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Depends on the person for me, whether or not I feel as though we're at similar levels (as in if he is say... a doctor, and I am not, and his colleagues and dating prospects are at his status). I know I am not about reputation, but have been in a relationship where in the s.o.'s family, a person's status, financial backing, all the superficial stuff did not match me, and even though I could have had a nice sound board and monetary comforts, I chose the opposite path, because yes, it did make me feel insecure, inferior, not good enough.

I've also dated someone who didn't have much, but his I.Q. level I swear was wwaaay up there. He could win any conversation with anyone, and I admired his quick whited, charming, and analytical abilities, but even his intelligence was a bit of an intimidation.

Basically, I feel more comfortable with someone along a similar wavelength (intellectual/psychological/physical/emotional/spiritual) connection. Values, too. If one is not quite in alignment with the other, I start feeling out of place in the relationship, and it has nothing to do with that person, and more so has to do with how I view myself.
 

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Personally, I don't get where I need validation or get clingy. Problem is, the girls I'm with DO and that's the problem. I think I'm just being an ENFP in that way. Sure, I care about people especially my girl but eventually, yeah, we ENFPs tend to kinda get...Not bored...Maybe "Less enthusiastic"? And I'd rather spend time with new friends or acquaintances. Hey, I do try to make the time! And I do appreciate my partner! But if I could get a nickle for each time a girl has told me "Are you getting bored of me?" I'd have enough nickles to buy Personalitycafe.

A shout out to the other personalities out there: I'm not TRYING to be so freakin' flaky! It's just tough when new friends and possibilities come. You guys are still deep in my heart but need to accept that ENFPs get pre-occupied with new social contacts sometimes...Errr...often.
 

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Personally, I don't get where I need validation or get clingy. Problem is, the girls I'm with DO and that's the problem. I think I'm just being an ENFP in that way. Sure, I care about people especially my girl but eventually, yeah, we ENFPs tend to kinda get...Not bored...Maybe "Less enthusiastic"? And I'd rather spend time with new friends or acquaintances. Hey, I do try to make the time! And I do appreciate my partner! But if I could get a nickle for each time a girl has told me "Are you getting bored of me?" I'd have enough nickles to buy Personalitycafe.

A shout out to the other personalities out there: I'm not TRYING to be so freakin' flaky! It's just tough when new friends and possibilities come. You guys are still deep in my heart but need to accept that ENFPs get pre-occupied with new social contacts sometimes...Errr...often.
Damn, you sound just like me with the guys I've dated XD I always do try and put in the effort, but after a while of seeing them I want a break and to go and see my friends and do my own thing more. I struggle to keep focused on anything, so relationships are the same XD
 

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Do romantic relationships bring out anyone else's insecurities? If I really like someone, no matter how affectionate or validating he is, I often feel very much Not Good Enough for him. The more I like him, the more I tend to feel this way. Kinda sucks. Any thoughts?
Odd, I have an exactly opposite problem where I kill a relationship when I start getting insecure. I just get the impression most women aren't good enough and the thought of settling is horrible to me.

Damn being an enfp sometimes!
 

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Thanks for posting this. I appreciate it when threads like this are created because it helps me to understand myself better and it lets me know that I am not a lone wolf.

Yes, romantic relationship brings out insecurities for me and fears. I relate to what you posted except the contrasting feeling is not a feeling of "not good enough". It is more I believe I'm going to fuck it somehow. I can be very intense. And, if I want to discuss something, I must admit that I struggle with patience. And, I have drove many a man crazy because of my inability to give them the downtime needed for them to process their own thoughts and feelings.

I can be really intense and not everyone can handle it. So, yes insecurities surface for me all the damn time because I know the deeper my feelings become the more intense I become and the more impulsive I become. And, I guess because I can be so ambivalent about commitment and tend to leave relationships, I project that my romantic interests are doing the same and I find myself holding my breath waiting for the shoe to drop.

All, I know is this....for me ....matters of the heart are VERY TRICKY!!! I am fairly logical and rational and in control of my emotions...UNTIL....I fall in love with someone and then I shit bricks and am scared out of my mind. Go figure! When you figure it all, please let me know.......

And, hell yes it sucks!!!:bored:
 

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There are two categories of insecurities that being in the process attaining a romantic relationship or being in one.

One: is insecurities that I have in myself being in the relationship with other person.

Two: Insecurities regarding the other person, the further we know eachother.

The first one happens when I reveal alot about myself to someone. For an infj atleast, It's a big thing to let down your guard and reveal the true you to someone. That person begins to see a glimpse of the true you, without all the masks of egotism and toughness or all-togetherness we seem (as people) to wear around other people in everyday life. So, there's the fear she won't totally accept the true me and knowing that a person actually is seeing the person behind the stone wall I put up is alitttle bit frightening. It's a big thing to put ones guard down, Showing and being emoutionally vulnerable. Your putting a lot of trust towards the other persons corner for acceptance and for equal emoutional openness.

The second one happens when I start having second thoughts whether I should be dating this person or not. NF's have a tendancy to romanticize love to much. Thinking everything will be a peachy and everything and get caught up in the short-term feelings and thinking this is what we'll always feel, for the remainder of the relationship or they'll always be attractive to me in this way. But when we start to loose that initial flame for the other person, I have a tendancy to start looking toward other prospects . Other people start coming into the picture and I begin to develop little crushes here and there because of little things about each of the women that I admire that I hold in high regard. But Once your in a relationship, thats it, it's either them or you hit the road. Theirs none of this "well, I can always check this person out next" or "click on an other dating profile to check this person out", like you would in the beginning stages of persueing a relationship. Usually, other women or guy won't take to kindly to another person "looking elsewhere" at other potential prospects; Which, we as nf's tend to do that a lot. It's the striving for the perfect relationship(life of security) and perfect mate that can lead to incredible amount of insecurities for me.

The biggest thing is: Can I really trust my ability or my inituition in determining who is right for me. I find that I can begin to become so uncertain of the certain. It drives my mind crazy.
 

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It depends on the relationship, but I certainly understand the OP. Right now, in my current relationship it's a strange mix of insecurities and being completely comfortable, lol. Doesn't make a lot of sense. But he's going to law school, and comes from a pretty cool family and I come from a beyond broken family, was homeless for awhile, and I'm a single mom who isn't currently in school.

I often worry, will his family hate me? Will he get looked down upon because he's successful and I'm a poor single mom? It shouldn't matter to me what his family thinks and it's really dumb to worry about that six months into a relationship, but I know they have very high expectations for him and it makes me feel like I am a failure. In a way, seeing how far he has gone in his life being two years younger than I am makes me strive to move and better my life situation, and in another way it makes me so so insecure.

I am just glad that he loves me for me, he knows all of my secrets, my past, he knows everything about me and loves me regardless. That's really rare, and I feel very lucky.
 

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The biggest thing is: Can I really trust my ability or my inituition in determining who is right for me. I find that I can begin to become so uncertain of the certain. It drives my mind crazy.
I'm totally with you on what you said about being skeptical of your own ability to identify who is "good" for you as a romantic partner. I know I should not try to search for a specific type, but after dating someone with all the opposite letters of me and seeing how spectacularly we failed to communicate over the course of a whole year of getting to know one another, I don't trust myself and am unsure about this duality romantic match concept. I know that someone with a S or a T would be good for me as a complementary match, but not getting emotional fulfillment can feel really shitty. Should we as ENFPs just try to get over the feeling that a Sensor or a Thinker wouldn't be able to love us in the same way we love them, since our flowery super deep romanticized vision of love ultimately does not do much to better our realities and a Thinker would have a grounding effect, helping up to reach our full potential? Or can you not live life feeling like you are emotionally unfulfilled without becoming crazy and depressed? Does anyone else worry about this stuff? *sigh* It just sucks to emotionally invest in someone who feels like a wall or a sponge... a sucker-upper of all your affection who revels in the attention and seems to send out mixed messages. It's hard not to be risk averse now after feeling so drained by someone.

Sorry for threadjacking. I felt super insecure in my last relationship and those feelings have seemed to carry over whenever I encounter an ST or NTJ and cannot read him.

It's a different type of insecurity from what you described, @spifffo. It an insecurity about showing too much of my feelings without knowing whether the other person feels the same way and is capable of needing me as much as I would eventually need him, if that makes any sense.
 

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I'm totally with you on what you said about being skeptical of your own ability to identify who is "good" for you as a romantic partner. I know I should not try to search for a specific type, but after dating someone with all the opposite letters of me and seeing how spectacularly we failed to communicate over the course of a whole year of getting to know one another, I don't trust myself and am unsure about this duality romantic match concept. I know that someone with a S or a T would be good for me as a complementary match, but no getting emotional fulfillment can feel really shitty. Should we as ENFPs just try to get over the feeling that a Sensor or a Thinker wouldn't be able to love us in the same way we love them, since our flowery super deep type romanticized vision of love ultimately does not do much to better our realities and a Thinker would have a grounding affect, helping up to reach our potential? Or can you not live life feeling like you are emotionally unfulfilled without becoming crazy and depressed? Does anyone else worry about this stuff? *sigh* It just sucks to emotionally invest in someone who feels like a wall or a sponge... a sucker-upper of all your affection who revels in the attention and seems to send out mixed messages. It's hard not to be risk averse now after feeling so drained by someone.

Sorry for threadjacking. I felt super insecure in my last relationship and those feelings have seemed to carry over whenever I encounter an ST or NTJ and cannot read him.

It's a different type of insecurity from what you described, @spifffo . It an insecurity about showing too much of my feelings without knowing whether the other person feels the same way and is capable of needing me as much as I would eventually need him, if that makes any sense.
Totally understand where your coming from. I've been in a relationship with an Sensor before and It was a roller coaster of emoutions for a long time. She had much baggage before coming into the relationship with me and it was a mess sometimes sorthing through it. I often played counselor and comforter and while I felt of good use to her, it was quite draining at the same time for me. Also, sometime i wasn't getting the same type of investment in return. Though, that's what love is I guess, You sometimes put your convience away, for the betterment of the other person/the relationship. But there was just something missing that another intuitives provided; I can't really describe it. I think it's very appealing in persueing and dating a sensor at first but It can/will provide alot of intense long-term challenges that we tend to overlook prior. I firmly believe in atleast matching/dating another intuitive atleast. Most of my intense relationships have been with other intuitives, especially Enfps :wink:

The Thing that is important to point out about us NF's, as pointed out before, is we tend to overly romanticize love and get caught up so much in the short-term feelings and project those as they will be there long-term. Kind of like setting yourself for disappointment because in reality, relationship are not like that, they need work like all types of relationships. Maybe, it's that idea of finding a relationship where the prince sweeps the princess up and they live happily ever after that is just so appealing to us NF's and we fall for it so hard. So hard, that it becomes our criteria for happyness in a relationship that we never have to struggle with another person again. But that doesn't mean you can never be happy (obviously) but to realize that conflicting things about the another person will eventually surface and play itself out the longer your in a relationship and part of being in a relationship is working those things out together. Part of the problem with intuition though, is knowing when enough is enough and whether a relationship is worth going it further and whether it's just you not willing to poor in the effort to fixing the relationship with the other person or there really not for you. That's why it's so important to get to know the person "before" you go any further in your dating ritual. I believe we either don't critically think relationship suitors through enough or tooo much for that matter. The crush feeling and feelings that this will work can be so wish washy and you just toss and turn in your head so much thinking about the other person; which, is kind of like having "insomnia of the mind".

I can see where you'd be feeling insecure, by not getting the same emoutional investment and appreciation for what you were putting out towards him. But this will make you and other people better for knowing how to go about the dating merra-go-around again. I know some people don't believe in dating by type but knowing what your looking for and need is so vital to finding a emoutionally-deep fulfilling relationship and whether someone will ultimately provide that. I'll never go blindly into falling (let alone persueing) someone again. I find the personality dating by type to be more beneficial and holding more truth than anything.

Trust is a huge issue, for a lot of people. It's the question whether i'll experience equal validation and we'll have mutual need for one another as time progresses.

I believe you can still be happy while being single but it takes major work. I think part of the problem is we've been wired in such away to believe that we need to be in a relationship (romantic) to be happy. I think thats were you see a lot of crash and burn results from people pursueing relationships.
 

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I know that someone with a S or a T would be good for me as a complementary match, but no getting emotional fulfillment can feel really shitty. Should we as ENFPs just try to get over the feeling that a Sensor or a Thinker wouldn't be able to love us in the same way we love them, since our flowery super deep type romanticized vision of love ultimately does not do much to better our realities and a Thinker would have a grounding affect, helping up to reach our potential? Or can you not live life feeling like you are emotionally unfulfilled without becoming crazy and depressed? Does anyone else worry about this stuff? *sigh* It just sucks to emotionally invest in someone who feels like a wall or a sponge... a sucker-upper of all your affection who revels in the attention and seems to send out mixed messages. It's hard not to be risk averse now after feeling so drained by someone.

Sorry for threadjacking. I felt super insecure in my last relationship and those feelings have seemed to carry over whenever I encounter an ST or NTJ and cannot read him.
Hmmmmmm......sounds oddly like an ISTP I know. And, yes I can relate to your post. Yes, I love the personal growth and the feeling of being grounded. But, emotionally it's just something missing and has a roller coaster feeling to it. Not to mention the slow and steady pace of unveiling one layer at a time over an EXTENDED period of time can be quite aggravating. Subtleties are nice but it's nice to have how feel to be spelled out too. Okay now I'm hijacking. Sorry, your post just stirred up a reaction within me. :D
 

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Adopt me! I want an ENFP! I'll make sure you never feel insecure :) I will shower praises upon you :D

/stalk ENFP forum
 
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Are we allowed to give outside perspective here? Oh well, if not I will remove this.

Basically it seems that the F and the P are getting in the way of the T and the J. I may be biased, but I have seen several posts that are just saying that a lot of you are being pulled by your P towards other people and you are unable to reign in your E that is influencing your P so much. Engage your T to influence your P about your future with this person you have doubts about, and then use your E again to influence your J instead of your P in order to come to a conclusion about whether or not this is the right relationship for you. Channel your emotions into your thoughts and your thoughts into your perception and your perception into your judgment.

Trust me, this is really hard to do. I recently opened up emotionally to a complete stranger based on a feeling I had. Trust your intuition because it is nearly always correct, and when your dominant letters fail you, trust your secondary letters. Remember, MBTI is a way to show us our strengths and our weaknesses. While our dominant traits are our strengths, that doesn't discount the validity of our weaker traits.

Think about this. If you have doubts, ask yourself this question: Do I see myself X number of <time unit> in the future <romantic milestone here>? This is key I think. You are looking at a relationship. Relationships are between two people. You may have a group of friends that all like each other, but your relationships with those friends are different. Yes ENFPs love everyone, but they're still each unique. Your romantic relationships are the same way. You have a unique relationship with that person, good or bad. You need to focus on one person and think of all of the possibilities, good or bad, and come to a conclusion. Yes that other person looks fun, and maybe you can have a great friendship with them, but here is this one person that you have invested in and they have hopefully invested in you. Is that investment accruing or is it diminishing. If it's accruing, buy, buy, buy. If it's diminishing, sell, sell, sell. If you invest your emotions in one person after the other, after the other, after the other, that investment will never grow. It will stagnate.

Last analogy and I will go back to INTJland. Remember that song "The Bear Went Over The Mountain"? Well why did that bear go over the mountain? To see what he could see. And what did that bear find once he reached the top? The other side of the mountain. Yes mystery is fun and exciting (INTJs LOVE mystery), but sometimes you just have to leave some mysteries unexplored and revel in your current discovery.

*beats a hasty retreat*
 

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@mkeath. Thanks for your perspective. It sounds really good in principle. But, for me, I don't know about others, if I really, really care about someone, I have to see the mystery to the end. I have a tendency to exhaust all *I* can do and when it gets to the point where I see that after I have done all I can to make the relationship work and it is still stagnate, then I will cut my losses and move on. And, typically not look back.

Matters of the *heart* are tricky. Attraction usually starts in my head for me but once it moves to my heart then that is quite another subject. But, I have realize that the world does not end because you have loved and you have lost. And, if I truly care for someone, I feel compelled to explore all of the possibilities because I abhor lingering "what ifs" and "what might have been". Do I get hurt? Yes. I tend to agree with Maya Angelou...."that which does not kill us makes us stronger".

In the short term, I may experience hurt and disappointment. However, I have found that I have grown each time and I have no regrets and I have been able to walk away knowing that person wasn't the one for me.
 

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@n2freedom I was speaking more in generalities of what a lot of people were saying. It won't apply 100% to everyone. My entire point was that sometimes we can't just trust our primary inclinations, and we have to trust the other parts of ourselves that we may suppress.
 

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It depends on the relationship, but I certainly understand the OP. Right now, in my current relationship it's a strange mix of insecurities and being completely comfortable, lol. Doesn't make a lot of sense. But he's going to law school, and comes from a pretty cool family and I come from a beyond broken family, was homeless for awhile, and I'm a single mom who isn't currently in school.

I often worry, will his family hate me? Will he get looked down upon because he's successful and I'm a poor single mom? It shouldn't matter to me what his family thinks and it's really dumb to worry about that six months into a relationship, but I know they have very high expectations for him and it makes me feel like I am a failure. In a way, seeing how far he has gone in his life being two years younger than I am makes me strive to move and better my life situation, and in another way it makes me so so insecure.

I am just glad that he loves me for me, he knows all of my secrets, my past, he knows everything about me and loves me regardless. That's really rare, and I feel very lucky.
Wooow that is kind of my situation... Right now I am with a INTJ. I think of him as the one. I really love him and I don't want to loose him! I am also a single mom and he has been there for us since I was pregnant(From an idiot). I feel very insecure for the fact that he is a successful site director and I just have a highschool diploma. I haven't meet his family yet which scares me... We have gone through a lot and no matter what happens he is always there for me. We get along perfectly.

Usually when I am in a relationship I feel the need of looking for other partners, I get bored very very fast specially when I see that I am putting a lot of effort in the relationship and my partner is not doing the same and also when they don't take care of my needs. Sometimes I think about how great is going to be with the same person for the rest of my life. And then I start freaking out because I start thinking what if he fully gets to know me and he doesn't like me? Or the other way around? I start thinking of how difficult is to live with other person and their daily habits... Waaa so many things... If I am getting too involved I feel that I need to run away since things are better than I expected haha

But with this wonderful INTJ... I don't want to go anywhere... I feel comfortable with him, I love him for who he is and he loves me back the same way--- It's awesome!!!
 
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Do romantic relationships bring out anyone else's insecurities? If I really like someone, no matter how affectionate or validating he is, I often feel very much Not Good Enough for him. The more I like him, the more I tend to feel this way. Kinda sucks. Any thoughts?
Ditto. I get this mentality that I'm not good enough for them, that I'll do something wrong, that they'll see something they won't like in me, and in the end break up with me. I'm pretty severely afraid of loss and abandonment. My lover can reassure me all they want that it won't happen, but it's still an issue so it's up to me to deal with it.

What I try to do is remember that they are just that...insecurities...and my head playing tricks on me. I am happy as a clam if I am able to just let my heart roam free and my head shuts up, but that hardly ever happens. I just try to ignore these insecurities to the best of my ability because they won't serve any relationship any good and all they are is a sort of defense mechanism to guard me against being hurt. The heart wants to trust, but the head is skeptical sort of thing.
 

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Adopt me! I want an ENFP! I'll make sure you never feel insecure :) I will shower praises upon you :D

/stalk ENFP forum
 
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