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Hello all,

Would appreciate any thoughts, insights or experiences of the pros and cons of a relationship between an INFJ and an ESFJ (in this case INFJ male and ESFJ female).

Many thanks :happy:
 

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I saw this and thought it served me well, seen as though I like an INFJ..hahaha me bias? no.. :wink:
INFJ Relationships
I like their little disclaimer of sorts..

"Although we believe firmly that this model works very well to help in finding and maintaining healthy relationships, it is important to remember that it's just a tool. We offer guidelines to help you understand the kinds of things that you value in a relationship, rather than guidelines that you need to follow strictly. Two well-developed individuals of any type can make a relationship work. And work is a key concept here! There is no such thing as an effortless relationship. Don't use this model as an excuse to dump your relationship."

tee hee!
... but on a serious note...of course the resources we have at our disposal to aid us in any of our endeavors should always only be tools and guides and should not be abused and dominate our decisions.. :cool:


but in my ENFP defence , being 50/50 E&I and having high T for a F and leaning towards J (hahahahaha) I think I'm good for those wonderful INFJ's :blushed:
I'm excellent at convincing myself of anything ... :tongue:​
 

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my first love was ESFJ :happy:
They like routine and I felt boring :crying:
Then we give up but the relation not too bad its work
 

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Yeah, I have now come to the same conclusion :wink:
We can't help who we are attracted to. I'm INFJ and I'm a gonner over ESFJ - AND he's a lawyer, go figure! When he looks at me, I swear I can't hide from him, and I hide from everyone. I try to disappear and he says I'm too important to ignore. My heart beats faster just thinking about him. I've never ever felt this way before.

The downside is - I hurt his feelings just being me. I have to be more diplomatic and more general with my observations so he doesn't take them personally. We also miscommunicate often. I need to hear how someone feels. He shows how he feels by being considerate and caring and awesome.

I am usually the caretaker but he takes care of me. I've never had that before. Life is keeping us apart. I don't know if we will ever be together. I hope and pray for his happiness. I will never take him for granted and if he were mine then I would never let him forget how wonderful he is...
 

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The downside is - I hurt his feelings just being me. I have to be more diplomatic and more general with my observations so he doesn't take them personally. We also miscommunicate often. I need to hear how someone feels. He shows how he feels by being considerate and caring and awesome
I am married to an ESFJ (an INFJ female) and it is just like you said- he often is very sensitive and takes what I say personally. You just have to constantly be working on communication. He has to work on listening carefully and not tuning out when he hears something he doesn't want to hear and we INFJs have to really try not to be so bluntly honest. I realized that I felt so close to my husband that nothing I say could hurt him because he would know where I'm coming from and how much I love him, but the fact is when you deal with touchy issues, he won't see it that way, he will be hurt. Also his N isn't very developed so you may be pointing out things he's never thought of before and they overwhelm him.

Its a tough relationship but I feel the same way as you- He takes care of me in a physical way with his "S" which I'm not used to (always bringing me water, reminding me of things, taking care of all the boring details I don't want to do) and yes he is conservative in nature and I don't relate to his passion for finance but he is so sensitive and caring which makes me feel loved! Meanwhile I take care of him in a more emotional way- using my iN to help him through emotional and spiritual issues that he has trouble getting a grasp on. We just work somehow! It's definitely a case of opposites attract but we do share a mutual love of people, and we are both very compassionate so we are usually on the same page when it comes to people issues.
 

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I am married to an ESFJ (an INFJ female) and it is just like you said- he often is very sensitive and takes what I say personally. You just have to constantly be working on communication. He has to work on listening carefully and not tuning out when he hears something he doesn't want to hear and we INFJs have to really try not to be so bluntly honest. I realized that I felt so close to my husband that nothing I say could hurt him because he would know where I'm coming from and how much I love him, but the fact is when you deal with touchy issues, he won't see it that way, he will be hurt. Also his N isn't very developed so you may be pointing out things he's never thought of before and they overwhelm him.

Its a tough relationship but I feel the same way as you- He takes care of me in a physical way with his "S" which I'm not used to (always bringing me water, reminding me of things, taking care of all the boring details I don't want to do) and yes he is conservative in nature and I don't relate to his passion for finance but he is so sensitive and caring which makes me feel loved! Meanwhile I take care of him in a more emotional way- using my iN to help him through emotional and spiritual issues that he has trouble getting a grasp on. We just work somehow! It's definitely a case of opposites attract but we do share a mutual love of people, and we are both very compassionate so we are usually on the same page when it comes to people issues.
Thanks for that! I am so glad to hear that you guys work. My ESFJ is important to me but I feel like I just totally say the wrong things. I wouldn't purposefully hurt him - ever.
 

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I've never been romantically involved/interested in an ESFJ, I've known a couple though. The main reason I don't think I'd ever want to date one is the fact that they are just so...domineering, but you are going to get that with any EXXJ. When they are in angry mode it feels like they are trying to verbally beat you over the head. They are intense, they WANT to be intense when their F is touched off. "Subtle" isn't in their vocabulary.

Conflicts are nasty and one-sided, I find. I just don't have the will/energy to exert myself over them in a conflict, so the vibe gets really uncomfortable REALLY fast. They're mouthing off and I'm having visions of beating their face in with a baseball bat just to shut them up, which just turns into me being passively-aggressively rude and they just somehow don't get why I'm pissed off.

But, in absence of external conflict, I find them really lovely people, as long as politics/religion don't come up. They are very caring individuals, and I like that about them. I appreciate tough love though, for someone who doesn't, just stay away, haha.
 

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I've never been romantically involved/interested in an ESFJ, I've known a couple though. The main reason I don't think I'd ever want to date one is the fact that they are just so...domineering, but you are going to get that with any EXXJ. When they are in angry mode it feels like they are trying to verbally beat you over the head. They are intense, they WANT to be intense when their F is touched off. "Subtle" isn't in their vocabulary.

Conflicts are nasty and one-sided, I find. I just don't have the will/energy to exert myself over them in a conflict, so the vibe gets really uncomfortable REALLY fast. They're mouthing off and I'm having visions of beating their face in with a baseball bat just to shut them up, which just turns into me being passively-aggressively rude and they just somehow don't get why I'm pissed off.

But, in absence of external conflict, I find them really lovely people, as long as politics/religion don't come up. They are very caring individuals, and I like that about them. I appreciate tough love though, for someone who doesn't, just stay away, haha.
I am in a relationship with an ESFJ and your observations ring very true to me.

I agree that they are very warm and caring individuals...but when that Fe starts firing off, I just can't handle it. I think she needs someone to sympathize with her and to calm her down but she seems to go about it completely the wrong way (to me). She behaves in a manner that is least likely to invoke my sympathy. I become very stressed and defensive. On my part this ordinarily starts with containment, moving to passive aggresson and eventually an outburst of anger (if we fail to manage the situation effectively).

My mood is important - if I am generally happy then I can ordinarily stay calm and diffuse the situation. If something else is bothering me out the situation can go pear shaped very quickly (this isn't helped by the fact that I silently stew over things so she is probably completely oblivious to the fact that I am unhappy about something). A danger is the temptation to knock her off her stride with a sharp, cutting comment. This can be tactically advantageous but is damaging in the long run.

I too appreciate the tough love. I think one of the difficulties is in setting appropriate boundaries. In my experience, ESFJs are not skilled at picking their battles. They will expend as much energy fighting over seemingly trivial things as they will over things that really matter. The danger is that this leads to an environment in which the trivial and the serious are approached in the same manner. When something important comes up, I find it difficult to put aside all that hounding over trivial things.
 

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Hello all,

Would appreciate any thoughts, insights or experiences of the pros and cons of a relationship between an INFJ and an ESFJ (in this case INFJ male and ESFJ female).
In Socionics INFJs and ESFJs are in relations of supervision where INFJ is Supervisor to ESFJ: Love Types INFJ

INFJ in socionics changes to INFp or IEI because that typology doesn't use j/p the same way as MBTI and you have to switch the j/p around for introverted types.
 

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Different type of relationship: my mom is an ESFJ and yeah what to say.. It's not easy. Personally I find them hysterical, caring, hyper emotional, irrational, caring, out of touch with their personal boundaries and limits. It is like: you feel that there can be some sort of similarity there and you can believe in finding mutual understanding.. but it always ends up being a disappointment. I feel that I put in much more than she is able to give back. Not because she doesn't want to, she doesn't see I need(ed) it.

Ok maybe I'm not the right person to talk to about an ESFJ lol
 

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In socionics, INFJs are INFps. This is because perceiving is our top function.

Ni (percieving)
Fe (judging)
Ti
Se

But with normal MBTI, we are INFJs. Because our highest extroverted function is Fe, a Judging function.
Yep. INFJ becomes INFp or IEI in Socionics. That's their NiFe type. And these two types are in relations of supervision where NiFe type supervises the FeSi type (INFJ supervises ESFJ).
 

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I am pretty sure my last huge crush was an ESFJ, but it caused me a whole lot of grief and heart break. We never actually dated, but I am pretty sure he was interested. However, I lost interest when I learned more about how he actually was and when learned more about myself and what I really wanted. It's not that he was a bad guy (though slightly immature), but I can tell he wasn't good for me (as in I don't think it would be possible for us to have a healthy, well-communicated relationship). I am not saying you should totally write off ESFJs or other personality types because any two people can have a happy relationship with love, work, and chemistry (no chemistry between us unfortunately). That was just my personal experience with that guy in particular.
 

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My brother is probably an ESFJ, too. I love him dearly, but it can be rather difficult at times.
 

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I've been looking for a thread like this.
I have a huge problem with my ESFJ, and I don't know what to do anymore.
The situation got hopelessly complicated, but I'll try to make it as simple as I can.

He and I were in the same program, and he was dating a girl in my class at the time. They broke up, and over the summer we got in contact, and decided to go out. They were still up in the air, but he chose to date me instead because she caused him a lot of grief.

Fastforward maybe two months. She tells him she is in love with him, he obviously get's confused because there is still something there, dumps me and insists on being just friends with everyone. She is giving him a full out mind-fucking, and I'm there picking up the pieces.

He goes home for Christmas, communication is weak. He comes back and tells me they are over and done with (the details of this we're brutal in the realization that he chose her friendship over my love, and she told him she loved him but wanted to date someone else).

Again, I am picking up the pieces. But now, he wants to remain just friends with me as well. Which is a huge problem, because we've been intimate for so long I can't physically keep myself from wanting to show him that I care about him. Every time he rejects my affections though, it's like a slap to the face.

I feel no reassurance, I feel no regard in my feelings, but worst of all is I feel hopeless and unappreciated. I've been there through thick and thin, and he still tells me I might leave, and he doesn't want just small relationships. He wants to be surrounded by friends.

Obviously, it's horrendously complicated, and being my wonderful INFJ-self, I can't bring myself to just leave.
So, the obvious question is...what do I do?
 

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I've been looking for a thread like this.
I have a huge problem with my ESFJ, and I don't know what to do anymore.
The situation got hopelessly complicated, but I'll try to make it as simple as I can.

He and I were in the same program, and he was dating a girl in my class at the time. They broke up, and over the summer we got in contact, and decided to go out. They were still up in the air, but he chose to date me instead because she caused him a lot of grief.

Fastforward maybe two months. She tells him she is in love with him, he obviously get's confused because there is still something there, dumps me and insists on being just friends with everyone. She is giving him a full out mind-fucking, and I'm there picking up the pieces.

He goes home for Christmas, communication is weak. He comes back and tells me they are over and done with (the details of this we're brutal in the realization that he chose her friendship over my love, and she told him she loved him but wanted to date someone else).

Again, I am picking up the pieces. But now, he wants to remain just friends with me as well. Which is a huge problem, because we've been intimate for so long I can't physically keep myself from wanting to show him that I care about him. Every time he rejects my affections though, it's like a slap to the face.

I feel no reassurance, I feel no regard in my feelings, but worst of all is I feel hopeless and unappreciated. I've been there through thick and thin, and he still tells me I might leave, and he doesn't want just small relationships. He wants to be surrounded by friends.

Obviously, it's horrendously complicated, and being my wonderful INFJ-self, I can't bring myself to just leave.
So, the obvious question is...what do I do?
Wow your mind and heart must feel like its being tortured :( I know how you feel to a certain degree because I have been in a similar situation for about 2 years with my EXFJ. the first half of the relationship was filled with me picking up the pieces as she was still wallowing about the terrible things that happened in one of her previous relationships. As much as she told me she loved me i knew she was still far from being over him. By the time things started getting better with that she got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. She was so afraid I would leave her because she was sick. I would never leave someone just because they were sick. I stuck with her but she was not mentally stable. It made it really hard on me because she had mixed feelings about the relationship but didnt want me to leave her. Well when things started getting better with that autoimmune disease she got another. And this one has affected her mentally just as bad, and could kill her. A day before she found out I was very much considering breaking up with her because of all the never ending negative emotions. And being an empath I feel the same pain. Then when she told me my first thought was "great... Im never going to have the opportunity to break up with her (with a clear conscious)" I cant abandon someone... So I was forced by my conscious to stay and take care of her and pick up the pieces every second of every time we are together or communicate in some fashion. So many times I have felt like my love has been rejected by her and its one of the worst feelings. I cant just leave someone in this situation or mental state even though it is crushing to me to stay.
I could tell you that you should just cut him out of your life and find someone else and move on. Im sure you have considered this and many other options. But Its not something you can "just do" because of your caring nature and kind heart. You need someone who is going to accept your love and give you the reassurance you need. I think in the long run it would be a good idea to break up with him, but leaving him would be almost impossible because of how much you care for him and your feeling out duty to him. If you need to talk just send me a message and I will listen. I care and I am here for you if you need it.

ps "I've been there through thick and thin, and he still tells me I might leave," that is what mine says all the time. esfj's are bad about being manipulative when they are in an unhealthy state. sometime I feel like its their way of reassuring that you will stay. I dont know if that would be considered reverse psychology or not. But I know it can really mess with someones head. granted he may feel insecure because of how he has messed up in the relationship and doesnt understand why you are still with him. But if that is the case he is going about telling you in the wrong way. either way it is not fair to you for him to believe you will just leave him with all you have done for him.
 
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