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Discussion Starter #1
So, I'm in an open relationship with a gay INTJ... I'm enamored by his quirkiness, intelligence, and we share a lot in common. Time goes by so quickly when we're together, and he's somewhat forthcoming with emotion, affection (he apparently needs to remind himself to let me know sweet things he's thinking), etc. Even the open part of the relationship (knowing that we're having sex with others) doesn't bother me, just so long as we're honest about it, and we're the priority, which we've agreed upon, of course...

We hang out primarily on the weekends... once in a rare while, it would be 1 night during the week. Here's the tough part: It seems like an out-of-sight, out-of-mind type of situation, possibly. During the week when we're not together, I might text him mid-day, and then get a response the following morning. I can understand wanting alone time and privacy (and I make sure I'm busy myself during the week with friends and projects), but my 'F' part of my ENFJ is getting the best of me sometimes, where I can be focused on him as I've made him a priority, my feelings are strong, and I can be focused on this situation and the question of why can't he text back maybe before going to bed, etc.? I've brought this up, and he says he's easily distractable, has a hard time responding to everyone, etc., but will try.

I can also see that he's logged into the gay apps nearby (grindr, scruff, growlr) , which can add another layer of confusion... and making me feel like less of a priority when he can just as easily text me back during all the time that's passing. Everything else in our relationship seems to be going well overall, it's just this lack of communication during the week, leaving me to feel as tho I'm just a weekend boyfriend, is all.

Just wondered if any INTJ's out there identify with this, have any soothing words? I'm trying to lower my expectations from a level I feel that can tend to be normal (not high), but having a tough time doing so...
 

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Well (this isn't going to be soothing, but I'm not good at that) i can relate to the extent that I don't want to see my boyfriend all the time. Once a week would seem normal for me if we weren't both college students living literally one floor apart. I'm going to wager he's telling the truth this time, because I rarely ever lie about being easily distractible. I can get an e-mail from my closest friends, not respond initially because I don't have time, and forget to do it all together. If he's lying to you, it'd sound horribly involved and inconsistent, because i think few INTJs ever intend to lie about this and so it's poorly thought out.

I don't know what I can say except for talk to him about how you feel in this situation. If you mean something to him he should make an effort, but I'm not promising anything. If you're in an open relationship and he's dating someone else, his behavior should be even more obvious to you. INTJs don't have a lot of energy for people in the first place, and when they're involved with someone they tend to go pretty deep, so it's possible that he's having a hard time balancing more than one relationship as it is, coupled with his non-romantic relationships etc.
 
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A "hard time responding" does not mean he doesn't have the time. It means he doesn't have the energy.

Surfing chat rooms or forums doesn't require the same energy commitment. I can read and post on internet forums almost 24/7 without an issue, but it may take 3 days to work up the energy to phone my best friend.

INTJ's don't generally do subtle. If you're having an issue, you need to talk to him about it. If he tells you he's still into you, believe him. We don't generally play games either.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Well (this isn't going to be soothing, but I'm not good at that) i can relate to the extent that I don't want to see my boyfriend all the time. Once a week would seem normal for me if we weren't both college students living literally one floor apart. I'm going to wager he's telling the truth this time, because I rarely ever lie about being easily distractible. I can get an e-mail from my closest friends, not respond initially because I don't have time, and forget to do it all together. If he's lying to you, it'd sound horribly involved and inconsistent, because i think few INTJs ever intend to lie about this and so it's poorly thought out.

I don't know what I can say except for talk to him about how you feel in this situation. If you mean something to him he should make an effort, but I'm not promising anything. If you're in an open relationship and he's dating someone else, his behavior should be even more obvious to you. INTJs don't have a lot of energy for people in the first place, and when they're involved with someone they tend to go pretty deep, so it's possible that he's having a hard time balancing more than one relationship as it is, coupled with his non-romantic relationships etc.

Actually, that was 'soothing'... you make a good point that it can be tough to balance a relationship with the non-relationships (I've found for him) and he has at any given time a number of projects that he wants to attend to, and adds to the list pretty consistently. I just need to remind myself of this. And if you feel that you can be okay with just once a week, I have a pretty good deal of a full weekend (non-stop) with some texts in between... I have talked about it with him (except for the grindr, scruff, growlr part, because I don't want it to seem like I'm spying... it's just that he shows up on mine nearby, so I see it)... it's worth a gentle nudge of a reminder, I think, tho...if I keep having a hard time with it...
 

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Discussion Starter #5
A "hard time responding" does not mean he doesn't have the time. It means he doesn't have the energy.

Surfing chat rooms or forums doesn't require the same energy commitment. I can read and post on internet forums almost 24/7 without an issue, but it may take 3 days to work up the energy to phone my best friend.

INTJ's don't generally do subtle. If you're having an issue, you need to talk to him about it. If he tells you he's still into you, believe him. We don't generally play games either.

Thanks for making the differentiation for me (between posting in forums and in phoning a best friend)... I guess it's the 'E' of the ENFJ that I have a hard time doing so, as I'll engage in communication at any level that's coming my way, I guess even when I'm lackluster. It's good for me to hear your differentiation. I've heard that INTJ's aren't subtle, and a declaration is quite a profound thing. I was told I was 'awesome' the other day, so I've taken that and run with it... it's things like that, that I need to remind myself of in these lulls, I suppose. ;)
 

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I pretty much agree with what's been said already.

However, what do YOU want? IMO it seems that you say the open part is ok in practice but you want/need more commitment, so maybe you need to reexamine if this IS actually what you want?

It may be difficult, but don't lie to yourself, your true feelings may be easy to bury, however I think you need to listen to them.

Open relationships take a LOT of work, a LOT of honesty and a LOT of trust.

Be well :)
 

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You'll have to tell him exactly what you expect in as many words without dropping hints or whatever and try to convince him why you 'need' the validation that you seek. You'll have to reason with him - and no, appealing to his emotions won't work. You'll have to give him like a schedule or something. Make him understand that all you need is a response and a response doesn't take more than 30seconds to draft in all honesty. What I'm getting is not lack of energy or anything - but somehow 1 of 2 things

a) a desire to 'play games' - make you more clingy and attached to him. Perhaps he secretly enjoys the intimacy you provide him, but his way of showing love is to make you sort of long for it so that he can give you what you want on his terms.
b) An inability to express emotional intimacy on the spot <-- This being the more likely explanation. It takes time for an INTJ to express their emotions - and they aren't as free with them as we ENFJ's are.

You'll really have to reason with him and talk to him directly without mincing words. Just let him know that this behaviour is making you feel under-appreciated. It may lead to a conflict as soon as you bring it up ... but if he loves you, he'll make more of an effort the next time.

Also - INTJ's generally like to do little things and feel like they're being under-appreciated for those as well - and therefore may hold back on showing more intimacy than they themselves may feel. It takes a great deal of effort on their part to express their affections - but it doesn't mean that they aren't there. Perhaps try to engage him in less intimate talk through text instead of expecting loving responses all the time. Talk about other stuff, random stuff -- his interests -- books, movies, games etc [that he likes] and see how responsive he becomes.
 

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Ugh. I'm a gay INTJ and I can't imagine being into a guy who was busy on grindr all the time with little effort put into our relationship except on the weekends. I realize you're not INTJ, but everyone tends to see things through their own lenses, and if was your INTJ the behavior you describe I could only justify if I considered the relationship "expendable." Sorry, I just can't relate. Maybe that's what you want too. My relationship language is trust, and it doesn't mesh too well with open relationships.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
I pretty much agree with what's been said already.

However, what do YOU want? IMO it seems that you say the open part is ok in practice but you want/need more commitment, so maybe you need to reexamine if this IS actually what you want?

It may be difficult, but don't lie to yourself, your true feelings may be easy to bury, however I think you need to listen to them.

Open relationships take a LOT of work, a LOT of honesty and a LOT of trust.

Be well :)
It is the first time I'm in an open relationship (as well as for him)... the good thing is we are honest and open about our activities outside our relationship. I've always wanted an open relationship for many reasons that make a world of sense to me, so far without regret I'm happy about this aspect of it (having me cake and eating it too!...heh). I was more concerned about him making sure to keep us as a priority in communication when we're not together.... or at least not waiting a day to respond to my communication when he can log onto the gay apps during that time. We had (what I think was) a really good conversation regarding this, this past weekend... so we'll see how it goes. Thanks for the comment! :)
 

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Discussion Starter #11
You'll have to tell him exactly what you expect in as many words without dropping hints or whatever and try to convince him why you 'need' the validation that you seek. You'll have to reason with him - and no, appealing to his emotions won't work. You'll have to give him like a schedule or something. Make him understand that all you need is a response and a response doesn't take more than 30seconds to draft in all honesty. What I'm getting is not lack of energy or anything - but somehow 1 of 2 things

a) a desire to 'play games' - make you more clingy and attached to him. Perhaps he secretly enjoys the intimacy you provide him, but his way of showing love is to make you sort of long for it so that he can give you what you want on his terms.
b) An inability to express emotional intimacy on the spot <-- This being the more likely explanation. It takes time for an INTJ to express their emotions - and they aren't as free with them as we ENFJ's are.

You'll really have to reason with him and talk to him directly without mincing words. Just let him know that this behaviour is making you feel under-appreciated. It may lead to a conflict as soon as you bring it up ... but if he loves you, he'll make more of an effort the next time.

Also - INTJ's generally like to do little things and feel like they're being under-appreciated for those as well - and therefore may hold back on showing more intimacy than they themselves may feel. It takes a great deal of effort on their part to express their affections - but it doesn't mean that they aren't there. Perhaps try to engage him in less intimate talk through text instead of expecting loving responses all the time. Talk about other stuff, random stuff -- his interests -- books, movies, games etc [that he likes] and see how responsive he becomes.
All of this is SOOO helpful! Thanks so much! I've been learning that yes, I do need to not mince words, no hinting, no passive-aggressive. Just lay out exactly what I'm thinking, AND giving a schedule! On the weeks we don't see each other Sunday night until Friday night, I've asked for a phone call on Wednesday night, even though he doesn't feel 100% comfortable on the phone, but he's willing to make the effort once I explained how I feel when it comes to missing him during that time, etc.

Of course, I hope it's not the 'playing games' thingie. Only time can tell if it is indeed that... I also have to make sure to not go overboard with my compliments, intimacy, sweetness, etc. I know that he can be somewhat reserved with giving back on that front, and I have learned that he does take time to craft something sweet to say... as few and far between these moments can be, I've learned to appreciate them whole-heartedly when they do come, because it's most sincere.

You totally hit the nail on the head... in terms of texting, I do put sweetness out there pretty consistently, hoping to hear it back... but varying it up with more of his interests/projects and all will most certainly garner more of a response, too! Thankya Thankya!
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Ugh. I'm a gay INTJ and I can't imagine being into a guy who was busy on grindr all the time with little effort put into our relationship except on the weekends. I realize you're not INTJ, but everyone tends to see things through their own lenses, and if was your INTJ the behavior you describe I could only justify if I considered the relationship "expendable." Sorry, I just can't relate. Maybe that's what you want too. My relationship language is trust, and it doesn't mesh too well with open relationships.

I totally understand where you're coming from in your stance. Someone else said earlier in the thread that they can do online forums and surfiing/commenting (and other activities) much easier than crafting something for their best friend... or making a phone call to them. This makes a good amount of sense to me... as I know my BF can struggle in finding the right words to express himself in an emotional way.

As for open relationships, it is indeed what I've wanted, and I don't regret that (so far). I understand that the topic can be quite polarizing however, as people can feel very differently about it. In an effort to help others understand why I would decide to have an open relationship (as it does come up), I remember learning at a young age that statistically, the majority of gay couples that stay together the longest are indeed open. I also wouldn't want to deny myself (or my mate) the opportunity to feel good with others... in the times that I have had sex with another, I woke away shaking my head in a great way, saying I can have that AND a relationship/sex with someone I love, as well? Wow... I feel that 2 men together can tend to have stronger libido's, can separate love from sex, and we (as a gay couple) don't need to follow the antiquated societal standards/rules set forth by generations before us...that we can make our own rules, etc. But, again, everyone is different in regards to this topic, and what they look for. :)
 

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You totally hit the nail on the head... in terms of texting, I do put sweetness out there pretty consistently, hoping to hear it back... but varying it up with more of his interests/projects and all will most certainly garner more of a response, too! Thankya Thankya!
I don't know if you talked about it with him yet, but one of the reasons he doesn't answer your texts right away might be that he scheduled texting to be in the morning. I can't speak for all INTJs, but personally I schedule phone calls, emails etc at specific days or hours and/or wait until I feel recharged and comfortable enough to answer because otherwise I just find it overwhelming to deal with that many means of communication as they come.
Even texting is somewhat socially draining to me, I won't answer right away if I'm busy or not alone unless I'm just asked an information or the answer is time-sensitive. Stuff like forums and (I guess) the apps he's on is a different thing as they are much less personal and emotionally taxing.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
A lot of times I think of around 10-20 different ways to respond, get annoyed with the choice and then put my phone away and forget that I even had a message. Then I'll check my messages the next day and think "Woops forgot to respond."

Thanks for this! Yes, I've actually witnessed this behavior in my BF... It's things like this that I need to remind myself of when I haven't heard back. And that he spends time wanting to craft the perfect (sweet or emotional) response, but has a hard time feeling confident about it...
 

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Thanks for this! Yes, I've actually witnessed this behavior in my BF... It's things like this that I need to remind myself of when I haven't heard back. And that he spends time wanting to craft the perfect (sweet or emotional) response, but has a hard time feeling confident about it...
I have actually gotten better at it since becoming healthier. i have more energy to spend on it.
I ask a lot of questions now.

like "What are your interests?"
me: "If you had to guess, what would you say my interests are?"

lol. much easier :D
 
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