[curious0610]

As some of you already know, I went through a really toxic friendship this past year, that resulted in psychological and emotional trauma for me. I know I've done a handful of posts on this expressing my feelings on this, so sorry for another post, but I guess this post is sort of me trying to reach some closure. (i was talking to runescribe about this and he explained this to me: " The closure point becomes like a tab we can flip to in our memory so that when we do ponder on the passing episode we can see its condensed symbolic meaning in a positive way and move on. We want to... be able to attach a symbol to it in our Ni intuition.") Throughout my time on PerC, I've been touched by everyone's desire to help and I've learned a lot from everyone's posts. So who better to turn to for help than fellow INFJs who understand me? :blushed:

After this huge ordeal, I've gone through a tremendous (almost year-long) recovery process, which I am still in: flashback episodes/bad dreams -> detachment and numbing (as though I didn't even care about it) -> forgetting important parts of what happened to the point where my family members have to remind me what she did-> anger at myself for letting myself be betrayed and manipulated by someone -> acknowledging my right to be angry -> forgiving them and letting go of resentment against her -> right now -> -> -> reaching that closure point.

And I'm quoting vel from another thread on this: my family members and close friends said that the reason this happened to me was because I give "off an air of being well-grounded and happier with yourself, something she struggled to attain." The only reasons why this person did what she did to me were because I was well-grounded, happy (at least at that time), different than her and the rest of the girls, and NICE. My dad has told me so many times how she saw that she could do what she did, because she knew I was nice. This experience was traumatizing because before this group of girls, I never had much experience with people like this - only childhood friends or high school friends that were homebodies/bookworms like me. I couldn't even imagine some of the things she did to me and even today, I'm still caught so off-guard even just thinking about everything.

Anyway I'm turning 22 soon (in exactly a month actually), and I want to find a closure point and somehow condense this entire experience in a positive way, so I can have that symbolic point I come back to. I'd appreciate any help on trying to reframe this positively, because I realize I'm focusing still on more of the negatives. Thanks again guys for all of your help and support, seriously all the threads on PerC have helped me a lot to even come to this point!

 

[The Vizier]

I believe that everything that happens to use happens for a reason. Depending on your personal beliefs, it could be God's way of helping you to grow, you know like lessons you need to learn before you can progress to the next stage.

"What is to give light must endure burning." -Viktor Frankl

So much in life is a matter of perspective as you have rightly noted. For me whenever I encounter mistakes or disasters in my personal life, I take it as God's way of giving me an opportunity to learn and grow. It is his way of teaching me lessons, necessary lessons, that I need to become a better person. You put in lots of hard work and effort to study for exams or to do a big project. At the end of it, you learn from it so you can manage greater things.

There was once a man named Han Xin who lived in ancient China. Because he came from a noble family, he was allowed to carry a sword with him. One day while he was still a youth, he ran into a bully. The bully challenged him to a fight, daring Han Xin to decapitate him or to crawl between his legs. Han Xin knew at that time that if he were to fight, he would be at a great disadvantage as the bully was much stronger and bigger. So instead of putting up a fight, he did as he was told. This incident, as he recalled later, was the best thing that could have happened to him because instead of letting his misfortunes handle his life, he used this event as a stepping stone toward achieving his ambitions. After a couple of years of striving, he was able to master the art of war and, not long after, became one of the greatest strategist of all time. "Restraint," he said, "must be practiced as a child; denying it will cause your downfall." Years later when he became the Prince of Chu, he remembered the bully who had forced him to crawl between his legs. Han Xin commissioned him as the chief-of-police of his capital in gratitude. For if the bully had never put him through that ordeal, Han Xin would never have learned the lesson he needed to learn to succeed at bigger things in life.

I would say it is the same for your unfortunate experience. Sorry to use a Star Wars reference, but I'm kind of going through a phase right now. There are 3 sides to life. The light, the dark and the gray. It could be that this experience you had was to make you aware that there are people who place their own interests first in life at the expense of others. If you had not learned this lesson at this stage of your life, it could lead to graver and more disastrous consequences in the future if more was at stake.

As I mentioned earlier, things happen for a reason which you may not be able to see now. But years later if you look back, this might actually be one of the stepping stones that lead to your success if you learn the right lessons from it. That's not to say you should regard everyone with wariness. Then you would just have to learn another lesson of trust. Extremes are not good and you should always strive to find that balance. It's a matter of realizing that the dark side exists in certain people. Just keep a lookout for them as you would avoid puddles of dirty water on the road. It's a part of life we just have to manage without being overly attached to it. That's how I would frame it.

 

[Miasmatic Domino]

curious610, it is really great to hear that you've been opening to the cafe. I can relate (in a way) considering that right now, I too am looking for closure.

So many different things have been happening to me lately. When I was younger, I was more outgoing and cheerful. We were kids. We didn't know what the world was yet and we were all trapped in a reality far away from reality; the world of dreams and innocent wishes.

However, I encountered different classmates of all kinds and I didn't understand them very well. Most of them threatened who I was probably because I wasn't a normal girl with "normal girl" interests. I was a child who focused on imagination. Little did I know that by 6th grade, my whole being was being tested and it cost me my friendships. I don't know who to blame, so I internalized all this up to the point when I found better friends and such in the later years. I don't care if they're kids and adults; we all feel alive when we're surrounded by different people with the same oddities as us.

I felt like writing this because I need some kind of closure as well. I hope this helps in a way and relates to what you're encountering right now. Peace.:mellow:

 

[Phoebe]

I really feel for you because I understand where you are coming from. When I was younger, I had an idealistic version of the world and people. I honestly thought people were decent, good, and thoughtful. All of them. Life has taught me otherwise.
It was a hard lesson to learn. No matter how much we want to change someone, some people are basically selfish and there is not a thing we can do about it. I've seen so much of it I can't even comment. One person in particular has shown me this, and for a while, clouded my view of all people....made me very cynical about people in general. I kept trying to give this person the benefit of the doubt, over and over, and try to understand where she was coming from. I did a lot of psychoanalyzing like you did! And honestly came to the conclusion that this person has narcissistic tendencies, which cloud her relationships and attitudes towards others and destroy relationships. If you've ever been with someone with whom you have to walk on eggshells around, wondering what type of mood they are in each and every day and how you should interact with them, you would understand where I am coming from. It's exhausting.
As far as closure goes, I'm not there yet. But I have learned to trust my instincts and if I get a gut feeling about someone, I need to honor myself more and not make excuses for their behavior, simply to smooth things over. I still care deeply for this person, but that doesn't mean we have to stay friends. She had many good qualities which I admire. Everyone has their good and bad points. The trouble is the bad points - some people have bad points which you can tolerate, and some have bad points that you just can't. I just hope the best for her in life and move on. I have learned something out of it which is to trust my instincts. Deep down you know when you are around someone who is good for you, and when you are not. Listen to that voice because it will save you a lot of heartache and trouble. I think people are put into our lives for a reason and in the end, you will learn something from that relationship.

 

[curious0610]

Vizier, Yes, I believe that it is God's ways of helping me grow and the two references you gave are helpful, because it helps me to make this more symbolic closure point. So I guess right now would be the moment I am crawling between this bully's legs. It's tough, it's a humiliating blow, but I just have to accept it and make peace in my mind which is what I'm in the process of now I guess. And I really do believe that this experience was meant to teach me about the "dark side" and one of the lowest that a "friend" could sink because she was jealous of me. And from this experience, I guess I've come learning how to avoid dirty water puddles and to spot this better when I see it in the future.

Miasmatic - I was more outgoing, cheerful too. and it is very likely that this girl was threatened by this. And I am working hard to make sure she won't have the pleasure of taking this away from me. And I did the same thing you did, I internalized all this up to the point where my family/other friends pulled me out. And now I will be able to meet better friends. It's hard though because I've internalized TOO much I think. And I keep beating myself up on the inside. I need to stop though. I'm gettin ' there.

And phoebe - Yes, I guess being cynical is a byproduct of when an INFJ learns about these type of people the hard way. It does help to psychoanalyze, except the part where I start empathizing with that person. I think this experience has made me very aware of that voice deep inside that tells me who to trust, and who is good.

Overall, thanks soooo much for the support, it really means a lot to me.

 

[vel]

I wouldn't call it loss of innocence. You are just coming to see the world with greater clarity. It is like in a computer game: "you have just leveled and achieved enlightenment points, ding ding ding!". Some forms of knowledge are difficult to accept because they go against all that you previously knew and require significant uprooting of the entire model of the world in your mind - but on the other side how can anyone make decisions for oneself and others that are wise, just, and true while not seeing the world how it really is?

As for turning into somebody "darkened/cynical" that depends on what perspective you take on reality. You can judge it, reject it, and scorn it - or make peace with it and accept it for what it is. People who become overly bitter and cynical do a lot of the first and none of the later.

 

[jamescarrolls]

curious610, it is really great to hear that you've been opening to the cafe. I can relate (in a way) considering that right now, I too am looking for closure.

So many different things have been happening to me lately. When I was younger, I was more outgoing and cheerful. We were kids. We didn't know what the world was yet and we were all trapped in a reality far away from reality; the world of dreams and innocent wishes.

However, I encountered different classmates of all kinds and I didn't understand them very well. Most of them threatened who I was probably because I wasn't a normal girl with "normal girl" interests. I was a child who focused on imagination. Little did I know that by 6th grade, my whole being was being tested and it cost me my friendships. I don't know who to blame, so I internalized all this up to the point when I found better friends and such in the later years. I don't care if they're kids and adults; we all feel alive when we're surrounded by different people with the same oddities as us.

I felt like writing this because I need some kind of closure as well. I hope this helps in a way and relates to what you're encountering right now. Peace.:mellow:

Right on.... can I get a whomp whomp!!!! Good for you!!! INFJ's boy I can relate!!!! Experiences, obstacles, face them, overcome them and move on for another one!!! Share share share!!!!

 

[jamescarrolls]

I believe that everything that happens to use happens for a reason. Depending on your personal beliefs, it could be God's way of helping you to grow, you know like lessons you need to learn before you can progress to the next stage.

"What is to give light must endure burning." -Viktor Frankl

So much in life is a matter of perspective as you have rightly noted. For me whenever I encounter mistakes or disasters in my personal life, I take it as God's way of giving me an opportunity to learn and grow. It is his way of teaching me lessons, necessary lessons, that I need to become a better person. You put in lots of hard work and effort to study for exams or to do a big project. At the end of it, you learn from it so you can manage greater things.

There was once a man named Han Xin who lived in ancient China. Because he came from a noble family, he was allowed to carry a sword with him. One day while he was still a youth, he ran into a bully. The bully challenged him to a fight, daring Han Xin to decapitate him or to crawl between his legs. Han Xin knew at that time that if he were to fight, he would be at a great disadvantage as the bully was much stronger and bigger. So instead of putting up a fight, he did as he was told. This incident, as he recalled later, was the best thing that could have happened to him because instead of letting his misfortunes handle his life, he used this event as a stepping stone toward achieving his ambitions. After a couple of years of striving, he was able to master the art of war and, not long after, became one of the greatest strategist of all time. "Restraint," he said, "must be practiced as a child; denying it will cause your downfall." Years later when he became the Prince of Chu, he remembered the bully who had forced him to crawl between his legs. Han Xin commissioned him as the chief-of-police of his capital in gratitude. For if the bully had never put him through that ordeal, Han Xin would never have learned the lesson he needed to learn to succeed at bigger things in life.

I would say it is the same for your unfortunate experience. Sorry to use a Star Wars reference, but I'm kind of going through a phase right now. There are 3 sides to life. The light, the dark and the gray. It could be that this experience you had was to make you aware that there are people who place their own interests first in life at the expense of others. If you had not learned this lesson at this stage of your life, it could lead to graver and more disastrous consequences in the future if more was at stake.

As I mentioned earlier, things happen for a reason which you may not be able to see now. But years later if you look back, this might actually be one of the stepping stones that lead to your success if you learn the right lessons from it. That's not to say you should regard everyone with wariness. Then you would just have to learn another lesson of trust. Extremes are not good and you should always strive to find that balance. It's a matter of realizing that the dark side exists in certain people. Just keep a lookout for them as you would avoid puddles of dirty water on the road. It's a part of life we just have to manage without being overly attached to it. That's how I would frame it.

Thanks for the Han Xin message. That is so true. We sometimes need to take a step back and take a good look at this. We investigate, gather information from others who have experienced this themselves and execute. Knowledge is absolute neccessity. Thank you OB1