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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
For one the first times in my life, I feel angry. I've rarely been angry - I've been frustrated, upset, emotional, hurt, annoyed, irritated and whatnot, but this is one of the first times that I just feel angry at what this person has done in my life. and I feel angry at myself for letting this person do this to me (I feel angry that I internalized all the unhealthy dynamics in our friendship instead of realizing what was going on and standing up for myself).

After leaving a VERY toxic friendship with a manipulative, controlling individual, I feel damaged in many ways. I want to open up to others and trust others again, but I am having a hard time being in a relationship with anyone, whether its family, friends, teachers, or anyone. After this ordeal, I've been second guessing myself and feeling helpless in not just this issue, but in so many of the issues in my life. I want to feel empowered and feel confident about who I am again, and I want to be able to move on and completely let go.

In hindsight, this experience was traumatic, but it has allowed me to overcome a toxic friendship. Now, I am released and have the ability to pursue my dreams and see different parts of life, but I still need to overcome this struggle as well and learn to let things go. when I see this individual interact with others, I feel that things are so unjust, and I want everyone to see her for who she is - what she did to me, as well as what she did to some others in her past. For almost this entire year, I was overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness, anxiety, and feeling "lost." But now I feel anger and injustice at what was done to me, how I was used and betrayed by someone I trusted and made so many sacrifices for as a friend. I know I need to move on and I am taking many steps to actively pursue goals in my life, but there are days like today, when these emotions just flood in and it leave me unable to function and focus.

Anyway, any advice, insight or sharing of past experiences would be appreciated , thanks guys
 

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I think the best thing you can do is just cleanse all the unhealthy relatioinships. Remove these 'friends' out of your life and don't look back at all. Without completely isolating yourself from them it's going to be incredibly difficult to heal from the damage that has been done, because everytime you encounter these people again the wound you're trying to heal will be opened again. I personally believe the constant tearing open of wounds causes longterm damage; you can see this with the body--keep ripping off that scab and you're going to get a nasty scar that won't be going anywhere. It happens to the body and I believe it also can happen to the mind.

Find new friends, and think of this is a very difficult learning experience. :happy:

EDIT: Did you edit your post? I swear it was bigger when I first responded...
 

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I think the biggest issue for you is going to be you trusting a new set of freinds without being overwhelmed with negative emotions thinking of the previous freind.

You gotta see your split with your old friend as an oppertunity to find real friends. You need to shake that negativity before you can enjoy the company of someone who deserves your friendship. This is all about the power of the mind here.

Best of luck, curious! I hope you're feeling better soon.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the replies guys.

Yes I edited the post to make it vague and short, because I realized that it might overwhelm people when they read it. Yes, I've removed these 'friends' from my life and am doing my best to live my life. the only this is I was involuntarily isolated because this person asked our mutual 'friends' to choose between her and me - guess she didn't like the fact i was finally standing up for myself. Anyway, this forced-isolation is making things a lot hard. I guess it's different as opposed to me choosing to cut them all out v. being ostracized

Lately, I've been encountering these people randomly, which is probably the reason for these negative emotions reemerging.

and Btmangan - this is exactly what I've been thinking - I need to shake off this negativity before I can enjoy the company of people who actually deserve my friendship. I think this is another subconscious reason I've been keeping a guarded distance from people. I want to be emotionally healthy and happy again, and I want to be ME again, back to my old self, before I meet people who deserve my friendship.
 

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I understand what you are going threw. After my divorce I questioned myself alot and still do at times, with many of the questions you asked on here.
I felt I had put so much into and made many sacrifices, and this is what I get.
I couldnt understnd why, or how he was alright with the way he handled things and basicaly threw me under the bus with no sence of guilt at all.

For me I spent alot of time, way too much time going over these things in my head and getting different answers, I blamed myself then I blamed him.

Fact is- the sooner you put this away the better it wil become for you- I too feel very untrusting, when it took so long to establish that trust and to go threw it al over again would be the end of me ever trusting again.
So with that in mind take time for yourself but dont spend too much on the past- my situation is different but I spent over 2 years and for what.
 
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We all have them one way or another.

Show the person where you stand, make your opinions constantly stand. the "impossible" person won't want to be around that. INFJ's want push people away. All i can stay, stand your ground.
 

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I know I need to move on and I am taking many steps to actively pursue goals in my life, but there are days like today, when these emotions just flood in and it leave me unable to function and focus.
I also have trouble focusing when I'm flooded with negative emotions. What gets me through the day is very loud punk rock music and consciously trying not to pass my dark mood to other people. It's not easy at all.. but if all else fails, I just remind myself that I can still improve on it tomorrow..

I applaud you for being brave enough to get rid of toxic waste.. it's not that easy to just cut ties with friends, esp when you look back at the emotional attachment. I hope you'd be able to finally move on to be healthy and happy again:happy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Yeah, it's been hard.. But I think this year has been the year of pulling out the weeds in my life - cutting the emotional attachment is always the most painful part, but now i know the garden will have beautiful flowers that will emerge after healthy watering (since the weeds won't choke them off anymore).
 

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I cut ties fairly often. It's natural for such things to happen. I was in a hate-the-world phase a bit when I was a teenager (I think most teenagers have that phase) and was friends with someone who was similar in that respect. In retrospect I'm sure his opinions made me even more gloomy and cynical.

Eventually things started to lighten up for me, but to my surprise I feel this made the person become more hostile towards me. He hated me because I wasn't being hateful enough? Does it make sense? No.

I don't know all the details of the... toxic weeds in your garden... but right now you should take the time to cool off, let regular... nontoxic grass grow, maybe take the time to reinvent yourself a bit.

And you need to be able to open up and trust people. Don't let one bad apple ruin the bunch. If you decide not to trust anyone, you'll be alone most of your life, which is usually okay for an INFJ but you at least want people to relate to when you come out of your INFJ bear cave.
 

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I'm currently going through something similar and it's so hard! I spent this whole summer feeling lost and overly-dependent. Then I looked back through some old photos and remembered that I was a whole person before this toxic friend. I'm not and never was dependent on her. Our relationship was nice, but that doesn't mean it defines me. It's hard and I still hurt, but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm strong enough to walk away from this. Not all relationships are like this - and I look at my other friends for evidence of this fact.

I've been beating myself up for mourning this relationship, but what I realized is that mourning is ok. I care deeply about people, which means I'll grieve when relationships end. That's to be expected. As far as allowing myself to be used and mistreated, yes, that was a mistake. But I made that mistake out of kindness and compassion toward someone else. I cared for her, so I cut her some slack. If you're going to make a mistake, mistakes of compassion and kindness are the best kind to make.

But now it's time for me to be kind and compassionate toward myself, and the same goes for you. Don't blame yourself for the relationship failing, as I know we INFJ's are wont to do. Remember that everyone makes mistakes. Try to learn what you can from this and move on. Don't lock yourself away from other people or you'll miss out on loving others; guard your heart, but don't stop loving. And live wisely, not cautiously; learn from this bad experience so that your future relationships are healthier.

I wish you fast healing and better friendships. *hug*
 

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I would really honestly love to help you, but I can't.

I am still in the middle of a toxic relationship, identical to the one you just described. She makes me feel like a horrible person when I try to get out. Plus, she's going through family problems.
 

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Im in a similar situation right now, and im worried about the issue of trust with future friendships, i don't consider myself particularly gullible but it just never occurred to me that people will lie and deceive intentionally while all the while pretending to be a friend.. Anyway one thing that is making the situation slightly easier to get out of is when i opened up to this friend early on in our friendship i let them know that when im upset with someone and want them out of my life i cant look them in the eye and as i now can not maintain any form of eye contact with this friend then hopefully the message is sinking in.
As for trusting people in future? well im afraid that i will probably go on to make the same mistakes and be taken for a ride again and again. It would be good to learn a way of dealing with these people without having to tell them i don't trust them, i almost feel that by accusing them of dishonesty im being a terrible person, plus the risk of confrontation makes it easier to just wish for a magic wand, make them disappear with no fuss.
 
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