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RESOLVING A DEEP WOUND - (Relationship breakdowns and the Enneagram)...

When I was around 18-19 a song called 'Tell Me' by Groove Theory was released, and I immediately fell in love with it. There was a particular line that so imbued my soul that I decided then that my true soulmate would be the one who one day sings those lines to me without me ever even mentioning the song to her... and the line goes like this... 'Cause you got more appeal than any man in this whole world... and baby, I got to know how you feel, yeah...' This kind of fantastical wish to the Universe has caused me more agony and misery than anything else, even though I hardly ever realized or acknowledged it... as time passed I, with a lot of sadness and resignation figured that it was never going to happen... and created a sort of caricature of contentment... I didn't know it was a caricature then...

Now after returning from the pilgrimage, I was on video chat with a girl I was hopelessly in love with, and I shared this song to her.. as I wanted her to understand the way I feel about intimacy and love... especially about wanting to be the most special thing in her life... I didn't say any of those things, I just gave her the song to listen to...

As she did, I saw her face become deeply morose and disturbed... and she suddenly said to me that she has a terrible headache and has to go, and just left... leaving me in a kind of distress... because I could see she was really affected by the song, and perhaps the earnestness with which I was sharing it with her... but I couldn't understand what on earth that was about... I felt it was cruel of her to do that...

A few days ago, it hit me... only after studying all this about the Enneagram... and understanding that my type's need to be special, need for a savior... need to be SEEN... and yet it is a a tragic dream... those lyrics described it perfectly...

And suddenly I had the feeling that - this girl, being as intuitive and receptive as she is, felt the deep distress behind that song, and it overwhelmed her... perhaps she even felt the destructiveness this was leading towards...

Since seeing the song in this light, I have been observing the hold it has over me... especially those lyrics... and I know that this is my CORE KNOT. This is it... I was lost for so long... thinking it was many things... rage... anxiety... but no... it's this... the overwhelming need for a 'savior' (perfectly described by Enneagram Type 4) and the feeling of envy that plagues type Four personalities... that something fundamental is missing. Envy leads Fours to feel that others possess qualities that they lack. Fours long for what is absent but fail to notice the many blessings in their life.

And I am not sure HOW I can undo it... but I tried an experiment of singing this song finally to MYSELF... why do I need anybody else to sing it for me...

And even that... as satisfying as it is... is incomplete...

At the same time, though I am looking at my frustrations and mistakes that lead to this overburden in the relationship, and trying to find some healing, it is not as if it was completely my fault either, although she would never admit hers. She was still in another relationship, would complain to me about the guy she was with, tell me she doesn't love him anymore, and was falling head over heals for me, making promises... but at the same time underneath I felt her still torn between him and me. It was as if she wasn't really willing to let him go, and that really took a strain on my relationship with her... it made me paranoid to see her being split like this... each time she broke up with him, he would hover around her and behave himself again until she took him back... and it would go into a repetitive cycle... all the more reason why I felt terrible that they are both living in the same city, whilst her and I were engaging in a sort of long-distance... she wasn't even willing to come clean and tell him about me... all of that hurt me. She's a Type 2 by the way.

Again the issues of envy and jealousy came full frontal at me, it did not make it easy for me to speak to her at all... as if she was pushing so many of my buttons... and I ended up only plagued with envy... it has become very clear to me now that I really need to resolve the wound of envy in me. I need to heal it. She needs to heal her shame and pride, but I am not sure she realizes it, or is willing to. But that is her lesson to learn, and her journey to take.

The truth is, I felt a deep certainty about her when we first met, and I looked deep into her eyes. I saw a connection I had never felt, a connection I had been longing for... if not for that, I wouldn't have committed. As it turns out, we ended up in a very tricky situation with too many burdens on each side... and now I am so foggy about what I saw so clearly then...

But only after healing this wound can I feel love again... will I even know with certainty what it is I felt when I first met her... and ultimately to just love unconditionally, not just her, but everyone... I have such a deep desire to heal this wound now... and yet... it is frightening to look at myself honestly... It is easier to blame her... but I don't want to... despite when feelings of being used and abandoned rise up in me... I realize that whatever the story, it doesn't help me to feel this way... to be so angry or bitter at her... it is blocking me to be blocking her like this... and I'd rather just take total responsibility for this situation, whether she does for her own actions or not.

Something very befuddling surrounding all this... as if I am going through the Hanged Man process of the Tarot... of letting go of my need for a savior... or to be a savior... and finding an inner contentment. Which doesn't particularly mean letting go of the gift of my personality (each personality has its vice - its shadow - its addiction, but when overcome, the personality becomes an incredibly gift of insight)... and 'Fours special essential quality is the embodiment of the personal element of the Divine. Once liberated from their Basic Fear, Fours become a work of art and no longer need art as a substitute for the beauty that they find in abundance in themselves. Because they are aware of their Essential Self and liberated from enmeshment with their emotional reactions, they can be more profoundly in touch with the every-changing nature of reality and are inspired and delighted by it.'

49 Posts
I feel I've been suffering from something similar to this?
Instead of a "savior" though, more of a desire for someone (particularly a mate) to recognize/see me as something special, unique, a one-of-a-kind find. I want them to be able to see the deep parts of my mind, and see such a complex beauty that they feel they wouldn't find elsewhere.
Hmm, though honestly, that description is probably still like a "savior", but instead more like someone that validates my existence and my need to feel special.
But at the same time, isn't that something that most people would want/expect their significant other to see them as?

I agree that sometimes it's hard to look at ourselves honestly, our actions and why we do them, but I definitely think you are on the right track. Recognition of the problem is the first step~

Lotus Jester
8,877 Posts

2,478 Posts
The numbers, and triads, of the Enneagram showcase traits of humanity.

234: to feel useful
567: to feel secure
891: to feel appeased (harmonic, comfy, etc...)

The 4 displays a good deal of self-deceit, envy and self-victimization. A popularized quality of the 4 is the conflict between a confident imagination and a perceived failure to meet its own expectations. Often compared to an identity crisis.

What is felt by 4s is felt by everyone. Humanity embodies a wide body of experiences. The Enneatypes are the tentative manifestations of human behavior that developed and survived over long periods of time (evolution, if you will).

"Love": "Love" is wanting to be useful to someone, as well as to reap benefits from said someone, and entitling oneself to those benefits (fidelity being one of many examples). It's akin to seeing one as an extension of yourself; something to protect as you would yourself; property (humans actively objectify each other. it's a habit no-one is immune to). It's basically infatuation 101; idealizing someone. It'd be the same from Enneatypes 1 thru 9.

The Savior Complex: 4s seek to be like the product of perfection in their heads. In their heads they construct the best-equipped person to deal with what's relevant to their lives. They may have trouble emulating their "inner selves," but they desire being good enough for, or visible to, the person that would look for who they aim to be. Such a person would be their 'savior,' who sees them for "who they truly are." It's kinda obsessive, but it's human at least.

Unrequited "Love": It's the failure to benefit from your self-sacrifice (being "loved" in return). When the thought of the object of affection gives you pleasure and security, the common reaction is to feel betrayed or inadequate if affections aren't [fully] returned.

@vajrakrishna Wounds we get from 'caring too much' are caused, and made worse, by our own actions. So what if we don't get what we want? Are you wounded because you feel entitled to her? Is anyone obligated to anyone, ever, or is it our imaginations? If you want her, or somebody else, do more than sulk, 'cuz it's literally ineffective. Emotions make humans irrational, however we are capable of practically getting what we want. We just play by rules of choice. So, have fun, but don't get carried away. In a sense, this way you're your own 'savior.'

Unless all you intend to do is stroke your own ego:
healthy 4s are a work of art
healthy 4s recognize beauty
healthy 4s are profound

(seriously, humans, especially 4s, 5s and 9s, have huge egos. i can see why that list is appealing, but seriously, we're not and never will be that great. humans kinda suck).
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