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My girlfriend, who has tested as an INFJ, recently broke up with me. There were a few reasons for this, the main one being that she doesn't think she's ready. We had been going out for two months before this, and everything was so beautiful, but now... now I fear that it's all over, but I can't just let go and move on.

This all started a couple of nights ago when we were together in her dorm room just watching a movie, and afterwards she asked me what I was thinking about. As usual, I just said "I don't know" because I never really know how to respond to that question, because when I'm with her it's hard to really think. Then when I asked her the same question, she said that she thought we needed to talk. She went on to say that sometimes she feels so happy around me, and other times she just feels really distant. I asked her why that was, and she couldn't really give an explanation, but that was just how she felt. I asked her if it was because I have trouble showing affection at times (I lack a lot of self-confidence), but she said it wasn't that, but that she needs to know how I feel. I told her that I always feel happy with her, that she always makes me so happy, but that didn't seem to do anything. She broke down into tears, and I tried comforting her, but then I, too, broke down into tears and talked about some of the insecurities I felt (like my social anxiety, intense fear of rejection, etc). Big mistake on my part. She went on to say that she feels that maybe we should be separate, because she doesn't want to be a "crutch" like she has been in the past for her friends; in other words, she doesn't want me to become dependent on her, because she has such a strong need to fix things. She said that she wanted to be with me, but that she didn't think she was strong enough. I tried convincing her that we could work it out, that I wouldn't let my problems interfere with our relationship, but I just ended up leaving all upset and crying. The day after, I asked her if we could talk, and again--like the fool that I am--I tried convincing her once more, but she still said that she didn't think it would work. She told me that she would still like to be friends, but that she doesn't think we should talk to or see each other for the next week, and maybe then we could start texting each other again. Now I just feel miserable and hopeless, and I just want to rest eternally and never wake up; it would be so much less painful than now. She said that it wasn't my fault or hers, but that it was just that we couldn't work out; yet I still feel like I'm the one to blame, and I just feel horrible about myself. I don't want to give her up because I love her so much, and she has told me that she loves me, and I want us to be together; but she doesn't feel that it would be right for her to be in this relationship because of the aforementioned issues. It's just so hard because we've had so many beautiful moments together, and we could have so many more, but I don't think there's anyway of fixing things now. I know some people would give trite advice like "move on," but there was so much love between us, so much beauty. I just want to die now--it would be so much easier than this--but she made me promise that I wouldn't hurt myself, and I intend to keep that promise.

I just don't know what to do anymore. :sad: And this couldn't have come at a worse time, what with finals coming up and the end of the semester. But I don't think I can focus on school; it just all seems pointless now. Everything reminds me of her, and I don't know if I can go to the class that we have together because of it. But maybe I'm just proving her point: that she's become a "crutch" for me. If anyone could help, I would appreciate it so much... I don't know what to do to get her back, if such a thing is possible, and I feel positively horrible about myself now. Life doesn't seem worth living anymore.
 

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don'ttttt be hard on yourself first of all.
i dont know much about INFJs ..... J is probably judging? idk buttt

two months isn't too long..and you don't see peoples true colors in that time.
If this is all a shocker to you...then it seems like she has an issue with talking and working things out as well. i honestly find it unfair to YOU that she is just throwing this information at you, without any actuallllll effort or attempt to work things out. Especially when you confide your insecurities to her. that should NOTTTTTT be a bad thing in my book

To maybe make you feel better, that couldd mean she's not right for you, because if she's jumping so ahead to where shes already predicing the future of the relationship, then maybe that means she's not wanting to put forth the effort to actually see where it goes, for whatever reason.

idk that's just my opinion though
 

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Discussion Starter #3
don'ttttt be hard on yourself first of all.
i dont know much about INFJs ..... J is probably judging? idk buttt

two months isn't too long..and you don't see peoples true colors in that time.
If this is all a shocker to you...then it seems like she has an issue with talking and working things out as well. i honestly find it unfair to YOU that she is just throwing this information at you, without any actuallllll effort or attempt to work things out. Especially when you confide your insecurities to her. that should NOTTTTTT be a bad thing in my book

To maybe make you feel better, that couldd mean she's not right for you, because if she's jumping so ahead to where shes already predicing the future of the relationship, then maybe that means she's not wanting to put forth the effort to actually see where it goes, for whatever reason.

idk that's just my opinion though
Thank you for replying, lisa.

Maybe you're right... But even though two months isn't long, there was so much beauty in just those two months, so much romance, intimacy, and intensity... and now... now that's all gone, I feel. She says she wants to be with me, that she loves me, but she also says that she had a really tough summer because she had the same dynamic going on then with her close friends. She said that she had become a crutch for them, that it was tearing her apart, and she was just happy to get away from all that; and she feels like the same thing would just happen with us, and that she wouldn't be able to handle it. She says she's not ready, and I can respect that, but I don't feel like my insecurities have to interfere with our relationship; I feel like I can work on them and still be with her. But she says that she feels the need to fix everything, and that it wouldn't work like that. She told me I need to learn to love myself, which, I'll be the first to admit, is true... but why should that prevent us from being together? Maybe I'm just hopelessly naive (okay, not maybe--I know I am), but we were so happy together these past couple of months, and I feel like there's so much more for us to see and do together... I don't know. And I just feel like I scared her away because of my emotional instability... She says she's had so many friends in the past who have wanted to commit suicide, and maybe she fears that she'd only hurt me and cause me to do that, even though I've told her that I never would. I love her unconditionally, and I know she loves me, and when I think about it, all I can do is weep... In fact, that's all I've been able to do for the past couple of days--weep and lie around on my bed, hating myself and wishing we could be together again. Perhaps she's right, perhaps it's no one's fault; but I still feel like I could've done something different... She's so beautiful and unique in every way... She's the only person that's ever truly understood me, that's accepted me for who I am... And now I feel so lonely without her, like I have no one; my heart aches like it never has before. I love her so much, and I feel if I let her go, it would be like casting a diamond into the sea... :sad: I'm sorry this is so long, by the way.
 

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First, your insecurities do affect the relationship and so do hers. From the sound of it she's emotionally insecure about 1) being used as an enabler of sorts 2) has abandonment problems 3) both. My bet is on #3; people are complex.

Second, your self-loathing practically bleeds through your writing. Learning to love yourself can be a long, hard road. What are your good points? What attracted her to you in the first place? Questions like that might help you start on that road. Finding something about yourself that you feel proud and confident in is important.

What I think, and take this as a grain of salt- romance isn't exactly my strong point-, is that you need to be there for her. Two months isn't long enough to truly know someone; based on the little information you have given I'd say there's much more to her story. Be patient, respect the boundaries she puts up, let her know you're still there and that you care, and work on your own insecurities. I know it hurts but if you love her you'll do it even if the chance of ever going back to how it was is next to none because it just might be what she needs.

One last thing, you know that old saying "If you love it, let it go"? It's approperate for your situation. Just remember that if she loves you she'll come back.
 

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First off, I really feel for you man.

It's late and I need to go to sleep, so I can't write much, but I'll try to write more tomorrow.

I know you feel really alone, but I want you to know that you are not the only person who is feeling low right now.

I'd like you to read my thread from last week:
http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/38093-infp-girlfriend-just-broke-up-me-need-advice-support-im-intp.html

For the time being, all I have to say is, at least you were dumped in a face to face conversation. I was dumped by email, and then my ex didn't pick up my phone for a whole day. That was a long ass day.
 

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MOTM Dec 2011
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I'm sorry for your heart :sad:. It's hard to find a real connection with people, so no wonder you are upset. It does not seem all is hopeless though.

She seems open to keeping the possibilities open, as evidenced by her suggesting texting one another after a brief break. The break from one another will be good for you. Get a hold of your emotions, sort through feelings, put on a brave face, and make a gameplan.

Once you are in contact again, it is a good opportunity to SHOW her that she does not need to be a crutch for you & that you are emotionally stable & secure enough for a relationship. I realize that you cannot change overnight, but you can take steps towards developing the qualities she is seeking, and if she sees/is aware of it, then it may soften her a bit & lead her to reconsider. I don't want to create false hope in you, but it's kind of a no-lose idea; even if she does not want to get back together ever, you'll still be taking steps to being "the right person" when it comes to dating. You'll be ready for the next girl that comes along....and one will, eventually. Having some self-esteem & being emotionally stable are important for any relationship to flourish.
 
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Thank you, all of you, especially Murky Muse and OrangeAppled, for your advice and support. And Vripper, thank you--I read the thread and I'm really sorry to hear about that, but it's nice to know that I am not so alone. I think I am feeling slightly better.

It is still very hard to come to grips with the fact that I must let her go, but I am learning to do that and I think the pain has subsided a little bit, though it is still very much there. I sent her a message yesterday stating that I would respect her wishes, whatever they were, and that I would always be there for her no matter what happened, even if it meant we couldn't be together. She sent a message back thanking me for respecting her wishes and saying that she's here for me, too; however, she still believes that the breakup would still be best for the both of us. She said she would still like to open up communication after a week, but that she doesn't think we should message each other anymore until then, because she finds it hard to change the place I occupy in her life with me still contacting her, and she thinks it will be better for us both in the long run.

In short, it sounds like she doesn't see us together in the future... and as much as it pains me to accept that, especially given our past, I know that I must. In the meantime, whether or not we get back together--which at this point it sounds like we won't, unfortunately--I will try to learn to love myself, because that is perhaps what is most important. I am just trying now to be strong, to find my strength, and maybe that's the best thing I can do right now.
 

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Ok, I know you feel like shit right now, but for the next week this is what you need to do:

1. Take all that unrequited love and sorrow and focus the energy into your finals. I want you to absolutely destroy the tests. Inside I know you're a winner. Be a winner; ace your finals.

I'm sure you don't feel like finals means anything right now, but look at it another way. If she told you, "I want you to fail your finals for me", what would you do? Would you mess up for her? Right, I didn't think so. So kill the tests, just own 'em. Do it for you, do it for me, do it for all of us!

Whatever you do, don't intentionally sabotage yourself with the hope of getting pity from her. That would be the weakest shit ever. But, I know you're not going to do that, you're gonna ace the tests.

2. Remember that she wants to take a break for a week. She's taking a break from you, so you should take a break from her. Besides, it's only a week. I know I know, I bet every minute feels like an eternity right now. But anything could happen afterwards. You might get back together, maybe not. Hopefully you'll still be friends. And she's still healthy right? It's not like she has some illness and is going to die. Now that would be a tragedy. She's still on this earth, and it sounds like you'll interact with her in the future. Make the most of this break week.

3. Exercise, sleep, and eat well. Some college kids don't treat their bodies right, especially during stressful test periods, and in situations like this. Even if you're super busy, it will be really helpful to go to the gym. Exercising will make you feel better. Trust me on this. Bring a friend with you. And make sure you're getting proper nutrition. Eat some veggies and stay away from the ramen and pizza.
Avoid sugary stuff.
Try your best to get enough sleep.

4. Avoid drugs and alcohol. Period. I'm including caffeine and tobacco.

5. Counseling/therapy: Your school probably has free mental health services. Use them. Just do it to see what it's like. You're already paying for it, so you may as well go.


I'm gonna write from personal experience right now.

It's been three weeks since I was dumped. I have been to the gym 12 times since then. My pants are looser, and physically I feel better than I have in six months. Several people have asked me if I've lost weight. I'm gonna lose even more weight, because working out makes me feel good, and I'm gonna continue going. I know this for a fact!

I could have spent that time at the gym moping around my parents house, watching TV, obsessing over my ex. I'm not saying I didn't do some obsessing over her at the gym, but at least I was getting a good workout when I was doing it.

I still think about her all the time, but it's not crippling like it once was. I'm more focused now.

Every time I'm on the treadmill or crosstrainer, and I feel like I want to give up before my time is up, I say the following quietly to myself "I'm not giving up". It focuses me, and reminds me that I'm gonna finish what I started.
 

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I just want to speak from her perspective. It is VERY disheartening to be the enabler. It's too much pressure. It weighs you down. You really want to lift the other person up but then you just end up down with them.
You will find another woman. This was a learning experience.

Good on you deciding to take a new attitude. This is your chance to be so much more.

And listen to Vripper. For real.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Yeah, I'm still here. Thank you for your support and advice. :happy:

I've been doing better, although it's really hard when we share a class and occasionally pass each other, and can't say a word to each other--especially when she's with her roommates or a mutual friend, and they just pass me as though I don't even exist--and it's hard because I don't really have any good friends up here. It would be so much easier if I just didn't see her; then I wouldn't feel so... rejected, and I wouldn't feel as much pain... But overall I've kept myself occupied by just focusing on schoolwork and trying to socialize a bit more, though even among people I feel rather alone--but it does help to keep my mind off of it, I guess. Of course, I still have my moments of obsessing over her, over what could have been, but I've just tried focusing on other things and keeping a positive attitude... And as long as we can still be friends and keep in contact, I'll be happy, since we agreed to communicate again after a week. I'm just trying to be strong now, and taking your advice by focusing on school and other things... as well as patiently waiting for winter break, which will be such a relief from all of this.
 

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Good good, I'm really glad to hear it.
I know it's hard, and it will continue to be difficult.
But, it will get better.
If you need to share with your family, do so.
That's what they're there for, to provide support.

Good luck, and please keep us posted.
 

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oh man
same thing happened to me

my girl friend broke up with me 3 weeks ago
for very similar reasons as yours
i was devastated and lost 5 kg

i know that with the holiday season coming, it's gonna be more difficult.
cus that's how i feel now. Whenever I see couples on the street, I would turn my head the other way.
And I would not go to stores that fancy Christmas decorations, because that just remind me of how lonely I am. and how I could be sharing this time with my ex.

Well
you're not alone
cheer up and show her that you can live happily
 

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it's okay, i'm still trying to forget my ex too..

at least you don't need to know that she was attracted to other guy and you end up deciding to break up with her, then she was still chatting with you as if she wanted to come back but in the end she finally dating that other guy. It felt like you're just a trash and you need to dump yourself to the bin

moreover, my ex used to be asked to date by many other guys including my own best friend while we're still dating and none of her friend was supporting our relationship, because they think i was unworthy of her.., and that happened for 4 effin years..

i really2 need to get over her soon...
 

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I've dated an INFJ for two years and she broke up with me because she thought she had to take care of me. I really dont know what advice to give you because i still think about her everyday, and it still hurts (infact it's her birthday today). The only reassurance i can give you is that it wont hurt as bad as time goes by, and when you find someone else, trust me, the suffering will stop.

Reading your story really has brought me back to those times tho, and i know exactly what you mean by having those magical moments. My ex could bring me out of any gloomy mood and put a smile on my face, but maybe it was more of an effort for her to do that than i had realized. It's okay mate, not every girl will think that about us, and this just goes to show that they weren't right for us in the first place.
 

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I don't want to go off on too much of a tangent, but I notice a trend in INFPs (or really, NPs) expressing conflict or the end of relationship with an INFJ because the INFJ feels they had to "take care of" the INFP.
One or both parties gets annoyed by this (the NP feels nagged, the INFJ burdened). I read an INFJ comment in an unrelated thread expressing something similar about ENTPs (& why the relationship benefits the ENTP more because of it). In fairness, I know NPs can be "eternal children", but I don't think that equals helplessness or neediness at all. I mean, to quote Fiona Apple, "I've been getting along for long before you came into the play" seems to be true of NPs & relationships, however scattered they appear on the outside.

Did you guys feel the INFJ really had to take care of you, or do you think the INFJ at times unfairly decided you must need taking care of due to a less structured approach to life? I see my ISFJ mom declaring all the time that she has to do everything for everybody, but really she only "has" to do it because she criticizes their method, so they just let her do it her way; I wonder if it is similar for the INFJ at times. They have a singular vision they want to see happen, and any resistance to it is seen as laziness, not willpower.

I also know INFJs, as counselors, may feel they are good as seeing the potential in an individual and seek to nurture them to reach it, but to another person, it can feel, er, like unsolicited advice and criticism based on unfounded assumptions. Did you ever feel unnecessarily counseled by the INFJ? Like they were trying to push you in a direction of their vision for you, but it was not your own vision so you did not heed their advice or respond as they'd have liked? Or did you "naturally" assume you must be wrong (as I see some Fi-doms do) and needed to makes these suggested changes, but failed to, as it was not your own inclination?

Just curious if there was any conflict along these lines, and how you felt in response to their approach to the relationship.

Maybe I should have started a new thread for this, but since I have some of you (ie. @Acey, @Enigmatic Clown) right here with real world experience.... :happy:
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I don't want to go off on too much of a tangent, but I notice a trend in INFPs (or really, NPs) expressing conflict or the end of relationship with an INFJ because the INFJ feels they had to "take care of" the INFP.
One or both parties gets annoyed by this (the NP feels nagged, the INFJ burdened). I read an INFJ comment in an unrelated thread expressing something similar about ENTPs (& why the relationship benefits the ENTP more because of it). In fairness, I know NPs can be "eternal children", but I don't think that equals helplessness or neediness at all. I mean, to quote Fiona Apple, "I've been getting along for long before you came into the play" seems to be true of NPs & relationships, however scattered they appear on the outside.

Did you guys feel the INFJ really had to take care of you, or do you think the INFJ at times unfairly decided you must need taking care of due to a less structured approach to life? I see my ISFJ mom declaring all the time that she has to do everything for everybody, but really she only "has" to do it because she criticizes their method, so they just let her do it her way; I wonder if it is similar for the INFJ at times. They have a singular vision they want to see happen, and any resistance to it is seen as laziness, not willpower.

I also know INFJs, as counselors, may feel they are good as seeing the potential in an individual and seek to nurture them to reach it, but to another person, it can feel, er, like unsolicited advice and criticism based on unfounded assumptions. Did you ever feel unnecessarily counseled by the INFJ? Like they were trying to push you in a direction of their vision for you, but it was not your own vision so you did not heed their advice or respond as they'd have liked? Or did you "naturally" assume you must be wrong (as I see some Fi-doms do) and needed to makes these suggested changes, but failed to, as it was not your own inclination?

Just curious if there was any conflict along these lines, and how you felt in response to their approach to the relationship.
Well, I don't think it's too tangential; in fact, I think it's an excellent idea. :wink:

Haha, yes, I am still very much the child, and my ex used to comment on that (in a good way, though, as we would always laugh about it). But yeah, I don't think that necessarily equals dependence at all. At the same time, I did feel really lonely before meeting her, since all of my friends are back home and I don't really have any friends up here, other than her. I think in this way I might have idealized her, because I felt, and still feel, that she's the only person that's every really understood me; and, being the hopeless romantic that I am, I thought that maybe we would spend our lives together... I know that probably sounds really naive, but that's what I hoped for, and maybe I was revolving my happiness around her in doing so.

That said, I never really felt like she needed to take care of me; I think that's just how she felt, probably because of really strong Fe. While I do suffer from low self-esteem and -confidence, I didn't expect her to cure me or anything like that. Although I'm extremely unstructured, I don't think she really minded that, but in fact probably found it to be some relief from her extremely structured life (she's always over-involving herself, often to her own detriment). She doesn't deal with stress very well, and she always feels like she has to "fix" everyone's problems, which just piles more stress on. She said she was just trying to get away from all of that, and so I guess she feared that the same thing would happen with us (because of my social anxiety and lack of self-love), and that it wouldn't work out.

I definitely felt, and still feel, like she was trying to push her own vision of me when she broke off the relationship. She believed that I needed to find myself with other people, not with her; but I was convinced, and still am, that we could have been happy together. But still, she was right: I do need to learn to love myself. I never expected her to be an enabler or anything along those lines, and while I might have viewed her as a "rescuer" of sorts, as INFPs have the tendency to do, I just wanted us to be happy together more than anything. Never did I expect her to fix all my problems and insecurities--she places way too much weight on her back. It still pains me to think of what could have been, because my vision involved the two of us being eternal soulmates, but I guess, in the end, I'm starting to think that maybe she was right. I hate to think that I was being a burden to her, or bringing her down, because she once told me she thought that no matter what happened, I would bring happiness into her life; and I wanted to always bring happiness in her life, just as she had brought happiness into mine; but I guess our visions were incompatible. I don't blame her for ending the relationship, and, in fact, it's hard not to blame myself for its dissipation; but the more I look at it through an objective lens (as much as I hate objectivity), the more I realize that perhaps it wasn't meant to be after all.
 

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^ Thanks :happy:

and....bump!
 
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