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Since the ESTJ forum is so inactive, I was wondering if you guys could help me sort this out.

I recently starting dating an ESTJ, but we've been friends for a long time so I know her pretty well. She represses as much as I do (which, in case you don't know, is typical of my type). I've been a little concerned as of late because she has seemed extremely unhappy. On top of that she's tired all the time and she told me her grades have dropped a little. And she like never eats but I'm not sure if that's a recent thing or not.

Most importantly, I would like to ask you all how exactly I should go about bringing this up in a way that doesn't seem insulting to her. Maybe I'm just worrying too much but...I'm just concerned. Damn these primary thinking functions.
 

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Do you guys tend to increase your use of Fe in relationships?
Yes - a LOT. I'm way more outwardly friendly to strangers, joke around with waiters more, and smile a lot. It's almost like I have all this extra energy and don't know what to do with it. It's like I "upgrade" to ENTP status.
It decreases over time though, eventually.
 

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Do you guys tend to increase your use of Fe in relationships?
Agreed with the other answers, so yes, I think we totally do. If you like someone and you care, that's Fe right there. It brings a new dimension to your life.

Sure, personally I sort of yo-yo a little from super fluffy and mushy to 'okay I'm not feeling it right now' and back, but that's just how it goes, and I don't assume that feeling either way means it's impossible for the pendulum to swing back xD
Fe happens, and then we just learn to give it its place in our lives and accept that it's a bit of an unruly fucker.
 

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weirdly, i don't necessarily think my Fe is activated in relationships. i tend to carry on (nearly) as usual, navigating mostly through the lens of Ne and even Ni to a lesser degree. i can often become cutesy or silly, but in more of a meep meep liz lemon Ne way than an affectionate way. which i'm sure makes oceans of sense.

which reminds me of something entirely unrelated. where my Fe always appears is when i'm sick. i think it arises from the fact that i'm slightly hypochondriacal and tend to be convinced i'm dying or at least tending toward paraplegia. production of snarky bitchery ceases and i suddenly, as though by magical unicorn breath, become warm, fuzzy and affectionate.
 

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I'm interested in a guy I knew in high school who now goes to my college. I believe he is most likely an INTP. We don't share any classes, and our communication is currently restricted to Facebook. However, I would like to ask him out in a way that feels casual and as comfortable to him as possible.

I would appreciate it if any of you had any suggestions as to the best way to go about this. What kind of date would you like to be asked on? How would you like to be approached?

Thank you!
 

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I'm interested in a guy I knew in high school who now goes to my college. I believe he is most likely an INTP. We don't share any classes, and our communication is currently restricted to Facebook. However, I would like to ask him out in a way that feels casual and as comfortable to him as possible.

I would appreciate it if any of you had any suggestions as to the best way to go about this. What kind of date would you like to be asked on? How would you like to be approached?

Thank you!
I would need some very obvious signs that someone is interested in me, Otherwise I know by experience that I wouldn't be able to notice it, or only later, and still have doubts that block me from getting further into the relationship. Besides, feeling that someone is trying to get very involved in my life too brutally and suddenly would most likely trouble me and make me try to take some distance due to a feeling of incapability to handle social interaction beyond what I'm used to (maybe because I haven't had a relationship yet)

So to answer your two questions, I would prefer being approached in a progressive and comforting way, with obvious and growing clues of interest at some point, and to some kind of date that could breed interesting topics of conversation. Like an art exhibition, or at least any quiet place.

But this only applies to me, and I'm not quite sure about it. Just thinking.
 

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I'm interested in a guy I knew in high school who now goes to my college. I believe he is most likely an INTP. We don't share any classes, and our communication is currently restricted to Facebook. However, I would like to ask him out in a way that feels casual and as comfortable to him as possible.

I would appreciate it if any of you had any suggestions as to the best way to go about this. What kind of date would you like to be asked on? How would you like to be approached?

Thank you!
What level of interest do you think he may have? Did you hang out in high school or chat much then? I'm assuming how you're talking about his comfort level that he is the shy sort?
You could just do something very simple by saying you're going to be around his part of campus after class and ask if he wants to grab lunch or something like that. It doesn't even have to be an activity. If it goes well hopefully the communication steps up from there. A lot of guys prefer to do the asking, but if he can tell that you're interested this could give him the idea to make the next move assuming he is also interested.
Personally if I'm asked out, I'm usually not interested because I've already considered the people I know as possibilities. It may not be the case with him though.
 

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What level of interest do you think he may have? Did you hang out in high school or chat much then? I'm assuming how you're talking about his comfort level that he is the shy sort?
You could just do something very simple by saying you're going to be around his part of campus after class and ask if he wants to grab lunch or something like that. It doesn't even have to be an activity. If it goes well hopefully the communication steps up from there. A lot of guys prefer to do the asking, but if he can tell that you're interested this could give him the idea to make the next move assuming he is also interested.
Personally if I'm asked out, I'm usually not interested because I've already considered the people I know as possibilities. It may not be the case with him though.
We had several classes together and share a mutual, very close friend. We never hung out outside of school. I hadn't seen him for a couple of years since graduation, but then I randomly ran into him on campus last year. He texted our mutual friend later that day and said that I'd gotten "really hot," and according to this friend, he's always thought I was "cool."

I recently initiated contact with him on Facebook. I posted on his wall and asked what he'd been doing. I know I'll have to make the first move, whether he likes me or could like me or not. He's not very forward with girls and mostly keeps to himself.
 

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We had several classes together and share a mutual, very close friend. We never hung out outside of school. I hadn't seen him for a couple of years since graduation, but then I randomly ran into him on campus last year. He texted our mutual friend later that day and said that I'd gotten "really hot," and according to this friend, he's always thought I was "cool."

I recently initiated contact with him on Facebook. I posted on his wall and asked what he'd been doing. I know I'll have to make the first move, whether he likes me or could like me or not. He's not very forward with girls and mostly keeps to himself.
Pfft - you're home free then. The event won't matter too much other than waiting out his shyness. Some sort of on campus event like a play or aforementioned art show, lunch etc. Or get him all liquored up :)
Congrats on getting really hot.
 

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I would need some very obvious signs that someone is interested in me, Otherwise I know by experience that I wouldn't be able to notice it, or only later, and still have doubts that block me from getting further into the relationship. Besides, feeling that someone is trying to get very involved in my life too brutally and suddenly would most likely trouble me and make me try to take some distance due to a feeling of incapability to handle social interaction beyond what I'm used to (maybe because I haven't had a relationship yet)

So to answer your two questions, I would prefer being approached in a progressive and comforting way, with obvious and growing clues of interest at some point, and to some kind of date that could breed interesting topics of conversation. Like an art exhibition, or at least any quiet place.

But this only applies to me, and I'm not quite sure about it. Just thinking.
I think that would be true for most INTPs.
 

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Hi. I am new here. I am in my mid twenties and just experienced "being in love" for the first time.
I was shocked to find out that I could have feelings that have nothing to do with
thoughts. Complete loss of rationality. What got me to finally believe this is the constant Ti-Fi-Ti-Fi...
loop. Over a period of one month, I asked this girl out, got a "I am currently concentrating on my
career and am not willing to make any emotional commitments at this time, please move on" reply.
Typically when I see someone physically attractive, it tends to fade out slowly because the girl is not
anywhere close to me mentally. This is the first one which simply refused to go away. My Ti is not
decided on her because she is very strongly ISTJ and my feelings went berserk on me. I wouldnt
have asked her out if I werent "in the grip". This is someone I have met on and off in a group setting
and havent been able to personally connect with, which was driving me mad because of the lack of
uncorrupted data. Now my feeling are slowly letting go and my Ti is telling me "she is just not that into
you, else she would have bent her rules". This is the most incredibly sad thing that has ever happened
to me and I want to figure out how I can learn from this. I have lots of questions if anyone is interested
in listening.
Pursuing actively is not an option at all since I am only able to meet people midway. But what I am confused about is whether to close the door permanently. You see, the irrational emotion part ("infatuation") is gone, but some of the reasons for wanting a long term relationship with this person (common values, attractive, smart, sensible, dependable and other qualities that I value) still remain. Part of me feels guilty for pushing too far too soon because of "the grip", may be things would have gone differently if I had taken things slowly? Part of all this is of course my central fear "no will ever understand me". Since she is being evasive, it is not clear to me whether she just doesnt like me enough or has personal issues with commitment that she is working through. How difficult is it for an INTP to leave things open for a while (i.e. leave her alone but also leave open the possibility if she makes an effort to connect with you)? Is it true that what will not kill me will make me stronger? I realize I am overanalyzing, but it is what we do :).
There is also the general question of sensor vs intuitive.
With two NTs there is easy communication, but how are the prospects for long term growth as opposed to pairing with someone who can show me how to get more organised, make small talk (I dread this! but it seems to be a necessary skill) etc. ISTJ seem to be black and white people who reach decisions quickly, unlike us who take lots of time and even then it may be possible to change our minds. This creates a lot of frustration in communication. Should I give up on all strong sensors? What kind of person is worthy of my personal investment?
I agree with what Graficcha wrote.

Also, keep in mind you're not thinking as clearly as usual. Remind yourself that those are your feelings in your head, but that girl is not part of it. I think the calmer you manage to be about it, the better for you. You should decide if it's better for you to avoid her or rather keep a necessary distance, but enjoy her company. You may be able to do the latter or not.

Of course there is always a possibility that she changes her mind, but that's not something to count on - as Graficcha said, that would be a new start, not continuation.

My impressions about such situations:

- As an INTP I'd hate to impose myself on somebody. I realise that in many cases it may work against me, but nonetheless... you can't have a cake and eat it. Sometimes you have to choose and I think for us natural thing is to not impose and risk missing a chance than to impose. Also, note that our culture promote the other option (try, try, try harder, don't give up) but it doesn't mean it's the best option. Just as well, if not more likely, trying harder in such situations may mean making things worse.
It may have it's downsides to be quietly tactful, but also advantages, in long run people usually appreciate such INTPs qualities, and if they don't - their loss.

-I'm not even sure how long my feelings can linger. My attractions usually build up slowly and pass very quickly. I wonder if such unrequited feelings are hard for us because the feeling must die out on its own, or is it because of disappointment and rejection. I'm suspicious about myself :D I try not to indulge in such feelings. And again as in the previous point: it's not like people in such situation owe me their feelings.
For those reasons I also don't rely on 'keeping the doors open', usually after time passes and that person changes their feelings about me, I'm not attracted to them any more... Maybe because the hormonal reaction passed away, maybe because I'm vain and don't take rejection as lightly as I imagine ;D Whatever, the conclusion for me is not to rely on future possibilities.

-Overanalyzing 'what if', 'I should have' - nope, we couldn't have. As INTPs we're good at considering various possibilities, but in some situations it's dangerous, mostly about past and regrets.


What kind of person is worthy of my personal investment?

The one which makes you feel better and improves your life.
I don't think there are strict rules for a personality type, because always healthier, kind people of any type will be better than unhealthy, selfish people of any type.
 

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Im a INTP girl having a ENTJ dad and i came to a conclusion that i will never date a ENTJ. to me ENTJ are too controlling, my dad never let me have my say and he always thinks he is right. when he give me a chance to voice out, it just mean he want to prove me wrong and change my way of living and thinking like his. that never work anyway. my mum is a ESFP. poor mum because she is living with 3 NT, me my bro and my dad so she always lost in debate and nvr understand our way of thinking. she always give in to my dad, for us because she want to avoid quarrels. my ENTJ dad assume that he knows abt me (no he doesn LOL) and even thought that i dun understand myself? He always have problem admitting his mistake and always use other ways to show that he is sorry like giving u lots of money, which i rather he let me have my say and acknowledge my way of living. Im a INTP that want alot of freedom and emotional support, but ENTJ will onli give me emotional support. i believe ENTJ will wan alot of freedom too but he will control u and u are not allowed to control him. ENTJ want to be the boss of the relationship.
 

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So my ISFP is coming back home this weekend.
Shit's about to get real.
Excited and kinda nervous cause that means I got to get going with work.
 
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