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[Questionnaire] 7w6, 9w8, or else

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What age range are you in?

19 (to be 20 in a few days)

Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
I'm diagnosed with autism, nothing else.

Main Questions

1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?

I'm driven when I see something exciting. I sometimes strive for seemingly impossible goals. I'm very motivated when I imagine that I'll accomplish something big. It must be what I can put all my energy. I want to do things boldly.

What I am looking for? It's difficult to explain it as one. It keeps changing.
My unchanging desire is freedom to realize my dream, and an eternal strong bond.

2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?

Oh, so many.
I want to renovate a room cutely. To go out with full coordination of clothes that I created. To make a long phone call with my soulmate in a bedroom at midnight. To have a big birthday party that we will never forget. To form a music band and playing original songs on a huge stage. To make anime with my OC.
To do these, I need the time, money and patience... and the people who will do it with me. I do not have any confidence to do some of them due to my poor communication skills. Currently they're just dreams. I just fantasize about them, I'm looking for a chance to get them done.

I'm more happy with surfing the Internet about typology, listening to music, and drawing than realizing these ideals. I don't know if what I told are my true desires. I'm somewhat happy with my life now, but I think it would be better if I could.

3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?

What do you hope to avoid doing or being?

  • Disease or physical danger. I don't want to take physical risks. I often over-focus on things and hurt my health, but it's unconscious. I don't want to do that consciously. I'm sensitive to such dangers and worry so much when I feel something different. I usually don't get overly anxious. I don't actively eat healthy foods to prevent illness, I eat what I want to eat. I just avoid danger, for example, I don't eat expired food.
  • Evil thoughts. I try to be a good person. When someone says I'm bad, it takes me some time to admit it. I've even persistently asked them what was wrong with me. I want to get rid of the evil thoughts in me as much as possible. I understand that everyone has both good and bad sides, but I still fall into terrible self-loathing when I faced with my bad sides.

What values are important to you?
  • Respect for people's will. When working in a team, it's important to listen to what they want to do, rather than controlling people or forcing something. It's arrogant to ignore the opinions that each person has. It's important that people are equal and that everyone has the right to speak.
  • Politeness. We need to effort to respect each beliefs. We mustn't despise people who has different opinions from ours. It means thet discrimination and supremacy are unforgivable.
  • Tolerance. If I stick to many small beliefs, it will result in denying many people inside me. I want to be a person with a big heart. If I'm not sure if the behavior is really malicious, I will try to know their motives rather than wielding self-righteous justice. Rejecting people by misunderstanding is dangerous.

4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?

Being mediocre. If I'm mediocre, that means there are a lot of people instead of me, and I'm worthless. I want to know why I have to live by being needed as the only being. I'm afraid to be one of several. Then I don't sure when people will tell me I'm unnecessary. It's terribly scary for me. I want to know why I'm needed where I am. That is my purpose in life. Living the same life as someone means being a substitute for someone, which means that I'm a supporting role in someone else's life. I want to be the leading role of my life. And I also want to be "special" for someone. The more I live for many, the happier I am. I'm afraid that the value of my life will be disrespected. I never want to hear the phrase "It's uncomfortable that you being alive". To that end, I look for a place where I can be recognized, by doing a lot of things. I want a place where my uniqueness (finally my existence) is needed.
Being unique is not a final goal, but a way for people to eternally consider me as an important existence without forgetting. Still it's important for me to be given chances to become what I want to be. I never want to regret that I was born.

5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?

How do you want others to see you?

A person who has a good aesthetic sense, is honest with my own beliefs, has enough intelligence to be trusted by people, kind person whom people can talk to with peace of mind, creative, entertaining talker

How do you see yourself?
A person who is usually calm and patient, and sometimes does surprising bold things for fun or help.

6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

What makes you feel your best?

Shaping my ideals! Bonus if it makes people enjoyable (This is not always necessary)!
What I was most satisfied with in my life is that I interacted with many students in my school through the play I invented, when I was 10. I made various things from what is in school. First of all, I decorated the school lunch straw bags and the paper spoon bags with a pen. I started playing shop to distribute them. I remodeled my notebook like a shop. I made a pocket in my notebook and put the product in it. At first, it was simple, but as I continued, ideas came to me one after another, and some people wanted to pretend clerk together, and the shop became larger and larger. I had to take the product out because there were too many products and the notebook was about to burst.πŸ˜‚ I was very excited to see the shop grow. I wanted to make it known to people outside my class, and I handwritten an ad and advertised it throughout the school. I was so happy to see so many people coming to our shop. This was the most wonderful moment that I felt that I'm loved.

What makes you feel your worst?
Long-term restraint. I can endure temporary rules, but I'm exhausted if they continue. The hope of being released from it at the end is essential for me to endure it. I was despaired when I was convinced of the fate of a 9-5 routine for the rest of my life. Am I deprived of one-third of the day by working? That sounds very scary for me... To be honest, everything I should do exhausts me >_<
Work, housework and chores are so hard for me. I need to play to my heart's content after hellish restraint.

7. Describe how you experience each of:

a) anger

I'm very frustrated when I have to stop my passion right away. I hate being disturbed (that's one of the reasons I prefer to act alone). I feel most comfortable when I'm focused on one thing and I want to keep doing that as long as I'm motivated.
I'm looking for a place where I can stay comfortably and I get annoyed when I have to be constantly being moved. I'm never a convenience tool for people or anything! I want people to treat me as a human being with heart and will.
I was frustrated when someone I didn't get along so much with said, "Help me! We're friends, right?" The person didn't seem to think seriously about friendship. I never want temporary "fake" friendships. It sounds like such people don't see people as people and it pisses me off.

b) shame
Being ignored or excluded from a group is a great shame. I am terribly ashamed of being hated and I take great care not to be hated. I fear being left out. I fear breaking existing relationships. I feel most ashamed that a good relationship will never come back and they see me as a nuisance eternally.
It's a great shame that someone else talks to everyone except me when I'm in a group! I have experienced it. I was tempted to leave immediately, but I endured it because leaving would show my shame.
It's also a shame for me to show negative emotions in public. I don't want to cry or get angry in public. I feel very sorry that people are focusing on my feelings as matter. That makes me look like a selfish person who bothers people. I want to keep them private. I hate to let those emotions come out and I desperately try to erase them from inside me. I hope people to leave from me when I feel ashamed. I want to handle them alone.

c) anxiety
I'm not very confident in my abilities. I've seen many more capable people out there. I feel like I'm not capable enough and there are many people who can replace me. I'm worried about whether I have the ability to meet the expectations of my partner. When I work, I aim to be the best as possible, but I'm not sure if it's really the best until it's recognized by others. I effort not to disappoint people.
And I often get anxious about if people hate me. I check directly from time to time. For example, my friend seemed to be avoiding me so I asked another friend, "Did she say something bad about me?" I can't usually trust my speculation. I was relieved to hear that nothing had been said to me. If I had been told anything, I would have done anything to keep her from abandoning me. But rarely. Believing what is not actually happening only makes me suffer, so I try to distract myself by immersing myself in something. If I can't find it, I feel so bad. I don't want to stay in anxiety.

8. Describe how you respond to each of:

a) stress

Anyway I try to forget it. If that is difficult, I need to find something to distract. I'm reluctant to show anger. I never want my anger to destroy good relationships.
I'm silent to control my inner self in situations where I can't distract myself from other things. Others will be able to feel my little anger shown in my face and attitude as it is difficult for me to avoid feeling angry in such situations. It's hard to act cautiously when I'm angry. I need time to settle down.

b) unexpected change
It confuses me. First I look around to understand what the situation is. If you still don't know, I'll look it up or ask someone nearby. I find the most appropriate way by understanding the situation.
I want to know what's happening right now before I know what to do. I'm uncomfortable being instructed to do something for no reason. First of all, I want to understand.

c) conflict
I hate it very much. When I see someone being attacked or accused, I feel their pain. I try to get rid of it. I will arbitrate depending on the situation. I'm scared to be criticized, but I think it's worse to leave the conflict as it is. I try to listen both sides. Those who don't talk at this time to keep it private annoy me. I want to help them somehow.
I got mixed feelings when I heard that it was better to stay in conflict because I think any conflict is a problem to solve.

9. Describe your orientation to:

a) authority

Laws and police are necessary for safety. And I appreciate them unless there is abuse of authority such as police violence.
I don't rebel against authority. Even if I rebel, It's very difficult to stop or change. Rebellion against authority has no meaning other than showing my curse.

b) power
I dislike hierarchies. I hate being controlled and I value equality. I like an environment where people's opinions are respected on an equal footing. However, I'm aware of the hierarchical relationship and follow them. That's why I'm suffering situations where I can't say what I think.

10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?

Life is a mission given to mankind. Everything has a reason, one of which is why we were born. We seek out why we were born through various experiences. It's an adventure full of possibilities. There are many things in the world that we don't yet know. We need to find them to live better. And we have to find the answer through life.
People are multifaceted and complex. Each of us is doing good, but unfortunately the difference in thinking causes evil and we fight and hurt each other. We hate and resent. We impose our desires. All of us are selfish in different ways. We want mutual understanding, but the time to fully understand all of us will never come. It's an eternally unsolvable problem, and it may be our fate.

11. Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.

The long experience of loneliness awakened my introversion. The most important thing in school life for me was good relationships. The fact that I couldn't have any relationships afflicted me very much.
I dreamed of having many fun experiences with many friends before entering high school. Thanks to my positivity, I have made some close friends. During this time I had such a good time that I wanted to stay at school all the time.
As the grade changed, I was in a different class from them, but I believed that the friendship would continue. I went to see them many times. At this time I failed to make friends in my class and I couldn't fit into my class. But they had new friends. And I was told by them that I wasn't needed by them. They insulted me for not being able to spend time alone.
My classmates saw me being alone and repeatedly rumored, "What happened to her relationship with them?" I didn't want to hear it. It was a shame for me to have no friends, and above all I didn't want to admit that they were no longer my friends. I was very concerned about how people looked at me in such a state. I feel like air in school and there seems to be an indestructible wall between others and me, and I suffered. I tried to concentrate on reading, drawing, or something so as not to worry about the surroundings, but I couldn't. At last I couldn't bear this suffering and refused to go to school. I was immersed in pleasure to forget everything about school.
I felt lonely. But I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone anymore. I surfed the internet and read the blogs of people who had similar experiences to me. I connected with them in my heart and that was the only support for me. To feel the connection, I listened to countless sad stories, sad songs, and immersed in tragic. The sadness was pleasant because it brought me relief that I was not really alone.
Then I enjoyed the drama that emotions unfolded inside me. I hate eternal pessimism, but "believing in hope at the end and enduring pain" seems fascinating.
Through this experience, I learned the joy of facing my inner self. I started to fantasize about utopia. It's difficult for me to do in reality, because my mind voice says, "The best way to lose nothing is to get nothing." I started to be afraid to lose. I've found a reliance on the inner world where all promises are kept, not the outside world where I don't know what will happen. Well, this means I'm looking for relationships and at the same time afraid of acting to do that.

12. Comment on your relationship with trust.

I'm afraid of people, but I still open my heart easily. I'm reserved at first, but when I judge it to be reliable by gut feeling I can tell a lot about my private to the first person I meet. I think I'm not cautious, but I don't know how to be cautious other than silence. How can I doubt a person? It's an area unknown to me.
Betrayal is the only way I lose trust. I'm afraid of betrayal, but I don't know how to spot someone who is likely to betray. I don't deeply ponder dark sides of people. Anxiety about something uncertain is annoying to me.

I usually tend to trust outside because I'm often uncertain about my inner self. I even ask others what I really want. (But I sometimes can be strong-willed. I don't want to compromise at that time. I can be stubborn.) I trust people and doubt myself. Unknowingly I think what is outside is more certain. I feel like I'm looking for someone to say what I want to say instead of me somewhere, and if I find them, I tend to think it's acceptable and correct. I am very gullible.

13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.

a) like

  • I have my own aesthetic that is different from popularity and I'm proud of it.
  • I can confidently say I like what I like regardless of what others like.
  • I rarely speak ill of people.
  • I trust people (unless I'm unhealthy).
  • I value friendship and never betray my friends.
  • I try to stand by those who have been oppressed and to help them.

b) dislike
  • I lack the endurance to do things I don't want to do.
  • I get annoyed easily when things don't go my way.
  • I'm not good at pondering serious issues.
  • I'm fickle and my statements are often inconsistent.
  • I'm insensitive to the needs of others.
  • I can easily feel lonely in a group and want to escape.

14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?

Many people seem content with flattery. I'm looking for true love, not superficial love, and I somehow understand how it manifests itself in attitudes without words. In other words, I know that love can be conveyed without words.

15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?

If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel?

I wonder why that person can be so rude and I get frustrated. I ignore the person, get away from them, and blame them in my heart.

What if they compliment you?
I'm glad. They don't know much about me, so it doesn't affect me much, but it still cheers me up!

16. What's something you are: a) thankful you have; b) wish you could have? Why?

a) thankful you have

These are written in 13 "Like" lists. I'm mostly thankful for my kindness and aesthetic taste! Why? Isn't that wonderful?! Kindness can make others happy! Aesthetic taste can satisfy myself!

b) wish you could have?
The ability to accurately perceive the needs of others. I want to help people but my actions are often misleading :,(
I think if I had it, I would have made friends with many people.

  • My MBTI type is ESFP.
  • I think I'm most relevant to core 2. I want to be loved and needed by people. I'm fearful of being hated by others and care about how others see me. I've even withdrew to avoid the image of "a hated person without friends". I seek people's positive attention and I feel loved when someone tells me I'm an important person.
  • I think my tritype is 2w3-6w7-9w8, but I also think I have 4w3 fix and 7w6 fix. I'm sure that my gut is 9w8.
  • My instinctual variant type is sx/sp or sp/sx. I'm most relevant to sx. I think I'm so-last. I prefer one-on-one to large groups. I don't know if this means I'm sx-first. I definitely prioritize sx over so. I've made more friends by getting to know each other. I prefer to find people to make friends with, and when I'm invited by a large group, I usually feel isolated. I don't know if I'm sx-first because the more closed friends, the more happy I am. I'm not sure where my self-preservation is. It sounds like first because I want to avoid my own danger, but in fact I hurt my health by over-concentration. I prioritize keeping my comfort over socializing. Probably I'm sx> sp> so.
  • But Sexual 2 doesn't fit me. Self-Preservation 2 fits me so much. I want love, but I don't try to get it forcibly. I've never tried to control people. I deal with frustration by meeting my self-preserving needs, such as eating and sleeping, instead of forcing people to thank me. If possible, I want to be loved because of my existence. From an early age, I have longed for a people who can help people just by living (like entertainers and artists who invigorate many people). I wonder how good it would be if my existence gave someone the energy to live. It's great to do what I love and be helpful. It seems self-preserving 2.
  • I used to consider myself 4w3, but I don't think I'm related to core 4. I seek strong emotions, not deep emotions. I want to be seen as a unique person, but the definition of "unique" is inconsistent. I don't have a clear image of myself that I want to be seen. Rather I don't know myself well. So I dislike myself who has no identity and seek it.
  • So far many have said I look like 9, but I disagree. A stable life is too boring. I want excitement rather than calm. A life where I can be absorbed in something is wonderful. I hate the feeling of being empty on the inside. I want to fill it with something. It sounds more 7ish. I don't want to lose my identity. I have a lot of favorites inside and I'm very scared to lose them. I don't always feel happy when others are happy. I often feel separated from the happy people, feel lonely, and envy them. It sounds more 4ish.
  • I considered myself as 7 for a little while and just quit. When I say "things will be going well", I mean "nothing looks bad" rather than a good "things must be going well". I'm happy when I see only the bright sides, but have been disappointed many times when I have noticed the dark side. And people who tell me funny stories when I'm depressed irritate me. My feelings are important and I dislike people who always ignore them. When I'm sad, I immerse in sadness for a while. Ignoring sadness hurts me more than sadness. It's hard for me to try to entertain people when there's a bad atmosphere around me. I'm more fearful of being criticized than being bitter. I know not everyone just wants fun. I don't try to force people around me. I can devote myself to one thing for a long time. If I find something that moves me deeply, I can devote myself to it for an average of three years. I'm looking for fun, not novelty. As long as it satisfies me, I don't need to look for other possibilities. I act quickly when I find something interesting, but it's hard for me to act when I can't find it. (In other words, the more bored I am, the more calm I am. This is the opposite of 7!)
  • Some people have said that I look like 3. I'm 3ish because I'm sometimes confident, but not related to core 3. I want to be proud of myself for being happy, not competing. I hate comparing people. I don't think winning is everything. I wasn't happy when I won sports. I felt it was bad to be happy to see someone lose. The people on the team were happy, but I was full of apologetics. I want to success without hurting someone, that's why I value my own standard. I want to be proud to be beautiful by my standards. I don't want to be judged by public standards. I don't want anyone to see me as ugly and I don't want to see anyone as such. People who are always trying to decide between the best and the worst annoy me. I hope a world where everyone can be proud of themselves in different ways.

After writing this, I thought I might be 9w8-7w6-4w3 sx/sp. I still can't give up on the possibility of 7w6. My childhood was definitely 7ish. I was a restless, playful and picky child. However, due to the trigger written in 11, I am very 9ish in public now. When I have a long conversation with someone, I feel tired, sleepy, and empty inside. It seems that I want to avoid seeing my inner side and everything that disturbs me (as possible). I want both calmness and exhilaration. I'm not sure which one I want more.
I need help knowing my core fear! 7, 9, or possibly 2. However, I don't think I'm a super positive type like 279 or 379. Somewhere 4 or 6. I'm not sure.
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