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You give him a deadline to get started on something, like starting trade school, and simply end things and move out if he doesn't meet it. Be level with him, show him your post and get across that promises aren't cutting it anymore. You're supposed to be a couple, but functionally this is coming across as a mommy/dependent relationship and he will continue like this as long as you let him.

As things are, you're the enabler of a self-perpetuating cycle he has no reason to break and it's just stunting his growth. So kicking him in the ass is a favour to the both of you and a crisis is usually what it takes.
INTPs are not motivated by the same things that motivate other types. Generally, INTPs have to be very uncomfortable to grow. You aren't doing him any favors in the current situation. INTPs are very conscious of the future possibilities where current bad choices will lead and are very capable of finding solutions when pressed. Some internet personalities do have insights into the INTP personality type. Fellow INTP, Jordan Peterson, has a program of self-improvement for such types. YouTuber, Chase Joseph, has some good suggestions in his INTP playlist. All-in-all, we can be pretty stubborn because we think we are so smart. We can be disinclined to listen to the advice of others.
 

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pro-tip for dating INTPs:

Don't.
Why so negative? INTPs are capable of good relationships. Our Fe, when it is developed, can be very sensitive to the needs of our partners. We can be witty, interesting, clever, and fun to be around. We are loyal. We can use our Ne to improve our relationship's future possibilities. In the right jobs, we can carry our weight financially. Many potential partners admire and are attracted to these traits.
 
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bonus if she is into trying to understand us
I have friends that understand me. She has friends that understand her. I don't think either my wife and I require understanding from the other.
 

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I have friends that understand me. She has friends that understand her. I don't think either my wife and I require understanding from the other.
I'm sorry for asking this in such a blunt way, but what is the point of a relationship to you if not to understand one another? Isn't that pretty much a key factor of being in a relationship?

I suppose you'd both be on the same page, and that works. But it's kind of a meaningless relationship then, isn't it? You make it sound as if you don't understand eachother at all and you each need your friends in order to vent certain frustrations.
 

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INTPs are pretty complicated. I have friends that are NTPs that implicitly understand me, but other types might not. My wife is an ESTJ. I don't understand what it is like to be Te dominant or her ties to society's norms, but I try to understand and respect our differences. We are learning how to connect with each other each day and I appreciate the growth that comes from being in a relationship with someone who is different, complementary, and sees things in very different ways.

However, needing someone to understand me puts a lot of burden on them. Communicating needs in a relationship is important, but beyond that, some things just aren't necessary. People do grow to understand each other in their own way.
 

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I have friends that understand me. She has friends that understand her. I don't think either my wife and I require understanding from the other.
seems odd to me that in a marriage, they would not want, or need to understand each other. that would feel like 2 robots as the couple, but, those robots are being controlled by 2 people that are not communicating.

curious, is she INTP as well?
 

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@dohmenick Although the robots you describe are a funny picture, did you read the post immediately preceding yours?
 
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@dohmenick Although the robots you describe are a funny picture, did you read the post immediately preceding yours?
thank you for pointing that out, i guess in my impulsiveness and thoughts, i missed that post.

it makes it clearer and i had to go have a look at the types match intp-estj, really interesting and I can relate much better now. as both are the types where one worries not, or close to not, of the others emotions via communication. interesting :)
 

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I feel misunderstood, and I want very much people to understand me. However, this expectation can cause me to be controlling and prevents others from loving me in their own terms. This is an attachment I want to be free from to be a more loving person.
 
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thank you for pointing that out, i guess in my impulsiveness and thoughts, i missed that post.

it makes it clearer and i had to go have a look at the types match intp-estj, really interesting and I can relate much better now. as both are the types where one worries not, or close to not, of the others emotions via communication. interesting :)
The type, xxTJ, has extroverted feeling pretty low in the cognitive function stack. Part of loving them is not allowing myself to burden them with my emotions or demanding that I am understood.

Our own introverted feeling is so low in our stacks; our emotions, motives, and morals can be poorly understood and controlled. This causes problems for other types. This is mitigated by our logic and our ability to plan ahead to prevent future breakdowns. We are kind of like the Vulcans in Star Trek. They can be extremely logical, but when they have Pon Farr, or another emotional breakdown, this can be damaging to everyone around them.
 
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I’ve been good friends with an INTP for about ten years. (I'm an INFJ.) We were super close in high school and we kissed a couple of times during our senior year, but never really discussed it. We drifted a bit during college, had other relationships, etc. Now, a few years out of college, we're closer than ever. We live in different states, but we message pretty regularly and have a many-hours-long catch-up call every month or so.

He is the best person I know. He is so sly and smart and funny and sweet and accepting of even the most absurd proposition. He always gets it. He always wants to dig in. We can talk for hours, the conversations are endlessly interesting, the connection is wild, there's so much mutual respect and admiration, etc.

About a year ago, I obliquely expressed romantic interest. We were talking about something dating related and I asked, “What if we dated?” (I regret my approach to this - I was just compelled to blurt something out.) He responded with “that’s definitely something I’ve thought about a lot” and then proceeded to tell me some reasons why it wouldn’t work right now (we live in different states; he doesn’t know where he’s going to end up after grad school; if we get together, he expects it'll move so quickly that we’ll end up living together right away and that's a lot). We talked through all of this and sort of left it at "we will revisit this if we wind up in the same region someday." He repeated several times that he was not rejecting me but I found this hard to accept emotionally.

I distanced myself for a couple of months because I felt wounded, but I got over it and we picked right back up pretty quickly. We've been in frequent contact ever since. This week, when we FaceTimed, I couldn't help but sense signs of interest. Lots of comments like "well obviously I have a really high opinion of you” and "keep going, I already know I'm going to agree with the qualification you’re about to make." Making self-deprecating jokes and grinning every time I laughed. Bringing up random details about my life that he must remember from years ago. He also told me he might be relocating to a city near where I work, asked, "Isn't that close to [your city]?" (they are two major cities; their proximity is obvious, lol) and said how great it would be if we were in the same region. And on and on and on.

So anyway. I am in love with him, but I don't know how to proceed. I'm very hesitant about saying anything since he shut me down last year. My inclination is just to wait out the pandemic, hope that he does end up successfully relocating, and see what happens, rather than try to make a move and risk him backing away. But I also don't want to miss my chance, and at this point I'm struggling to keep my feelings to myself. I would so appreciate any feedback from INTPs/people who love INTPs -- thanks everyone!
 

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I’ve been good friends with an INTP for about ten years. (I'm an INFJ.) We were super close in high school and we kissed a couple of times during our senior year, but never really discussed it. We drifted a bit during college, had other relationships, etc. Now, a few years out of college, we're closer than ever. We live in different states, but we message pretty regularly and have a many-hours-long catch-up call every month or so.

He is the best person I know. He is so sly and smart and funny and sweet and accepting of even the most absurd proposition. He always gets it. He always wants to dig in. We can talk for hours, the conversations are endlessly interesting, the connection is wild, there's so much mutual respect and admiration, etc.

About a year ago, I obliquely expressed romantic interest. We were talking about something dating related and I asked, “What if we dated?” (I regret my approach to this - I was just compelled to blurt something out.) He responded with “that’s definitely something I’ve thought about a lot” and then proceeded to tell me some reasons why it wouldn’t work right now (we live in different states; he doesn’t know where he’s going to end up after grad school; if we get together, he expects it'll move so quickly that we’ll end up living together right away and that's a lot). We talked through all of this and sort of left it at "we will revisit this if we wind up in the same region someday." He repeated several times that he was not rejecting me but I found this hard to accept emotionally.

I distanced myself for a couple of months because I felt wounded, but I got over it and we picked right back up pretty quickly. We've been in frequent contact ever since. This week, when we FaceTimed, I couldn't help but sense signs of interest. Lots of comments like "well obviously I have a really high opinion of you” and "keep going, I already know I'm going to agree with the qualification you’re about to make." Making self-deprecating jokes and grinning every time I laughed. Bringing up random details about my life that he must remember from years ago. He also told me he might be relocating to a city near where I work, asked, "Isn't that close to [your city]?" (they are two major cities; their proximity is obvious, lol) and said how great it would be if we were in the same region. And on and on and on.

So anyway. I am in love with him, but I don't know how to proceed. I'm very hesitant about saying anything since he shut me down last year. My inclination is just to wait out the pandemic, hope that he does end up successfully relocating, and see what happens, rather than try to make a move and risk him backing away. But I also don't want to miss my chance, and at this point I'm struggling to keep my feelings to myself. I would so appreciate any feedback from INTPs/people who love INTPs -- thanks everyone!
The fact you can consistently drift and rekindle like that is a very rare and wonderful thing. It's also a great sign of stability.

...why not just ask him if he wants to date you should he relocate to that city near where you work? He never actually rejected You, just the Long Distance format. You're killing three birds with one shot, you give him incentive, let your feelings out, and save him the stress of asking you, since he could be mulling it over too.

But, if the actual move won't happen within a year or two, I'd suggest shelving this whole thing for your own mental sake.
 

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Hello Everyone,

I am new here. I found this forum because I am confused about an INTP, and hopefully you can shed so light on the confusion. Here is the background. I met on INTP online, we agreed on no relationship. We connected and we had sex, and we continue to have communication via text. We agreed that a FWB would be okay, and we are not exclusive. We have sex a few more times. Still communicating via text. The texting has been maybe from once a day, to a few times a week, just random and not extensive amount. Things has been lay back, and this has been going on for about 7 months. Since the CoVid 19 we been texting to each other once a day. All of a sudden no text back after a few texts to him and it's been a week. I am confused. I haven't done anything nor have I ask for more than what was agreed. I am not sure what happen. I did say, "If I knew what I knew now I would have hugged him longer since last time I saw him was early January". I will admit I like him, but I understand our agreement. The only thing I have done is try to be his friend, the sex part was secondary. I give him space, and I am respectful. My last text was just to check up on him because I was concern, since he lived by himself, I know he was worried about his business and isolated because of the social distance thing. I had a person whom I knew just killed themselves just this last weekend due to depression and isolation. I didn't share that part with my INTP. I just want to make sure he was okay. Sometimes I get a feeling that he is stressed and depressed. I really do care about him, but he never text me back to let me know if he was okay. I just don't get it. (PS sorry about the grammar and spelling)
 

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Hello Everyone,
I met on INTP online, we agreed on no relationship. We connected and we had sex, and we continue to have communication via text. We agreed that a FWB would be okay, and we are not exclusive. We have sex a few more times. Still communicating via text.




The texting has been maybe from once a day, to a few times a week, just random and not extensive amount. Things has been lay back, and this has been going on for about 7 months. Since the CoVid 19 we been texting to each other once a day. All of a sudden no text back after a few texts to him and it's been a week. I am confused. I haven't done anything nor have I ask for more than what was agreed. I am not sure what happen. I did say, "If I knew what I knew now I would have hugged him longer since last time I saw him was early January". I will admit I like him, but I understand our agreement. The only thing I have done is try to be his friend, the sex part was secondary. I give him space, and I am respectful. My last text was just to check up on him because I was concern, since he lived by himself, I know he was worried about his business and isolated because of the social distance thing. I had a person whom I knew just killed themselves just this last weekend due to depression and isolation. I didn't share that part with my INTP. I just want to make sure he was okay. Sometimes I get a feeling that he is stressed and depressed. I really do care about him, but he never text me back to let me know if he was okay. I just don't get it. (PS sorry about the grammar and spelling)
You sound super attached to him, way beyond what's normal for a friend. Clingy even.
Still there's not enough context for me to know what it could be. Maybe he's sick, maybe he picked up on the neediness and it put him off, maybe he just needs the distance .

Whatever the reason, he doesn't wanna talk,so do something about your excess attachment in the meantime before it bites you in the ass.
 

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I’ve been good friends with an INTP for about ten years. (I'm an INFJ.) We were super close in high school and we kissed a couple of times during our senior year, but never really discussed it. We drifted a bit during college, had other relationships, etc. Now, a few years out of college, we're closer than ever. We live in different states, but we message pretty regularly and have a many-hours-long catch-up call every month or so.

He is the best person I know. He is so sly and smart and funny and sweet and accepting of even the most absurd proposition. He always gets it. He always wants to dig in. We can talk for hours, the conversations are endlessly interesting, the connection is wild, there's so much mutual respect and admiration, etc.

About a year ago, I obliquely expressed romantic interest. We were talking about something dating related and I asked, “What if we dated?” (I regret my approach to this - I was just compelled to blurt something out.) He responded with “that’s definitely something I’ve thought about a lot” and then proceeded to tell me some reasons why it wouldn’t work right now (we live in different states; he doesn’t know where he’s going to end up after grad school; if we get together, he expects it'll move so quickly that we’ll end up living together right away and that's a lot). We talked through all of this and sort of left it at "we will revisit this if we wind up in the same region someday." He repeated several times that he was not rejecting me but I found this hard to accept emotionally.

I distanced myself for a couple of months because I felt wounded, but I got over it and we picked right back up pretty quickly. We've been in frequent contact ever since. This week, when we FaceTimed, I couldn't help but sense signs of interest. Lots of comments like "well obviously I have a really high opinion of you” and "keep going, I already know I'm going to agree with the qualification you’re about to make." Making self-deprecating jokes and grinning every time I laughed. Bringing up random details about my life that he must remember from years ago. He also told me he might be relocating to a city near where I work, asked, "Isn't that close to [your city]?" (they are two major cities; their proximity is obvious, lol) and said how great it would be if we were in the same region. And on and on and on.

So anyway. I am in love with him, but I don't know how to proceed. I'm very hesitant about saying anything since he shut me down last year. My inclination is just to wait out the pandemic, hope that he does end up successfully relocating, and see what happens, rather than try to make a move and risk him backing away. But I also don't want to miss my chance, and at this point I'm struggling to keep my feelings to myself. I would so appreciate any feedback from INTPs/people who love INTPs -- thanks everyone!
In my opinion as INTP, he should have criteria or condition to build a serious relationship with someone as we have to keep our inner world run well but also commit. I think you should ask him that but not in pressure way, just ask his honest feel, from the basic question, does he love you and continue to the perfect condition that he thinks. If thats clear and the problem is only location, is it possible if you move to his city and live together at there? Goodluck 🙂
 
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