1. What drives you in life? What do you look for?
That's a tough question. For a long time I used to think I was driven by success and accomplishment; but, as I keep growing up I'm starting to think that I'm actually driven by being self contempt. The more I think I'm a better person the more I'm happy. I guess I would say that I'm looking to be the best me I could be.
2. What do you hope to accomplish in your life?
I hope to make a difference in my society. I have this dream of starting a boarding school for females living in poverty from rural areas and then expanding around the world. This often surprises people as I'm very abrasive or I appear cold at times. I mean people don't expect me to have such an 'emotional' goal.
3. What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
Well I would hate to have to depend on someone to provide me with any living necessities. My biggest fear is not being able to help myself and having to be a burden to someone else. The values that are important to me are kind off vague. I don't have strict values I live by, but I have this thing about fairness. As long as I'm being fair to everyone or people are being fair I don't care what they do with their lives. I would very much rather someone who treats everyone like shit over someone who treats a specific person/group like shit due to something outside of their own control.
4. What are your biggest fears (not including phobias)? Why?
I guess I answered that question above by mistake haha. I'll tackle the why. Its because I think my fear of dependence is rooted to my fear of being weak. Ever since I was young I never wanted to seem weak at all. I even used to think saying that you liked someone made you seem weak during my preteen/earlyteenage times.
5. How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?
I guess to follow up from the previous question, I would want people to see me as a strong independent person. I'd like them to attribute my success to myself and not to something such as appearance, family or what have you. I see myself as someone who is smart and gifted, but is not driven enough to actually take action and do what they want. I often have wonderful and innovative ideas that I know for a fact will take off but I never get around to doing them. Not because I'm afraid of failing, I just don't have that drive some people have.
6. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
It's kind of sad and I wouldn't admit this to someone I knew, but I feel my best when I get outside validation. Especially if it is someone complementing my intelligence or wit. I feel my worst when I perform worse than someone that I think is less intelligent than me, but they just took the effort to work harder than I did. This is actually rooted to the fact that I had undiagnosed ADHD till I was 18. It really messed with my self-esteem for a while and I tend to slightly hang my shortcomings on it. But yea say in university if my friend that I know I'm better in statistics in gets a better grade than me, I feel really bad about not putting in half the effort she puts in.
7. Describe how you experience each of: a) anger; b) shame; c) anxiety.
a) anger: it completely consumes and as some would say I'm 'blinded by rage haha. I usually immediately act on my anger and I'm fine after that. I find that there are two types of people: people that act on their anger immediately and move on and others that let it fester and they keep thinking about it.
b) shame: I pretend whatever happened never happened. So I usually only feel ashamed if I'm rejected from something that is related to my competence. You will find me saying something like oh I never wanted the job or the person totally hated me and did this on purpose. It's quite sad and funny at the same time.
c) anxiety: I think I rarely feel anxiety mostly because I never pay enough time to my feelings to start becoming anxious. The few times I got anxious were when I was waiting to hear back either from a job or waiting for my grades to come out. I tend to get obsessive and I start calculating probabilities of all outcomes and considering how I will deal with any of the possibilities.
8. Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
a) stress: I also rarely get stressed people have gotten genuinely surpised when theyve seen me stressed. The few times I am I respond similar to how I do with anxiety. I start getting obsessive and calculating the probability of whatever is stressing me out happenning. I do a lot of weird searches to see if someone else had an experience similar to mine and how the outcome was. So I basically try to subconsciously prepare myself for whatever may happen.
b) unexpected change: I never have anything constant haha. I can do the same task and each time it will be completely different. I don't get stressed out or anything. I'm pretty much down with the flow of everything.
c) conflict: It really depends on the situation. If I'm emotionally/mentally invested in the situation I will confront or tackle the problem head on and find a solution. If I don't really care I will ignore it or avoid it completely but not really on purpose, more in a subconscious dismissive manner.
9. Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?
a) authority: I have massive authority issues. I will actively defy someone's authority if I don't see the value in what they ordering me to do. Or if I think they're abusing their authority.
b) power: I would like to have power just so someone else would not have power over me. So basically power to not achieve status-related stuff, but to avoid being bossed around by someone else. I will lead, in fear of following a retard.
10. What is your overall outlook on life and humanity?
It is kind off grim. I don't think people are inherently good. I think everyone is selfserving and purely motivated for their own gain. I think it is up to some people to make sure that everyone is being treated fairly. I have pretty conflicting views on this topic. To really simplify my view, I'd have a way more positive outlook if people treated others the way they would like to be treated.
12. Comment on your relationship with trust.
I have a lot of trouble trusting people, because I don't see why anyone would readily want to carry the burden of your problems. Obviously, I realize that I'm projecting my own view on to people but it still doesn't stop me from questioning everyone's motives.
13. List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
a) Like: creative, adaptable, clever, funny, assertive. I like that I'm willing to do what I want despite of how it may be received by others.
b) dislike: I hate that I cannot admit to people when I really like/love them. I lose interest in things/people once the 'challenge' element has been conquered.
14. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
I can usually get a deep sense of who the person is, their motives, how they feel just by meeting them for a few hours. I've been told that I'm pretty accurate and a lot of people are creeped out by this ability. I just get intuitions about the person I'm talking with. For example, this guy was once questioning my ability to know what hes all about and I started going off what I was picking up from him and I got pretty deep and said that I think he might have been physically abused by his dad when he was young and he never forgave him and the guy almost died because it was actually true and he never told anyone.
15. If a stranger insults you, how do you respond/feel? What if they compliment you?
If a stranger insults me, I don't really feel anything. I would rarely respond given they were a complete stranger. If I knew them a little I would just put them in their place, in hopes of them not continuing to be assholes to others in the future. If they complimented me, again I wouldn't really feel anything. How much can a stranger know about me to give me a solid compliment anyway. I would thank them just because I've been told its rude not to haha.