[modern]

So my intj best friend from high school finally "ungave" me the cold shoulder and contacted me finally. She said that she regrets thinking poorly of me for so long ( very vague description but I don't feel comfortable just posting around what she wrote for me) and doesn't want to remember our time together poorly (and that she wants to be able to look back and think well of us).

I had began to reply to her, when I started realizing some things that were true, but ugly. and I'm kinda torn between writing those things (that could potentially set her back on her path to hating me) and just saying that I do care about her and I'm sorry (which is true but has some serious omission involved)

Anyway, my question is: If you were in her position, what would you rather have? Harmony or the truth?
- "yes I know, I'm so sorry about everything. and I know that I can never take any of it back but I hope we can move forward from this."
OR
- "Yes I know, and I'm sorry but we had some serious problems that cannot be ignored. and my feelings and our bond diminished a long time ago."

(The second option is an overstatement btw).

I understand that some people just need closure and it doesn't matter what really happened and that they just need to get over it but some people place a lot of value on the truth, no matter how shitty it makes you feel. but what would you rather have?

 

[VinnieBob]

don't worry about her
you do what is best for you

 

[modern]

Neither option really affects me though, that's why all the focus now shifts to her

 

[aendern]

I would pick the red pill. Always. Given the choice.


But I'm also a type 6. So that's understandable. What Enneatype is your friend? Maybe a different type would prefer the blue pill.

 

[Springlake]

You ask if I'd rather have harmony or truth.

Well here's the thing, to me harmony IS truth, because only when the state of things have been correctly identified can they be improved and made better.

 

[Morn]

Well I'm not sure I understand where you're coming from. You don't seem to know what you want out of this new communication. Is your goal is to mend an old friendship? And if it's not, what does it really matter how you answer the question? The question becomes rather unimportant.


Anyway. I would tone down the second response it is a bit harsh, the first sentence would do. Do not lie to a person to spare their feelings, but you don't need to be brutal.

 

[BenevolentBitterBleeding]

Not an INTJ.

Apologize and take responsibility for whatever actions of yours that were inappropriate while segmenting and informing your friend of her wrong doings towards you.

If they are unable to accept - or at the very least have an open dialogue about - that to compromise and are only considerate of their own content - move on.

 

[chani8]

Another vote for harmony is truth.

Only say what needs to be said to settle with harmony, and if you are not interested in reinstating the relationship, state that as well. That does not detract from harmony, it's setting a boundary. No explanation is needed. Something like, "Indeed, let's reflect warmly on our past relationship, but just know that I've moved on and don't want to resume our relationship."

 

[Coopsickle]

I would just say it how it is... ball is in her court, if she wants to forgive and forget and that is what you want, then go ahead, brush it under the mat an move on but then there is also to problem of unresolved issues which can cause bad feelings later on. Better to get it all out in the open at the beginning than having to rehash it all later. Personally, I would like to know where I stood when it was all said and done. I wouldn't reopen a friendship because I think I should, I would do it because that is what I want... you should certainly know where you stand if you get it all out in the open.

 

[Green Girl]

Neither option really affects me though, that's why all the focus now shifts to her

But they will affect you. Do you want to restart this friendship? Or just let it die? Do you personally want to dig out old painful memories, or do you want to let them alone? Do you need closure on that part of your life, or are you okay with it? Any exchange like this is about both of you, not just her. She let you know what she wants. But what do you want?

If you truly don't care, that probably means you aren't interested in having a friendship and are okay with letting the past alone. In that case, there isn't much point in rehashing your grievances. It would be painful and not useful in any way to you. I'd just be polite and then walk away.

 

[Dao]

I would instruct her to move on. This person wants to resuscitate a relationship with you in order to relieve her emotional turmoil. This is about her and not you and that is one reason why I would not accede to her request.

The other reason I why I would opt out is because the relationship did not work out and the reasons why that happened need to be respected. A relationship that is built on ignoring ugly truths is bound to fail.

 

[lilysocks]

would it be truthful (and satisfying to you) to just say that your friendship meant a lot to you too, back in the day? the fact that both of you have moved on since then might or might not be something you have to spell out, but imo it's a separate truth. and it kind of seems to me like she wrote to you with a specific truth and possibly a very specific motive: to correct or make reparation for a specific sect ion of your friendships' timeline.

i've never taken well to receiving those universal-grovel emails from infps, just so you know ;-) it's not that i want to undermine your intent, but the effect on me has never been one of 'harmony' i just feel like i'm being avoided/evaded/placated/shut up. typically it gives me the reflex 's/he must think i'm as dumb as a rock'. so if it's not sincere on your part anyway, i probably wouldn't bother to make the sacrifice just for her sake. harmony behaviour tends to enrage me, to tell you the truth.

 

[aendern]

harmony behaviour tends to enrage me, to tell you the truth.

Me too! But at the same time, I wish I were way better at it.