[Fleetfoot]

I really wanted to title this thread 'OH GOD WHAT AM I DOING?!?' but it seemed a bit overdramatic.


Anywho, what am I doing? I have been seeing this guy, whom I've met at a bar for a quickie one night, and somehow that led to him actually liking me as a person and wanting to know me better.
I knew him a little better, and at the time, I started liking him as a person as well. We've been going on 'dates' frequently, and he's probably the best thing that has come into my life. He goes out of the way for me, pays for dinners, and is possibly one of the most generous men I have ever met. It almost seems perfect, but it's far from perfection, mostly because of me.

The fact is, I'm almost turned off by the fact that this guy seems too perfect for me. Honestly, I'm in a rut between whether I want to start a relationship with him or if I still just want to fuck around and have fun while I'm still young. Because if this relationship was to last for a long time, and we broke up, I'd be in my late 20s sitting at a bar watching everyone I know starting families and whatnot, and I'd be stuck being 21 in my mind just wanting to have some more fun while I can.


In short, I have no idea what I want, and if I'm even attracted to this guy anymore. I feel like I almost should pursue the relationship just to try it out, but this guy is madly in love with me, and I don't want to be a heart-breaker. I've even shown him the worst of me, and it hasn't done me any good warding him off.

 

[Impermanence]

If I were you I would give it a shot and decide to continue dating him. Think of it like this, you are just assuming that it might not work out between the two of you, but you don't know for a fact. If you decided not to date him, you could regret it for a long time and wonder if he was "the one for you". You said he was madly in love with you, but how long have you been seeing him? In the end I think you're never too old to fall in love with someone.

 

[daydr3am]

I've been freaked out by a guy treating me well too. Were you treated badly in the past (your parents, ex-boyfriends)? That may be affecting you now. This may be the time to evaluate yourself.

I agree with the above user, that you should probably keep dating him. You both enjoy being around each other and he is treating you well (and you are treating him well too, right?). Don't be one of those people who regret not giving love a chance.

 

[Fleetfoot]

I've been freaked out by a guy treating me well too. Were you treated badly in the past (your parents, ex-boyfriends)? That may be affecting you now. This may be the time to evaluate yourself.

I agree with the above user, that you should probably keep dating him. You both enjoy being around each other and he is treating you well (and you are treating him well too, right?). Don't be one of those people who regret not giving love a chance.

Not necessarily. My parents loved me to death, but I've never dated before, just because I was so used to rejection and I was ugly during a time where people are too immature to look beyond looks...at least that's my reasoning to it. Maybe I just wasn't liked.

I think the main issue is that I just don't feel the same way towards him as he does me, and I've told him this, but he doesn't seem to mind, like he can change my mind or something. We're both very giving, and know when to take, so it's been rather smooth sailing so far. It's just so...new. I've never really dated anyone who felt this way before, let alone know anyone who felt this way about me.

 

[kudi]

I'm even attracted to this guy anymore

HUGE red flag. If you value sex and he's not doing it for you then you should get out. That is just one of the fundamentals. There is a course the chance that it may change that you make find him attractive again and/or love him back the same way, you just cant predict those things sometimes. But you have to ask yourself has that ever occurred to you in the past before? If it has then maybe its worth it.

Its likely your just not ready for commitment and he is or it maybe an issue with your perceived self-worth. Whichever it is, I think it will be very useful to figure out what you want out of this relationship and what he wants from this and see if they align or at least come to a compromise. Agreeing on that will reduce heartache down the road otherwise just break up.

 

[Hruberen]

As someone whose passed up a relationship, I regret it every day I wake up. I'd rather try something and say I don't like than remain in a nebulous state, or asking myself what if questions later on in life.

Give it a shot, otherwise you don't even have a chance of hitting your target.

 

[redmanXNTP]

Date a guy who seems to adore you and learn something about relationships and about yourself. Quit worrying about how it would make him feel if you later decided to break up with him. As long as you're open and sincere in your intentions about the relationship with him (e.g., not just for sex but for romantic companionship as well), he's a big boy and will be able to handle a failed relationship if it comes to that.

Also, quit worrying about being too wimpy to break up with him if you later decide it's going nowhere but he's still head over heels for you. No, you didn't say that, but yes, that's also what you're doing.

 

[KittyKraz13]

Maybe you crave passion in a relationship, and this generous, perfect-boy thing just isn't doing it for you. Some people like that kind of love and some simply don't, and if you don't it's not your fault. It's also not your fault if you don't love this guy, so don't feel guilty about such things. Logically that makes no sense.

/obvious INTJ out.

 

[Agent Blackout]

Maybe you crave passion in a relationship, and this generous, perfect-boy thing just isn't doing it for you. Some people like that kind of love and some simply don't, and if you don't it's not your fault. It's also not your fault if you don't love this guy, so don't feel guilty about such things. Logically that makes no sense.

/obvious INTJ out.

Lol! Fi speaks!

============

@Tawanda

just doo ittt. don't leave yourself wondering.

but make yourself clear on your terms and expectations (or lack of), so you don't give any false hope anywhere.

as long as he clearly understands that you're doing this blindly and open-ended (at least from the beginning), you shouldn't worry about any potential damage you might do to him or whatever.

at the end of the day, it's a gain-everything, lose-nothing situation.
and if worst-case scenario happens, life moves on anyway.

 

[Cover3]

If you do like him, do NOT play the ''he's too good for me'' thing, it's just annoying..

 

[bengalcat]

Hmmm. On one hand I like what redmanXNTP said. On the other it doesn't seem like you're that into him.

You perhaps could grow to feel for him the way he does about you... It hasn't worked that way for me, I'm pretty much all in or I'm out, and I personally don't think ambivalence at the start of a relationship is a great thing. But I have to suppose there are other people who work things out through that process.

I don't know. Caught between telling you to just give it a shot because you're young and you will learn something, and wondering if it isn't more fair to let him go sooner rather than later to find someone who will return his love.

Hmmm. When it comes down to it I find that intuition has been the best guide for me when it comes to love and relationships. Namely, I have a great history of ignoring it. I personally don't think it's wise to ignore those niggly feelings and the sense that something just isn't right, doesn't fit here.

*shrugs*

Sometimes I'd think it'd be great to be able to just agree to short-term commitments for sure... be open for re-evaluating later, like say in 3 months. But I guess that's not exactly romantic.

Man I'm being totally useless here. Sorry. Just for me the fact that you don't seem particularly enthused about him for him (you seem to appreciate him more for what he does for you) makes me not so optimistic. But I'm no relationship guru, it's just a gut feeling.

 

[Cover3]

Hmmm. On one hand I like what redmanXNTP said. On the other it doesn't seem like you're that into him.

You perhaps could grow to feel for him the way he does about you... It hasn't worked that way for me, I'm pretty much all in or I'm out, and I personally don't think ambivalence at the start of a relationship is a great thing. But I have to suppose there are other people who work things out through that process.

I don't know. Caught between telling you to just give it a shot because you're young and you will learn something, and wondering if it isn't more fair to let him go sooner rather than later to find someone who will return his love.

Hmmm. When it comes down to it I find that intuition has been the best guide for me when it comes to love and relationships. Namely, I have a great history of ignoring it. I personally don't think it's wise to ignore those niggly feelings and the sense that something just isn't right, doesn't fit here.

*shrugs*

Sometimes I'd think it'd be great to be able to just agree to short-term commitments for sure... be open for re-evaluating later, like say in 3 months. But I guess that's not exactly romantic.

Man I'm being totally useless here. Sorry. Just for me the fact that you don't seem particularly enthused about him for him (you seem to appreciate him more for what he does for you) makes me not so optimistic. But I'm no relationship guru, it's just a gut feeling.

Sounds like you're a dating fan!
(sarcasm radar needed here)

 

[bengalcat]

Sounds like you're a dating fan!
(sarcasm radar needed here)

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between whether I'm not a fan or whether I'm just a pathetic alien who doesn't get it. Urrr. Dating. All that time and energy and money and attempts to charm and impress. So.....job interviewy. Blerh.

Damn you I'm totally ranting in my head now. Food. I need food and perhaps an imminent 3 month contract to stave off the crazy.

 

[Paradox1987]

It's weird, but I tend to feel apathy towards a relationship in which the other side falls head over heels very swiftly, or shows too much enthusiasm from the word go. As a result, I've ended up rejecting people. I don't regret things, because it's a bit pointless to IMO, but I have learned valuable things about myself from walking away. Sometimes I feel the decision was on balance good, other times its what if syndrome for me lol.

I guess the best bet is to realise that you shouldn't presume you'll be the one to do any heart breaking. From my experience, nothing is more fickle than budding love, so you never know what might happen. Also, don't worry about "what if we break up after a long time". Again, this starts with the presumption that it'll be destined to break apart; all things can break, doesn't mean they will. Getting so worked up about a future possibility leads to analysis paralysis, and you'll do nothing. Doing nothing yields nothing, that is a certainty.

If you know what you want, well take an informed decision. If you don't fully know what you want, there's only one way to find out; trial and error. If its error, well Aaliyah did sing a song about dusting oneself off and trying again . Either way, if you say yea or nay, s'long as you remember that you're the most important part of the equation of your life, you'll make the right decisions in the end . So my advice is: don't worry so much about where things will end up, just accept they'll end up somewhere in the end.

 

[Einstein]

Just slow down and get to know him. Then you will know what to do.