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Hello dear Enneagram 4

I have a few questions for you. I must admit I have a real hard time to be friend with enneagram 4, I usually avoid them, and I can see that other enneagram like 9 and 2 can be good friends with enneagram 4.

How often do you admit your mistakes, how often you say "sorry it's my fault"?

How often do you criticize your partner, always seeing what they did wrong and not what they did right? How do you feel about this?

How do you manage your mood swings, one day i'm madly in love with you, the other i hate you, you're the worst husband ever?

How do you think of a relationship with no breakups threat? Do you find it boring?

How often do you wake up with the "i'm not in a good mood" thing, should we just ignore you at these moments? Do you have the ability to know that this mood is only caused by you? Can you prevent yourself from taking any serious decision during those moments?

Finally how often did you talk about a matter without talking about your feelings or your life, how do you deal with talking about something else then yourself? is it frustrating?

Thank you very much.
 

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Hi there, happy to help! I'm a guy with a live in girlfriend of two years and we'll probably get engaged soon.

Admitting mistakes: I will admit that this can be difficult. Most arguments with my significant other get into actual argument territory because neither of us like to back down. I myself hate saying something is my fault when I don't honestly believe this is the case even though I know it will end the fight. I strive to be authentic and don't like just telling people what they want to hear. Because of this I am careful to avoid topics that I know can be sticking points with my girlfriend. It takes immense effort and kinda makes me mad, but there have been a few times where I've sucked it up and said I've made a mistake even when I haven't believed it - sometimes it's just the better choice but it never gets easier.

Criticizing: I would probably do this more to her if she took it better - just like me, my girlfriend takes most criticism poorly. I wish I could criticize more sometimes - I'd like to ask her to clean or cook more often because I feel like I do it a ton, for example. She even gets irritated when I tell her that her breath is bad... What I usually have to do these days is thank her profusely and show my appreciation when she does do something I appreciate so she forms a positive connotation with doing these things.

Mood swings: Sometimes I do wake up kinda wishing she did things a little differently or her idiosyncrasies just seem annoying instead of cute for a while. But this one isn't a problem: a long time ago I realized relationships are like the ebb and flow of an ocean's tide. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but if it's the right relationship, you'll never be down for too long. I can honestly never say I've felt like I hate her, and I think if I ever did feel that way, I'd end the relationship. Which leads to -

Breakup threat: This sounds awful in general and terrible for relationships. I will say I came close to ending my relationship once but this was mostly a fear-of-commitment thing. If someone threatens to break up multiple times I think that's very unhealthy and they must be very unhappy or immature.

Wrong side of the bed: I do wake up grumpy some days but I don't take it out on her. I vent to her like she does to me sometimes but I do know that if I was feeling negative and was expressing this to her the number one thing that will make me feel worse is being ignored. That's just me though. If I vent for more than 5 minutes I almost always stop myself and apologize for being negative and she gives me a kiss and I'm feeling better. I never make big decisions when upset and I think this should be a rule everyone tries to follow.

Talking without mentioning my feelings/life: I'm probably terrible about this. As a 4, one of my top priorities is being authentic and sincere. Because of this I bring up my feelings a lot. I've been told many times to stop making everything about me. It can be hard. Currently working on it. Yes it's frustrating to be told I'm being selfish by bringing up my own feelings but I understand why she says so sometimes.

Hope things work out with your friend!
 

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Hello dear Enneagram 4

I have a few questions for you. I must admit I have a real hard time to be friend with enneagram 4, I usually avoid them, and I can see that other enneagram like 9 and 2 can be good friends with enneagram 4.

How often do you admit your mistakes, how often you say "sorry it's my fault"?

How often do you criticize your partner, always seeing what they did wrong and not what they did right? How do you feel about this?

How do you manage your mood swings, one day i'm madly in love with you, the other i hate you, you're the worst husband ever?

How do you think of a relationship with no breakups threat? Do you find it boring?

How often do you wake up with the "i'm not in a good mood" thing, should we just ignore you at these moments? Do you have the ability to know that this mood is only caused by you? Can you prevent yourself from taking any serious decision during those moments?

Finally how often did you talk about a matter without talking about your feelings or your life, how do you deal with talking about something else then yourself? is it frustrating?

Thank you very much.
1. The type one in my tritype absolutely hates admitting a wrong on my part. But I'm still able to. I usually excessively justify myself, because if I don't, I end up feeling corrupted and that's one of my biggest fears. If it involves saving a relationship, however, I can quickly and readily admit to my wrongs and discuss ways to improve. All I will say is I've taken more blame than I deserved in the past for the sake of my friendships.

2. I feel because my type one in my tritype is sexual first (yes tritypes have instincts, lol), I overly criticize my partners. The more I care about you or the more I'm closer to you, the more I criticize you and try to better you. And it's this raging passion for an ideal that I feel is absent but could be easily attained. But in terms of being type four, I easily feel disappointed. If not by partners then by life in general. However, I don't think this pertains to people close to me who don't intend on hurting me. Only when I know the intent is to harm me.

3. My mood swings are not that strong. I usually am fine or have a diffused feeling of sadness. But I do not necessarily take it out on people around me, or even my external environment. The most impact it has on the people in my life is when I excessively impose the discussion of why I'm feeling down onto them, especially in search for solutions. But I'm working on keeping my troubles private.

4. I'm a very loyal person. So I like secure relationships. And if and when they end, I appreciate not having enemies.

5. My bad moods are not caused for no reason. Very rarely am I like, oh let me be sad today because there's nothing else that comes to mind. My bad moods are caused because I react to things. Either thoughts or situations, and I get very strong emotional reactions. Help me stabilize during those moments. I will be inhibited when it comes to doing any actual work, and genuinely want to attend to figuring my feelings out before anything. It depends on how withdrawn I get. But generally if you help me with that, it'd be appreciated.

6. I feel like I don't genuinely care about others as much as I wished I did. But I always am concerned with how I feel.
 

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Important side note, the sevens in my life legitimately do not get why I "allow" myself to get so down. Even when I have a legitimate problem that I'm trying to work on. But this makes sense, cause they themselves run away from their problems and inner world by exploring life's pleasure and opportunities.

The thing is we fours need to make meaning out of experiences and understand emotions. It's not that I'm allowing myself to be this way, I have no choice. The first thing I do when I feel a bad emotion is sit down and figure out why I'm feeling this way, and how to feel better. I am consumed by my emotional reactions, and I attend to my inner world before anything else.
 

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Hi there,

How often do you admit your mistakes, how often you say "sorry it's my fault"?
tbh I do this all the time. I have a hard time with the idea of arrogance or seeming arrogant (the deeper into self-awareness I go, the more I start to see that there is a pinch of this in me though) and always feel a need to apologize if I feel I've done something wrong. There have been times when the other person didn't think it was important for me to apologize at all. I'm very aware of my mistakes (whether real or imagined) and quite good at analyzing which of my mistakes led to which situation. Maybe overly so. I ruminate about past mistakes a lot.

How often do you criticize your partner, always seeing what they did wrong and not what they did right? How do you feel about this?
I'm in my first real relationship and so far there hasn't been almost any criticism on either side :p I'm a very live-and-let-live person, however I know that there is an emotional need sometimes to get out stuff you honestly feel about another person, lest it build up and spill over (by way of passive-aggressiveness etc). Arguments can be healthy, however I personally have a distaste for them.

How do you manage your mood swings, one day i'm madly in love with you, the other i hate you, you're the worst husband ever?
I kinda just roll with the tides...??? I honestly in all my years have yet to find a proper method that REALLY works for me in terms of my mood swings. There are things I do that do alleviate them sometimes, such as writing, watching television (yes lol), and most importantly, talking to people (especially those I'm close to). However it is very difficult for me to truly let them go.

How do you think of a relationship with no breakups threat? Do you find it boring?
Am I understanding correctly that what you mean by this is about being in a relationship that isn't likely to break up any time soon? Well, like I said, I have little experience with relationships, but I can imagine it depends on the person and the dynamics of the relationship. Certainly I hate boredom, but I'm sure I'd be able to figure out things to alleviate it within the relationship.

How often do you wake up with the "i'm not in a good mood" thing, should we just ignore you at these moments? Do you have the ability to know that this mood is only caused by you? Can you prevent yourself from taking any serious decision during those moments?
It happens quite a lot and my mood can change quickly during the course of my day. Yes, I'm aware that a lot of times my feelings are caused by my thinking, but I just find it incredibly difficult to consciously control the way I feel or think. I'm someone who experiences a lot of thoughts, feelings, emotions and moods as things that sort of "happen" to me, rather than things I have conscious control over. I know it's possible and I do attempt it - like I said, certain methods DO work from time to time, other times though I just roll with it and pity myself :p

Finally how often did you talk about a matter without talking about your feelings or your life, how do you deal with talking about something else then yourself? is it frustrating?
It's rather hard for me to dissociate myself from a conversation topic or my feelings about a subject. I find it difficult to talk about politics and things like that, for instance. My ideal self is someone who can carry (almost) any conversation, but my reality is that I'm not like that. I don't feel a need to incessantly talk about myself, but as a 4, I naturally tend to see things from a point of view where I am sort of self-consciously AWARE that my point of view is mine and that it comes from me and no one else. I do enjoy objective conversation in my psychology class tho, for instance.

Hope you got something informative out of that :)
 

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How often do you admit your mistakes, how often you say "sorry it's my fault"?

I'm very aware of my mistakes and I can have a hard time admitting them if I'm going to be embarassed for it, otherwise I can easily admit a mistake.


How often do you criticize your partner, always seeing what they did wrong and not what they did right? How do you feel about this?

I can focus on the negatives easily, but I've learned that it can get tiring for both of us not just my partner but for myself as well, in these moments I just try to be laid back and be less rigid. How I feel about it? I wouldn't want to be under that kind of scrutiny so I refrain from drowning others in it, even when I'm aware of it. I do weigh the pros and cons and see which has more.



How do you manage your mood swings, one day i'm madly in love with you, the other i hate you, you're the worst husband ever?

I've never had a mood swing where I'm madly in love then not, it's usually I'm madly in love and hurt by the person, it hurts more because I'm in love with them. With friends though, I could love them and then they do something that really pisses me off and for at least 5 seconds I envision murdering or harming them, this isn't something I want to do just the feeling of intense emotions in the moment. For me it is an internal mood swing that isn't always noticed and I have to deal with on my own, so I manage it by trying to suppress any evidence of it, until it's too late. And then I murder my friends, lol no, but sometimes I will act irrationally.


How do you think of a relationship with no breakups threat? Do you find it boring?

No, I value security because my emotions are too extreme I don't think I could handle a relationship like that. A relationship that is boring to me is when there is no feeling of romance present at least a decent portion of the time. And one that never experiences a moment or two of intense romance, forget about it. I can't understand relationships where two people live together and just eat under the same roof and have sex and that's it.



How often do you wake up with the "i'm not in a good mood" thing, should we just ignore you at these moments? Do you have the ability to know that this mood is only caused by you? Can you prevent yourself from taking any serious decision during those moments?

Yes, this has happened a number of times, not often though. Sometimes I don't even know why, and I search for why, perhaps it is just me. It's best to treat me as normal and not ignore me. Trying to address the problem isn't good since I don't know what it is. These times I usually just autopilot through the day or isolate myself, I can't make important decisions or focus well in those states.
If I trust you, at some point I'll tell you the problem once i've figured it out.



Finally how often did you talk about a matter without talking about your feelings or your life, how do you deal with talking about something else then yourself? is it frustrating?


I'm an Fi-dom as well as type 4, everything is self referenced, even if I'm not talking about myself I'm still speaking from a subjective experience I had, that's the only way I can communicate my knowledge about something, is if I have experienced it. Talking about something other than myself isn't frustration and can be relaxing, after sometime I get tired of talking about myself lol. I do enjoy it though.
 

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How often do you admit your mistakes, how often you say "sorry it's my fault"?
I try to do so every single time; I'm always aware that anything I say/do which isn't based entirely on fact could be flawed in some way, and so by paying attention to this and apologising when necessary, I actually find having to admit to being wrong and rectifying things accordingly not a very difficult process, even if it does suck (I mean, nobody likes being wrong do they?)

How often do you criticize your partner, always seeing what they did wrong and not what they did right? How do you feel about this?
Constructively. I am in a relationship with a very sensitive type, and yes, I do pick up on mistakes/wrongs quite a lot, but I'm less concerned with why/how that makes a person inferior, and more concerned with offering a perspective that highlights the issue in a more compassionate and constructive way that might improve what I see as being 'wrong' (it's like a healthier approach to dealing with expecting too much of people's behaviour).

How do you manage your mood swings, one day i'm madly in love with you, the other i hate you, you're the worst husband ever?
I don't suffer mood swings that much (I consider myself quite level-headed for a type 4) but when I do, I calmly let whoever it concerns know that I'm in a bad mood, and take myself away to deal with it privately - it doesn't usually last long. I'm with a very emotional partner who suffers strong mood swings, and I think I've learned a little of how to better control my own emotions through her.

How do you think of a relationship with no breakups threat? Do you find it boring?
Assuming you mean "Do you find safe relationships boring?" - not in the slightest; I seek to create and maintain a long-lasting relationship with a strong foundation (I'm in one now, have been for five years, and it's super-good).

How often do you wake up with the "i'm not in a good mood" thing, should we just ignore you at these moments? Do you have the ability to know that this mood is only caused by you? Can you prevent yourself from taking any serious decision during those moments?
I never wake up 'on the wrong side of the bed', and I can't stand it when people do.

Finally how often did you talk about a matter without talking about your feelings or your life, how do you deal with talking about something else then yourself? is it frustrating?
Hahaha - it sounds like you have quite the problem with type 4s :) I use my own views and experiences as a frame of reference quite a lot when talking about anything subjective, but I'm quite happy to talk objectively also without turning the attention on myself (I actually rather enjoy not having to talk at all sometimes, usually when somebody is talking in depth about something I don't know much about.)

I hope that insight was of some interest to you! Good luck liking type 4s a bit more :)
 

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Hi there, I know how it feels to have a hard time approaching to some certain types so as a core 4 (with maybe a 5 and 8 as additional fixes) , I hope this will help you. But I still wonder why do you have some hard times approaching E4s ? Most of them that I've encountered; They might seem a little dreamy, living in their head, but once you get to be friends with them they have a potential to form a deep connection of friendship with you.

How often do you admit your mistakes, how often you say "sorry it's my fault"?
At work; When something goes wrong and I do not know whose fault were to blame , I say "Sorry , it might be my fault." I'd say this more than an average people. It's not really a self-blaming sentence but it's to stay polite. But when I did something wrong , I'd be honest to them and said to them directly that I did wrong. However, if it's not my fault , I stood my ground and say it's not my fault. I tell it as it is.

How often do you criticize your partner, always seeing what they did wrong and not what they did right? How do you feel about this?
I don't often give people critiques unless they ask for it. I don't really care if they did it right or wrong honestly. Unless if irritates the people around them or myself to a moderate level , or if I see a potential threats to them / our relationship if they continues doing it.

How do you manage your mood swings, one day i'm madly in love with you, the other i hate you, you're the worst husband ever?
This is one of the hardest challenge in my life. It's like if you're not aware of yourself and your emotions , you'll lose control in your emotional roller coaster. I'm sure a lot of four had hard times controlling an emotion, there's a lot of feelings going on in their head, some tries to hide it and some are not afraid to express it. Funny thing is that I once told my partner "If I don't hate you, that means I don't love you." (But basically I don't hate them, I love them. It is to admit that sometimes I hate them too , one of the reason of deep hatred is because I envied them so much in some aspects) Sometimes, a lot of times, I can feel an overwhelming love and hate feelings against the same individual at the same time. But trust me, it's not as bad as "My feelings against you are now faded, I'm done with you."

How do you think of a relationship with no breakups threat? Do you find it boring?
This is just what I wanted. It's way better than a relationship with breakup threat. I agree with Johnpoe here that these kinds of relationship is just unhealthy.

How often do you wake up with the "i'm not in a good mood" thing, should we just ignore you at these moments? Do you have the ability to know that this mood is only caused by you? Can you prevent yourself from taking any serious decision during those moments?
A lot. But well I think it depends on the individual , they may appreciate if you ask 'Do you want some company?' If they want your support or at least a friend to be by they would say so once you ask. For me I have the ability to know that the mood is caused by myself (and belive that most fours do), I tried not making serious decision during these moments , but sometimes I seemed to lose control to these moody moments.

Finally how often did you talk about a matter without talking about your feelings or your life, how do you deal with talking about something else then yourself? is it frustrating?
My four self says they secretly kinda do. But good thing we have tritypes :tongue: Good thing we don't operate with only a single enneagram types, I am able to cut off from my feelings and talk about matters without feelings included, with a five wing, it is not hard to detach oneself from an emotional side. In fact I generally don't talk about my feelings unless speaking with very close friends or partner .But I must admit it is kinda frustrating to listen to someone talking all about themselves every time you talk to them.

Hope it helps, it there's anything you wish to ask further on , don't be afraid to do so!
 
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