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I just.... Okay. Long story short, I've moved back home to save on money while I attend college (I'm 19, so a pretty normal age to be living at home, right? Right. At least, I think it is.) and I am having issues with my Mother.

This will be a bit ranty because she just help me "captive" for 40 minutes, and my boyfriend is at work....
And I don't like to bother my friends about this. They all think she's sunshiney and wonderful and they're allowed to keep thinking that.

Okay, I just wanted to provide you with context...


My Mother will say the most infuriating things imaginable but in this sneaky, unassuming, too quiet tone, and, naturally, it drives me crazy. That's the normal response and probably what she's after anyway.

But when I try to calmly address that I don't want her saying those to me or say that I think she's invading my privacy or I feel somewhat controlled etc,
she starts to play the martyr
and then starts weeping uncontrollably
and then starts raging in a terrifying way
until she's snapped back to just thinking out loud for 20 minutes about some inane topic, rambling docilely as if I'm not even there.
It's kinda scary.

Anyway, sometimes when she's raging or being accusatory, guilt tripping me for having a life separate from hers or just overall being nasty, it will get to a point where I feel the need to loudly tell her something - normally along the lines of merely "STOP."
It feels like a weak attempt at boundary setting, so please, if you have any boundary coaching you can give or offer me, it would be greatly appreciated

I am trying to put into practice that whose being extremely quiet and calm while the other person is freaking out thing.... But that never really worked for me in the past.

The way my household functioned, the only things that ever made her back down would be being scarier and louder, and I just don't want to be that person!

But it feels all but impossible not to be; it's as if she wants to fight.

..Is this menopause?

No, it can't be... She's been like this as long as I can remember.


And saying stop never works either; she just screams at me "how dare you tell me what to do" "It's the child's job to be respectful and honoring of their parents at all time" etc

So, how do you set boundaries with a person that hears any imperative sentence structures as inappropriate and anger-triggering?


Either way, for reasons that are irrelevant to the overall topic (Which I kinda digressed from...), I don't feel safe in this house at all. As I type I hear her banging around in the other room, shrieking hateful things about me alternating with sobbing and slamming doors.

If you know me, you'd understand how hard self-disclosure, so this is a big deal for me , and I just really need some help.:crying: (I never let her see me cry and I'm not crying now but... you know. Emojis are effective!)


And, yes, I know this is a lot of text and I do apologize for that. I tried to make it as readable as possible, and even if you don't want to get through it all, I'd appreciate any feedback whatsoever.




TL;DR I need advice as to how I can deal with conflict and the other bold things
 

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I just.... Okay. Long story short, I've moved back home to save on money while I attend college (I'm 19, so a pretty normal age to be living at home, right? Right. At least, I think it is.) and I am having issues with my Mother.

This will be a bit ranty because she just help me "captive" for 40 minutes, and my boyfriend is at work....
And I don't like to bother my friends about this. They all think she's sunshiney and wonderful and they're allowed to keep thinking that.

Okay, I just wanted to provide you with context...


My Mother will say the most infuriating things imaginable but in this sneaky, unassuming, too quiet tone, and, naturally, it drives me crazy. That's the normal response and probably what she's after anyway.

But when I try to calmly address that I don't want her saying those to me or say that I think she's invading my privacy or I feel somewhat controlled etc,
she starts to play the martyr
and then starts weeping uncontrollably
and then starts raging in a terrifying way
until she's snapped back to just thinking out loud for 20 minutes about some inane topic, rambling docilely as if I'm not even there.
It's kinda scary.

Anyway, sometimes when she's raging or being accusatory, guilt tripping me for having a life separate from hers or just overall being nasty, it will get to a point where I feel the need to loudly tell her something - normally along the lines of merely "STOP."
It feels like a weak attempt at boundary setting, so please, if you have any boundary coaching you can give or offer me, it would be greatly appreciated

I am trying to put into practice that whose being extremely quiet and calm while the other person is freaking out thing.... But that never really worked for me in the past.

The way my household functioned, the only things that ever made her back down would be being scarier and louder, and I just don't want to be that person!

But it feels all but impossible not to be; it's as if she wants to fight.

..Is this menopause?

No, it can't be... She's been like this as long as I can remember.


And saying stop never works either; she just screams at me "how dare you tell me what to do" "It's the child's job to be respectful and honoring of their parents at all time" etc

So, how do you set boundaries with a person that hears any imperative sentence structures as inappropriate and anger-triggering?


Either way, for reasons that are irrelevant to the overall topic (Which I kinda digressed from...), I don't feel safe in this house at all. As I type I hear her banging around in the other room, shrieking hateful things about me alternating with sobbing and slamming doors.

If you know me, you'd understand how hard self-disclosure, so this is a big deal for me , and I just really need some help.:crying: (I never let her see me cry and I'm not crying now but... you know. Emojis are effective!)


And, yes, I know this is a lot of text and I do apologize for that. I tried to make it as readable as possible, and even if you don't want to get through it all, I'd appreciate any feedback whatsoever.




I know how you feel. I have the same type of mother as you too :dry:
My mother is so controlling to the extent that she even tries to choose my career path for me. She not only put down my dreams and told me that my dreams will never come true, she also wants me to quit my current job.

And how to set boundaries with this type of mother? Avoid talking to her unless necessary.
If she starts nagging or starts manipulating you or putting you down, walk away immediately. A performer won't be able to perform on stage when there is no audience.

Keep all your whereabouts and everything about you a secret. Knowledge is power, and the less knowledge she has over you, the better it would be, because if you give her too much information about yourself she might just use those knowledge against you one day. Family can't always be trusted, just because someone is related to us by blood doesn't mean they can be trusted.


edit: Another solution to this problem would be to spend as much time outside your house as possible. You can hang out at the library or at the shopping mall or something and only come home to shower and sleep.
 

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I'm sorry to hear you are dealing with this. I almost hate to state the obvious and I do mean this with good will, but perhaps saving money at home isn't worth the psychological cost. You may want to reconsider spending money on rent elsewhere to buy you some deserved peace.
 
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