-----First of all, sign me up for the support group.
I feel like I've been serving her my whole life already...
-----My personal experience follows
@ethylester, even in the specifics, to such an extent that it is uncanny. My attitude toward my mother is also very similar. It's not that I don't love and value her; it's that I cannot stand interacting with her, if it can truly be called interaction. She seems to be all take and no give. She seems to be all talk and never listen. Emotionally invalidating and intrusive, she seems more interested in controlling me than in understanding me--still.
-----The never visiting thing has always struck me as odd, too. But perhaps it is an Extrovert thing that friends/family out of sight and also out of mind. If you easily make new friends, it seems like friends have less worth and are mostly interchangeable (it's a supply/demand sort of thing). The way I phrased that is not meant to be mean--but I can't phrase it in a way that does not show my Introvert bias. Sorry. But I think the real reason my mother doesn't visit is because of issues of territoriality--and it is also an SJ thing, I think. She sees it as my duty to visit her--and not vice-versa. Also, when I do call, I usually end up on the receiving end of a two-hour monologue (that is not hyperbole, which I feel I need to point out to outsiders). Just having someone listen, with the occasional, "Oh, yeah?" energizes her (and drains me). She doesn't need any interaction in a phone call to get something out of it. See, it's my duty to listen. So while as an INFP (or maybe it's my Type-9) I am inclined to accommodate others' perspectives, once it becomes too one-sided, I detach. After all, when has she once, ever accommodated my perspective or tried to understand me? If you want me to speak in your love language, then speak back in mine.
-----ethylester, her phone calls to you to come over and help do chores are probably not-so-subtle reminders that you are supposed to be dutiful. Consider reading up on the 5 Love Languages if you haven't already. All of the SJs I know have Acts of Service as their primary love language. It's why they're so resistant to casual help or asking for casual help. It's why they only ask their closest friends for help and reject help from people they don't know well. It's hard for me to see chore-doing as love. It seems so self-serving and superficial. But they probably think the same about the other love languages.
-----I've read about various theories of the origins of personality type (nature v. nurture). The scientific conclusion seems to be that it is genetic, with the population percentages originating from an evolutionary balance. However, I can't help but wonder if who I would have been under a more supportive parent would have had a personality more closely corresponding to a different type. Of course, my little sister from a different mother, also likely an ESFJ, is an INFP. My stepmother is very kind and supportive, but she still has that tendency to freely direct and tell others who to be, what to do, what to thing, etc. But it is done in such a different way. It is tolerable and mostly reasonable. My little sister has a head start in life by comparison. But she is 15, and she is starting to rebel. I guess we'll see if the ship weathers the storm with less damage. For both of their sakes, I hope so.
I wonder why ESFJs are so looked down upon. Even in their healthy states, people say ESFJs are quite possibly the worst. Odd.
Healthy ESFJs are quite wonderful.
-----I wonder if the extent to which an ESFJ mother is self-aware and healthy corresponds to a positive or negative experience for INFPs who have them as parents. I wholeheartedly agree with what Julia Bell says, above. Every person and personality has value. But what happens, or what has happened for me, is that enough negative interaction with a person of a certain personality type essentially drains you of all patience for all people with that personality type. It's not fair, but it's what happens. I avoid ESFJs, but I recognize that it is because I know I cannot approach that kind of interaction positively. That's not their issue; it's mine. It only becomes their issue if they don't relent after I have explained my boundaries.
-----And, ultimately, one can end up with less and less tolerance of other personality types so that the list of people one gets along with can become quite short. Three decades into life, now, my list is quite short. I tend to get along well with other NFs, INTJs (post-college), ISFJs, and ISFPs. And to be perfectly honest, my life has been much more harmonious despite the exclusivity.
-----Unlike many Fi users, I don't view my individuality as absolute. There is a social contract. I recognize that it is reasonable to expect that a certain amount of self-restraint and limitation of expression must occur for civilization to function. However, that reasonable range is so quickly, readily, and totally surpassed (without any acknowledgment of your attempt to meet them halfway) by some people and types that I know it is impossible to get along with them, and that's fine. Yes, this country has a Constitution, but this country also has a Bill of Rights, and our individual rights are defined in terms of limitations on government (the group). The governments of the original 13 colonies refused to ratify the Constitution without a guarantee of protection of individual rights. More and more, it seems many people are forgetting that. At some point, the suppression of individuality outweighs the benefit of being a part of a group. Guess what happens then: rebellion. Having just fought with England over this very issue, the Founding Fathers and the 13 colonies valued their individual rights and realized that to survive over the long haul, the government must also respect individual rights--that the power of the group to demand conformity is limited in scope and breadth.
-----Once we lost my grandfather, my mother has been the primary caregiver for my grandmother. Since then, I have been able to better see her as authentically caring when before I saw only the negative, manipulative, controlling, judgmental, and suppressing elements of her. But because she brings out the worst in me, I tend to stay away, which is easy since several States separate us.
-----I found that PersonalityPage was very accurate on this:
-----"ESFJs are warm-hearted individuals who highly value their close personal relationships. They are very service-oriented, and their own happiness is closely tied into the happiness and comfort of those around them. They are valued for their genuine warm and caring natures, and their special ability to bring out the best in others.
They usually do not handle conflict well, and may tend to be very controlling or manipulative. Relationships are central to their lives, and they put forth a great amount of energy into developing and maintaining their close interpersonal relationships.
They expect the same from others."
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ESFJ Strengths
Put forth a lot of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Service-oriented, they want to please others
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Responsible and practical, they can be counted to take care of day-to-day necessities
Generally upbeat and popular, people are drawn towards them
Generally very good money managers
Traditionally minded and family-oriented, they will make family celebrations and traditions special events
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ESFJ Weaknesses
Generally uncomfortable with change, and moving into new territories
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Need a lot of positive affirmation to feel good about themselves
May be overly status-conscious, and interested in how others see them
Have very difficult time accepting the end of a relationship, and are likely to take the blame for the failure onto their own shoulders
Have difficulty accepting negative things about people close to them
Don't pay enough attention to their own needs, and may be self-sacrificing
May tend to use guilt manipulation as a way to get what they want
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ESFJs as Parents
-----"As parents, ESFJs are extremely committed to their roles and duties, and contain and freely express a great deal of love and affection for their children.
They expect their children to honor, respect and obey their parents, and do not tolerate well any deviance from this rule of behavior. Their Feeling preference makes it difficult for them to punish or discipline their children. If they have not worked on overcoming this issue,
they may tend to punish their children in less obvious ways, such as using guilt manipulation. This is a potential pitfall for the ESFJ to overcome. It is generally more effective and more healthy to directly issue punishment when called for."
-----"The ESFJ is very service-oriented and concerned with the comfort and happiness of those around them. Consequently, their children are likely to have their practical needs taken care of very efficiently and responsibly. Their ESFJ parents will create structured environments for the children, where their boundaries will be well-defined and known."
-----"The ESFJ's tendency to be controlling, combined with their emphasis on tradition and security,
makes it likely that they will be at least somewhat strict and controlling of their children. However, they will also be their children's strongest, loudest advocate.
Children of ESFJ parents are likely to rebel from their authority at some point, which will cause a stressful time for both parent and child. In this case,
the ESFJ natural tendency is to make their children feel guilty about their behavior.
Depending on the extent of the guilt manipulation, this may cause serious damage to the relationship."
-----"Most ESFJs are remembered fondly by their children for their genuine love and affection, and for the well-defined structure and guidelines they created for their children."
-----
ESFJ Relationships.
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-----My bias is that
I see the bold in such high definition that it is difficult to see what's not bolded (the good).