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I never wanted to do this, but I am just too exhausted already. This is the first time in my entire life I am posting a 100% truthful rant thread. I don't know why I'm baring my soul here, but I figured as an INFP, other INFP's are understanding as well and can relate to me on a soul level, or at least fill the void that's been in me for a long time.

Since 2006 or 2007, I went through serious bouts of depression and hid them. These bouts would come and leave. At times I would experience a kind of high happiness that went all the way up, and then there were other times when I would cry to myself in my room at night without the world having no idea about it. The trigger was that in 2006, the 2nd year of my relationship with my first love, my family kept forcing me to let him go because of something serious to do with his family background. I hurt my first love a lot because I cheated on him multiple times and pushed extreme anger on him until he cried a lot of times. When I let him go, I hurt him the most - he never wanted to lose me in spite of everything I put him through. It resulted in me becoming a secretly broken person underneath an overly friendly and flirtatious facade. I was seething resentment against my family and I felt that nobody could understand me. I felt that they pushed me to the limits just to fulfill their expectations in terms of ideal education, etc (My first love wasn't as educated as me, but he didn't deserve what I did)

For the longest time I was never honest about how I truly felt for my first love. I've had a lot of men enter my life after that, but the truth is, I had even said 'I love you' to a few individuals who actually made me feel nothing inside. The only one who has mattered until today, romantically, is none other than my second ex. (But we'll get to that later)

Until today, I absolutely cannot really think too much of my first love. There are times when I think I have no more feelings for him. That maybe I'm just being needy. Then there are other times when I just know, I cannot think too much of my first love. Whenever I think too much of my first love and the pain I've inflicted inside him for almost a year plus, honestly speaking, I have wished sincerely to God that He would just bury me in a hole and take my life away. I have loved that person with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all that I have, and it kills me to think of him in pain. It kills me so much that even though it's been a few years of silence, I do not want to reach out to him right now. I want to make myself believe that he is out there, somewhere, with a woman who can love him and treat him better than I ever did.

As for my second ex, I remember acting like a suicidal crazy maniac in front of him lots of times. What astounds me is his patience (but his patience had limits, and thus of course he had pushed me away too). I remember treating him like a yoyo, dumping him and then when I wanted to get him back, I would overburden him with unrealistic expectations and constant texting. I wonder if I have burdened him too much with my depression. Of all the guys in my life, he has probably been the most patient and I don't know why I could never appreciate him properly enough or let him in 100%, even though I know I love him.

Why can't I just be grateful and fulfilled for the small things? Why do I have to feel the pulling forces of expectations and fear?

I remember when I texted my second ex about my first love and how hurt I've been. And the next day, he tries to comfort me by smiling at me a lot even though we are not together. Why can't I appreciate that? Do I not deserve happiness? Am I doomed to sadness for a longer period of my life first? *Sad* Why can't it just be like that? I just be happy for the small things even though different results will come later? Why can't I let go of the fear in my heart?

He has been so patient, even though he has pushed me away several times..I want to walk away and just let it be, but at the same time deep down inside I intuitively feel we're meant to be at some point, I just need to find stability in my life first..I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I hate the thought that I must've burdened him with my craziness and darkness over all these years, it is a miracle he hasn't been telling people about what a screwed up person I can be.

Why can't I be thankful that at least 2009 and 2010 have been the years I found my true friends, and also what I really like (my passionate hobby) in my life? I can't explain. My heart and soul feel like they've been too tired already for me to function properly sometimes. It's a miracle that I can still write insightful posts like this even though at some point I wonder if I'm unstable and I wonder if I deserve to exist on this planet.

A few months ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed for me anti depressant medicine. I feel much better as time progresses. And I forgive my family, I acknowledge they've also done a lot in trying to make me happy, and for now we're on more understanding and stable terms.

Also, my studies are suffering *sigh* I actually studied in UK and the government in my home country sponsors my studies. This summer, I was resitting two of my second year modules and I didn't get through (I didn't pass). I can't proceed to third year straight away this coming semester, I'd have to wait until 2012 if I can proceed or not, and as a result I can't get anymore cash from the government. I'd have to rely on parents' cash or a job in the future to finance for my third year studies. I couldn't do it better. I cried in front of my parents just now, I just told them I am too tired and I can't take it anymore. It's just been too much for me, okay.

For now, I just need to concentrate on doing better in my studies, I suppose. And at the same time I need an emotional break. Perhaps I pushed myself too hard and felt too much was expected of me. I feel like shutting out the world, but I wish I can be understood better. I wish there was a way for me to breathe deeper and hold on for much stronger.

I'm sorry, I sometimes wonder if I know what to do with myself.
 

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I never wanted to do this, but I am just too exhausted already. This is the first time in my entire life I am posting a 100% truthful rant thread. I don't know why I'm baring my soul here, but I figured as an INFP, other INFP's are understanding as well and can relate to me on a soul level, or at least fill the void that's been in me for a long time.

Since 2006 or 2007, I went through serious bouts of depression and hid them. These bouts would come and leave. At times I would experience a kind of high happiness that went all the way up, and then there were other times when I would cry to myself in my room at night without the world having no idea about it. The trigger was that in 2006, the 2nd year of my relationship with my first love, my family kept forcing me to let him go because of something serious to do with his family background. I hurt my first love a lot because I cheated on him multiple times and pushed extreme anger on him until he cried a lot of times. When I let him go, I hurt him the most - he never wanted to lose me in spite of everything I put him through. It resulted in me becoming a secretly broken person underneath an overly friendly and flirtatious facade. I was seething resentment against my family and I felt that nobody could understand me. I felt that they pushed me to the limits just to fulfill their expectations in terms of ideal education, etc (My first love wasn't as educated as me, but he didn't deserve what I did)

For the longest time I was never honest about how I truly felt for my first love. I've had a lot of men enter my life after that, but the truth is, I had even said 'I love you' to a few individuals who actually made me feel nothing inside. The only one who has mattered until today, romantically, is none other than my second ex. (But we'll get to that later)

Until today, I absolutely cannot really think too much of my first love. There are times when I think I have no more feelings for him. That maybe I'm just being needy. Then there are other times when I just know, I cannot think too much of my first love. Whenever I think too much of my first love and the pain I've inflicted inside him for almost a year plus, honestly speaking, I have wished sincerely to God that He would just bury me in a hole and take my life away. I have loved that person with all of my heart, all of my soul, and all that I have, and it kills me to think of him in pain. It kills me so much that even though it's been a few years of silence, I do not want to reach out to him right now. I want to make myself believe that he is out there, somewhere, with a woman who can love him and treat him better than I ever did.

As for my second ex, I remember acting like a suicidal crazy maniac in front of him lots of times. What astounds me is his patience (but his patience had limits, and thus of course he had pushed me away too). I remember treating him like a yoyo, dumping him and then when I wanted to get him back, I would overburden him with unrealistic expectations and constant texting. I wonder if I have burdened him too much with my depression. Of all the guys in my life, he has probably been the most patient and I don't know why I could never appreciate him properly enough or let him in 100%, even though I know I love him.

Why can't I just be grateful and fulfilled for the small things? Why do I have to feel the pulling forces of expectations and fear?

I remember when I texted my second ex about my first love and how hurt I've been. And the next day, he tries to comfort me by smiling at me a lot even though we are not together. Why can't I appreciate that? Do I not deserve happiness? Am I doomed to sadness for a longer period of my life first? *Sad* Why can't it just be like that? I just be happy for the small things even though different results will come later? Why can't I let go of the fear in my heart?

He has been so patient, even though he has pushed me away several times..I want to walk away and just let it be, but at the same time deep down inside I intuitively feel we're meant to be at some point, I just need to find stability in my life first..I don't know. I don't want to think about it. I hate the thought that I must've burdened him with my craziness and darkness over all these years, it is a miracle he hasn't been telling people about what a screwed up person I can be.

Why can't I be thankful that at least 2009 and 2010 have been the years I found my true friends, and also what I really like (my passionate hobby) in my life? I can't explain. My heart and soul feel like they've been too tired already for me to function properly sometimes. It's a miracle that I can still write insightful posts like this even though at some point I wonder if I'm unstable and I wonder if I deserve to exist on this planet.

A few months ago, I started seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed for me anti depressant medicine. I feel much better as time progresses. And I forgive my family, I acknowledge they've also done a lot in trying to make me happy, and for now we're on more understanding and stable terms.

Also, my studies are suffering *sigh* I actually studied in UK and the government in my home country sponsors my studies. This summer, I was resitting two of my second year modules and I didn't get through (I didn't pass). I can't proceed to third year straight away this coming semester, I'd have to wait until 2012 if I can proceed or not, and as a result I can't get anymore cash from the government. I'd have to rely on parents' cash or a job in the future to finance for my third year studies. I couldn't do it better. I cried in front of my parents just now, I just told them I am too tired and I can't take it anymore. It's just been too much for me, okay.

For now, I just need to concentrate on doing better in my studies, I suppose. And at the same time I need an emotional break. Perhaps I pushed myself too hard and felt too much was expected of me. I feel like shutting out the world, but I wish I can be understood better. I wish there was a way for me to breathe deeper and hold on for much stronger.

I'm sorry, I sometimes wonder if I know what to do with myself.

Look at what you're doing right here - you're worrying about hurting others. That alone proves you to be a good person.

We all have our skeletons in the closet...we all have the mistakes that we've made and are ashamed of. We're human! But, one thing that we are all lucky to have is unconditional love and the capacity to love unconditionally. You, no matter what you do, are loved. By me, God, and many many other people. And you will always be loved.

We all make the mistakes, and the first step to healing is to talk about it. We are all here for you, and we all love you. :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I wonder if I take things for granted. Why can't I just say ''so what'' to the weight of fears in my heart, to my personal unresolved issues and to the fact that for once in my life I am struggling too much with my studies?

Can I say 'so what'? Is it a bad thing? I'm too tired already. I need me in the middle of all of this.
 

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I wonder if I take things for granted. Why can't I just say ''so what'' to the weight of fears in my heart, to my personal unresolved issues and to the fact that for once in my life I am struggling too much with my studies?

Can I say 'so what'? Is it a bad thing? I'm too tired already. I need me in the middle of all of this.
I think that it's a good thing to talk it out. Saying "so what" will only repress things, sadly.

I say, go at your own pace and say what you're comfortable with. As you probably know already, this forum is a relatively casual and comfortable place. If people judge you on what you're saying, they probably be trollin'.
:cool:
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I suppose that I feel I haven't been true to myself for far too long and I am currently at the break through of finding myself..
 

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I just wanted you to let you known that I read your whole post and that I feel for you out of the sincerity of my heart.
I think that deep down you do know what you need. I think that you need to forgive yourself, and let go of your regrets. I think that talking it out with a guidance counselor regularly could help as well.

I promise you, it's all going to be okay.
 
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