guy and girl (#1) had 'let's be friends' around some 13-14 months ago.

Guy doesn't want to step into unforeseen mind game trap, tripwire trap, time bomb trap, emotional trap, signal trap, or any combination of any unmentioned trap.

Guy does not want relationship with girl (#1) if whatever this is continues to be non-reciprocated. Non-requited chemistry goes in one direction.... and it sucks. Guy does not want to spend parsecs going through mental torture for many day/evening cycles with sleeplessness and the likes.

What should guy do or be doing?

As of current, guy is keeping distance, maintaining no communication until opposing side initiates.

Last but not least, back to initial question... Guy has a hunch that if girl (#1) is not notified about pursuit of girl (#2) from guy's mouth, girl (#1) would enter jealous spite mode. Even with word-of-mouth notification, there would be jealous spite mode, but 'not as severe'... or is this all in Guy's head and over thinking about utter nonsense again? Guy is not in any official relationship with girl (#2)... if that even factors into anything.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Through browsing these threads, I am recognizing some of my own patterns of behavior for the first time. It will be interesting to see how much of this lines up with other INTP's. I may be on the J side of P.

I didn't start dating until age 18. I didn't really have an interest in dating/was terrified of what disgusting things would be expected of me from a boyfriend. If a boyfriend wanted to hang out often, I would become extremely irritated and perceive it as clingy. And by often, I mean more than once a week. I've gotten a lot better though and have successfully lived with my current boyfriend for 3 years now. I was initially afraid to get an apartment with him because I burnt out on all my previous relationships in about a year, then let them drag on for another painful year while I rationalized dumping them (or hoped they'd dump me and save me the trouble). I'd never cheat, because maintaining even a satisfying relashionship is exhausting. I cannot fathom juggling a failing relationship and an uncomfortably new one. I've only dated guys I knew through friends/school/work for over a year. This isn't a rule or anything, it just takes a long time for me to become comfortable with someone. If I was asked out by someone I didn't know through friends, school, or work, it would creep me out hardcore. I'd probably claim to be busy or have cancer, but only because literally fleeing from the situation seemed somewhat irrational compared to the cancer excuse. Not by much, though. I suck at expressing myself physically in a relationship. Honestly, I'd rather think about sex than actually do it. And that has nothing to do with how I feel about the SO. It's just not something I consider to be important. It must be related to love somehow, though I don't get it. There have been countless occasions where I've been in a group of girls and one of them will point out a 'hot guy' and everyone will chatter about how hot he is and ask if I agree. This could be a celebrity or some guy walkling down the street. I seriously can't tell. How am I supposed to know if he's attractive? What if he's stupid?

I'm often caught spacing out, which is more entertaining to me than going to the movies. This can be seen as shy, but it's not that I'm afraid to be involved, I most likely don't give a crap about whatever you're doing. Sometimes I need to be alone in my mind and any interruption feels physically jarring. Serious comments and observations are often taken as jokes. Does this sound familiar to anyone-- "you say the funniest things, and always with a straight face!". This may be the J. I'd rather learn how to do something than go to a party. Graduation ceremonies and the like hold no meaning for me, not even my own. They are long and boring and pointless. The lady on the cell phone voicemail, I could kill her for wasting my time with all the worthless information she gives before finally relenquishing the actual messages, which I would prefer to delete without hearing, except that my boss noticed my inbox was full when she tried to message me, so now I have to delete 3 years worth of pointless audio to get to her message that she thinks was so important, but cannot just tell me the information from it right now. And it turns out is was a Happy 4th of july greeting or something. Really? Really? Is this J or P?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14 Posts
Also, what is the personality type that is weirdly impressed by any piece if crap with a phrase on it. Example: a board (literally a piece of wood) with "friends are those who reached for your hand and touched your heart" machine printed on it. I've seen girls brought to tears by this sort of thing. It seriously doesn't matter what the object is or how much it costs, they will buy it. It could be a single ceramic tile that sits on a table or a picture frame that is proudly displayed for years without any photos in it. A trip to Gordman's with this type is exhausting because they seem find every phrase to be meaningful enough to share each one with you, perhaps waiting for your astonishment at how deeply this ceramic frog has touched your heart and caused you to redefine everything you thought you knew about friendship and love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
^
That sounds like an ESFP (one of my roommates next year) paired with just general annoying qualities typical to young women.
The desire to fit in...to empathize with other people (particularly other young women)...discouragement to think intellectually (that's a "guy" thing to do) and only to think emotionally in order to achieve the formerly mentioned ends.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,973 Posts
Through browsing these threads, I am recognizing some of my own patterns of behavior for the first time. It will be interesting to see how much of this lines up with other INTP's. I may be on the J side of P.

I didn't start dating until age 18. I didn't really have an interest in dating/was terrified of what disgusting things would be expected of me from a boyfriend. If a boyfriend wanted to hang out often, I would become extremely irritated and perceive it as clingy. And by often, I mean more than once a week. I've gotten a lot better though and have successfully lived with my current boyfriend for 3 years now. I was initially afraid to get an apartment with him because I burnt out on all my previous relationships in about a year, then let them drag on for another painful year while I rationalized dumping them (or hoped they'd dump me and save me the trouble). I'd never cheat, because maintaining even a satisfying relashionship is exhausting. I cannot fathom juggling a failing relationship and an uncomfortably new one. I've only dated guys I knew through friends/school/work for over a year. This isn't a rule or anything, it just takes a long time for me to become comfortable with someone. If I was asked out by someone I didn't know through friends, school, or work, it would creep me out hardcore. I'd probably claim to be busy or have cancer, but only because literally fleeing from the situation seemed somewhat irrational compared to the cancer excuse. Not by much, though. I suck at expressing myself physically in a relationship. Honestly, I'd rather think about sex than actually do it. And that has nothing to do with how I feel about the SO. It's just not something I consider to be important. It must be related to love somehow, though I don't get it. There have been countless occasions where I've been in a group of girls and one of them will point out a 'hot guy' and everyone will chatter about how hot he is and ask if I agree. This could be a celebrity or some guy walkling down the street. I seriously can't tell. How am I supposed to know if he's attractive? What if he's stupid?

I'm often caught spacing out, which is more entertaining to me than going to the movies. This can be seen as shy, but it's not that I'm afraid to be involved, I most likely don't give a crap about whatever you're doing. Sometimes I need to be alone in my mind and any interruption feels physically jarring. Serious comments and observations are often taken as jokes. Does this sound familiar to anyone-- "you say the funniest things, and always with a straight face!". This may be the J. I'd rather learn how to do something than go to a party. Graduation ceremonies and the like hold no meaning for me, not even my own. They are long and boring and pointless. The lady on the cell phone voicemail, I could kill her for wasting my time with all the worthless information she gives before finally relenquishing the actual messages, which I would prefer to delete without hearing, except that my boss noticed my inbox was full when she tried to message me, so now I have to delete 3 years worth of pointless audio to get to her message that she thinks was so important, but cannot just tell me the information from it right now. And it turns out is was a Happy 4th of july greeting or something. Really? Really? Is this J or P?

I can't find anything relevant to P or J in there.

If you're in doubt, I'd suggest plunging into some research about what P and J actually stand for (liking things narrowly defined, pinned-down, planned-out, all in the right spot, meticulous with little room for spontaneous changes of plans and clutter, making plans and lists and liking to stick to them vs. going with the flow, 'I'll see what happens', making a vague plan and then ending up doing whatever's most convenient last-minute anyway, procrastinating, improvising),
and about the type functions, since INTJ and INTP operate quite very, very differently in these ways.

I myself have had this confusion, I can be pretty strict and 'putting things in boxes' and I like to think I grew out of clutter into keeping my living space somewhat organised, but then I looked back at how I was as a child, and how I do things spontaneously, and then I discovered that I never cared that much for cleaning up as a kid, and I liked being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted, and it pissed me off when people suddenly came with plans that didn't fit in my idea of 'seas of time to fill up with doing unplanned things'. I would've probably liked sports better if I'd been allowed to do it whenever I felt like it rather than 'every thursday afternoon'.
 
541 - 560 of 7804 Posts
Top