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i'm... currently in a relationship , and have been for 6 weeks as of this coming wednesday... my girlfriend is seemingly very happy, and i'm glad, and she makes me the happiest ever but something i continually picked up on was that every time i said "i love you" she wouldn't return it after the first week or so. i'm... kind of really quite so very affectionate, and... yeah, i say it to her a lot, and reassure her that she is wonderful and just amazing when she doesnt need reassurance but i still do it because i'm weird like that, haha.
but, yeah... on that note that she won't return "i love you" anymore, i was eventually persuaded by a very close friend whom we both go to for advice to tell her that i'm feeling insecure about it, and... so i did, last night. and i got the "just because i dont say it doesn't mean i don't mean it" thing; whilst reassuring and just... really nice, it apparently wasn't good enough for my emotions. i'm still restless, i'm still internally upset about it and paranoid that she doesn't love me, and i still crave her words of affirmation even though she probably has better things to do.
on that note, when our relationship started we had been quite good friends; that is, she was someone i could always depend on and she was just... logical and yet imaginitive at the same time. a point of interest is that before i started dating her i was drinking regularly and recreationally using marijuana-- however, my girlfriend is a mormon and to date her i had to give those, and masturbation AND caffeine, up. (yeah, she means THAT much to me.) i'd sacrifice anything for her, she means the world to me, and i would do anything to make her happy. i don't want her to change, though.
which is why i'm afraid to confront her about the affirmation; that is, in case she feels obliged to return my apparent affection and it makes her uncomfortable, or she changes and so do her feelings. just... looking for some advice on how to go upon it.
i talk to her every day and make a point out of it, and i'm careful not to waste quality time we spend together. i really do like her a lot, and every time we talk, every time i say goodbye i say "i love you" but don't get it back. but... i think i need it. but i cant tell her. i don't want her to think any less of me because of it, or... i don't know
i seemingly can't get over this selfish lust for her attention, affirmation... approval. but i want her to be happy, but i'm kind of suffering as it is. but she's happy, so it's okay i guess but... ugh, how many buts can i get in here? jeez, sorry, internal conflict.
thank you very, very much for reading...?
sorry for.... just all of this, it's... kind of pathetic, but thanks.
very much.
yeah.
 

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"Just because someone doesn't love you they way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."

Ah the struggles of being an INFP, we always need that positive affirmation. The fact that she doesn't seem to be the type to give it, naturally sends off a bit of a red flag in terms of long term compatibility.

Honestly, in all my relationships I certainly say "i love you" ad nauseum, but I always get it in return. To imagine NOT receiving it back would certainly hit me hard, just like it seems to be hitting you. I think, gradually, I'd probably break up with her simply based on her weak displays of affection.

With regards to you, I don't suspect she'll randomly become affectionate, nor will your desire for affirmation suddenly dissipate.

Some women value the words highly and only use it during moments of intense emotions. They feel that saying it too often devalues it. That's certainly understandable, right? Obviously you and I enjoy saying it as a sense of reassurance, commitment, and well wishes.

If I was in your position, I'd light the fire even hotter. Do more romantic gestures (not clingy stuff, but I mean nice dinners, romantic picnics, whatever) and see if you can invoke more sentimental emotions from her. If she does say it during those times then it affirms the above belief that she highly values the words. If she does not, then some discussion may need to take place. I know you already did that, but it sounded like it was awkward, but I could be wrong.

Anyways, hope I was reading you right. Also, your thoughts weren't pathetic whatsoever, if anyone thinks that then they can go fuck themselves. Thanks for sharing, let us know what you end up doing.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
"Just because someone doesn't love you they way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have."
i'm irritated with myself that despite constantly being told this i can't accept it; i still want the affirmation even though it won't have any lasting effect besides reassurance for me and extra effort for her...
i like her a lot, daresay i love her, and that's why i don't want to break up with her. but i don't want to lose her by requesting she change for my benefit, either...
yeah, she's... good with words, i suppose? but it's never those, haha, just those three words or lackthereof can make all the difference to whether i'm happy or sad
it was exceptionally awkward; it took all the courage and self-confidence i could muster to even say that to her, but for what result? reassurance, which i couldn't carry on without, but not the words i need, i guess
but... i don't want to lose her, and, yeah... thanks for the advice, i'll certainly light the fire as you say, however i... don't think i can have a "discussion" again any time soon with her...
thank you, you are very much very wonderful and i appreciate every word of what you said to me.
 

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It sounds like even just talking about it anonymously on the internet is tough. I can only imagine it's even rougher to do it to someone you're in love with.

I think part of it is based on your confidence, while the other is just based on how she shows her feelings. I imagine she shows that she cares in other ways, beyond just those words. Try to pay attention to those little things she may do for you, maybe the way she looks into your eyes or holds your hands. There are more ways to say "I love you" than just the words themselves.

Right now, it feels like you're shaking even just typing. I think you may want to look into some changes in your life to try to boost your confidence levels. It almost sounds like you're relying on her "I love you"'s to fill in that void. I truly recommend you try to evaluate some of your insecurities, beyond just what you described in here and look at ways you may counteract it. Sometimes just opening up about them is one of the best ways to start.

Just remember, if you ever need to vent on here, in the confession thread, or whatever, just do it. A lot of people do that on here and in some ways, just the act itself helps them grow.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
it's... upsetting
i feel like i'm too sensitive, that i should be above this because honestly i don't think i'm being... right
i live in england, it's currently 4am on a school night and my insecurities are preventing me from sleeping, because i lie down and i think of her and i get concerned and all this stress builds up and i just come back for advice from here or a friend again and again at ridiculous hours
i don't know what to do; she told me a month or so ago that i shouldn't worry about being alone, nor should i worry that she doesn't feel the same as she is in a relationship with me
i want to be open with her, and i want her to be open with me
but i don't think i can be open, not entirely, because it's just... not like me, i guess
i talk to her for a good 3-4 hours a day; more on weekends, and it just feels so... right. but it's like i'm not satisfied with that feeling of 'rightness' until she says those words. like i'm waiting for things she'll never say.
but you're saying i can change that if i just talk to her about it? i'm scared if i change that one thing, everything else will change too and it'll all fall to shit-- which i really, really don't want happening
i'm scared that i'll lose her and i'm scared it'll be written off as "just another one of those teen crushes" when i think this is special and i think it has the potential to be something brilliant and i'm scared she's not afraid of losing me
that's why i feel selfish; i think i'm scared that she's not as worried as i am, but at the same time i don't want her to be worried as worrying is bad but if she isn't worried then she doesn't care and if she doesn't care then...
it's... complicated
and kind of upsetting
happens, eh
...thank you very much for the advice, again
 

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Not getting enough sleep will certainly screw you over no matter what. In the future, I'd recommend some intense exercise (even at home) to exhaust yourself, release some stress, and hopefully help you sleep a bit better.

Beyond that, if you're talking to her for 3-4 hours a day, then that's really damn good! It's also reassuring to hear that she doesn't feel alone because she knows you're out there -- meaning she knows you exist. That's a great mindset for her, although it seems like you need those close quarters comfort rather than the vision in your mind.

One thing to consider when you're up late at night is possibly writing little love letters (read my sig for the INFP love letter thread). Snag a few ideas and either email it to her or simply handwrite it. Girls eat this stuff uppppp. Who knows, maybe if she responds in letter then she'll be saying those words you long to hear (no promises).

I'd like to tell you to not worry, but I don't know the full extent. I can certainly tell you that stress never helps any situation and it just weakens your body and creates potential ripples that -could- cause a problem with relationships. If you guys are in a close and committed relationship, then you'll have to accept in your heart that she does love you and she chooses to be with you. While the way she expresses that isn't ideal, the simple fact that you have found one another will have to do for now. Trust in it, and trust in her that if there was a problem then she'd tell you.

I'd really go for the love letter idea though, she'll love it and it will help clear your mind too.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
i'm
kind of speechless
thank you very, very much Lad, you're wonderful and i can't even begin to tell you how much i appreciate this
i'll give it a go, and i'll be sure to update you on how it goes... hopefully it'll work out, haha
thanks so much
seriously
i'm just... worried that i won't be able to accept it, or something will go wrong, or... well... yeah
thanks again; i'll write the letter and maybe post it here first for a look over or something but...
yeah, thanks again
 

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she dumped me because for the last two months she has had no affection for me and didn't want me living a lie
i made sure she was okay before i left and i think i might cry
 

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Sounds like what we discussed about before may have helped bring a few things to the surface, albeit not quite the results we were looking for.

With that said, you confirmed some of your suspicions that you previously mentioned, so we know you weren't being overly paranoid. I could also speculate on her mistreatment of you (which irks me), but we'll leave that be for now.

I'm truly sorry you went through all this and any advice I may have given you that could have led to any forms of false hope. Still, it's better to not live in that flame of uncertainty that was noticeably hurtful to you earlier. Overall, while it certainly won't feel this way for awhile, I'm confident you'll come out stronger and wiser through all this, you're a good guy (honest)!.

In the end, much respect to you for having the courage to share yourself on here, your desire to create a fulfilling and everlasting relationship - I could tell she meant a lot to you, and your ability to overcome obstacles. Sometimes hurt is a way of pushing us forward.

If you ever need to vent, you can post on here or hit me in private.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
i just feel guilty that i wasn't good enough to make her happy, really
don't you dare apologise for the advice, you were wonderful and i very much appreciate it
thanks very much
i don't know what to do
she said we can still be friends but i think i need a break but i feel guilty for not being able to make her happy and not being able to talk to her for a bit
i was feeling pretty bad earlier because i'm sick but right now i feel much, much worse
i feel bad, hopefully she doesn't feel as bad
i quote: "i need to tell someone something-- it'll make them upset but i won't be that much." "oh, okay... well, just be yourself and i'm sure they'd appreciate it." then she didn't say anything for about 5 minutes so i was constantly asking if she was okay; then... yeah, she broke up with me and i did my best to reassure her over everything and then
then it ended, there and then, and the last two months were for nothing. i feel bad she wasted that time on me.
i feel bad you wasted your time on me with all this brilliant advice, only for me to make it all fall to shit and
yeah
i'm sorry
thanks
 

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This is good in the long run. If a person really loves you, then they should love you the way you need, not in the way easiest for them. "Love does not look for its own interests".

Both of you seemed to fail there. You were smothering & she was too distant. Each of you needed to consider what the other wanted; you have to compromise in relationships of any kind, romantic or not. It's clear she was not concerned about your needs, and that is not someone you'd want to be in relationship with anyway. I know it hurts now, but again, it's really best for YOU.
 
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