Personality Cafe banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I think my Grandma has a psychological complex. I am fifteen years old, but I am so dependent, I have never used a microwave, stove, washing machine, etc. in my whole life. My Grandma interferes with my spare time, and tries to arrange my schedule. She cleans my room, and plans long and short term goals for me without my permission. If she is present during a conversation with one of my friends, she shoves me out of the way and answers for me, as if I weren't even there. She constantly rings up the school for updates about me, even though I am a high achieving academic student, and I'm preparing for the final performing exams on my instrument. I can't spend any time in my room, on my own, even though I would like to, because she constantly pesters me, wanting to know every detail about what I am doing, or to start planning the next day for me. Even my teachers have commented on my lack of independence at home. If I'm not following my Grandma's plans, she shuns me, and throws a hissy-fit like a little girl. If I do follow her plans, it is never enough, or it didn't count because it passed some imaginary deadline that never existed before. I've tried to tell her I want more independence, and to organize and control my own life, but she calls me 'unreliable', and 'disorganized', even though I've never had the chance. If I try to take some control, or express an opinion or idea, she lashes out. Also if I try to change something about her, like inform her about healthy eating, or move something of hers she gets really defensive. Its driving me insane. My grades have been dropping at school because I am simply too psychologically stressed and in a state of frustrated rebellion to be efficient. I see a psychologist, but all of the sessions end out pinpointing to her. I really don't know what to do? I get verbally abused if I try to change anything about her. I really can't deal with this anymore.
 

·
MOTM Feb 2010
Joined
·
4,773 Posts
Wow, sounds like you're screwed. If she's your legal guardian, then she has every right to fuck up your life. I cannot begin to imagine how this feels for you. You have my deepest sympathies.

I would set my sights on the future if I were you. Apply to colleges far away. Maybe even make all of your transactions with the colleges from a friend's address as I would suspect she will want you to choose some place near by. You need to get out of there, but sadly, you may have to wait a bit.

Have you considered cutting all ties with her? Turn 18 and just move out?

I suppose ignoring her and being more assertive may help, but it sounds like that would have very negative consequences. Maybe write a letter to her telling her how she's sheltering you from a real life? Bleah. I don't envy your position. Try to keep your head up, and especially try not to define yourself in contrast to her.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,636 Posts
I know this is personal. I'll try to give you a solution, but it requires you to see things the way they are even though it may hurt.

Sounds like she's scared of something. I know that if you bring her fear/s to the surface you can turn this into everything you want it to be. And you will feel very proud of yourself in the process. In fact, you must turn it into what you want it to be.

You need two things. First, you need to know exactly, without hesitation and with no doubt what it is you want. E.g. be independent, then envision everything that comes with it. So take your time to define it.
Step two- Figuring out how to get there. Remember your goal (e.g. independence) and take the arguments. If you can figure out her fears they are good ammunition to get you where you want. Remember to show her a lot of love, all the time, because she's much more likely to make changes FOR you than changing because you someone tells her she's "this and that". She will be willing to change for someone who loves her and need her to. Someone passionate who's being reasonable and see things for how they are.

I can think of a few possible fears, but I don't know your situation so they are wild guesses. First thing consider your situation and try seeing things from her PoV. Are you the only child?, parents, friends, poverty etc. Maybe she's the one who's supposed to take care of you and it's driven to far.

She's being overprotective because she wants the BEST for you but her fears decide things for her and create conflict. She wants you to grow to be strong and independent, but her fears rules her. So we have to sympathize with her. Now, the things that you've gotten out of her while confronting her could be clues - she said you were "unreliable" and "disorganized" and maybe she's said more.

Possible fears: You're growing up and so she's scared of losing:
your love. Losing her personal value or significance or meaning.
Losing certainty and control.
She's afraid you'll be alone or poor or that something bad will happen to you.

>So she orders you around to reclaim control of things.

Keep to the dream you set up, have it motivate you and work towards achieving it. You can do it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
417 Posts
You need to approach her. Maybe it's my extra amount of freedom or something but in my home, I've always had a voice. I stood my ground and told my parents what I thought and stuckl with it. In many other homes maybe a mile or so away, is a family who has a little princess brat who gets everything she could possibly want, and an older sister who is consistently neglected. In another home, there will be parents who have irregular rules for their child, and have standards that only a genius could meet. In another home, they will have double standards and be hypocritical, as a mother lazes around the house, smoking and doing nothing, while she tells her 7th grader child to do all the homework, extra credit, and to be sure that she/he gets a hundred percent on it.

To hear a story like yours is irrgular. Again, with my freedom of speech, I would've had your grandma fixed before she ordered me around and let me have no life.

She's an old lady. A lot of times, grown-ups try to channel their lost and failed dreams through their children. Maybe your grandma failed to be perfect, so maybe she was hoping that another generation of hers would achieve that.

But that's also not my point! you've got to stand your ground. Your friends are your friends. You do the best you can do, and you have your own life. You only have ONE life. When you look back, as an adult, yyou'll regret looking back, only to see you grandma's mean face spitting into your face telling you to do THIS and TAT!

I say, end this. End it now. No grandma should be able, allowed, or SHOULD throw a hissy fit, or control every freaking movement or activity of her grand daughters.

Find yur voice. Amplify it. And put it in her face!
(Sorry, was that harsh?)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
24 Posts
Find out everything she does that you cannot live without. If there is nothing, then you have nothing to lose by confronting her. She might attack you physically, or you might end up in an orphanage. are you prepared for these things?

ask your psychologist if he or she would be willing to see you in a group session. it might help even if it turns violent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,544 Posts
You need to go the fuck off.

Adults can't handle it, and ESPECIALLY old ones, when a kid goes off on them. You need to tell her that she's being a fucking retard and that when you get out into the real world you won't be able to function because she babies you so damn much, you need to tell her that you're not experiencing life, and you need to tell her she needs to chill the fuck out.

... Not in those words exactly, but you catch my drift.

Stay respectful and still do what you know you should ( Cleaning your room, keeping your grades up, all that good stuff ), but you should make her realize that you're being a rather good kid about this. Most kids would have gone off already, ran away, killed themselves, gotten someone else involved, something. Make HER see how good she has it.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top