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Hello PCafe Family!! :)

I have had some relationship drama for the past 6 months, which has been the majority of my college year... so I turn to my fellow Personality Theorists who will understand!

I am an INFP, who from others peoples points of view, seems to be and ENFP! I am very social, go with the flow, artistic, spiritual, love adventuring and trying new things!

Ever since last November I met an ESTP, who on our first date fell HARD head over heals for me. I gotta admit, I was flattered, and quickly charmed to like him too, but when drama began between us, I feel out of liking him really fast (because of his confrontational, persuasive personality that demands the answers that he wants to hear).
While on his end, it only took him a month to tell me that he loves me, and that out of any girl he's met in his entire life, he would chose me. In the times that we were NOT together (which has been the majority of these past 6 months) he has rejected multiple women, because "he doesn't want to be with anyone else." The only reason he's considering dating someone else now is so that he will hopefully settle down from always desiring me.

For the entirety of our relationship, I have broken up with him more times than I can count, since he keeps persisting and wanting to be back with me. We dated constantly on and off again, with the longest time together lasting no more than three weeks (thats cause I kept trying to end it). This process has been very emotionally draining, since Im a full time student.

Because he cares for me so much, even when I have rejected him so many times, he always comes back just as loving as he was before, and corrects the concerns I had with him. He shows all of the love languages on a regular basis (physical affection, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, quality time). Although, since Ive rejected him so much, my heart just keeps getting colder and colder towards his constant desire to have me as his own (sounds mean, I know... its been a long school year).

Hes a smart, sharp guy and I like a lot about him. But, I would say the lasting major concern I have is he is not a very spiritual guy. He admires my spiritual life and says that I help him become more spiritual, but I find that he often misunderstands me and my feelings because he is not as deep spiritually. Spirituality is very important to me, it is what I am known for by everyone I have met, and I do not feel like he would help grow that part of me. All of my friends have been affirming my feelings, even though they have never met him.

I don't want to get into a relationship with him out of obligation, but I also want to consider...
1. If I don't want to be with him, How do I keep him from pursing me?
2. Or, have I been constantly giving up a good opportunity for love? What new perspective can I have on the situation?

Last drama:
In a month, I have the chance to go home and have a date with a super spiritual man that I admire (and quite frankly the whole world admires him). When he texted me to go on a date I was shocked and ecstatic. From what I know about him (probably INFP/J, too) I could see myself dating him. Yet, he's only met me 3 times, so there is no certainty that he will like me back or want to stay with me.
In the meantime, the ESTP is pressing for answers, continually choosing me over every girl, and Im in the final place with him where I either give him a chance, or I tell him to give me up finally. We have grown to know each other and gain many memories this year. He notices things about me that no one in my life has ever been sensitive to (like my extremely subtle signs of feeling stressed, angry or sad) and is very good at comforting and being there for me, even when I don't think to ask for it. Plus he has always given an arm and a leg to make me feel loved and comfortable, even when I am not asking for it.

You can see why this circumstance is very stressful for me, and E/INFP who wants to make everyone happy?

Go ahead and answer the 2 Questions, or give advice based off of your experiences <3

If you have any Questions about my liiiiiifee, feel free to ask!
 

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I got a rather simple advice; Get your shit together, seriously :mellow:

Putting up with/Having drama for 6 months means that you either like it or worse, want it - or worse worse, create it.

Pick your poison.
 

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God of 1000 Suns
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You don't like him for who he is and it won't work out. He's being very needy and unreasonable and honestly very immature if he thinks he loved you after a month. The infatuation eventually fades, trust me.

He's going to press for answers, I get that. I do that. Just turn him down for good without leaving any what if's or uncertainties. Which unfortunately you might not be able to do. It has to be absolute or he will pursue until there is certainty from you or comes up with his own.

This come's from just my experience with an INFP that I pursued so call it a little biased. I very much cared for her in the same way it sounds like this ESTP cares for you but the only difference is that I couldn't deal with the drama so I shut it down permanently with no open endings.

Care enough about him make it work, or care enough about him to shut it down for good.
 

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It's a boundaries thing. You've let your boundaries drop time after time, so he feels like he can push into them again and again, like they don't exist.

It's sweet that he feels so strongly for you, but is he giving you what you really need? From your OP, it sounds like you feel more indebted to him and less like you really desire him. Relationships aren't all attraction, especially as they matures - they're also balance, and respect, and listening, and giving each other space and time. Those become increasingly important as you get past the early phases and move into a life partnership - in other words, it's not going to get any easier in those aspects than how it is now. All in all, it sounds like you've sort of already taken stock of the situation. Unless you think in the long run he could be a fulfilling partner, I think you already have your answer to whether you should stay with him or not.

Regardless, it's not your duty or even necessarily a positive to return romantic affection to someone just because they have showered it on you. You're not giving up a good opportunity - you're avoiding a relationship that would probably be painful for both of you. NFPs have good feeling-instincts; trust that. Also - I hate rejecting, too, but he's also playing a big part in the problem here because he's not taking no for an answer. To stop him from pursuing you, be firm in your boundaries. Don't take him back. Cut off communication as much as possible. Be kind but unyielding.
 
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