[Klaro26]

Yes.

Towards SO, I'd rather show how I'm feeling. If I feel intimate, I will cuddle. If I feel happy, my SO will certainly know. The point is, my SO will know how I'm feeling. However, if there are other people in the group, my SO will not know how I am truly feeling. It all depends on the situation and how well I know my SO.

There are times when I will openly discuss my feelings. As selfishly as it may be, it has to be on my terms and my way. (You should be highly complimented if your INTP shares his/her feelings as it means emotional closeness). Since your INTP is sad, he/she is more likely to come out because no one likes being sad. Although saying that, don't keep your INTP sad, he/she will find alternate reasons to get whatever is causing the sadness to stop.

When you provided on your part, make sure that the INTP knows that you are there for him/her. Encourage the INTP to open up next time (don't ask him how he feels). It is the first step into getting the INTP to open up. Beware of frequently encouraging him/her to open up, as the relationship may get emotionally charged. INTP avoid emotionally charged topics.


As for your situation, it seems that he hasn't opened up about how he/she is feeling towards you in the past (I could be wrong). Most likely scenario is that he/she must reach a threshold. I do advise preventing him/her from reaching that threshold as it would gain you no favours and pain. If he/she knows that you did your best to prevent the threshold from being reached, it may gain you some big favours. Try to defuse the INTP's emotions the best you can. Show that you love him/her. Show that you care. Speak his language. Don't be clingy.

**You know what is bothering INTP** use facts and logic to calm the INTP.

**You don't know** Try to find something in INTP's life that uses routine and repetition. Military/job or can be something small (extremely unlikely). Micromanaging is really defeating to an INTP. Or can be something that makes INTP feel inferior and stupid.

About enhancing depth, if the relationship is on a good course (between you and him/her), enhancing depth is already happening. Think of depth like a tree. Give a tree time, water, and sunlight and the tree will grow, but if you force the tree to grow, you may end up killing the tree.
If you want to know how he/she's feeling, just give it time. You will not regret it. In the meantime, let his/her body language show you what he/she is feeling.

I think it helps to know that my attachment style is avoidant to closeness

I am not in a relationship with the INTP - at least not officially. But I am trying to get to know him better - so trying various approaches. I'm crazy in love with him and I sense it's reciprocal. But our "situation" is a bit difficult - LDR. We've known each other since our childhood - although it was just as acquaintances. Over the last years, life kept somehow bringing us in the same contexts although we were constantly travelling (both of us). Seems like our shared interests and ambitions made us meet throughout the world.

About half a year ago, a friend needed help with something and I remembered he was the best at that particular thing. SO I reached out and asked him to help my friend. Ever since then, we've been talking a lot. Even met. Epic. I haven't met anyone I can talk to non-stop for a long time. We once met in the airport like 3 years ago and we talked for 10 hours straight. 3 years later, life brings us back and he remembers every shit detail I told him. This story took be my surprise. But now I am sure of what I feel and after a lot of traumas in past relationships, I am finally ready to risk.

And I feel like he is worth the risk. So I want to understand him as well as I can. Thanks for your input. It helped a lot

 

[SimplyEnigmatic]

And I feel like he is worth the risk. So I want to understand him as well as I can. Thanks for your input. It helped a lot

Glad I could be of help. Hopefully it works out! However INTPs aren't usually good at LDRs so it might be quite difficult to maintain the LDR. There is a thread on this somewhere but don't mistake the distance as a sign of disinterest. Luckily there is a cure for this, so if you two like to play video games, arrange time to play together.

I have never been in a LDR, but I have been away from family. They always complain that I don't text/call enough.

 

[Klaro26]

Glad I could be of help. Hopefully it works out! However INTPs aren't usually good at LDRs so it might be quite difficult to maintain the LDR. There is a thread on this somewhere but don't mistake the distance as a sign of disinterest. Luckily there is a cure for this, so if you two like to play video games, arrange time to play together.

I have never been in a LDR, but I have been away from family. They always complain that I don't text/call enough.

Haha, I was in another LDR before. 3 years. with an ISTJ. Worked better than expected although it made me swear to God I would not repeat the experience.h: But here I am, dragging my INFJ emotionality with me once again.

I guess what helps is that there is a chance it might stop being a LDR. Both of us have lived in both of the countries we live in right now. You never know where life takes you. And I guess some things (or people) are worth the risk. YOLO

 

[Senah]

I am not in a relationship with the INTP - at least not officially. But I am trying to get to know him better - so trying various approaches. I'm crazy in love with him and I sense it's reciprocal. But our "situation" is a bit difficult - LDR. We've known each other since our childhood - although it was just as acquaintances. Over the last years, life kept somehow bringing us in the same contexts although we were constantly travelling (both of us). Seems like our shared interests and ambitions made us meet throughout the world.

I know it may seem awkward, but I would say that even if it is love/romantic/epic, if you want to see how he feels, you just address it. I knew I had fallen hard for my bf (INTP), and we had a very succinct and straight-forward conversation one night when I got back from vacation about whether we would be "boyfriend and girlfriend" and live together from that point on. It seems almost childish, but that is how we talked about the decision - kind of "do you want to be my girlfriend? yes, do you want to be my boyfriend? yes, I have only been dating you for a while, and I'm mostly living here, should I just move in? yes, that makes sense. Great." - It was that romantic.

Then TBH he got drunk on a trip and sent me a message saying he loved me, but then got back and we didn't talk about it for two weeks because he worried that he would scare me off and it was a feeling, and as an ENTP I am also weirded out by feelings, so I bluntly said, "So, several weeks ago you sent me that e-mail, and I wondered if that was a reaction because you were drunk and you didn't mean it or if you sent it because you were brave drunk. Either way it would be good to get clarification." And he clarified that, "Well, I didn't want to say it again in case it made you freaked out, but yes, it's true, I feel very strongly for you, and you make me happy, and I do love you." Then I said I loved him too, and we now say that to each other.

What I am trying to communicate I suppose is that even emotional exchanges are negotiated in a very matter-of-fact manner (of course, we are both NTs), however it is how we feel comfortable. That said, I know we feel very, very strongly about each other, and secure in that, and we show it, so you do get there with NT relationships, but it doesn't look "romantic" I guess from the outside to a lot of other types. But if the fact that I committed to him and he to me is a big deal to both of us.

I guess what I am saying is not to look for the emotional talks, because even if you have them, they may seem awkward or lacking. Look for the signs of commitment (time, effort, attention) which INTPs rarely give.

That's my thought at any rate

 

[islandlight]

And do you always have this unwillingness to discuss your feelings? I mean, I'm a bit confused at how deep intimacy with your partner can be created if you never discuss this. So my question is: is there a different channel through which you enhance depth or is it that once you reach a certain threshold, you can open up about your emotions?

Can I get through the day with you without a lot of hassles? Do we enjoy spending time together? Do we have similar humor, lifestyle, values, etc.? Do we respect our differences, do we respect each other's friends, belongings, etc.? Can we depend on each other in times of need? Can I trust you with my money, secrets, etc.? Do we admire each other's good qualities? If you can answer yes to most of these, then I guess our relationship is deep enough.

If I'm feeling really bad, I might be able to open up about why. But it's disgustingly messy and I'd rather not go there, and I'll feel ashamed if I do. Mostly I'd rather figure out my feelings for myself.

It's like wanting someone to "open up" about what's wrong with his car, when he'd rather just fix the damn thing and keep driving, so he can get where he wants to go. (Especially if he doesn't know anything about cars.)

Edit: I recall once telling an INFJ about how upset I was about someone else. Even though it wasn't about her, she said that listening to me took a lot out of her. Why would I want to put another person through that? Ugh.

 

[ajk87075]

21 year old male INTP-A who just graduated college here and I've got a few things to say about myself first:
-I play guitar, piano, sing, and write songs.
-I force myself to work out every single day even if I lack motivation.
-I've been told I have qualities girls like by some of my female friends. (Ex: Not needy)

With that being said:
-I've never been on a date
-I've never had a girlfriend
-I've never kissed a girl apart from spin-the-bottle
-I've never asked a girl out because I can always find more negatives to asking one out than positives
-I've rejected every single girl that's ever asked me out as I've only been asked out by girls that I don't like
-I suck at the online stuff. I'm terrible at talking to girls over the internet or through text and I even dislike it at some times

I need help. I want a girlfriend but have no idea how to start.

 

[Fuu]

-I've never asked a girl out because I can always find more negatives to asking one out than positives

Ummm... Maybe start from here?
Change your point of view, try to focus more on the positives, even if there seem to be more negatives.

 

[islandlight]

Make a list. What do you think you'd like in a woman? Even if you're inexperienced, you probably have some idea. Intelligent, honest, funny, quiet, sporty, ambitious, cynical? Once you have what you want sorted out, it will be easier to find and approach appropriate people. For example, if you decide you want a quiet and serious girl you might look in the park or the gym, rather than in a rowdy bar. (This doesn't mean you won't find the right person in a bar--just that your energies might be better directed elsewhere.) And once you find her, you will be more likely to relate to her and say the right things.

If you don't like text or Internet, don't do it.

If it feels right to you, try doing fun things with women. Ask one to dance at a bar or party. Ask one to go on a hike or play a one-on-one sport (like handball). Ask one to play a two-handed card game or side-by-side video game. These are things that allow you to get to know one another in a casual way without the pressure of "dating," and you don't even have to talk much. The activity itself is the main focus, so you'll both have a good time. And when it's over, one or both of you can walk away, but now you "kind of" know each other and might connect later.

Sounds like you need to take it slow. Try starting with friendship and getting to know the person first. Since you already have female friends, and presumably they don't appeal to you, find ways to make new friends. Be friendlier to coworkers, newcomers in your social circle, etc.--even people you meet briefly, like clerks in stores and so on.

None of this guarantees that you will find the right person immediately. It's a learning process that needs to be tweaked constantly.

Hope that helps.

 

[GusWriter]

21 year old male INTP-A who just graduated college here and I've got a few things to say about myself first:
-I play guitar, piano, sing, and write songs.
-I force myself to work out every single day even if I lack motivation.
-I've been told I have qualities girls like by some of my female friends. (Ex: Not needy)

With that being said:
-I've never been on a date
-I've never had a girlfriend
-I've never kissed a girl apart from spin-the-bottle
-I've never asked a girl out because I can always find more negatives to asking one out than positives
-I've rejected every single girl that's ever asked me out as I've only been asked out by girls that I don't like
-I suck at the online stuff. I'm terrible at talking to girls over the internet or through text and I even dislike it at some times

I need help. I want a girlfriend but have no idea how to start.

One step at a time,

First, let's try to be honest, the " never asked a girl out because I can always find more negatives to asking one out than positives", is this really true, or is it an excuse to not do something that seems uncomfortable. I know, I had trouble asking girls out when I was young, and I may have made excuses, but this was part of the reason. Not so bad once you get used to it.

You'll need a little bit of interaction first. Don't use lines, be yourself, but your interesting self. If you can find a way to naturally work in a joke or an interesting story that's good. Then once you get the "go ahead" look, just ask. "Want to go out ***night?"
If she says yes, cool, you're good to go. If she says no, don't sweat it, you at least know now what she would say.

 

[ajk87075]

I mean, yeah. The uncomfortable thing is definitely part of it. I think if I liked someone and my best friend asked me if I liked them, I would still lie and say no because it makes me feel uncomfortable to admit I have feelings for someone. That's true even if the person I like isn't present. Perhaps I'm too picky as well.

 

[ajk87075]

Make a list. What do you think you'd like in a woman? Even if you're inexperienced, you probably have some idea. Intelligent, honest, funny, quiet, sporty, ambitious, cynical? Once you have what you want sorted out, it will be easier to find and approach appropriate people. For example, if you decide you want a quiet and serious girl you might look in the park or the gym, rather than in a rowdy bar. (This doesn't mean you won't find the right person in a bar--just that your energies might be better directed elsewhere.) And once you find her, you will be more likely to relate to her and say the right things.

If you don't like text or Internet, don't do it.

If it feels right to you, try doing fun things with women. Ask one to dance at a bar or party. Ask one to go on a hike or play a one-on-one sport (like handball). Ask one to play a two-handed card game or side-by-side video game. These are things that allow you to get to know one another in a casual way without the pressure of "dating," and you don't even have to talk much. The activity itself is the main focus, so you'll both have a good time. And when it's over, one or both of you can walk away, but now you "kind of" know each other and might connect later.

Sounds like you need to take it slow. Try starting with friendship and getting to know the person first. Since you already have female friends, and presumably they don't appeal to you, find ways to make new friends. Be friendlier to coworkers, newcomers in your social circle, etc.--even people you meet briefly, like clerks in stores and so on.

None of this guarantees that you will find the right person immediately. It's a learning process that needs to be tweaked constantly.

Hope that helps.

I have had a friend of mine show interest in me but it never went anywhere and now it's dead. Basically it started in New York City and I was with a bunch of my friends there and she gets anxiety when she's in crowded areas full of people she doesn't know. I'm a very calm person and I have this natural ability to calm others down. Basically she ended up grabbing my arm tight for comfort and it turned into her holding my hand. Then on the bus ride home she slept on my shoulder and stuff. After that we started watching movies together and she would rest her head on my shoulder whenever we did. But it never went anywhere for various reasons and it's quite a long story.


Independence and intelligence are probably two of the most attractive qualities to me. I also love hiking either by myself or with one other person. It helps me think if I'm alone and If I'm with someone else, I can have some pretty good conversations.

 

[GusWriter]

I have had a friend of mine show interest in me but it never went anywhere and now it's dead. Basically it started in New York City and I was with a bunch of my friends there and she gets anxiety when she's in crowded areas full of people she doesn't know. I'm a very calm person and I have this natural ability to calm others down. Basically she ended up grabbing my arm tight for comfort and it turned into her holding my hand. Then on the bus ride home she slept on my shoulder and stuff. After that we started watching movies together and she would rest her head on my shoulder whenever we did. But it never went anywhere for various reasons and it's quite a long story.


Independence and intelligence are probably two of the most attractive qualities to me. I also love hiking either by myself or with one other person. It helps me think if I'm alone and If I'm with someone else, I can have some pretty good conversations.

Without seeing it I could not be sure, but it sounds like your one friend was interested, but perhaps you did not show you were. Or perhaps you weren't. Sounds like you are on your way though. You'll do fine.

 

[incision]

I have had a friend of mine show interest in me but it never went anywhere and now it's dead. Basically it started in New York City and I was with a bunch of my friends there and she gets anxiety when she's in crowded areas full of people she doesn't know. I'm a very calm person and I have this natural ability to calm others down. Basically she ended up grabbing my arm tight for comfort and it turned into her holding my hand. Then on the bus ride home she slept on my shoulder and stuff. After that we started watching movies together and she would rest her head on my shoulder whenever we did. But it never went anywhere for various reasons and it's quite a long story.


Independence and intelligence are probably two of the most attractive qualities to me. I also love hiking either by myself or with one other person. It helps me think if I'm alone and If I'm with someone else, I can have some pretty good conversations.

What I've observed about INTP males is that unless they're really into someone to the point of crushing madly, they won't approach females. What can sometimes happen is that a less than ideal female will pursue them until the INTP male gives up running and then, they settle down with them only to regret doing so.

 

[ajk87075]

Without seeing it I could not be sure, but it sounds like your one friend was interested, but perhaps you did not show you were. Or perhaps you weren't. Sounds like you are on your way though. You'll do fine.

I would say I half showed interest and half didn't. Like when she would watch movies in my room I would let her rest her head on my shoulders and hold my hand if she showed that she wanted to. So there I might be showing interest because I'm not stopping her when she's doing that stuff. But then on Valentines day (which is around when all this was happening) she got me a card and a chocolate rose and I didn't get her anything. I'm actually curious as to whether she was waiting for me to ask her out but looking back on it, I'm glad nothing happened with her.

 

[GusWriter]

I would say I half showed interest and half didn't. Like when she would watch movies in my room I would let her rest her head on my shoulders and hold my hand if she showed that she wanted to. So there I might be showing interest because I'm not stopping her when she's doing that stuff. But then on Valentines day (which is around when all this was happening) she got me a card and a chocolate rose and I didn't get her anything. I'm actually curious as to whether she was waiting for me to ask her out but looking back on it, I'm glad nothing happened with her.

OK, now I'm 100% sure. She was into you. She laid claim to you in NYC, and then was just letting you move slow. So, as for grabbing your arm, holding your hand, yes all signs. Occasionally just friends will do things like this, usually to keep some other guy they aren't interested in away. But the fact that it was happening often was a definite sign. So, moving forward, you'll know.

Just a heads up. If there is any single girl you are hanging out with a bit, and even you only have the slightest romantic interest, get them a Valentine's Day card or gift of some sort. Don't listen to the people who say that day is not a big deal. It's just always better to err on the side of thoughtfulness on this day.

 

[MaysInfectious]

Ajk87085 and srgwriter, I believe you guys are both right with your reasons.

AjK, I think the uncomfortable feeling SRGWRITER states stems from your formulated truth you've gone over several times in your head, and that truth is usually the biggest discomfort. This would be the failure or rejection you assume will happen or has happened in the past, or the fact that you know this person you think you like isn't right for you, regardless how beautiful, smart or charming they are. These are signs of lust, and I'm sure, many here would agree, lust is not something we thrive on. Us INTPs have the hardest time getting over this problem because all of our past and continuous analysis stick in our mind and constantly pick at us, that basic analysis for us is "are they interested in me" and we(I) tend to base that off of their willingness to talk to us, then the next basis is are they talking to me because they want something or want "me". Something as little as asking someone out shouldn't be that big of a burden though, unless you unquestionably know that it will ruin the relationship you currently have with this person. It's not Russian Roulette eithercase, the worst that can happen is you get rejected. If this happens, you must be quick to let this person know that you knew it was a long shot but you didn't want the opportunity to pass and always wonder "what if". If you don't, the rejection will soon turn to resentment towards this person, when in reality they did nothing wrong. I think it's best not to directly ask someone out, but to lead them into hanging out or going on a date. In reality we need to find a extrovert or have an extrovert find us and roll with it. Other Introverts are not good for us, unless one of us takes on the extroverted (dominant) role.

The main issue stems from our introverted nature, if we don't put ourselves out there in the real world, then we won't ever find new options. So we're usually left with the people that come around or the surrounding students/coworkers. Which are generally not the best dating options. This is a much bigger problem for us INTP-A's, as I recently posted on another thread. This is essentially because we aren't true INTP, but rather unhealthy ENTP-As. I'm currently dealing with similar dating issues as I can't find someone to date, and it's been years now since my last real relationship. But I also realize I haven't talked to a single new person outside of work in years, and my job isn't the right field I should be in. All the people I could even think of dating are either old friends or coworkers. For me, dating a coworker isn't a smart option, and dating an old friend seems unreasonably lame.



My last reply is aimed towards the INTJ lady looking to date a long term INTP friend. I think you've allowed this person to manipulate your feelings more than you realize. Your mutual lust and love for eachother doesn't seem safe to me. Either you must take on an extremely extroverted role with this guy or cut the ties in whatever way you can. As much love and as he professes for you, and you for him, he probably has a equally large bag of hatred and resentment stored for every single thing that's ticked him off because of you. Either you make him confess these dark truths before you get serious with him, or you make sure that closet stays closed. Believe me, if he's as hardcore an INTP as you assume. He unquestionably has some dark thoughts about you that would crush your soul. It's not personal, it's just logical.

My opinion is that most of us INTPs need an assertive extrovert to date. Most notably any E_._J.

 

[MaysInfectious]

It really depends on where the sadness is directed and what is causing the sadness.
***
For whatever you do, for the love of god DO NOT ASK HIM/HER HOW HE/SHE FEELS!
He may retreat and/or lash out. (I have been in both situations, latter one once).

For those onlookers who don't fully understand the importance to this, asking us how we feel is the most vaguely ambiguous and useless questions you can ask. There is no logical point for us to start at, and making us shortly responding with an equally vague answer like "fine" makes us feel and look like buttholes. I rather shoot myself in the foot, then answer "fine" just so you know I'm lying and so you can follow up with a better question.

It's insulting for everyone.

 

[daleks_exterminate]

Let's imagine for a second that you're in a relationship and you hate spiders, but you're with someone who thinks they're cute. How could they convince you spiders are cute?

 

[GusWriter]

AjK, I think the uncomfortable feeling SRGWRITER states stems from your formulated truth you've gone over several times in your head, and that truth is usually the biggest discomfort. This would be the failure or rejection you assume will happen or has happened in the past, or the fact that you know this person you think you like isn't right for you, regardless how beautiful, smart or charming they are. These are signs of lust, and I'm sure, many here would agree, lust is not something we thrive on.

I actually have a different take on this. For me the fear of rejection thing may have been part of it. But I think the uncomfortable feeling came more from fear of it being awkward. It's one of those things. In lots of stories of people getting together, including those who have been happily married for decades, you often hear about that awkward first meeting/ask out. But, once you find out that awkwardness is fairly common, then hey embrace the awkwardness, INTPs are good at awkward, we're used to it.

I don't think lust is necessarily always what you described. Sometimes it's just you really like looks, mannerisms, first impression sense of humor of a person, and that interest is instantly there from you. So, you want to go out with them and get to know them better.

Us INTPs have the hardest time getting over this problem because all of our past and continuous analysis stick in our mind and constantly pick at us, that basic analysis for us is "are they interested in me" and we(I) tend to base that off of their willingness to talk to us, then the next basis is are they talking to me because they want something or want "me". Something as little as asking someone out shouldn't be that big of a burden though, unless you unquestionably know that it will ruin the relationship you currently have with this person. It's not Russian Roulette eithercase, the worst that can happen is you get rejected. If this happens, you must be quick to let this person know that you knew it was a long shot but you didn't want the opportunity to pass and always wonder "what if". If you don't, the rejection will soon turn to resentment towards this person, when in reality they did nothing wrong. I think it's best not to directly ask someone out, but to lead them into hanging out or going on a date. In reality we need to find a extrovert or have an extrovert find us and roll with it. Other Introverts are not good for us, unless one of us takes on the extroverted (dominant) role.

See this is a great example of the over analyzing you were speaking of. I think I agree, but it was a lot of words. I'll go along with asking someone out should not be that big of a deal. If they say no then that's fine. That's why asking out is a question. Should be no hard feelings on either side. I do think once they say no, you can just leave it at that, say, "Awh, too bad," and moving on like it's the end of it will make things less weird between the people if they were already friends, well unless they ask.

 

[GusWriter]

Let's imagine for a second that you're in a relationship and you hate spiders, but you're with someone who thinks they're cute. How could they convince you spiders are cute?

Yeah, cuteness isn't happening. But they play an important part in the way the world naturally works. Some actually help prevent termites. Webs are kind of cool.

Tarantulas out in the wild must think they are bigger than they really are. Wife was in front on a hike and then the loud scream. Tarantula just standing in the middle of the trail. I took a hiking stick and thumped on the ground right behind it several times. It did not move except it turned a bit. I told her that she screamed it into shock and she could just walk by. But I ran across another one while trail running that did the same sort of thing. They don't care.

So spiders can be cool, but if I see one inside . . . sorry.