Personality Cafe banner
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

· Registered
INFJ 6w5, 1w2, 2w1 Sx/Sp
Joined
·
10,760 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm going to be referring to this so you can give it a quick read - Relationship chemistry: What is it? How does it work? | Living Well NLP

How do you personally see chemistry?


This link says it's about building rapport with another person. It insinuates that not having matching or complementry communication styles can interfere with this. But I personally don't believe good or bad chemistry is set in stone. I think it's more than possible to get in sync with someone else's style. Besides all that, even if it's complementary or matching, every individual still has a different word map (different words carry emotional baggage for each person). But as it says at the end, chemistry is largely a learned skill:


"Even sexual chemistry is largely a learned skill. If you’d like more chemistry in your life and relationships (or you’d like to disrupt some chemistry that causes you problems), cultivate and apply your NLP rapport skills."
-----------
As for the different types of chemistry it goes over, I thought we could answer the questions at the end of this:

"What kinds of chemistry work for you?


As you think back to your best, worst, and ho-hum relationships, notice what patterns of chemistry (or lack of it) work best for you:


1. What kinds of chemistry work well in your romantic relationships? Friendships? Work relationships?


My answer:

 

Empowerment chemistry would be at the top of my list for all relationships since I believe that's basically what it means to love another person (promoting their growth). I will try to list these in order of importance for me and y'all can do the same or do it however you'd like.

Romantic Relationships
1. Empowerment 2. Romantic 3. Emotional 4. Intellectual 5. Creative 6. Activity

Friendships
1. Empowerment 2. Emotional 3. Intellectual 4. Romantic (non physical) 5. Creative/Activity

For friendships, it really depends on the individual. I'm pretty adaptable so long as I like the person enough. I tried to order this in a way that made sense for me. Some of these (like Creative and Activity are just icing on the cake for me).


2."Where is it important to not have certain kinds of chemistry? Since my father did intellectual work, he enjoyed not having deep intellectual rapport with my mother. It gave him a chance to rest his mind and reconnect emotionally."

My answer:

 

I would just say Activity and Team performance chemistry are not always important in intimate relationships for me. But like I said, it really depends on the individual. I can imagine in non intimate relationships, emotional and romantic chemistry would not be very important.


--------------
You can also answer these questions for fun if you want:

Take a moment now to vividly recall 3 experiences:


1. A time you met someone with whom you had great chemistry

My answer -
 
I try not to place TOO much trust in chemistry because there have been times where I thought I had good chemistry with someone, only to find out later that maybe we're not as in sync as I initially thought we were. I've also experienced the opposite. Thought I had terrible chemistry with someone (my husband is a good example) only to find out later that we work really well together.


2. An interaction where you expected good chemistry, perhaps because the other person was smart or physically attractive, but instead you felt no chemistry.
 
This is a really dumb example but I had this online boyfriend when I was a teenager. I was really fanciful and built this thing up in my mind. In hindsight, I really just wanted to be in a relationship more than I liked him, honestly. Anyway, the first time I heard his voice on the phone, I was immediately turned off. It killed any sort of attraction I had built up towards him. His voice just sounded so cocky and therefore stupid to me. Maybe that is mean to say but there it is. I was young and stupid too so I don't really blame him. I'm sure he was just nervous.


3. A time when you had bad chemistry with someone. You immediately felt uncomfortable or disliked them — perhaps before either of you spoke!
 
Yeah, I can think of several examples of this but none are worth talking about to me. Usually my disgust turns into admiration some where along the line, anyway :p Well, I'm partially kidding.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
287 Posts
I am really curious about other people's thoughts on this topic. I have a pretty closed mind set about chemistry but I did find it interesting that someone would not want intellectual chemistry in their primary relationship. I find chemistry of some kind with every other intuitive I have met in real life- mostly intellectual. I rarely have physical chemistry, in fact I can only think of one person who made me feel like jello and we had great intellectual chemistry as well. We could finish each other's thoughts in our first conversation and he had a way of looking at me that blew my mind. I have bad chemistry with "sheep"- if you offer me no creative or innovative thought I will have no chemistry with you. I would never be able to sustain a long lasting relationship without intellectual chemistry, but I wonder if that's a girl thing. Hope this is what you were looking for, I am not good with that whole inserting text between quotes thing.
 

· MOTM Jan 2015
Joined
·
13,230 Posts
You can also answer these questions for fun if you want:

Take a moment now to vividly recall 3 experiences:

1. A time you met someone with whom you had great chemistry
Hmm, when I got down to the bottom of the list and to intellectual, creative and empowerment chemistry back to back I thought of @hal0hal0.

We come from different worlds, but the inner worlds in which we hail feel similar, haha. (Maybe even more so since we're opposites in other ways and have never met in person). When I met him in posts it was like a breath of fresh air and possibility and it did a lot to change my life in a core kinda way. He makes my brain feel totally supported in going to hilarious, bizarre and grandiose places. Lol. There's a natural build. Like a set of steps that requires both parties.



But at the same time it was almost like meeting an alien from another planet. I don't mean that in a bad way. It was completely intriguing and fascinating. Something I've always wanted to do :p And feeling so kindred wavelength wise anyway made it neat-o.

Creative chemistry is really important in my friends. Intellectual usually goes hand in hand - to me that's more about How someone thinks than what they're really thinking. I've noticed that most of my best girl friends throughout the years all follow a pattern of having read a ton of fiction as kids (like I did) when I get to know them better. Different personalities and from different walks of life, but there's that commonality.

BUT. You can't really train your brain to start working the same as someone's who spent their childhood (impressionable years) doing that (so, communication aside)...unless you build a time machine and put in a LOT of time (that would naturally deter you from other interests that start to wire your brain a certain (other) way, and then you wouldn't be you anymore).

So I think there's only so much you can do to create chemistry, honestly. (Though I agree there are ways to build on and improve it some...but again, it naturally builds on itself upon reaction. Too much attempt at generation and you miss the momentum).

There's also just been something otherwise synchronistic about people I've had the best chemistry with too. With when and how they pop up, seemingly unrelated things said and done and existing objectively somehow...idk. I believe in psychic connections and bonds. Law of attraction stuff.

Romantically - emotional and romantic chemistry are most important followed by sexual. And again, the how's create an intellectual bond.

The dudes I've probably experienced the best emotional chemistry with are guys who have experienced deep solitude in some way (and not necessarily introverts, actually, a lot of them haven't been).

Romantically they've usually had a thing for trouble, lol. This probably can be created some (I mean, it's exciting, of course it helps if romance gets your blood pumping and all that, so there's an element of contrivance I guess) - but then again, you have to actually have all those experiences under your belt. haha. You're just going to react and behave differently than someone who hasn't had the...extensive impressions and practice? Emit a different kind of...aura? (<electromagnetic field? Idk :p)

When coupled with the emotional bond there's more softness, awareness, understanding in the face of danger. Takes off the flight or fight edge that isn't really conducive to romance. And these dudes are better and more experienced at navigating the demons that pop up in uncertainty imo.

Really though I feel like I just described a lot of what's commonly attributed to an alpha (sorry, I know PerC usually hates this word xD) ...so how many women are feeling "generated" chemistry that he's not feeling back? Is it even really there then? Chemistry requires interaction. Is there anyway to verify it's existence? Idk. Maybe that's one of the reasons I have a thing for synchronicity. It's like this third party-force ingredient to it all.
 

· Registered
INFJ 4w5 Sx/ So
Joined
·
4,157 Posts
When I meet a person that I have great chemistry with, I can feel it in my solar plexus. It begins to hum. Everything stands still and nothing else matters than that other person in that particular moment. I'm at an all time high when conversing with that person, even a bit after. Then, too long after I feel a sadness and a longing for that great rush again. I'll become an addict of that person, but I'll compose myself and remind myself that they will either be a part of my life or not. It's their choice.

Finding someone physically attractive, but realizing there is no connection.... That's how I use to pick them before I knew any better. They were so pretty, but boy did they not know how to hold a conversation. I can't do stupid people. I'm not trying to sound like I'm super smart, because I definitely have my moments. However, some of those guys probably couldn't have pointed to our state on a map.

A time I felt chemistry, but felt I disliked them.... There was a guy that use to come into the bar I use to work at. He was cute and all. I didn't mind his conversation. However, I could tell he wanted me so much that it completely turned me off. ( not trying to sound like, I'm so hot or anything because I'm not. Most of the time, I'm hardly ever hit on. ) It was just a overwhelming feeling that I got from this guy. It was seriously way too much.

I'm also all in on the empowerment! I love being a part of helping bring out the best in another. Second, for me would be sense of humor. I need to laugh and sharing a good laugh with another is vital. Intellect and creativity come next. I'm also a fan of another's willingness to try something new. Let's say, they haven't heard of -----, but I'm really into ------. The mere fact that they'll give it a shot means the world! Ok, I've said too much. : )
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,792 Posts
I will say this: I've experienced plenty of physical chemistry which didn't correspond with my actual thoughts or feelings.

I had a pretty difficult time getting over my attraction towards an ISFJ guy I work with. I knew that he wasn't what I really wanted for my life (very Si-oriented; his goals were about as American pie as it gets), but the physical chemistry was evident and distracting. I knew that it was the source of the problem, because I would get nearly intoxicated by his smell (pheromones and whatnot).

I wish that sort of thing didn't factor in -- at least not without the consent of my brain. My inferior-Se does love the benefits of physical chemistry and how it can rile me up, but I don't appreciate it when it makes me too preoccupied with men who aren't actually worth my time.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
2,839 Posts
1. What kinds of chemistry work well in your romantic relationships?

  • Creative/Intellectual/Empowerment are the absolute must haves for me. It's that necessary first step: if I'm in love with their brain and personality, how inspired I am around them, then the sexual/romantic/emotional chemistry naturally kicks in.
  • Emotional chemistry doesn't ever lead. I can think of a couple guys in particular (One an ISFJ, another an ESFJ) that were so incredibly warm and nurturing. I felt so cherished and taken care of by them. But I didn't connect with either one on an intellectual or creative level. Minus those two elements in particular, emotional chemistry felt hollow. I wanted to feel understood. I wanted someone that shared the ideas and pursuits that I personally held meaningful. It wasn't enough otherwise. There was a sense of loneliness.



Friendships?
  • Emotional chemistry — the kind of emotional rapport you have with people you immediately like and want to be friends with.
  • Creative chemistry — you work well creating together. Every great jazz ensemble has this. So do synergistic inventors, engineers, programmers, artists, and improv theater groups.
  • Intellectual chemistry — something I share with my NLP development buddies. When I work with equally talented people with whom I don’t have good intellectual rapport, we don’t accomplish nearly as much.
It seems like every good friendship has had some combination of these three. It's varied by person, and I don't know that I prefer any particular combination. They're all satisfying in different ways.


Work relationships?

  • Team performance chemistry — great sports teams and music groups have physical rapport that helps the players play synergistically. In business, great teams have functional rapport that helps them perform at their best.
  • Intellectual chemistry — something I share with my NLP development buddies. When I work with equally talented people with whom I don’t have good intellectual rapport, we don’t accomplish nearly as much.
I'm certainly not going to complain if I like the people with which I work. But it is by no means a necessity for me. I'm not there looking for friends or emotional support. I just want the people I work with to be competent, hardworking, and drama free. It's an uncommon combination, and I treasure it when I come across it.
 

· [dis]illusioned
Joined
·
4,297 Posts
@Vivid Melody your signature:

"Relationships come and go, but epics are soulbound."

Do you play MMOs? I seem to remember you saying something about it like, 3 years ago, developing a story or something based on games. I let my free month of WoW quietly expire, because I'm really addicted to Guild Wars 2 atm and Soulbound items are stuck to your toon (wow uses the same term, apparently).

Anyways, I have a Bachelors of Science (BS = Bullshit, MS = More Shit PhD = Pile it Higher and Deeper) in Chemistry and physical chemistry was my favorite subject, especially the math. Therefore, I am qualified to answer questions on chemistry. I tutored it for 4 years, and my observation was that it was ultimately a conceptual science, far more so than biology. Our running joke was that in a totem pole, biologists were at the bottom, chemists were above them, but physicists above us, but mathematicians rule everyone else.


But yeah, I've found that chemistry appeals to conceptual learning, because it's less about knowing the path and more about its discovery, I think. There was very little memorization and it was more about how to figure things out and problem solve, rather than just regurgitate facts. If you understood the concept and could apply and play with it, that knowledge could arm you far better than memorizing a periodic table (which nobody should actually do, unless you're bored).

Anyways, I remember discussing with another tutor organic chemistry... how do we make people understand or "see" it the way we do? because it was a failure to visualize the elegance of the chemistry, the appreciation of the concepts, that made the subject "difficult" for so many. In a way, that's where my drawing skills originated from, because molecules are governed by principles of attraction and repulsion and even a "bond" which, when distorted results in repulsion... push, pull, push, pull.

Hence, the harmonic oscillator model.

So, bonds are ultimately formed from chemical reactions, specifically, energy changes. The Hindenburg:



Hydrogen gas combusts in the presence of oxygen to produce water. And that is it. What you see in that picture is two unimaginably simple molecules reacting to produce simple water and a lot of energy. Violent reactions often produced the most stable of products, but that is where "chemistry" is really a bad word for relationships, at least in terms of literal interpretations.

Of course, all the elements react differently and my question would be:

What if you are Helium? Do you stand with your full valence content and happy to remain the same, or do you react to create something new? The transition state may be a mountain blocking your path.

In a way, that almost sounds ripped from the I Ching... which is odd considering the first thing you learn is that Chemistry is the science of change, and the I Ching, of course, is the book of changes.

Hmm, when I got down to the bottom of the list and to intellectual, creative and empowerment chemistry back to back I thought of @hal0hal0 .

We come from different worlds, but the inner worlds in which we hail feel similar, haha. (Maybe even more so since we're opposites in other ways and have never met in person). When I met him in posts it was like a breath of fresh air and possibility and it did a lot to change my life in a core kinda way. He makes my brain feel totally supported in going to hilarious, bizarre and grandiose places. Lol. There's a natural build. Like a set of steps that requires both parties.

But at the same time it was almost like meeting an alien from another planet. I don't mean that in a bad way. It was completely intriguing and fascinating. Something I've always wanted to do :p And feeling so kindred wavelength wise anyway made it neat-o.
I admit I've retreated a good deal from PerC and spend most my time with the guild on GW2. IDK, I'm trying to figure out wtf I'm going to do next so I've gone into hiding mode (but have inadvertently found a new foster family in the mean time). It's like different cozy hovels, to me, and what fascinates me is the nature of identity or the persona. To step in those roles and amputate one's identity... it's McLuhan-esque, in a sense, because extending oneself into one space often means, for one's own safety, blocking out or putting the blinders in the face of another aspect.


Teshigahara's The Face of Another:


But I miss PerC, too and it's like home. <3 Let's just call it an extended vacation where I'm not in the house, but still do conference calls to take care of responsibilities at the Big House.

I look forward to returning in full (maybe) after my sojourn.

I also think Sojourner is the coolest damn name for a spacecraft ever. It's so lonesomely beautiful. There is something coldly beautiful to solitude, I suppose, similar to the cooled atmosphere and wonder of an Arthur C. Clarke story.
 

· MOTM Jan 2015
Joined
·
13,230 Posts
Violent reactions often produced the most stable of products, but that is where "chemistry" is really a bad word for relationships, at least in terms of literal interpretations.
This is interesting though, because "trauma bonds" are a thing within psychology.

=http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

Bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can be lost. It is cumulative and only gets greater, never smaller...

Moreover, experiencing together extreme situations and extreme feelings tends to bond people in a special way.. Trauma bonding, a term developed by Patrick Carnes, is the misuse of fear, excitement, sexual feelings, and sexual physiology to entangle another person. Many primary aggressors tend toward extreme behavior and risk taking, and trauma bonding is a factor in their relationships.

Strangely, growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is trauma in one's history that makes for trauma bonding. Because trauma (and developmental trauma or early relational trauma is epidemic) cause numbing around many aspects of intimacy, traumatized people often respond positively to a dangerous person or situation because it makes them feel. It is neither rational nor irrational. If survivors can come to see that part of the attraction is, while very unwanted, a natural process, they may be able to understand those feelings and manage the situation more intentionally.

An excellent book on the effects of trauma (and repair) is The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk MD

Intense relationships also tend to hijack all of a survivor's relating capacity. It is like a state of being burnt out. First, while it is very easy to become attached to a very chaotic and inconsistent person, it is simply not possible to form a consistent internal object representation (feeling memory) about them. When separated from the intense partner, the urge to make contact is usually intense because it is a stable feeling memory (or internal object) that makes separation from an important other person tolerable in any circumstance.

Second. the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy. This provides a feeling of being totally alone, and totally empty.
Is the bolded true though? I've said before that this is what Bella's relationship with Edward in Twilight reminded me of (well, without the terminology or clarity). Specifically when they weren't together. When she was chasing the (feeling of) him. (Intensity, risk).


(^ I just read something cool tying the heroine's journey to duality. Only using male characters who underwent this process).

And feeling memories just are. I don't know what they mean by "consistent internal object representation" - (wouldn't that be an archetype? Or just a memory?)

And "the" survivor - wouldn't there be two of them? (Or more?) So sure there are. Those people.

(I remember I told you that when I was getting extremely nihilistic some of my "toxic" relationships started to become healing to me).

But then...so I guess I see what they're saying. If someone new triggers a feeling memory that was tied to an archetype or face who Wasn't that archetype or face...it would get confusing. You'd feel like you're recognizing someone as "them" when you're not. You'd have two separate representations merging. Or maybe splitting? Like when the stepmother thought she recognized Cinderella at the ball (and did?)

I think I've sent you this James Hillman video before. About the psyche's need to disturb itself to preserve the soul.


But I miss PerC, too and it's like home. <3 Let's just call it an extended vacation where I'm not in the house, but still do conference calls to take care of responsibilities at the Big House.

I look forward to returning in full (maybe) after my sojourn.
Thanks for checking in :p
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top