Personality Cafe banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
97 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have a few question for the ESTJs.

1) is a close connection with a best friend important to you? if yes or no, why?
2) if you feel that there's this connection between you and this best friend, and all of the sudden, the two of you haven't been seeing each other or contacting each other much, how would you feel? would you let that person know how you feel or would you have a hard time explaining how you would feel emotionally? What would you do in this situation? Would you fix the problem? If you have anymore to add, feel free to add! Thank you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
Well that is a very interesting question. Thank you for asking.

Connections are important, yes. For me family is the most important because I know that no matter what they're going to be there. Friendships are a little different. It depends on how you use the word close. I love having a lot of friends. I love having good friends. I would say however, that there are very few people in my life who I share emotional stuff with. Half of these people are my family and the other half are people that I really cant explain to you how i ended up being so close to them, it just happened. We love the idea of friendships, we do what you do in that we stand by someone completely and will always offer support and advice. But I have to say, for me personally i really dont have very many close emotional connections with people because I honestly dont really like them. I have one with my mom and my sister for obvious reasons and then my best guy friend, who just happens to be an ISFP. Oddly enough both my mom and my sister are also FP's.

I like people who will listen yes, however, I cant say that I'm big on emotional support. I know that sounds pretty heartless, but I really feel vulnerable around any kind of feelings and so if I do happen to tell someone i dont normally share things with something really emotional I tend to not talk to them for a while, or just pretend like it didnt happen. ESTJ's do not like to be emotionally pursued in any way. We dont really like to talk about emotions and so trying to get us to makes us close off really easily.

I have good friends who I hang out with, joke with, live with, and do a lot of things with. We talk about almost everything, but in terms of my deep emotions or if I get upset, I would rather be left alone with those things than talk about them with someone. It sounds bad, but it bothers me if someone is trying to get me to tell them why i'm upset. I tend to surround myself with introverts, because they usually are less invasive.

Friendships to me are very black and white. Either I am friends with a person or I am friendly with a person. There's really no in between. For me family is something that is permanent and friendships just sort of drift in and out. I know often that people think they're friendships will last forever, I know I have, or that they will always be the way they were, but the fact is that people grow older and become different and move on the different things constantly. So unless they're someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with (like a spouse), you have to assume that there may be a chance that it only lasts as long as its going to.

However, friends for me dont go away forever. I can easily be really good friends with someone, not see them for several years, end up in the same place again, and become good friends again. It all depends if I still have things in common with them. When I feel we are drifting apart a little, its a little sad, because it was a large part of my past, but really, I dont feel like there's anything i can do about it. If I wanted to still be good friends with someone I'd talk to them more, especially if they're in the same area as me. It is very rare for ESTJ's to break good friendships for random reasons. If there's a problem, we have no difficulty seeing it through, running is really not our thing.

Its interesting that you bring this up now because I'm actually feeling separation happening from a friend I had for about 6 years now, and recently I feel like she and I just dont have as much in common and that I at least need a break from her. To be fair though, she's being really controlling of me, and is bashing my other friends and then denying that anything is wrong when i speak to her. For me, I'm really trying to help her and fix whatever is going wrong, but if she wont tell me anything and continues to be rude and control me, then I'm going to shut her off little by little. I know that sounds mean, but I guess its my protective strategy.

The fact of the matter is, we dont like to talk about feelings. So if I was drifting apart with someone suddenly or not talking, I either dont notice very much because I can always jump back into friendships easily, or I wont say anything because I think that we just clearly dont have as much in common anymore, or if I thought there was a problem I'd say something. It wouldn't be in emotions or feelings, but it would be in facts, like such and such happened what was going on there? or you're doing such and such to me. We have no problem being critical with people, so you're going to end up hearing if something is really wrong probably in a harsh way, but it'll be said.

You might want to talk to this ESTJ. We are completely open to direct confrontation so feel free. Its possible this friend of yours might say "oh i didnt think we were drifting apart", which then you need to explain why you feel this way so that it can be fixed. We are fabulous at fixing problems, but only if someone actually tells us there is one.

As for an emotional connection. If you dont feel you have one with this ESTJ, most likely you wont have one for a long time or even at all. It takes a lot for us to really open up to people, and I have to say that I tend to open up to IP's more than anything else. Try not to be an emotional pursuer, it sort of turns us away a little bit, we dont like that kind of pressure.

Feel free to ask anymore questions. I'm sorry for such a long answer. Hope this helps!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
735 Posts
Hi, I agree - that is a really interesting question! thanks.

Here's my take from my own experiences:

Yes a close connection with a best friend is important to me, although as I've grown up I've realised I have a lot of good friends, although all of them don't know each other. To me, family comes first, because I've had quite a lot of friendships in the past which there was 'drifting-apart' - not sure the real reasons behind it as I never asked - maybe to do with being an ESTJ not wanting to express their feelings.

I actually do find it difficult to express my feelings, I've worked through this in my head and talking about it with some family and friends and am still finding about why I behave the way I do! and a lot of the reasons is just that I feel uncomfortable, vulnerable if I do incase it impacts on the recipient in a way that I think I might be misunderstood. And yes it's true - I know a lot about my friends more than they know me but main reason is that I love listening to people's conversations, and only joining in when I want to know the whys and whats etc. I've become more aware of my behaviour and slowly becoming better at being aware of my feelings, accepting them (this part seems to get a bit tricky for me), and then articulating/asserting my feelings - in the most respectful way I can because I HATE to hurt people's feelings, it's never my intention and I always try to consider people's feelings words, mull it around in my head and think of the best way of saying something as there have been times that I come across the wrong way, without intentionally doing so of course! but the effort I put in has made a difference to those close to me.

If a friend really mattered to me and we didn't see each other for a while but then suddenly meet up again I'm happy to - the long break doesn't bother me too much, I just tend to think that people have their lives to live, are busy in personal and work lives etc, so probably no it doesn't cross my mind to ask them why - if I want to meet them or they initiate the contact then great, I'm happy that they still class me as a friend.

Although if it was a sticky situation then I do feel uncomfortable bringing up how I feel, but I have now pretty much solved this part of this behaviour but just asking my friend(s) if everytg hing was alright because I felt........etc.....99% of the time I have done nothing wrong, it's just my perception that something has gone wrong - and there's always that fear that I have hurt someone's feelings or not been a good enough friend.

Reading through the posts in the ESTJ forum I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't take being a certain 'personality type' too seriously, as I'm sure you'll know - there are many factors that make up our personality! childhood experiences, and adult. I've had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and it changed my perspective HUGELY and therefore has benefited me because I find it easier now to express how I feel!

Long post from me too! but thanks for the q.s. again! :)
 

·
MOTM July 2010
Joined
·
4,596 Posts
I prefer expressing how I feel through writings than in conversation. In a real conversation, I prefer doing a logical and rational discussion, so I leave aside my emotions. You will see me discussing my emotions by talking about what's good and what's not, or what's proper and what's not, regarding some actions and the reason behind it.

Example:
"Last week you told me that you will call me at night, but you didn't. And then I call you to ask about it today, but you don't give me any logical explanations about that. That is not cool. You should have kept your words."

Translation:
"I've had been waiting for your call all night because I really missed you. But you didn't call me. And you didn't give any explanation the day after. Am I that unworthy for you? I take you as my best friend but you don't even 'see' me.
I feel hurt, sad, disappointed and unappreciated."

In real life, I don't express my feelings through words, but I express it through actions. So if someday I text a friend to ask how are they doing, after never seen them for months, that means I still care about them.
 
  • Like
Reactions: dasch and Grey

·
MOTM July 2010
Joined
·
4,596 Posts
No. Writing is a common way to express someone's feeling or thoughts. Being an extrovert doesn't mean you are talkative and "open", and being an introvert doesn't mean you're a shy person and "close". It's a common characteristic, but it's not a measure to decided whether someone is extrovert or introvert.

In MBTI, the concept of extrovert and introvert comes from the source of your energy.

If you get excited when you're in the middle of lots of people, and being alone too much makes you depressed, then you're an extrovert. Because you get your energy from outside.

If you easily get drained when you're in the middle of lots of people, and being alone makes you feel energized, then you're an introvert. Because you get your energy from inside.



.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
735 Posts
Yes that's one of the traits that the MBTI practitioner referred to when explaining the differences between introvert and extrovert.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
It depends. I can easily tell people what I THINK out loud. Easily, I have absolutely no problem doing that. However, if I have to tell a guy I'm dating that I love him, or people in general writing it at the end of an email or in a text message is not big deal at all. But saying it out loud? As much as I try really hard to make myself say it out loud I just cant. It takes a lot of me being like "JUST DO IT ALREADY" to get myself to say that. If it does happen to come out then I immediately feel "oh god I feel so vulnerable, take it back, take it back!". Yes, ESTJ's are extroverted, but we're not feelers and so therefore we are introverted feelers. So I can easily show someone I love them by saying "of course I'd do that for you, I'd be happy to do anything for you", but saying "I love you so much, and you make me feel such and such" is just really hard for me to say out loud. Feelings are just not my thing. They make me uncomfortable, so I could express my feelings quite easily on paper, or in an email saying how much I adore someone. But in person or on the phone? It's just too difficult.

Other than nothing coming out, like WickedQueen said earlier, its gonna just come out in a logical very assertive brain instead of heart way.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
97 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
It depends. I can easily tell people what I THINK out loud. Easily, I have absolutely no problem doing that. However, if I have to tell a guy I'm dating that I love him, or people in general writing it at the end of an email or in a text message is not big deal at all. But saying it out loud? As much as I try really hard to make myself say it out loud I just cant. It takes a lot of me being like "JUST DO IT ALREADY" to get myself to say that. If it does happen to come out then I immediately feel "oh god I feel so vulnerable, take it back, take it back!". Yes, ESTJ's are extroverted, but we're not feelers and so therefore we are introverted feelers. So I can easily show someone I love them by saying "of course I'd do that for you, I'd be happy to do anything for you", but saying "I love you so much, and you make me feel such and such" is just really hard for me to say out loud. Feelings are just not my thing. They make me uncomfortable, so I could express my feelings quite easily on paper, or in an email saying how much I adore someone. But in person or on the phone? It's just too difficult.

Other than nothing coming out, like WickedQueen said earlier, its gonna just come out in a logical very assertive brain instead of heart way.
Interesting. Could it be that this isn't an only ESTJ trait? or let alone a T trait? and could relate to a Feeler as well?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
Ya possibly because I would imagine if you were a feeler who has been hurt before or wants to be in control most of the time. It would be easier and less of a risk to write how you feel instead of saying it out loud. Typically though extroverted feelers dont have as much of an issue expressing their feelings. My mom for example is an ENFP and she is constantly telling people how things make her feel ALL the time. But my dad really hurt her when they got divorced so in relationships she tends to be a little more careful with how she expresses her feelings. Of course now she's re-married and can tell him anything, but they were friends first for a long time so she knew him really well and could tell him how she felt really easily.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
97 Posts
Discussion Starter #11
Ya possibly because I would imagine if you were a feeler who has been hurt before or wants to be in control most of the time. It would be easier and less of a risk to write how you feel instead of saying it out loud.
Not at all. It's not because you've been hurt before or want to be in control but you've always been like this. You'd want to find alternative ways to express what it is that you want to say rather than having to want to express it emotionally. It's either you say it another way or you dont at all or you say how you feel is how it is.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
I hear you. All I know is that all the extroverted feelers I know have no problems expressing their feelings out loud. Guys and girls. The extroverted thinkers I know have a harder time doing that. It could just be a coincidence, but i dont know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
735 Posts
I hear you. All I know is that all the extroverted feelers I know have no problems expressing their feelings out loud. Guys and girls. The extroverted thinkers I know have a harder time doing that. It could just be a coincidence, but i dont know.
I have that, harder time expressing my feelings, it's like if I want to express it I get this tight weird feeling in my chest and I feel like clambering up, and then I have to work through it for ages to get it off my chest.

Extroverted Feelers - do they tend to a better intuition to how others are feeling? without the other knowing?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
97 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I have that, harder time expressing my feelings, it's like if I want to express it I get this tight weird feeling in my chest and I feel like clambering up, and then I have to work through it for ages to get it off my chest.

Extroverted Feelers - do they tend to a better intuition to how others are feeling? without the other knowing?
thats how it seems also. More than often, I can open up to a friend that I've known for years but not completely.

according to the MBTI, it says that the ESFJs dominant function is Fe. I wouldn't know how you're feeling until you tell me exactly how you're feeling. I could guess from "you're not talking much" or you have a frown on your face are obvious hints but other than that, It's better if you told me that you're upset or I would never know.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
202 Posts
My sister is an INFP and she can just sense if you're upset. Like you could seem the happiest person ever and she'll come over and just squeeze your shoulder and say "i'm here if you need me". No pressure or anything, she just knows. Its very cool.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
735 Posts
Yeah I could relate to both points - if someone close to me is upset I can sense it, although that may be because I've known them for so long that I'm used to their behaviour patterns. I make a point to ask to make sure "are you alright? you seem upset?" But then there are times when people I don't know well at all you can just tell from their facial expressions and body language. I'm wondering whether it's because one of my functions (sound like a robot here) has developed a lot from experiences and therefore I'm more 'aware' of my emotions. Am thinking it's due to the fact that I love reading up on psychology and personal growth.

And someone in my past turned on the water tap in me haha.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
1) is a close connection with a best friend important to you? if yes or no, why?

Yes it is, and I miss mine terribly since I've moved to NC!!! Although, I do have more than one best friend, but usually only one at a time. After we have moved apart the connection is still so close, we get on the phone or see each other again and it just picks up where it left off.

Having a best friend is extremely important to me because it means I have that one person who I always want to spend time with, who I can be honest with. In my case, the person is usually an introvert and a great listener. I think it's so important to me because when I'm without it I feel so lonely. Even if I have some casual friends, nothing can replace the close bond of having one "best friend" in my life.


2) if you feel that there's this connection between you and this best friend, and all of the sudden, the two of you haven't been seeing each other or contacting each other much, how would you feel? would you let that person know how you feel or would you have a hard time explaining how you would feel emotionally? What would you do in this situation? Would you fix the problem? If you have anymore to add, feel free to add! Thank you.

When my best friend and I lived in the same place sometimes we would both get so busy we wouldn't be able to see each other as much. Once someone has reached the level of best friend in my life and has my trust, I know that they are not mad at me and instead are just busy. I would miss them, my main feeling would be a desire to have their company once again. If it did turn out they were upset with me for some reason I would talk to them about what had happened. I often rely on an outsiders opinion to help me understand how others see me, and my best friend is high on that list. If I suspected they were upset with me I'd ask them what was going on.

There have been a few times where I've decided I no longer wanted to be friends with certain people I was once close with because they had done something to lose my trust. In that case, I mostly just stopped talking to them. When they contacted me and asked to make plans, I told them I was unavailable. When confronted I told them the truth, that I thought their behavior was really poor and I just didn't want to be close friends anymore. Honestly though, in order for something like this to happen there would have to be a pretty major betrayal.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top