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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I would really appreciate some advice. I recently visited an ISFP guy that I’d dated for a few months. We stopped talking when he moved. I was willing to try the long-distance thing, he wasn’t. About 5 months later he called and during the conversation invited me out to visit. I went a month later. We got along well initially. I planned on doing the friend thing and letting him make a move either way. I couldn’t really get a read from him until he suggested we share his room. We eventually hooked up. I was totally confused. I felt vulnerable, and when that happens I get defensive. He acted weird right for a little while, but then started to call and text me frequently while he worked. We laughed a lot. He showed me his office. He kept suggesting all this fun stuff we should do and even ended up ditching work early to come home. I don’t think we spent more than 2 hours apart while I was there. Things went to crap when the girl he’d been dating ended up out with a group of us one night. He’d mentioned I might see her before I went which would’ve been fine had we been doing the friend thing, but since we’d slept together I was totally uncomfortable. I also got the feeling he’d downplayed their relationship a bit which pissed me off. I accused him of withholding information so I’d sleep with him. He didn’t say much at all. The girl was totally staking her claim. His roommate was hitting on me. I got drunk and was a complete wreck. In other words, it was one big cluster f**k. The next day I’d decided to leave, he told me he wanted to put me in a hotel—I’m not really sure who suggested the leaving first though. When I asked why he even invited me, he totally exploded. He was yelling all sorts of craziness, but the worst was when he said was that I’d come out there to rekindle something he never felt in the first place. He apologized right after I left and said he felt backed into a corner. I didn’t act the slightest bit phased in front of him, but I was crushed. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been four weeks.

This is driving me crazy. I HATE when people are mad at me. I honestly think both of us had every intention of trying to make the friend thing work and then just sort of got caught up. Or maybe he did just want to get laid, but that doesn't seem likehim I really want to talk to him to at least leave things on a cordial note. I was going to write. Do you think he’ll even read it? How long should I wait? Should I just let him contact me if he wants to talk again? How much of what he said when he was feeling attacked should I believe? Should I just cut my losses?
 

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Tricky situation. It doesn't sound like he'd invite you all the way over to where he lives just to get laid. From reading this, it seems like he really liked you but I'm kind of confused on how it all turned so negative all of a sudden. I also don't understand why he'd blow up at you for asking him a legitimate question.

If he's truly an F, I'm sure he does want to talk to you or at least thinks about the situation often. Four weeks is too long to feel uncomfortable, so if he's not going to initiate anything, I think you should. If you write to him, he'll read it. You could always send him a quick message saying "Call me when you get a chance" or something of that sort. That way the ball is in his court and if he doesn't contact you (I think he will), then you'll at least know you've done everything in your power.
 

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If it were me, I would cut my losses as you can find so much better for yourself. It sounds like he is conflicted between what you have together and his perception that there could be no long term relationship, however ISFP's like my own personality type have difficulty in moving on from old relationships when they are due. If this other girl was out of the picture I would almost guarantee he'll want you back, but hopefully by that time you have moved on to greener pastures. Power to those that can do this, but trying to be friends after a LTR is generally not a good idea when the breakup is not entirely mutual. I also think the fact he was so defensive from your questioning, shows that he is evading something from you. If I were in your shoes, it wouldn't be worth knowing based on how he acted. Just my 2 cents.
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
BassClef, the only reason I thought the friendship thing would work is because nothing really bad happened between us--we just weren't dating anymore. Of course that was before my trip At this point though, I'm not interested in a relationship. I just hate leaving things on bad terms is all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
Tricky situation. It doesn't sound like he'd invite you all the way over to where he lives just to get laid. From reading this, it seems like he really liked you but I'm kind of confused on how it all turned so negative all of a sudden. I also don't understand why he'd blow up at you for asking him a legitimate question.

If he's truly an F, I'm sure he does want to talk to you or at least thinks about the situation often. Four weeks is too long to feel uncomfortable, so if he's not going to initiate anything, I think you should. If you write to him, he'll read it. You could always send him a quick message saying "Call me when you get a chance" or something of that sort. That way the ball is in his court and if he doesn't contact you (I think he will), then you'll at least know you've done everything in your power.
Wait a minute. After reading through some of the posts by ISFPs about anxiety and relationships it seems to me that they do a good job of making others feel they're special, when really that's kind of how they are with everyone. The person ends up more invested than the ISFP and the ISFP goes along with it because they don't want to hurt feelings. However eventually the ISFP will feel trapped and make a clean break. Do you think that's what happened here? Maybe he asked me out there on a whim, and then when I actually took him up on the offer he'd changed his mind and didn't want to tell me because my feelings would be hurt. He said I made him more anxous than anyone he's ever met. Plus, his tendency to go along with things would explain his "you came to rekindle something I never felt" comment. Once he figured out how much more invested in things I was than him he realized it was time to nip it in the bud. He said I don't listen unless he screams it, so that explains the yelling. If this is true, the fact that he slept with me makes him a total dick.
 

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One theory - and I could be completely off the wall here - but the relationship I'm in had a very very rocky start. The trouble is, he speaks as he finds, and acts on the spur of the moment. If the words or the actions hurt, or he perceives they have, he gets the mindset "I've effed up bad, really bad, if I hide or keep quiet or keep out of way it might just all go away/I have no chance now."

Although the situation was very different, I did what RyRyMini says above - got in contact. If I hadn't have kept on pushing, I wouldn't have broken his barrier to find the very loving person underneath.

Of course, you have to ask if this guy is worth it. I know that you as an NTP also don't care jack about stereotypes, whether girls should go chasing guys yahdeyahda. I chased mine. It was worth it.
 
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Eek. I've read about this stuff happening with other ISFPs too..we really dislike feeling trapped, that is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever. Like you say, we don't want to hurt the other person, so we hang onto them for as long as we can tolerate it and then escape quickly without another peep. I'm not sure if that's what has happened here since usually it doesn't involve yelling or confrontation. Plus, it doesn't sound like you acted any more invested in him than he was in you. I still kind of affirm that he's in the wrong here and you should demand (lightly :p) an explanation.

One theory - and I could be completely off the wall here - but the relationship I'm in had a very very rocky start. The trouble is, he speaks as he finds, and acts on the spur of the moment. If the words or the actions hurt, or he perceives they have, he gets the mindset "I've effed up bad, really bad, if I hide or keep quiet or keep out of way it might just all go away/I have no chance now."

Although the situation was very different, I did what RyRyMini says above - got in contact. If I hadn't have kept on pushing, I wouldn't have broken his barrier to find the very loving person underneath.

Of course, you have to ask if this guy is worth it. I know that you as an NTP also don't care jack about stereotypes, whether girls should go chasing guys yahdeyahda. I chased mine. It was worth it.
I totally do the thing you wrote in the first paragraph - if I say or do something wrong I completely retreat. Also, I want to applaud you for following your heart. :D That sounds clichéd, but I had to say it because it sounds like you ended up with a positive, fulfilling relationship.
 

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I totally do the thing you wrote in the first paragraph - if I say or do something wrong I completely retreat. Also, I want to applaud you for following your heart. :D That sounds clichéd, but I had to say it because it sounds like you ended up with a positive, fulfilling relationship.
Heh. Very un-INTP I know. What was very INTP was the fact the guy fascinates me, did then, still does. So even though you could say, quite rightly, that I was following my heart, my head needed him too.:happy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 · (Edited)
One theory - and I could be completely off the wall here - but the relationship I'm in had a very very rocky start. The trouble is, he speaks as he finds, and acts on the spur of the moment. If the words or the actions hurt, or he perceives they have, he gets the mindset "I've effed up bad, really bad, if I hide or keep quiet or keep out of way it might just all go away/I have no chance now."

Although the situation was very different, I did what RyRyMini says above - got in contact. If I hadn't have kept on pushing, I wouldn't have broken his barrier to find the very loving person underneath.

Of course, you have to ask if this guy is worth it. I know that you as an NTP also don't care jack about stereotypes, whether girls should go chasing guys yahdeyahda. I chased mine. It was worth it.
I thought he was worth it which is why I went 2300 miles away to see him. However, now I'm torn. If I use my head and look at the facts I should be super pissed and hurt and take what he said at face value. And I'm REALLY trying to do that. I've been trying to get pissed, and be hurt, and all that other stuff. But I just can't shake this feeling that there's more to it than what I can see. I can't decide if I'm so narcissistic I can't accept that someone would think such horrible things about me, I'm so neurotic I can't stand when someone doesn't like me, or if I truly don't believe he meant them. And it's not a self-esteem thing...I know I'm not any of the things he said, so it isn't like I think I deserved any of it. I just sometimes feel that the *why* for things people do can sometimes make the *what* not quite as bad as it looks on the surface if that makes sense.

The problem is that I don't make judgements based on feelings, so I can only kind of guess what those decisions would look like. I also don't get emotional in stressful situations or during conflict--I become extremely logical and remain very controlled. So again, I don't know how much people will say during a blind rage that they really don't mean. My dilemna is that I know how uncomfortable it makes me to have someone profess love if I don't feel it back. I don't want to do that with someone, especially when they've specifically said " I never felt anything for you in the first place". However I know I am a very difficult person to read and don't talk about feelings unless I'm practically held at gunpoint (at least until I feel it's safe to do so), so I don't know that he really had any idea I had feelings for him. I don't know if that had any bearing on the rest of it, but if my instincts about him are at all correct, I think I may have jumped to the wrong conlusions initially.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Eek. I've read about this stuff happening with other ISFPs too..we really dislike feeling trapped, that is physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, whatever. Like you say, we don't want to hurt the other person, so we hang onto them for as long as we can tolerate it and then escape quickly without another peep. I'm not sure if that's what has happened here since usually it doesn't involve yelling or confrontation. Plus, it doesn't sound like you acted any more invested in him than he was in you. I still kind of affirm that he's in the wrong here and you should demand (lightly :p) an explanation.


I totally do the thing you wrote in the first paragraph - if I say or do something wrong I completely retreat. Also, I want to applaud you for following your heart. :D That sounds clichéd, but I had to say it because it sounds like you ended up with a positive, fulfilling relationship.
I think he tried to do the quick escape thing by telling me he was going to put me in a hotel. He said there wasn't really anything else to say. I asked him why he asked me to come if he never wanted me there in the first place and that's when he blew up. I think the combo of me being in his house prevented the quick getaway and the fact that I confronted him is what caused the freak out.
 

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There is a possibility that the chance of being with that other girl is confusing him further. I'd suggest that you be upfront and tell him everything you feel. E-mail. then call. Get everything out in the open. And even after that he is not into you,it is better to leave him be. After all, you can do only this mch. :proud: i wish you all the best!
 
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