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Like most INTPs, my boyfriend has a tendency to go through times of extreme introversion, where he doesn't like to call, chat, text, etc. We're in a long distance relationship, so you see the dilemma. While I'm usually calm and patient with this, I am prone to relationship anxiety, and will sometimes start doubting things due to his lack of affectionate expression.

Last night this led to mild irritation of both parties. Now, as compromise, he'll call me on skype, let it ring once, and then hang up. His way of letting me know he's thinking about me, without actually having to talk.

This is so typically INTP that I decided to post it.

Compromise, bitchezzz.
 

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Like most INTPs, my boyfriend has a tendency to go through times of extreme introversion, where he doesn't like to call, chat, text, etc. We're in a long distance relationship, so you see the dilemma. While I'm usually calm and patient with this, I am prone to relationship anxiety, and will sometimes start doubting things due to his lack of affectionate expression.

Last night this led to mild irritation of both parties. Now, as compromise, he'll call me on skype, let it ring once, and then hang up. His way of letting me know he's thinking about me, without actually having to talk.

This is so typically INTP that I decided to post it.

Compromise, bitchezzz.
Was he at least bottomless when he let it ring once?
 

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Bottomless, topless, nothing but socks, cowboy hat... I'm sure I'll get all the details once he comes back around. A little mystery's good for the soul, no?
I dunno, sounds like you got the short end of the stick. You know right now he's rigging up this thing to do the dialing for him too.
dippy-bird1.jpg
 

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Like most INTPs, my boyfriend has a tendency to go through times of extreme introversion, where he doesn't like to call, chat, text, etc. We're in a long distance relationship, so you see the dilemma. While I'm usually calm and patient with this, I am prone to relationship anxiety, and will sometimes start doubting things due to his lack of affectionate expression.

Last night this led to mild irritation of both parties. Now, as compromise, he'll call me on skype, let it ring once, and then hang up. His way of letting me know he's thinking about me, without actually having to talk.

This is so typically INTP that I decided to post it.

Compromise, bitchezzz.
There is just too much awesome in this post.
 

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There is just too much awesome in this post.
Wha? I mean, I thought it was a good idea, but I didn't expect the INTPs to react with this much enthusiasm. Nice surprise, though.

Apparently I've done something right. Ha.

While we're on the topic, what's the best way of knowing when an INTP is coming out of his "recharging period" and has decided to be part of this world again? Should I ask him, or just wait for him to let me know?
 

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Wha? I mean, I thought it was a good idea, but I didn't expect the INTPs to react with this much enthusiasm. Nice surprise, though.

Apparently I've done something right. Ha.

While we're on the topic, what's the best way of knowing when an INTP is coming out of his "recharging period" and has decided to be part of this world again? Should I ask him, or just wait for him to let me know?
It was just so awesome because you accepted the eccentric skype call as a form of communication. Thats too cool.

I wouldn't know because I don't have a recharge time. I'm not like an INTP in that respect.
 

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It was just so awesome because you accepted the eccentric skype call as a form of communication. Thats too cool.

I wouldn't know because I don't have a recharge time. I'm not like an INTP in that respect.
Yeah, well, I initially assumed it was an accident. Then I realized the likelihood of him accidentally skype-calling me was pretty slim. Weird communication ftw.

You all are different, I suppose. :tongue: Ah, well, maybe another friendly INTP will come along the way and answer my question. Hint hint, guys.
 

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So I got to re-live scenarios in my head today.

Backstory: Prior to meeting my ISFP, I was talking to a couple girls within a short period of time.
A club girl, a gal I knew for a long time from school, and another girl who I knew through my cousin. (In addition to the ISFP of course).

Anyhow the club girl and I had nothing in common (she was arguably the best looking of the bunch though lol).
The gal I knew from school for a long time wasn't really my type physically (she was a fix me upper - yes I sound like a douche - whatevs)
The gal I knew from my cousin and my ISFP were the finalists.

I knew the gal through my cousin for much longer.
We hung around each other for a long time here and there.
Frankly I had a bit of crush on her for a long time.

What happened is we started messing around and she was a pretty innocent gal, at the time, lol.
Long story short, she ended up leaving for law school and we faded out of contact.
I was pretty sad but glad that she was doing something for herself.

I was friends with the ISFP but I didn't actually go on a date with her until after the other girl left.
The ISFP and I were for better lack of term - hooking up while I was fading out of contact with the other gal, until one day I didn't talk to her again.

Fast forward 8 years and here the lawyer and I are: friends on facebook.
When my ISFP and I went to shit for a bit, I couldn't help but wonder what would have happened if the other gal and I had worked out. I told myself, she's a lawyer you're a chiro...... that's pretty hot right?

But I didn't really want to talk to the lawyer because I wasn't firm on being with/without my ISFP for a bit. So it was very generic talking.

Out of the blue the lawyer starts asking me a bunch of questions about my job and stuff.
Turns out she was in a car accident and now she wants to know if I'd like to take her case.
It's money in my pocket and she's a lawyer and a friend so I trust her, we didn't stop talking on bad terms and we've chatted on fb for a bit.

So I said sure I think I can take her case. But we should meet up because I am not too sure what she's looking for (long story) in terms of the case. So she says lets meet up at her apartment.

A part of me is like, whoa lol. Last time I was at her apartment we were uh..having fun.
And the last time I saw her was 8 years ago and it ended with a pretty intense-goodbye kiss... this is a little weird.

But I said no, no... put your professional hat on. That was like a decade ago almost lol. And she does need your help and you'll give her honest care that someone else might not.

When I saw her I was like aww.
However when we hung out, after a while I got to see the real reason I didn't think we'd work out way back then.

She's a total pot head LOL. And she has a terrible diet (she's really thin though).
So in essence she's totally not into a great diet, she smokes pot and cigs.
And now I am starting to see her age a bit because of it, she's still cute and stuff....
But whereas we looked the same age before, she looks older than me now (IMO).

We chatted a bit and it turns out she had a totally crappy relationship.
I could tell she was scarred from it, by the tone and the way she talked about it.
I got the sense that she was letting me know she was available because she indirectly mentioned that she wasn't seeing anyone.. she went so far as to bring this guy over (who I thought was her bf) and then she basically said people always think we're dating but we're just good friends (to state that they weren't an item). There is the possibility of course that she was using me as leverage to persuade him to make a move too, I dunno.

I was just totally imagining how we'd have turned out the whole time.... and it's nice to realize what I forgotten feeling way back then.

I made the right decision lol. My ISFP isn't a lawyer but we have a lot more in common.
It goes beyond careers and even personality types we're just more compatible.

Today was a good day because it reiterated my thoughts that the ISFP was the best choice regardless of who left or stayed years ago. And I was happy that I kept it professional with the lawyer despite picking up on a bit of a "hey you know I'm single" vibe.
 

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I would rather be alone than deal with having someone rely on me for support. (Emotional, financial, etc.) I don't know if it's my natural INTP-like feeling of impending failure in that I won't be able to provide for them, (especially when it comes to emotions) or the fact that I need to remain mentally undisturbed and do not like to leave my "brain-sanctuary" in order to satisfy my partner.
(Most likely the latter.)
The more social interaction I have, the more depressed I become, but sometimes I still need affirmation, appreciation, and cuddle time. I just can't handle the constant maintenance a relationship requires.

Any other INTPs have this problem? How do you deal with it? Should I just start dating NT's? They're sexier anyway.
 
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I would rather be alone than deal with having someone rely on me for support. (Emotional, financial, etc.) I don't know if it's my natural INTP-like feeling of impending failure in that I won't be able to provide for them, (especially when it comes to emotions) or the fact that I need to remain mentally undisturbed and do not like to leave my "brain-sanctuary" in order to satisfy my partner.
(Most likely the latter.)
The more social interaction I have, the more depressed I become, but sometimes I still need affirmation, appreciation, and cuddle time. I just can't handle the constant maintenance a relationship requires.

Any other INTPs have this problem? How do you deal with it? Should I just start dating NT's? They're sexier anyway.
I've come to think of viable relationships as a mutual, mostly balanced, voluntary but not forced relation of giving and taking.

- You need support sometimes. A pick-me-up, a partner to bust your arse outta bed on a bad day, someone to regularly talk to, share secrets with. Spouse or buddy, as long as they're some sort of trustworthy constant in your life, they should 'do the trick' of providing you with some necessary grounding.

- It feels nice to be needed, wanted in a way, to be trusted by someone, appreciated. If you can find someone who you know will be fine on their own (once over possible heartache, or no such thing needed), it'll be easier to not feel like they're being 'clingy'. You want someone who wants you because you bring that extra touch to their lives, not because they're entirely dependant on you and will go to pieces if you're not there. A relationship shouldn't be upheld because of *guilt tripping*, obviously.

- Now, evidently, if you want to be with someone, you'll have to mind them at times, and you'll appreciate it if they mind you sometimes, too. To be tolerated, forgiven, to find it in yourself to 'make that extra little effort' to not just sit and grumble behind their backs but to try and genuinely let go of their flaws, or to work out solutions for less petty crimes against your good sense or comfort zone.

Basically, a good relationship to me means to commit to a trade, one neither of you is forced to make, but chooses to make, because of the benefits you both reap, emotionally, physiologically (cuddling is healthy, dammit), security-wise, motivationally etc.
The special part being that you can't hope to just pluck someone out of a bar and expect them to be able to fill these shoes willingly. Finding someone you can admire for their strengths and love despite their flaws, who will also voluntarily think of YOU as a good thing in their life is pretty tricky I suppose.


I do have to say this has so far worked out best for me with xNTPs :B They're easier for me to connect to, care about what they think, what they have to say, and apparently that works in reverse as well. Expectations run mostly parallel, communication (big factor in a relationship) flows more smoothly if you talk the same NT language...

I think another big factor is to try to avoid making yourself financially dependent on someone. Okay, at some point in a relationship you'll have to invest together, but to claim that 'keeping the escape door open' means you're not committed just... doesn't work out. I find I cannot really be with someone psychologically if I'm forced to. Like a cat, if I stay, it's because I want to be there, not because I can't persist without a person. Force a cat to be on your lap, and you won't last a minute with'er.

Also, psychological independence based on material/financial independence is very healthy to have in long term relationships. It keeps you free to go and be out there, to do your own thing without feeling like disapproval will go hand in hand with the other half leashing you for your insolence, to keep power balanced, and it allows people to remain distant enough, yo-yoing slightly around the balance point rather than smushed together, just enough to remain interesting and fresh.
 

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I've come to think of viable relationships as a mutual, mostly balanced, voluntary but not forced relation of giving and taking.

- You need support sometimes. A pick-me-up, a partner to bust your arse outta bed on a bad day, someone to regularly talk to, share secrets with. Spouse or buddy, as long as they're some sort of trustworthy constant in your life, they should 'do the trick' of providing you with some necessary grounding.

- It feels nice to be needed, wanted in a way, to be trusted by someone, appreciated. If you can find someone who you know will be fine on their own (once over possible heartache, or no such thing needed), it'll be easier to not feel like they're being 'clingy'. You want someone who wants you because you bring that extra touch to their lives, not because they're entirely dependant on you and will go to pieces if you're not there. A relationship shouldn't be upheld because of *guilt tripping*, obviously.

- Now, evidently, if you want to be with someone, you'll have to mind them at times, and you'll appreciate it if they mind you sometimes, too. To be tolerated, forgiven, to find it in yourself to 'make that extra little effort' to not just sit and grumble behind their backs but to try and genuinely let go of their flaws, or to work out solutions for less petty crimes against your good sense or comfort zone.

Basically, a good relationship to me means to commit to a trade, one neither of you is forced to make, but chooses to make, because of the benefits you both reap, emotionally, physiologically (cuddling is healthy, dammit), security-wise, motivationally etc.
The special part being that you can't hope to just pluck someone out of a bar and expect them to be able to fill these shoes willingly. Finding someone you can admire for their strengths and love despite their flaws, who will also voluntarily think of YOU as a good thing in their life is pretty tricky I suppose.


I do have to say this has so far worked out best for me with xNTPs :B They're easier for me to connect to, care about what they think, what they have to say, and apparently that works in reverse as well. Expectations run mostly parallel, communication (big factor in a relationship) flows more smoothly if you talk the same NT language...
Hm, I see. I just feel it's hypocritical when I become upset over not being appreciated and affirmed in a relationship when I am unable to give it back. Perhaps an xNTP would be able to deal with me the easiest, but I wonder if I'd be able to handle dealing with then xNTP myself. I wonder if an xSFJ would be more my type? (Perhaps I'm generalizing xSFJs in their "ability" to give without needing to be appreciated for it.)

It just seems so selfish.
 

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Hm, I see. I just feel it's hypocritical when I become upset over not being appreciated and affirmed in a relationship when I am unable to give it back. Perhaps an xNTP would be able to deal with me the easiest, but I wonder if I'd be able to handle dealing with then xNTP myself. I wonder if an xSFJ would be more my type? (Perhaps I'm generalizing xSFJs in their "ability" to give without needing to be appreciated for it.)

It just seems so selfish.
It is,
but maybe you've just never met someone you can really appreciate for who they are, entirely, and still remain genuinely curious about what goes on in that mind, and be surprised by them when for all their familiarity, they're still different from you, when you wished you were a little bit more like them without feeling intimidated or envious, when you actually feel bad for them when something bad happens to them, when you'd rip someone's face off if they ever were a douche to them...

It's hard to imagine when you've never really felt a thing like that. For me it all comes through the mind first. Stimulating conversation, imagination, the surprise and wonder of a mind not your own that you still connect to...
But it's definitely possible xD

Mind, there are times aplenty when I get sort of annoyed, a little bit, over my own INTP's lack of initiative sometimes, and how he's less rant-communicationy than me when I'd like him to express more, but on the flipside, he's wonderfully creative and patient and forgiving and sensible and intelligent and TALL AS HELL it's cute, and best of all: he really, seriously likes me back and I don't even have the faintest clue what I did to deserve it.


Also, keep in mind: other types give what they have, what they're good with. Expectations and needs may clash.
xSFJs may lack the ability to naturally communicate on your level of abstraction, they might fall for all kinds of emotional 'reasoning' on bad days, get uppity about things you never even realised could be an issue in a million years...

But hey, when you can like a person well enough that their flaws are tolerable and their good sides make you glow with pride a little, when they truly bring out the best kinds of goodwill and trust in you, why would it not work? They don't have to be 'like you' for it to work, you can only expect the differences to perhaps be a little starker and impinge on your comfort zone a bit much. On the other hand, you might not have to see your own flaws mirrorred in them to the point of getting sick of them even more XD

Note the third: People who just keep on giving and giving and giving can be burdened with their own issues. They might not guilt you over it, but they might break at some point, or just suffer quietly until they drift away.
INFJ friend of mine is still convinced that people cannot like her unless she gives them more than she receives, and every droplet of attention is like sweet ambrosia to her. She's a very insecure, envious, quite bitter person otherwise, and I'm trying to teach her some perspectives so she won't end up like the same old 'the world sucks and people are horrible and everything is bad and I never got my dues' embittered grandma that she has.

It's funny how our grandmothers, sisters, mirror her and me as cousins two generations further down the line... Hers always worked her arse off only to complain behind everyone's back for some attention, martyrdom much, and then my own grandmother who goes fuck-what-people-think, and just makes her life work out guilt-free.

TANGENTS
I HAS THEM.
 

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Yeah, well, I initially assumed it was an accident. Then I realized the likelihood of him accidentally skype-calling me was pretty slim. Weird communication ftw.

You all are different, I suppose. :tongue: Ah, well, maybe another friendly INTP will come along the way and answer my question. Hint hint, guys.
Totally missed this from the other day. I've gone months sometimes in semi-hibernation, but not if I was actually dating someone. And it had nothing to do with needing to recharge. If I really needed time to recharge it would maybe just take me a day or two at most. If it's been a long time and you're not really getting any signs of life and it's an LDR, not sure what's in it for you to be honest? Like I said before, it sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick, no?
 

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It is,
but maybe you've just never met someone you can really appreciate for who they are, entirely, and still remain genuinely curious about what goes on in that mind, and be surprised by them when for all their familiarity, they're still different from you, when you wished you were a little bit more like them without feeling intimidated or envious, when you actually feel bad for them when something bad happens to them, when you'd rip someone's face off if they ever were a douche to them...

It's hard to imagine when you've never really felt a thing like that. For me it all comes through the mind first. Stimulating conversation, imagination, the surprise and wonder of a mind not your own that you still connect to...
But it's definitely possible xD

Mind, there are times aplenty when I get sort of annoyed, a little bit, over my own INTP's lack of initiative sometimes, and how he's less rant-communicationy than me when I'd like him to express more, but on the flipside, he's wonderfully creative and patient and forgiving and sensible and intelligent and TALL AS HELL it's cute, and best of all: he really, seriously likes me back and I don't even have the faintest clue what I did to deserve it.


Also, keep in mind: other types give what they have, what they're good with. Expectations and needs may clash.
xSFJs may lack the ability to naturally communicate on your level of abstraction, they might fall for all kinds of emotional 'reasoning' on bad days, get uppity about things you never even realised could be an issue in a million years...

But hey, when you can like a person well enough that their flaws are tolerable and their good sides make you glow with pride a little, when they truly bring out the best kinds of goodwill and trust in you, why would it not work? They don't have to be 'like you' for it to work, you can only expect the differences to perhaps be a little starker and impinge on your comfort zone a bit much. On the other hand, you might not have to see your own flaws mirrorred in them to the point of getting sick of them even more XD

Note the third: People who just keep on giving and giving and giving can be burdened with their own issues. They might not guilt you over it, but they might break at some point, or just suffer quietly until they drift away.
INFJ friend of mine is still convinced that people cannot like her unless she gives them more than she receives, and every droplet of attention is like sweet ambrosia to her. She's a very insecure, envious, quite bitter person otherwise, and I'm trying to teach her some perspectives so she won't end up like the same old 'the world sucks and people are horrible and everything is bad and I never got my dues' embittered grandma that she has.

It's funny how our grandmothers, sisters, mirror her and me as cousins two generations further down the line... Hers always worked her arse off only to complain behind everyone's back for some attention, martyrdom much, and then my own grandmother who goes fuck-what-people-think, and just makes her life work out guilt-free.

TANGENTS
I HAS THEM.
Maybe I just need to go out and “try new people.” I need to take the initiative in understanding other people than simply expecting them to get me. Maybe dealing with the depression it brings will help me understand and deal with it.

My ESTP mom went through a very depressive state for several weeks when my INTJ father and I didn't give her the appreciation she wanted. My dad and I had no idea how to respond and ended up getting mad at her for how "irrational" she was being. When we finally did understand we just sort of ignored the conflict and waited for it to pass by. Which eventually it did, but my mom still becomes upset by both our condescending and negative nature. We actually had a talk and she was telling me about how we make her feel utterly worthless to which the only thing (and the wrong thing) I knew to reply with was how it was her own fault because we never asked for anything. It was my way of trying to tell her to stop trying so hard for the praise because we don’t know how to give it and we don’t mind fending for ourselves. (Although sometimes we do need to be spoon fed.)
ST-NT communication seems to be damn near impossible without a heated argument/emotional blow out based solely on misunderstanding. Plus they always seem to know the most painful things to say to each other.

INTPs should be referred to as tangents. IMO
 

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Totally missed this from the other day. I've gone months sometimes in semi-hibernation, but not if I was actually dating someone. And it had nothing to do with needing to recharge. If I really needed time to recharge it would maybe just take me a day or two at most. If it's been a long time and you're not really getting any signs of life and it's an LDR, not sure what's in it for you to be honest? Like I said before, it sounds like you're getting the short end of the stick, no?
It's been about two months, now. He's good about wanting to hang out when I'm in town, which is like once a month. Although there's no guarantee that this isn't just for sex. :rolleyes: He's a pretty good guy, overall and we did have a pretty lengthy skype conversation on Valentine's day. We also officially changed our facebook relationship statuses that day.

He says he does it to recharge (which amuses me that he explained it that way, because he's got no interest in mbti). While yeah, I am getting the short end of the stick in some ways, I still like him a lot, so I guess I'll be patient for now. I'd feel shitty dumping him for something he can't help, when we could compromise.

tl;dr Thanks for the tip. Ha.
 
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