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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi INFJs, I need some advice.
I had a close INFJ online friend, but I betrayed her trust. We've known each other for seven years; I was extremely important to her - she put me on a pedestal and that was distressing, so a few months before that I opened up and explained the situation to her. I kept that and a lot of other things to myself for a long time because, even though she wanted me to be honest, every time I told her something she didn't like, no matter how tactful I was or how much I reassured her, she ended up crying and thinking she was a horrible person. Now I realize my mistake and I'm afraid it's too late to fix it.
She introduced me to another friend of hers, an ENFP, and we got along very well. My INFJ friend was upset even though I didn't neglect her at all and she was also very jealous - she didn't want me to talk with her friend because she didn't want to be replaced. She was constantly in a bad mood, she was very clingy and talking to her was distressful and suffocating. Moreover, I felt like she had disregarded a core value of mine, and I couldn't force myself to see her as a good person anymore.
So one day I told her I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I told her I didn't like her behavior, I was hurt, I needed to be free and so on, and I was ready to say goodbye forever. But she called me, she told me I was the most important person in her life, she told me she would change, I heard her crying and I couldn't manage to ignore that, so I gave her another chance.
However, I was still too resentful towards her. A month later we had an argument. I was very, very angry. And I told her a lot of horrible things. "You're a horrible person", "you are unable to accept people who are different from you", "you don't deserve to be happy". Things like that.
I didn't hear her for weeks. Then, slowly, I realized I was a monster. I know I deserve this, I know I'm responsible, but I miss her so much, I've changed and I will never do anything like that again.
It's been four months. I'm trying to show her I care about her and I've told her I'm sorry a thousand times, both with my actions and my words. But most of the time she ignores me, and when she doesn't she tells me she couldn't care less.
Any tips?
Please, don't tell me I'm an insensitive jerk. I already know that. Thank you.

Sorry for my bad English.
 

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I have no idea what's going on here.

What did she trust you with and how did you betray that trust?

What things specifically did you tell her that you were keeping to yourself?

What was the core value of yours that she disregarded?

What was the argument about?
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I have no idea what's going on here.

What did she trust you with and how did you betray that trust?

What things specifically did you tell her that you were keeping to yourself?

What was the core value of yours that she disregarded?

What was the argument about?
Well, we've been friends for years, I've always reassured her that I thought she was a wonderful person, she was sure I would never hurt her and, by telling her that she was a horrible human being, I made her think she couldn't trust me - I practically made her believe that I had lied to her all along, that she had never been important to me.
I told her that her expectations made me nervous and that I was afraid to express my opinion often because her reaction made me feel guilty. Which is another reason why she believes I'm untrustworthy.
It's not easy to explain. She often repeated that I could have become friends with anyone but that girl, because she thought we were too similar. That triggered something. I didn't mean to hurt her, but she still used that as an excuse to mistreat me. I don't think it matters, though - I think what I did is injustifiable, regardless of the reasons behind it.
Nothing in particular, just our opinions on the standards of our society. I practically exploded out of nowhere, because I had been repressing a lot of negative emotions.
 

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She doesn't sound like the easiest person to get along with, and seems to have had a lot of emotional baggage before you came along. You made an error in lashing out like that, but I don't think you're an insensitive jerk by any means.

The best you can do right now is apologize for your share of the argument(s), give her some space, and in the meantime investigate other ways of managing your anger should this ever happen again (whether with this friend or someone else).

The rest of this I'm writing assuming you can make up to each other--and honestly, it may be past the point of no return, but we'll see!...

Being angry at someone who can't stand being confronted is hard. You try to hold back because you don't want to trigger something, but that means the resentment just grows inside of you until you can't stand it anymore, and boom.

My advice? Maintain your boundaries and still confront her on the things she's doing that upset you, as they occur. Be gentle, of course, but don't teach her she can just throw temper tantrums or burst into tears to get you to let her off the hook. Understand those are her defense mechanisms, not necessarily indicative of the quality of your friendship together. It sounds like her biggest fear is of being abandoned because of things she can't control about herself, so reassure her that you don't intend to leave her, even while you give her the tools to be able to change her behavior towards you. Remember to take breaks whenever you start getting steamed up, too!

Overall, she has to re-learn how to trust someone and how to handle her issues without dumping them on your plate. That's going to take time. I wouldn't engage with her again if you're not ready to deal with the long haul. You're deserving of uplifting and positive friends, and it's not your job to fix anyone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
She doesn't sound like the easiest person to get along with, and seems to have had a lot of emotional baggage before you came along. You made an error in lashing out like that, but I don't think you're an insensitive jerk by any means.

The best you can do right now is apologize for your share of the argument(s), give her some space, and in the meantime investigate other ways of managing your anger should this ever happen again (whether with this friend or someone else).

The rest of this I'm writing assuming you can make up to each other--and honestly, it may be past the point of no return, but we'll see!...

Being angry at someone who can't stand being confronted is hard. You try to hold back because you don't want to trigger something, but that means the resentment just grows inside of you until you can't stand it anymore, and boom.

My advice? Maintain your boundaries and still confront her on the things she's doing that upset you, as they occur. Be gentle, of course, but don't teach her she can just throw temper tantrums or burst into tears to get you to let her off the hook. Understand those are her defense mechanisms, not necessarily indicative of the quality of your friendship together. It sounds like her biggest fear is of being abandoned because of things she can't control about herself, so reassure her that you don't intend to leave her, even while you give her the tools to be able to change her behavior towards you. Remember to take breaks whenever you start getting steamed up, too!

Overall, she has to re-learn how to trust someone and how to handle her issues without dumping them on your plate. That's going to take time. I wouldn't engage with her again if you're not ready to deal with the long haul. You're deserving of uplifting and positive friends, and it's not your job to fix anyone.
Thank you a lot. It was really helpful to read this.
 
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A month later we had an argument. I was very, very angry. And I told her a lot of horrible things. "You're a horrible person", "you are unable to accept people who are different from you", "you don't deserve to be happy".
If someone told me this, and we had no real history, or if I never at any point had real feelings for them; I would most likely act that role just to spite them for a bit and then cut them off completely.

On the flip side, if I was still playing the bad guy it would probably mean I still care about that person and I'm just trying to prove a point/teach them a lesson. Kind of like, "You think I was bad? I'll show you bad!"

Any tips?
How much money do you have to burn?
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
If someone told me this, and we had no real history, or if I never at any point had real feelings for them; I would most likely act that role just to spite them for a bit and then cut them off completely.

On the flip side, if I was still playing the bad guy it would probably mean I still care about that person and I'm just trying to prove a point/teach them a lesson. Kind of like, "You think I was bad? I'll show you bad!"
That sounds like her. But then what? What happens after I've learnt my lesson?
 

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That sounds like her. But then what? What happens after I've learnt my lesson?
If they honestly thought you learned your lesson, I'm assuming you would be put into some kind of testing phase. In that time maybe they'll do some variation of the exact same things to annoy you to see how you might react?

The stuff you said though, not going to lie, seems purposefully hurtful; I could probably let it go but never forget. So you'd probably always be on that thin line where I'm just waiting for you to fuck up again so I can say okay fuck off now. However that also depends on how close we were or how much I valued you the person i.e. what person did I imagine you to be in my head... :(

The money question was actually half serious. If you find out what they really like/want/need and go out of your way to get it for them(including a nice story about how much trouble and adventure you went through to obtain it), they might really appreciate that and see you in a better light(I probably would); it's a gift that hits on multiple fronts. Be sure there's a return policy and include a gift receipt in case the act was enough and they ask you to return it(all that trouble for you again) or they decide to return it and use the money to gift you something back.

Frustrating right?
 
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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
If they honestly thought you learned your lesson, I'm assuming you would be put into some kind of testing phase. In that time maybe they'll do some variation of the exact same things to annoy you to see how you might react?

The stuff you said though, not going to lie, seems purposefully hurtful; I could probably let it go but never forget. So you'd probably always be on that thin line where I'm just waiting for you to fuck up again so I can say okay fuck off now. However that also depends on how close we were or how much I valued you the person i.e. what person did I imagine you to be in my head... :(

The money question was actually half serious. If you find out what they really like/want/need and go out of your way to get it for them(including a nice story about how much trouble and adventure you went through to obtain it), they might really appreciate that and see you in a better light(I probably would); it's a gift that hits on multiple fronts. Be sure there's a return policy and include a gift receipt in case the act was enough and they ask you to return it(all that trouble for you again) or they decide to return it and use the money to gift you something back.

Frustrating right?
Thanks a lot for your help. I think that would be more than likely - she's already done something like that with that ENFP girl, too, even though she wasn't as important to her as I was.
Yes, it's frustrating, but I'm willing to do anything if that's what she needs. What I said was, in fact, purposefully hurtful, and she's told me a lot of times that she forgives but doesn't forget. One time her ENFP friend mistreated her and she kept reminding her what she's done for a lot of time. I have no idea whether she's stopped or not, but I'm still friends with the ENFP girl and I know that, now that I'm not in her life anymore, they're much closer than before. My INFJ friend told me how she felt about it when it happened, and she said something like: "You know, I'm not sure I will ever forgive her. I know she hasn't repeated her mistake for a long time, but I still feel she deserves to pay for what she's done". This frightens me a little, but the fact that they're practically best friends now confuses me.

I think I was the most important person in her life. I was always there for her when she needed me, she did almost nothing without my consent, she wanted to study at the university I attend in order to spend more time with me, et cetera. We were also in a relationship for a couple of years, but it was something vague and completely platonic and we eventually realized neither of us had romantic feelings for the other. There were a few aspects of my personality she didn't like, though, like the fact that I'm too implicit when we talk and the way I express my feelings (for example, sometimes while we were fighting she'd say things like: "Why aren't you crying? What's this tone of voice? You sound like you don't care at all"), and she criticised them quite often and quite harshly during the last months of our friendship, even before I met her friend; she sounded quite disappointed and resentful. I suspect this was because she noticed some of these traits in that ENFP girl too, and she was very angry with her then.

I could do something like that, but what if she simply finds it invasive and inappropriate? And what if she thinks I'm just trying to make myself seem like a good person? I've felt physically bad and I've been depressed for months because of this situation, but I don't want to mention that because she could think I'm just trying to make her feel guilty. I'm worried about myself, but I don't want her to think that she's not important enough to me.
Whatever happens after we start talking again, what upsets me the most is the fact that I feel like I will never be able to do anything about the current situation. When she replies to my texts, she says things like "I forgive you, but I don't want to be your friend anymore". Last time I tried to ask her why, her answer was "Because I'm not interested".
 

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"I forgive you, but I don't want to be your friend anymore". Last time I tried to ask her why, her answer was "Because I'm not interested".
I don't think there's anything you can really do at this point; that sounds pretty definitive. :(

The power dynamics between your friendship if you keep pursuing will just leave you feeling like shit constantly. Maybe it's better to cut it loose and focus on yourself and still be there for her if she ever truly needs you, but don't be a doormat to her every whim.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I don't think there's anything you can really do at this point; that sounds pretty definitive. :(

The power dynamics between your friendship if you keep pursuing will just leave you feeling like shit constantly. Maybe it's better to cut it loose and focus on yourself and still be there for her if she ever truly needs you, but don't be a doormat to her every whim.
Since I've felt awful recently, and I want to be there for my friends too - the happier I am, the happier I can make them -, I've tried to distract myself in order not to think about it to the point of feeling that bad again. I'm obviously not ready to let her go, and I don't know if time will make a difference, but I've been told by more than a friend of mine that, if there's nothing I can do, it's no use to worry about it, and I guess they're right.
If trying so hard is so disastrous, maybe I should simply calm down. Because I can't know for certain whether she wants me to prove something to her or she's just decided that I will never be part of her life again.
I'll wait a bit and see if something changes. I still have some hope, and I don't think I'll ever reach the point of ignoring her if she finally tells me that she's willing to give me another chance, but as for what's happening now, there probably isn't much choice.
Thanks a lot.
 

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@Runemarks You could always make a nice gesture with no expectation of her friendship, and then just let things progress how you're saying in your last post. It's obviously not going to be easy, but with the support of other people in your life; you will be okay. :)
 
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