Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 174 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
No matter how small or absurd it sounds.
What do you look for when you meet a person to check if there is compatibility?
What things you can't tolerate or will make you doubt about moving forward for something with that person (sex, relationship)?
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
12,373 Posts
Suffocation—do not read over my shoulder as I write.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
42,478 Posts
Lack of empathy, underwear humor, cruelty, too much selfishness, lack if reciprocation, lack of humor, all forms for violence, cheating, huge lack of hygiene and respect for others, arrogance, one-way communication, lack of cooperation, too much interuption, screaming and swearing. Rude and evil, lack of attempt to see past behaviour and dig for true reasons, constant pessimism and complaining, constant dismissiveness of others ideas, using techniques such as strawman or ad hoc during discussions, inviting sex too way too quickly or too late when dating
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,209 Posts
🚩Doesn't want to admit when wrong or take responsibility for own actions.
I'm huge on self-improvement and having someone who will grow with me is essential. It's also necessary for 2-sided relationships, problem resolution, etc. Relationships don't work well without it, you cannot even compromise with this in the way. It's a fundamental part of any healthy relationship.

🚩Severe communication problems (including the listening / comprehension end).
Fundamental part of heathly relationships. If you can't even communicate through problems, how will you resolve them? Relationships take work. You must be able to work on them. You can't really do that if you can't even communicate with each other what the problems are.

🚩Subtle communication style (hinting, etc.).
Doesn't work for me personally. I'm kind of dense about this, I don't pick up on it. It turns into "wHy diDn'T yOu rEaD mY MiNd?" from my perspective.

🚩Sides with friends rather than facts / truth (thus defending injustices and being unfair).
Seldom do I ever truly make moral judments, but this is one in which I do. Stand up for what's right, even if it's against me. Tell me I'm wrong. I don't want to feel justified or validated in my actions so I can FEEL like I'm right even if I'm not. I want to actually be right, and sometimes that means changing my own self. Challenge me to grow. IDK, perhaps it's my 8-ness, but I can't stand this sort of injustice.

🚩Agrees with everything you say, sometimes even if it contradicts what they originally said; "Yes" man / woman.

🚩Weak-willed, "I can't," quitter attitude; will not implement solutions for no sound reason, just "I can't." Accepts wallowing around in misery instead.

🚩Victim mindset.

🚩Manipulative.

🚩Emotionally reactive.

I am a very self-improvement oriented, receptive, and well-meaning person. There is no need to yell at me for something or to make a dramatic fuss about something. It's unnecessary drama. I am already trying to do the best I can, just talk to me like I am a human being if I don't see some way that I need to do better. It complicates problem resolution or sometimes even shuts it down premturely (the problem could've been resolved but instead of listening to reason the reactive person left). Furthermore, I have lifelong history filled with abuse trauma so I am sensitive to reactivity. Also, I struggle with cognitive empathy and thus can't predict emotional reactions easily--I will experience being around you as something along the lines of walking through field of landmines. I don't know what will or won't set you off. You might think it should be obvious, but it's just not for me. Every word I say will potentially trigger you from my point of view. I will avoid you in order to have peace.

🚩Doesn't think psychology is a valid field, is skeptical or critical of it.
I have mental illnesses that significantly impact my life. It is my responsibility to manage those, though some support will be needed sometimes...but if you can't be understanding about my illnesses we just aren't compatible. I can't be with someone when I'm like "I have bipolar" and they say some stupid shit "well just exercise, don't use medications as a crutch or be dependent on them." Or if I am without medications and am curled up in bed depressive, crying, suicidal, etc. and they're like "you act like you're the only one with problems" or "just simply toughen up" or "I get sad too, I just keep going" and expect me to just keep functioning normally. If I had a doctor deem me unable to work or function without medications and even my job permitted me to go on disability leave I really don't think you have room to speak while knowing nothing about what it even is that I experience. If you do not have a disorder, your "lows" do not compare to my "lows"--a disorder is something that impairs functioning and interferes with everyday life. I'm perfectly fine with educating somebody about my illnesses, but I can't deal with someone who will minimize, invalidate, and flat out deny my experiences because "psychiatry is a sham and psychiatrists are snake oil salesmen."

🚩Prone to making assumptions / jumping to conclusions.
I'm a unique, individualistic, complex, and nuanced person on the inside. Multifarious, multiplex, dynamic, diverse, evolving, outside of the box, black sheep, independent thinker, critical thinker. If you always just assume my motives when you see my behaviors (such as "when most people do X it's because of Y, so that must be what it is with you") you will not understand me. I will be unseen, unheard. I won't even be able to believe you love me because I will feel like "you don't even truly know me, so how could you possibly love me?" I could be right beside you during 80% of my life and I will still feel as though I am on an island all alone.

🚩Argumentative.
Bruh, I do not need a bunch of drama. I dealt with it enough throughout my life. Heard it every day while I was growing up. Fuck that shit, I want a peaceful life even if it means I never get with anybody in a relationship at all. Disagreements can be done civilly and peacefully as well, but when they are like 60% of our interactions...nah, either correct yourself / improve or move along. Enjoying my life in the future is too important to me.

🚩Emotionally based - "I'm right because my feelings say so."

🚩Doesn't respect my boundaries - continuously has to be stopped from running me over.

🚩Emotionally unavailable, uninvested.

🚩Submissive in bed (2 subs don't mix kthx).

I've been with submissive guys in bed before. It isn't satisfying sex to me.
 

·
Retired Administrator
Joined
·
17,352 Posts
Doesn’t eat French fries is a turn off. French is a very romantic adjective.
How are you supposed to eat your partner's french fries if they don't ever order them?

This is intolerable in a relationship. Some people are just monsters though, and you're better off alone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
For me it's like that, for a serious long-term relationship:

1. If she doesn't believe that my plans in life are possible and/or she wants something less, deal-breaker.

2. She wants to do very few things in life or living a traditional/safe life (a satisfying career, a happy family, a quiet life). For me, this is boring and very little.

3. Stupid addictions such as smoking, alcohol, or video games are red flags.

4. If she's happy with me with less than 75% of my engines running, it's a red flag. I need someone to keep me always up, vertically, in action. If I feel that I have won her and that I satisfy her very easily, she might be too little for me and I tend to believe that I am wasting my power. It's as if I could bench press 120 kg and I have to do it with 70 kg. Yes, it is comfortable but it does not bring long term results.

5. Sexual incompatibility is a deal-breaker. By sexual incompatibility is meant: having less than 90% of fantasies in common, not having similar libido, having different views on sex and especially: NOT BEING A CHALLENGE. I want to feel that I have to get better every day to satisfy her better. And so should she. I'm not interested in mediocre sex because this can be done with anyone who owns a vagina. No technical details necessarily because those can be learned at any time. It's more about energy, the confidence you have, the way you have sex, the way you read your partner and sometimes you write.

That's where compatibility is actually seen, not in stupid things like "I like to dominate and they have to be submissive, done". It's more about chemistry during sex but MOST IMPORTANT outside of sex.

6. If she's scared or gives me the feeling that she has problems with self-esteem, it's a big turn-off. It's totally unattractive.

7. If she has a very low capacity to take initiatives, it is a deal-breaker.
By initiative I mean anything: doing something illegal, taking a quick decision, deciding something, improvising, creating opportunities.

8. If she works on a laptop, it is a red flag. We may have conflicting lifestyles. So far with less than 90% of the women I met and worked in IT I had some compatibility for something more than friends.

9. If I don't consider her and she don't consider me a source of inspiration and encouragement, it's a deal-breaker.

10. If she doesn't consider me very physically attractive or I don't consider her very physically attractive, it's a deal-breaker.

11. If I only like certain parts of her and she only likes certain parts of me, it's a deal-breaker. That's accepted only for hook ups or short term relationships.

12. If she lies or beautifies her person or life to look attractive, it is a big red flag.

13. If she has problems like she is very shy when it comes to her body, she feels uncomfortable being naked/skin exposed or looking at someone naked or has trouble being touched or touching, it's a big turn off.

14. Low energy, physically inactive. I like movement and I would like to do it in her company. If I have to slow down or take breaks or postpone physical activity for her, deal breaker.

15. If she doesn't stimulate me mentally and I feel inhibited (it's also true if I don't do that), deal breaker.

I'll add more as I remember them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,209 Posts
Having a large list of requirements is definitely a turn-off.
Sees my own large list above
I stand by all of it, dammit. It's still realistic.

Although...at a certain point, a long list of requirements becomes hilarious.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,750 Posts
I get really uncomfortable around adults who act like toddlers in that they get in my face, speak loudly to draw me out, and are physically unpredictable—like literally bouncing around, noogie-ing another pal. I don't want any part of that "fun". I don't want to spend my day avoiding getting hit by people who have no perception of what or who is around them.

Also, when someone loudly says that I'm quiet, shy, or that I need to get out more, have more fun, something like that. When they say that, I grin and heartily agree with them. I act that way around them because I don't want anything to do with them!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I don't make a list of criteria ahead of time either way. I'll know it when I see it.
Well, I don't think anyone makes a list prior.
This is about experience, not ideals.
What we met and it bothered us or what we had and absolutely liked so much that we cannot stand not having it.
 

·
Host
ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE Honorary INTJ VLFE
Joined
·
19,764 Posts
Well, I don't think anyone makes a list prior.
This is about experience, not ideals.
What we met and it bothered us or what we had and absolutely liked so much that we cannot stand not having it.
What would ultimately be "red flags" in my previous relationships were unique to that relationship. Each person is unique. Each relationship is unique (I suppose this is just my Ne talking).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
What would ultimately be "red flags" in my previous relationships were unique to that relationship. Each person is unique. Each relationship is unique (I suppose this is just my Ne talking).
Red flags can.
But this isn't just about them, this topic of discussion is also about turn offs and incompatibilities. Which has to do with your needs, preferences and expectations. Which has more to do with you than your potential partner.
 
1 - 20 of 174 Posts
Top