[KiwiAmericanBoy]

OK, so I think this is a pretty straight forward question.

Been chatting to this great girl via a dating website for a week or so, (i'm new to the internet dating thing), seems like we really hit it off. I'm an EN(T/F)J and she's an INFP.

INFPs and ENFJs are supposed to be quite compatible? So I am SUPER interested to find out where this possible relationship might go...

So after maybe 40 or 50 interactions, I segway-ed to asking her out on a date, I gave her a few choices, and probably made the mistake of suggesting a "real date", (i.e. Symphony, Art gallery, etc) as well as suggested just a chill out coffee as an option.

I now realize this may have been a little too much too soon for an INFP? Also giving her 3-4 choices, again, INFPs don't really enjoy having to make choices much, apparently?

Anyway, she said yes to a coffee early the following week.

I tried to leave her alone for a few days, give her space, you know the typical, "don't want to come on too strong" thing, but I "caught" her looking at my profile a few times, so I said a small "Hope you're having a great weekend".

She came back saying this.

"Thanx a lot. Hope you're havin a good weekend"

And then a few minutes later this.

"I'm sorry NAME
I don't think I can meet up on tuesday
actually not in a good place right now
thanks a lot for the great chats
I really hope you meet someone lovely"

I said this

"I understand NAME,
I hope it wasn't something I said.
You seem like a truly interesting person so always open to chatting in the future if you like."

And She said

"Thanks for understanding!
Wish you the best in everything"

The ENTJ in me wants to dig deeper and see if I can just talk her into meeting up, I'm pretty charming in person lol

But understanding ENFPs a little, maybe it's best I do nothing for a while and come back in a week or so and just say Hi?

She says she's not in a good place right now, so maybe she just needs the famous INFP space,

or

Is this the classic INFP, WAY over thinking things gig, and she just needs me to bust on in and say "Well, I know you need space right now, but I think you're awesome, and don't want to miss out on getting to know you more, so here I am bugging you anyway". I'm a pretty bold guy, not afraid of embarrassing myself.

All advice welcome, honestly at a total lost on how to handle this.

 

[KiwiAmericanBoy]

She did end up actually deactivate her profile, so now the only way I could get a hold of her, is by perhaps dropping a note off at her Hospital where she works or at her church. How I could make that work without seeming stalkerish I don't know.

Not infatuated here, just hate missing out on something that may be awesome, before even getting a chance to see if there where sparks.

 

[Chamberlain]

I now realize this may have been a little too much too soon for an INFP? Also giving her 3-4 choices, again, INFPs don't really enjoy having to make choices much, apparently?

I'm only speaking for myself here, but if I were in this situation (I've never tried internet dating and usually don't try to meet people IRL, usually because they just live on another continent), being given several choices could look like a "hey, do you want to do this? Do that? Go there? See that? COME ON JUST TELL ME!". For me, it's not really a question of making choices, it's just that sometimes it looks like I'm forced to come up with a response. I don't know if I made my point though, hm...

ENFJ and INFP are said to be compatible because they have the same cognitive functions but they turn the other way around (Fe Ni Se Ti versus Fi Ne Si Te). On the other hand, ENTJ and INFP have two functions in common (Fi and Te) but Fi is INFP's dominant and ENTJ's inferior, and vice versa for Te. IMO they're compatible too (speaking from experience, but I only have the non-romantic experience here).

The fact that she deactivated her profile isn't a very good sign... then again I'm just making assumptions based on what you've written. When I decide to deactivate my account on a website, it's usually that I don't want to deal with the people I've met there anymore.

I don't really think that it would be that stalkerish to drop a note, well that's only if she did display her info about her job publicly. She might or might not answer to the note, depending on 1) how it's formulated and 2) how much time has passed between the last time you guys spoke and the time you left the note.

Hope this helps.

 

[omgitsangela]

I hate to say it, but you should probably just leave her alone. At this point, all you've lost is a chat partner. I'd suggest finding a new one that's open to you, and letting this one figure her shit out. If she ever reactivates the profile, you could try again. But I know when I say that I'm not in a good place, I mean it, and I need time without distractions.

 

[KiwiAmericanBoy]

I'm only speaking for myself here, but if I were in this situation (I've never tried internet dating and usually don't try to meet people IRL, usually because they just live on another continent), being given several choices could look like a "hey, do you want to do this? Do that? Go there? See that? COME ON JUST TELL ME!". For me, it's not really a question of making choices, it's just that sometimes it looks like I'm forced to come up with a response. I don't know if I made my point though, hm...

Yeah, the standard advice given to us guys is, lead by doing the asking, and make her feel apart of it by giving her some options, sorry if this seems sexest, but truely I have found that most woman appreciate this way of approaching things in a, first date kinda thing. Mind you normally only 2 choices are good, I provided 4, lol.

After reading up on INFP stuff, I realized this may have been too heavy for someone like her.

I got your point and thanks for the knowledge.

The fact that she deactivated her profile isn't a very good sign... then again I'm just making assumptions based on what you've written. When I decide to deactivate my account on a website, it's usually that I don't want to deal with the people I've met there anymore.

I'm pretty confident I didn't insult her, or make her feel weird, in fact, we were really laughing and joking around right up until I asked her out. I'd take a stab and say she deactivated because, IMHO, like a lot of people on internet dating sites, they are there to get a feel about how to get back in the game, it's a safer place emotionally, because of the distance and control that can be had. And when that actual opportunity comes up to go on a real date, it can open up a bit of can of worms.

So, I'd take a stab and say this is a likely reason for the deactivation.

Also if I read ENFPs correctly, she realized she wasn't ready for something (i.e. I'm in a bad place right now), and so said no to me after saying yes, and then felt bad and didn't just want to stay on site and make it seem rude...I guess...

I don't really think that it would be that stalkerish to drop a note, well that's only if she did display her info about her job publicly. She might or might not answer to the note, depending on 1) how it's formulated and 2) how much time has passed between the last time you guys spoke and the time you left the note.

Well her profile didn't say it, but she told me she was a Pediatrican, and there's only one childrens hospital in the area, and she told me which church she goes to. Both ways I could track her down pretty easy, and get a sweet and simple note to her. Still concerned that she would see it as stalkerish, on the other had some may see it as sweet that I went out of my way to track her down?

Any more thoughts on this?

 

[KiwiAmericanBoy]

I hate to say it, but you should probably just leave her alone. At this point, all you've lost is a chat partner. I'd suggest finding a new one that's open to you, and letting this one figure her shit out. If she ever reactivates the profile, you could try again. But I know when I say that I'm not in a good place, I mean it, and I need time without distractions.

I know some woman who when a guy asks them out on a first date, even a coffee, they start thinking things like, can I have children with this man, and will he make a good lover. lol

Is it common for an ENFP to make a big deal out of first dates like this, not mocking you, I respect if you take these things seriously.

But I say this to say, is it likely this is what happened here?

The reason I say this, is you advice for me to "let this one figure her shit out"

Also, more my plan is moving towards waiting a little while, to give her space, and then dropping her a note, any advice on this is appreciated.
- When you guys need space, is that for a day, a week? I've read that when ENFPs are socialized out, they can disappear for 1-2 weeks at a time?
- I think the note should be super relaxed and non-thretening, something like.

"Hey there NAME, I hope it's cool that I drop you a note, you just seemed like such a unique person, It'd be cool to get to know you more, even as friends, if you're up for a coffee sometime, drop me a line, ###-###-####, Cheers, NAME"

To be honest, I just felt a real click with this gal, unusual for me, so I guess I'd really like to see where it could go, without making her feel uncomfortable or pushing her boundaries.

Cheers

S

 

[Chamberlain]

^ your note sounds all good to me.

The time I need depends on the person, really. I can't stand not talking to my best friends for more than two days, but in general I need a week. I can also disappear for a month, but right now I'm in a particular situation (exchange student = I know that I won't meet 95% of the people I've met ever again).

I think it's nice to let people know that you genuinely feel like there's a click. But the "oh he wants to get a cup o' coffee?" leading to "What would our babies look like" way of thinking isn't uncommon for sure for certain gals aha.

 

[starryskies]

You seem like you are a very nice guy. And yes I was under the impression that ENFJ and INFP are suppose to be one of the best combinations, but I have also heard that a big difference in Introversion/extroversion can cause long term problems in a relationship... I am really confused by it all honestly.

I have reacted similarly in situations like that before in terms of feeling like I want to run away from possibilities, both with relationships and friendships, for me it stems from the feeling that people don't understand me and that I cannot meet their expectations of me. You didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't take it personally, whatever reasons she has. If she really is in a bad place right now then its not a good time to be starting a relationship and would leave you ending up feeling really frustrated in the end.

Finally I would say don't worry too much about finding an INFP girl just because studies say it should work out well, that's just silly, figuring out someone's personality (which includes so many things beyond MBTI) is the exciting journey you take when you are dating someone. Ultimately I think you can have a happy and successful relationship with any type.

 

[KiwiAmericanBoy]

^ your note sounds all good to me.

The time I need depends on the person, really. I can't stand not talking to my best friends for more than two days, but in general I need a week. I can also disappear for a month, but right now I'm in a particular situation (exchange student = I know that I won't meet 95% of the people I've met ever again).

I think it's nice to let people know that you genuinely feel like there's a click. But the "oh he wants to get a cup o' coffee?" leading to "What would our babies look like" way of thinking isn't uncommon for sure for certain gals aha.

lol, yeah, I have a twin sister, so I've been let into a women's world, just a little.

OK, thanks for the reassurance on the note. So maybe give it 2 weeks. My hope is she'll think it sweet that I still thought of her after 14 days?

Cheers again

 

[KiwiAmericanBoy]

I have reacted similarly in situations like that before in terms of feeling like I want to run away from possibilities, both with relationships and friendships, for me it stems from the feeling that people don't understand me and that I cannot meet their expectations of me. You didn't do anything wrong and you shouldn't take it personally, whatever reasons she has. If she really is in a bad place right now then its not a good time to be starting a relationship and would leave you ending up feeling really frustrated in the end.

Finally I would say don't worry too much about finding an INFP girl just because studies say it should work out well, that's just silly, figuring out someone's personality (which includes so many things beyond MBTI) is the exciting journey you take when you are dating someone. Ultimately I think you can have a happy and successful relationship with any type.

Thanks Star,

"for me it stems from the feeling that people don't understand me and that I cannot meet their expectations of me."

That is exactly what I think happened. You worded that perfectly. Thank you.

And Oh I'm not looking for a ENFP, this gal just kinda caught me, and it was a pleasant surprise to find out she's an ENFP, I didn't even know ENFP where a good choice for me.

Keep the awesome advice coming guys, thanks a bunch.

S

 

[omgitsangela]

I know some woman who when a guy asks them out on a first date, even a coffee, they start thinking things like, can I have children with this man, and will he make a good lover. lol

Is it common for an ENFP to make a big deal out of first dates like this, not mocking you, I respect if you take these things seriously.

But I say this to say, is it likely this is what happened here?

The reason I say this, is you advice for me to "let this one figure her shit out"

Also, more my plan is moving towards waiting a little while, to give her space, and then dropping her a note, any advice on this is appreciated.
- When you guys need space, is that for a day, a week? I've read that when ENFPs are socialized out, they can disappear for 1-2 weeks at a time?
- I think the note should be super relaxed and non-thretening, something like.

"Hey there NAME, I hope it's cool that I drop you a note, you just seemed like such a unique person, It'd be cool to get to know you more, even as friends, if you're up for a coffee sometime, drop me a line, ###-###-####, Cheers, NAME"

To be honest, I just felt a real click with this gal, unusual for me, so I guess I'd really like to see where it could go, without making her feel uncomfortable or pushing her boundaries.

Cheers

S

I don't think it was necessarily the pressure coming from you, or any expectations she had about your possible relationship. (FWIW I personally do think far ahead about people I meet, just because I love imagining possibilities.) Starryskies is on the right track - her hesitation has nothing to do with you directly.

The note isn't an awful idea, but I don't think it's a good one either, just because she already told you how she was feeling. If she'd wanted to go out for coffee with you, she would have. Again, this probably has nothing to do with you. She needs to figure her own shit out, meaning she has some other obstacle to overcome or process to sustain. When she's ready, she may be available again, but it's nothing to plan around. To me it sounds like you've already made up your mind to leave that note. You'll have to accept that it really might scare her off; you'll be transcending the internet and becoming physical without her permission (if that makes sense). You will indeed be pushing boundaries, but if that is a risk you are willing to take, then I sincerely wish you luck.

I hope I don't sound too discouraging, I'm just trying to be practical here. :happy:

 

[Lucyintheskyyy]

sounds like she started 2 think u were an internet pervert. sorry to say, but asking her out probably made her suspicious.of course, if she doesn't think ur an internet pervert, than u probably shouldn't have suggested so many choices for a date. she probably feels anxious about what UR preferred date is, and doesn't want to choose by herself.

 

[Chamberlain]

I am not entirely sure how giving different options for a meeting / date is similar to being an "internet pervert". Also, "a few" isn't generally considered as "so many".

Back to topic.

About the "stalkerish" thingy: In my opinion you'll only look like a stalker if you still try to contact her if she doesn't answer to your first note. Insisting is sometimes very off-putting, especially for an INFP who needs their own time.

 

[Austengirl753]

i say wait a little then drop the note. the next move is up to her. if she never responds then you let it go and move on, if she does then great...what have you got the lose?

 

[WickerDeer]

She is sorting out her stuff right now, and giving her a note at the hospital does seem to be crossing boundaries. Also, she wants to be left alone right now. You want to communicate--but I don't think you should do it like that.

I've never internet dated--can you send her a note on her online account even when it's not active? And can she just pick it up if she chooses to reactivate her account?

Personally, I am a pretty curious person. I tend to be conflicted between wanting to be unaffected and emotionally controlled (and safe), and being intensely curious with a tendency to ruminate about the most emotionally evocative possibilities.

If I was to imagine myself in the situation you're describing--I wouldn't have been thinking "oh, what would our kids be like?" But I might have had feelings for you that I hadn't figured out, and that might have made me feel vulnerable. And that compounded with the fact that you are a guy from online who is not trusted yet (she hadn't even met you), would make me feel conflicted and want to withdraw to "figure shit out." You could be a serial killer for all I know.

But this is all speculation. She might be interested. She might not. She was clear about wanting to withdraw. I don't think you should go to her work. I think you should send her a note online and then go about your life.

Edit: Also, your question reminds me of this advice thing I read in a fashion magazine I found in the staff lounge at work (so it's probably not the best, but I agree with some of it). The author basically said something like "she could be a guy."

I think in the future it's probably best to meet with a person offline before developing feelings for them. I think maybe it's best to have a blend of written and in-person communication.

 

[KiwiAmericanBoy]

Test

 

[infpaul]

If you're messaging someone on an internet dating site and it's going well, try and organise a date within the first 10 messages or so. The whole reason you're on there is to date people, and you can get a very different vibe off someone once you actually meet them in the flesh.

Try your best not to get too hooked on anyone until you've had a few solid dates. I wouldn't try contacting her again, keep messaging other women and have as many dates as possible. It's a numbers game, and unfortunately it can be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. However, the more dates you have, the more confident you'll get and the better you'll be able to judge if you're compatible with the other person.

Good luck and enjoy the experience!