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firstly, this is the first time I've ever posted here! hello INFPs! you are the most awesome and beautiful creatures in my world :laughing:


anyways, recently, an INFP (tested) named P and I were having our conversation, I noticed that the way she talked was very different from that of others. I like her (romantically) and I wanna know how can we communicate effectively as I realized that an INFJ's communication style differ from INFP's.

what does it mean when an INFP keeps talking about themselves? like, every time I initiate a conversation topic, she'd go on and on about her opinions on it and never asks about mine.



example:
me: I plan to move to ABC in the future, life here in 123 is too hectic. life'd be meaningless if I keep wasting my time here doing something I dislike.
P
: you know, here in XYZ is awesome! the air is fresh and I just love it here! haha!


she makes me feel invisible, somehow :unsure: does not caring about my opinions mean that she doesn't like me? or is this your nature?

your response will be greatly appreciated. thanks for reading :)
 

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Awe Well personally for me if i'm divulging information about myself,even if awkwardly ( as it usually is) it means that I like you in some way.I don't think she was trying to make you feel invisible at all but rather offering you advice,trying to relate with you and giving you little bits of information about herself.I wouldn't worry about it if I were you,or take it the wrong way : )
 

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^
I agree.

When I like a person I tend to do the same thing without realizing at first. It's like when I talk passionately about a subject I love, except this time It could be about anything really.
I later realize it can be perceived wrong.. like I'm selfish or don't care about the other. But it's not the case at all!

I'd say, don't change your way of communication. Keep giving your opinion and talking about yourself.
Just because she doesn't explicitly approve or comment doesn't mean she doesn't care, I think.
If she didn't care, she wouldn't reveal herself at all. :)
 

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Oh I noticed that on myself, even recently... not at all, and it's also not she being self-absorbed. I am not selfish, but I love talking about the things I like and appreciate a lot! If anything, she's being authentic, and if that's how she really feels (which I suspect it is) it may be a sign that she cares, ironically enough (depends, but sharing a lot about oneself and one's own values means that you feel comfortable being yourself around that person-which for an INFP is basically ultimate trust, rather than just "talking about oneself.")

After posting the above, I've come to realize that the reason I am prone to do such things (talk at length) is because I rarely get the chance to do it. Now, I am not in the least ashamed of being myself, but I won't talk about precious things if they won't be appreciated, and I have pretty good insight with whom sharing may be worth it, and it's not a majority-not even many friends would qualify. Talking this much about our passions-knowing we won't be reprimanded or found "weird" just because we are being authentic-and ourselves is rather refreshing, and we'll probably are not in the least not paying attention to your thoughts, but perhaps just feel quite happy to be in your understanding presence (surely I'll remember your words and preferences, as I am a pretty great listener when all is said and done.)
 

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Your example sounds like something I would say, ahaha. If I'm comfortable enough then I like making random, quirky comments and jokes like that. I think I can come off as a bit apathetic towards what other people think and their ideas, and then run off with my own anecdotes but I think this is just because I like to relate and truly engage with what I am discussing - and including my own ideas is my way of showing that to others.

INFPs can be notorious for being closed and detached so if you've got your INFP regularly talking to you and opening up like that I think you're doing well. Keep up the good word lad - or love, whatever it is :p and I hope things work out well for you :)
 

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Maybe she was trying to be optimistic or show you another view in another light. Not that she was dismissing you, but showing you the other way to cheer you up. Or she feels differently than you and voiced it.

I also talk about myself more when I like someone. If it's too much about her, then let her know somehow.
 

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When I'm around people I'm really comfortable with I automatically start talking about myself even though I know I should be more focused on the other person :eek: It's actually a way for me to try and get closer to someone because otherwise it's gonna end up with me knowing way more about that person than that person knows about me, that's how secret my life is (since it's mostly spent at home xD) With people I'm not so comfortable with I won't tell them anything about me unless they ask (and even so, it'll be a really vague reply) because I feel like if I expose too much, they won't like me, or might think I'm a freak, so on and so on.

Sometimes it could also be that I'm reminded of something that means a lot to me, so I start rambling on about it because the feeling I get from that is strong and I want to share it with the other person! For example, if someone tells me about how scary the possibility that they might fail an exam is, I might suddenly remember having felt the same way, but then I'd get so happy over how it turned out differently and I'd share that with the person. It may seem like I'm bragging, but all I'm trying to tell that person is that it can happen to them too so they shouldn't worry too much! But again, I'd only dare to do things like this around people I'm comfortable with! :D
 

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Hmm... honestly I don't think I can really relate to this particular INFP's way of talking about herself.

I realize that I often just write/talk about myself too, like right now (hahahahaha), but when I write things through my perspective, I do it as a way to offer one input, which hopefully helps in answering the question, as the question doesn't seem to be the kind that needs deductive reasoning to solve. (Inductive reasoning FTW!)

Of course it's possible that she's trying to do the same thing. Maybe what she meant is, "Wha?? I think it's awesome to live here, because the air is fresh. Don't you think so too, or is that not important to you?" Or maybe that's not what she meant. I know I've been pissed off at certain people just by their way of delivering their opinions (e.g. as if it's the truth, or by changing the topic when they're about to lose the argument so that they don't have to admit that their opinion was completely illogical *coughcoughSJscough*), even though I know that their intention may be a lot better than what their speech make it seem. But when they keep doing it every fricking time, it just gets to you, and make you question if they are considerate enough to think about what you think.

Having said that, sometimes it occurs to me that perhaps I'm a bit too detached and ignorant of others. It may not be revealed by my speech, but perhaps by my general obliviousness and lack of action (e.g. when a classmate I'm sort of close to is absent, I didn't contact them to show my concern. Err, now I realize that people appreciate it when you do that, so I try to do it more.) So maybe, she's just kinda lacking certain social skills/experience, but that doesn't mean that she can't learn to develop them. Maybe if it's really starting to bother you, you can ask her if she really is ignoring you. Gotta do that nicely of course.
 

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Personally, I think she is trying to impress you by always talking about herself. If she is trying to impress you, then she likes you. She is trying to show you herself to see if you like it.

I can totally see how this would make you feel invisible. I don't think she realizes she is doing it though. She is probably listening to you intently and thinking about what you are saying. Yet she doesn't know how to respond to make that known to you. Instead, she takes what you are saying and applies it to herself. In a way, she is listening, but she is taking what she hears and running it through her mind to see how she feels about it. That's what I do all the time with everything. I just don't usually vocalize that. She is vocalizing it, so that means she is comfortable with you and probably wanting to expose little bits of herself to you to see if you like it.

I would say, yes, that is a little self-centered. What she needs to do is realize the effect this is having on you and make a conscious effort to include you in her remarks. It really needs to be a conscious effort. She needs to be aware that she is making you feel invisible by not acknowledging your opinions and stuff. When she realizes she is doing this, I bet she will make a 180 degree turn in how she talks with you. She probably doesn't want to come across as self-centered and is not aware that she is. If you told her, it would make her more aware. It might hurt her feelings at first, but I think it's probably something she needs to hear. If she's smart, she take it as constructive criticism and apply it to not only your conversations but with others.
 

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Idk, in my opinion P's response is kinda rude. You're talking about something that matters to you a lot, and she's just like "oh yeah well here's my opinion on something related that focuses on my tastes and likings".

I personally don't do that with friends. If she never asks your opinion on subject A, B or C while she talks about how she feels about them, then I'd say she's too self-absorbed to care about what you might think.
 

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Idk, in my opinion P's response is kinda rude. You're talking about something that matters to you a lot, and she's just like "oh yeah well here's my opinion on something related that focuses on my tastes and likings".

I personally don't do that with friends. If she never asks your opinion on subject A, B or C while she talks about how she feels about them, then I'd say she's too self-absorbed to care about what you might think.
Though that may very well be the case, knowing I am not all about me, me, me and have nevertheless acted similarly, it may very well be she being comfortable and sharing about her ideas and life freely. I will still ask questions about how the other person feels, but often catch myself talking "too much"... which in all honesty is feeling free to be myself and share without inhibition (which is quite a wonderful thing of course.) I can see how it could become a problem, but not necessarily so-in short, it wouldn't be wise to pigeon-hole this behavior to a self-absorbed person (I care 100% about what the other person thinks, and can't accuse myself of being selfish in that way, even though I can speak too much when feeling comfortable.)

(It is worth to be noted that I don't do that THAT often, since I rarely get to feel that comfortable one-on-one with anyone! It's nice when it happens.) :)

I didn't mean to diminish the point of your post though. I understand there are people that only speak about themselves and like hearing themselves talk out of arrogance, who also don't care a bit about what the other person at all. My point is not that what you say is impossible, but that it also is not always the case.

(Ms. Ethylester was also right in the following quote (at least, as far as has been my case):

"She is trying to show you herself to see if you like it."

Feeling free to verbally "reveal" my true self in front of someone is not a gift I freely give away to just anyone.)
 

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For me -- when I am with friends, they do most of the talking. Here at PerCafe, I do the talking, I think because I'm in *writing mode* (OH LOOK! 6500+ posts!).

I guess it just depends on which INFP you come in contact with.

Ahhh.. I just thought of something -- if I am with someone who is not talking at all, I will start to ask questions and talk a little more to fill in the spaces. If they go on without talking and I've tried to fill in the spaces, then I will shut up and we will sit there, both of us, in glorious silence.
 

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I totally do that and I'm not proud :unsure: I always wish to ask people about themselves, but I just never do it when I'm finally in a situation, and I only talk about me me me me (I find myself annoying when I do this) almost unconsciously.
The reason (for me, I have no idea about other INFPs) is that I have no idea what to say to the other person. Like if you told me "I love yellow", I would just listen and that's it. But there'd be an awkward silence if I didn't respond, right? So the only thing that comes to mind is to say "Me too" or "I hate it" bringing the conversation to myself. I do this because I have no advice to give, nothing useful comes to mind, and I dislike asking people questions because I feel like I'm being nosy, so I get agitated inside thinking that if I don't say something- anything- when it's my turn to talk, it's just going to be an awkward silence, and all I can think to do is talk about myself, relate your story to something personal of mine. It has nothing to do with wanting to impress or anything, and the last thing I want to do is be rude to the person. It's just the famous awkwardness that INFPs seem to be famous for, well one of the ways my awkwardness manifests is by being unable to say something appropriate when someone is talking about their life. I disguise my awkwardness with some kind of overcompensating confidence, when in reality all I want to do is just nod at your story and say nothing. Maybe your friend has no idea what to tell you or ask you and is trying to fill the silences, who knows.
 
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I want to add that, this happens to me when I like a person AND I feel very comfortable with her. Usually when I first (romantically) like someone, I will be the polar opposite and be extremely shy..
Only when I feel at ease will I keep talking about myself and later want to slap me in the face when I realize I behaved like that.
 

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I agree with pretty much everyone's opinion here so far. The only thing I can really add is that as aggravating as it may seem, you really shouldn't let yourself get too upset or question her feelings toward you based solely on what sounds like her poor, and most likely underutilized conversational skills. I'm sure she isn't overshadowing your opinions or behaving this way on purpose. It's actually quite the opposite. If she truly is an INFP, I have a feeling that while she would never intentionally dominate the conversation in a selfish way, she probably has some sense of what she'd doing and is just as annoyed by it as you are, but due to the rarity of prolonged social interactions somewhere other than in her head, she has no idea how get past her awkwardness and control the unstoppable "word vomit" issuing forth from her mouth.

Believe me, I've been there.

On more than one occasion...

Like every time I talk to my best friend who lives several hours away on the phone a few times a year. It's terrible and so unlike me, but thankfully she seems to understand that rather than the rude selfishness it would appear to be to someone who doesn't know me, it's really the ultimate, albeit backwards, compliment. I want... No I NEED to Talk... actually TALK ... about ME... with HER. I can't help it. And I never want to talk about ME with anyone. Which truly makes it a wonder, but there it is. It's instinctual. It's like I've been building up all these personal stories and funny anticdotes in my head for months, and the moment I hear her voice on the other end of the line, her familiar comforting voice, it's like a never ending waterfall of me me me I I I and occasionally we we we. Meanwhile, like some sort of strange out of body experience I'm staring down at myself, shocked and outraged by my seemingly selfish behavior, but literally unable to stop myself.

I have a feeling that's exactly what's going on with her.

So bascially, I'd take the fact that when she's with you she seems to jump at the chance to talk about herself like a starved man presented with a nice juicy steak as: A) Excitement at the rare opportunity to talk to someone whom she feels a solid connection with. B) Her well guarded INFP brain has decided, whether consciously or unconsciously, that out of the many, many people she has encountered thus far in her life, you are one of the very few-- that's right YOU-- who has passed some unwritten test. And as unfamiliar as the action may be, her brain is now comfortable enough to blow down those privacy walls that usually hide her inner thoughts, feelings, ideas, and what have you. This jumble of information isn't something we as INFP's have much practice sharing. It's awkward and embarrassing but totally exhilarating all at the same time. Kind of like that standing naked in front of the class dream. ;) It's sort of like a dam has broken. Like intense rays of sunshine just waiting to burst through the clouds-- once the clouds disappear, that sunshine is hard blot out.

Which basically means that what you are now getting (and believe me, you should feel quite humbled and honored by this seldom seen view) is an unfiltered, unadulterated, back stage peek (and it may be just a tiny peek mind you) at the fantastical world of "her" behind the curtain. For an INFP, that freedom to just be yourself and express your opinions without fear of seeming weird or awkward, to trust someone and feel connected enough to do that... well it's a feeling like no other. We're like loyal, lovable puppies just waiting by the door, jumping up and down inside just waiting for our trusted companion to come back so we can snuggle up and share some more. We don't mean to be selfish, in fact that's the last thing we'd ever want to be, but it's so refreshing to be near someone that we feel comfortable with that we NEED to give, we NEED to share some part of our self.


Wow, that ended up a lot more long-winded than originally intended. :laughing: But hopefully you get the message.
 
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