[Anahata]

Hi all. A friend and I had an intellectual debate last night about what the rebound looks like for an INFJ. I thought I'd post here and ask since some of you would know what we go through when suffering divorce/break-ups and as I'm going through a divorce right now it might help me to know what I'm going to start doing to myself in terms of "rebound" relationships.

Any insight you can give is most appreciated.

 

[SyndiCat]

I don't rebound.

 

[CyberSheep]

Most importantly: Take your time!
We don't easily bound, so if you do things too hastily, you may find you do the same mistakes over and over again. Only more expensive and heart hardening each time.

I think the typical INFJ reaction is to need some kind of "healing period" before entering a new relationship. And divorce is more serious than ending a two week holiday fling.

 

[Zomboy]

I've only ever rebounded in online relationships, and those things are silly anyway. = _='

 

[rowingineden]

I don't think INFJs are likely to rebound. I've only dealt with unhealthy ones, but I think they'd need some time to sort through their emotional response to the breakup and build up the ability to feel good and trust and give themselves again, at the risk of being hurt. Or, they would automatically attach themselves to the most likely person to reciprocate, that they feel comfortable with.

x_X I am an INFP, but anyway... I started dating again about 4 days after my breakup with my first girlfriend (INFJ). It was horrible. I allowed myself to be pushed into a new relationship I didn't even want with someone who was possibly schizophrenic or some such thing. :crazy: But I admit I had a lot of fun.

 

[krnjason]

I dont think I ever rebound. I became a bit more emotionally distant and need a little time to think things through but thats about it.

 

[Hokahey]

A girl left me 3 years ago and I really haven't connected with any body else, I was close once but never happened. INFJ's like foundation, when that foundation is cracked or broken, it has to be fixed before moving on. I don't want to dishearten you with a story of moving as slow as I have to "rebound" just saying fix the cracks and move on.

 

[SarahWilliams]

Take home message: We take relationships seriously. We don't enter into them easily, nor do we leave them easily.

I will suggest that people attempt to rebound though.

I know I dwell less if I am focusing on something new and fun

 

[vel]

For me rebounding from big failure or long-term relationship ending seems to take about 7-9 months. I just noticed that after this time passes it doesn't bother me any more, I stop thinking about it as frequently and trying to overanalyze the memories, there is a feeling that what happened in past is now in past. This has happened several times now so I know myself to always follow this same pattern. But everybody is different and of course it depends on context of what exactly you're rebounding from. If it was a long-term relationship with emotional co-dependence or physical abuse for example I would think that it can probably take several years to recover from that.

 

[Introspiritual]

I have rebounded a couple of times - mainly after the end of long-term (5+ years) relationships.

In both cases, it was me seeking out someone who had the exact opposite issue of the previous relationship - which was an inability to connect deeply. So I sought out someone who was looking to fuse with another, and the intensity of that mirror showed me exactly what I had failed to address within myself. Unfortunately, in withdrawing some to deal with the unresolved issue(s), the fusion ceased, and the relationship faded as a result.

Since then I've been more mindful of the harm of the rebound on others, and stayed by myself instead as I work through things. It's a bit more lonely, but ultimately healthier.

 

[Mind Marauder]

I haven't had a relationship since I was sixteen. I'm now almost 20. So yeah, I don't exactly do the rebounding thing...

 

[nikkii]

Never done a rebound but then again i've never been in a serious relationship.

 

[Anahata]

I didn't think INFJ's would be prone to the rebound, but this person said to me, "If someone beats you with a bat do you experience trauma??? Everyone rebounds!" Just goes to show I know my type. roud: Thanks everyone. To those of you that have or do rebound what I'm saying is not intended as an insult. You know what works for you, but this person was absolutely convinced that I have to go through a rebound to survive this relationship ending. While I was sitting there saying to myself, "Well... I never did the rebound after any of my previous relationships, soooooooooooooooo why would I start now when I'm even MORE fragile?!" I can't thank you all enough for responding.

 

[Natalie]

Wellll, I'm not an INFJ, but holy shit do I rebound!! I need the validation of feeling wanted, particularly when I'm at my lowest and going through a breakup. It really helps me heal bc my self-worth takes a huge hit when a relationship ends, and starting a new relationship with someone else can be a huge confidence booster.

I never understood why people are soooo negative about rebound relationships. I mean really, it might last or it might not, but if it's fulfilling a need, why deny yourself? If you're going into it knowing that it's not serious or that it's only going to be short-term, of course be honest with the other party about this. Should also let him know you're going through a breakup--I don't think it's fair not to.

The only concern I ever felt w/r/t rebound relationships is this: it can be hard for the other party to accept you at your strongest when they've only known you at your weakest. There will always be people who don't necessarily want to build you up but want you to remain insecure bc this makes them feel powerful. Ppl can be especially vulnerable to these types when going through a breakup.

Not only that, but ppl are just different when they're at their best than when they're struggling with insecurities. When I'm depressed, for example, I don't even function as the same personality type (I become very introverted, as you know), so if you intend for the "rebound" to last, the other person will have to be able to adapt as you gain your strength back AND will have to accept and encourage you to be strong and happy. If he can't, you have to cut him loose.

 

[Bright Laughter]

In the past, it took me so long to finally leave a relationship, that I by the time it officially ended, I had ended it in my head eons ago (I think you mentioned something about this in your divorce post thingy). So I'm so done and moved on, that even if I did go straight into another relationship, it was only in appearance because in my mind it was more like a year between relationships. Wait...did I say that right to make sense?

But I agree with the other INFJs, I withdraw before going into another one because I have to regroup, recenter, & be ready to take that step because I can't enter a casual relationship...it's kind of all or nothing. Not to say I didn't try very casual (hey...I was curious...I wasn't sure if I didn't do casual because of conditioning or because I personally didn't prefer it. Btw, I don't do it because it is totally not my *thing*, lol)