Personality Cafe banner

14001 - 14020 of 14045 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,159 Posts
I hope these questions haven't already been asked here.

1. How long does it take you INTJs to figure out whether you want to be in a committed relationship after you first meet or start getting to know someone? I mean how many weeks or months or years?
I usually won't initiate unless that is my objective. I've never been one for casual relationships. I don't have a figure - it really depends on the circumstances and the organic pace things are taking. Years does seem a bit extreme, though.

2. If you're dating someone, when do you stop seeing other people? Do you stop seeing others as soon as you start to have some (not necessarily strong) feelings for that person, or only when you're serious about that person?
I wouldn't date more than one person at a time. Not my style. Like I said, my objective is a monogamous relationship and I doubt I would consider that with more than one person concurrently. I'm either sleeping with you, no relationship possible or you are a prospective spouse. I don't have time or patience for anything in the middle.

3. Are you usually the one in the relationship to initiate the DTR (define the relationship) talk? Or do you wait for it to be initiated by the other person or to develop organically? If you initiate the talk, how soon do you do so after you decide you want to be in a committed relationship?
I don't think I've ever had that talk but historically, I've usually been very upfront with sort of "this is what I want, are you in or out" as far as my intentions. I would imagine if an INTJ is initiating that talk, the partner is being very vague/ambiguous and the INTJ is having difficulty determining from actions if everyone is on the same page.

If I initiated that convo, it would be more with the sentiment, "should I be heading to the door or am I just misunderstanding you?" If someone initiated that talk with me, I would definitely clarify exactly what I personally believed the current situation was and, if necessary, retool things so we're heading in the right direction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,137 Posts
I hope these questions haven't already been asked here.
seriously, you should just ask the particular guy this is about :wink:

1. How long does it take you INTJs to figure out whether you want to be in a committed relationship after you first meet or start getting to know someone?
i don't work like that in the first place. i don't go out with an 'definitely going to get involved with someone, now just have to figure out who' state of mind. so my default position on everybody is 'not, unless definitively established as otherwise'.

how long does it take anybody to get established as 'otherwise'? a really long time; my worthwhile relationships both evolved out of an initial friendship. but time alone is not what defines it either; somebody either is or they ain't. but as i've said, it's not like i'm looking so i don't think my answers are necessarily helpful to what you're clearly asking about.

2. If you're dating someone, when do you stop seeing other people? Do you stop seeing others as soon as you start to have some (not necessarily strong) feelings for that person, or only when you're serious about that person?
my default mode is platonic to begin with, so in my case there is no 'other people' for me to stop seeing. i'm very monogamous, for whatever that's worth. don't have the emotional bandwidth to deal with more than one candidate at a time.

Are you usually the one in the relationship to initiate the DTR (define the relationship) talk? Or do you wait for it to be initiated by the other person or to develop organically? If you initiate the talk, how soon do you do so after you decide you want to be in a committed relationship?
i don't have enough volume in my history to define a pattern. also, no offence but i think questioning of this type is pointless. it has always depended on context for me; and the contexts have always been different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
509 Posts
seriously, you should just ask the particular guy this is about :wink:
I'm pretty sure I have enough information to cut him loose now. At this point, these questions are just compulsive double-checking on my part. I don't think he's into me and I've already put myself far out enough on a limb that I'm not interested in doing more of that without good reason to do so.

i don't have enough volume in my history to define a pattern. also, no offence but i think questioning of this type is pointless. it has always depended on context for me; and the contexts have always been different.
As long as I get different answers to this question from INTJs, which I have, the questioning isn't pointless--I'm gathering information. Also, I know you mean no offense, but with phrasing so abrasive, it's exceedingly hard not to take any.
 
  • Like
Reactions: lilysocks

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,408 Posts
It will be quite difficult to cut "ties" with an intj. Just saying :wink:

Having said that, R2, i would add that one partner is actually already too much for an intj. You could derive more answers starting with that.

Sent sans PC
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,137 Posts
I've already put myself far out enough on a limb that I'm not interested in doing more of that without good reason to do so.
sounds sensible and self-respecting to me, not that you need or probably want my seal of approval on it. i hope the decision is one that you feel good about now it's been made, and i mean that in all sincerity because ime decisions like that are not always easy to make.

Also, I know you mean no offense, but with phrasing so abrasive, it's exceedingly hard not to take any.
well, i appreciate your effort in not taking it, if that's so :tongue:. again, sincerely. fwiw, it was mostly the 'how long' that triggered that one. i interpret most things quite literally so i spent this brief chunk of time being baffled. 'what, five days? two? seven weeks? i don't understand this question.'

with hindsight i see the jolt was that your question as phrased pre-supposes an identifiable trigger that starts the clock of 'how long', and that isn't a process-able concept to me. i don't believe i've ever decided to be in a committed relationship. or even (probably?) a relationship. so in approaching your question the only way i could seem to come up with an answer would have been by reverse-engineering the historical facts. i have asked some showdown questions, and they were watershed moments. but to take one of those days and then work my way backwards to try and find some kind of starting point for a time frame . . . i mean, i could do it but since the trigger for me has never been a Decision To Be In A Relationship, answering it literally seemed to me like it would be pointless in the sense that it couldn't do anything but mislead you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
I hope these questions haven't already been asked here.

1. How long does it take you INTJs to figure out whether you want to be in a committed relationship after you first meet or start getting to know someone? I mean how many weeks or months or years?

2. If you're dating someone, when do you stop seeing other people? Do you stop seeing others as soon as you start to have some (not necessarily strong) feelings for that person, or only when you're serious about that person?

3. Are you usually the one in the relationship to initiate the DTR (define the relationship) talk? Or do you wait for it to be initiated by the other person or to develop organically? If you initiate the talk, how soon do you do so after you decide you want to be in a committed relationship?
1. Depends on how I 'vibe' with a person. Usually, I decide very early on, though, and I make that known. I'm not interested in ANYBODY catching feelings for me when I don't want to be in a relationship.

2. I don't see other people in the first place. If we're dating, then that's it. This may change in the future.

3. Yes, but usually if I don't want the relationship. I guess it's a we're just friends talk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
I am INFJ. Been in love with INTJ woman since 2016, I used to be her secret admirer. But now we are friends.
She already know what I feel, 2 years ago, and our friendship remains.
But she never tell what's her feeling, and I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to ruin this friendship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,159 Posts
I am INFJ. Been in love with INTJ woman since 2016, I used to be her secret admirer. But now we are friends.
She already know what I feel, 2 years ago, and our friendship remains.
But she never tell what's her feeling, and I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to ruin this friendship.
If she knows and you're still at friend level, I believe that is your answer. I am not generally too slow or reluctant to jump on an opportunity to date the millionth of a 1% fraction of the population that I find acceptable.
 

·
Jaffa Master
Joined
·
7,575 Posts
I am INFJ. Been in love with INTJ woman since 2016, I used to be her secret admirer. But now we are friends.
She already know what I feel, 2 years ago, and our friendship remains.
But she never tell what's her feeling, and I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to ruin this friendship.
If you don’t like her enough to ask, then maybe it’s time to move on to find someone you couldn’t stop yourself from pursuing?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
192 Posts
I am INFJ. Been in love with INTJ woman since 2016, I used to be her secret admirer. But now we are friends.
She already know what I feel, 2 years ago, and our friendship remains.
But she never tell what's her feeling, and I'm afraid to ask because I'm afraid to ruin this friendship.
If she knows you like her and you're in the friend zone than you could remain in the friend zone. Either ask her or move on if you're unsure if she knows of your feelings. It's been four years, move or make something happen. I doubt it will ruin the friendship unless her "no," changes your relationship to her.

You're her friend, I have little to few friends. Most are acquaintances. I don't divulge soft feelings out to anyone but my wife. That could be the reason why you never know her feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Hello everyone, there's this INTJ lady I'm obsessing with. Part of the reason I'm so obsessed is the fact that I cannot figure out wether she likes me or not, and I'm usually pretty good at it.

I've known her for about two years. I've lived abroad for the last three years and during that time she started hanging out regularly with my old friends. I met her on a few occasions while I was back for holidays, but, being very introverted as she is, she left absolutely no impression on me. Not only did she not talk to me, she barely talked to everyone else while I was around. In the meantime I got back from abroad for good and started seeing her regularly when the crew hangs out together. On one occasion she passionatly participated in a discussion I had zero interest in and she finally made an impression on me, although a bad one. All of this led to me not considering her a romantic interest.

All of this changed rather suddenly when one day she finally opened up to me. We had a nice long talk where I realised how interesting and intelligent she actually is. The socially accepted timeframe for starting to date someone has long gone, but I don't really care about those things so I started flirting with her from that day on. She never really flirted back. All my attempts at breaking the physical contact barrier fell short. Yet, now she's 100x more talkative and whenever she makes a point or believes she said something really smart, she looks at me and waits for me to nod and show approval for what she said. On one occasion while we were really high, she even blurted out (when someone didn't let her look at me) something along the lines of "just wait a second for personalityless to confirm". So I am greatly confused wether this is and INTJ way of attempting to flirt, or just something else I'm way overanalyzing.

Anyway, during our first proper conversation she was talking about her plants and what plant was missing from her collection. Couple of weeks later, it turned out my good friend has about ten of them. So I sent her pics and told her I could get her one and this was met with excitement. We agree on seeing each other for the first time without the crew, which I thought implied that it would be just the two of us. Instead, she invited me to hang out with five of her friends. I did manage to charm her friends, but she wasn't nearly as excited towards me in person as she stated via text. It was all about the plant. Tomorrow one of the crewmembers told me how she bragged to everyone how I got her the plant during a birthday party I wasn't invited to.

We saw each other once since then, but I still remain perplexed to wether she likes me or not. She did make sure to point out that I'm invited to her birthday party next week, and whenever I text her she replies to my short one-liners with well thought-out long messages, so that's something.

What makes things even more complicated is that her beautiful sister was around when I delivered the plant and has already shown more interest towards me in less than 2 hours that the former did in 2 years.

This long post is mainly to get this off my chest, but I do want to see and INTJ perspective on all of this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
414 Posts
Hello everyone, there's this INTJ lady I'm obsessing with. Part of the reason I'm so obsessed is the fact that I cannot figure out wether she likes me or not, and I'm usually pretty good at it.

I've known her for about two years. I've lived abroad for the last three years and during that time she started hanging out regularly with my old friends. I met her on a few occasions while I was back for holidays, but, being very introverted as she is, she left absolutely no impression on me. Not only did she not talk to me, she barely talked to everyone else while I was around. In the meantime I got back from abroad for good and started seeing her regularly when the crew hangs out together. On one occasion she passionatly participated in a discussion I had zero interest in and she finally made an impression on me, although a bad one. All of this led to me not considering her a romantic interest.

All of this changed rather suddenly when one day she finally opened up to me. We had a nice long talk where I realised how interesting and intelligent she actually is. The socially accepted timeframe for starting to date someone has long gone, but I don't really care about those things so I started flirting with her from that day on. She never really flirted back. All my attempts at breaking the physical contact barrier fell short. Yet, now she's 100x more talkative and whenever she makes a point or believes she said something really smart, she looks at me and waits for me to nod and show approval for what she said. On one occasion while we were really high, she even blurted out (when someone didn't let her look at me) something along the lines of "just wait a second for personalityless to confirm". So I am greatly confused wether this is and INTJ way of attempting to flirt, or just something else I'm way overanalyzing.

Anyway, during our first proper conversation she was talking about her plants and what plant was missing from her collection. Couple of weeks later, it turned out my good friend has about ten of them. So I sent her pics and told her I could get her one and this was met with excitement. We agree on seeing each other for the first time without the crew, which I thought implied that it would be just the two of us. Instead, she invited me to hang out with five of her friends. I did manage to charm her friends, but she wasn't nearly as excited towards me in person as she stated via text. It was all about the plant. Tomorrow one of the crewmembers told me how she bragged to everyone how I got her the plant during a birthday party I wasn't invited to.

We saw each other once since then, but I still remain perplexed to wether she likes me or not. She did make sure to point out that I'm invited to her birthday party next week, and whenever I text her she replies to my short one-liners with well thought-out long messages, so that's something.

What makes things even more complicated is that her beautiful sister was around when I delivered the plant and has already shown more interest towards me in less than 2 hours that the former did in 2 years.

This long post is mainly to get this off my chest, but I do want to see and INTJ perspective on all of this.
Just ask and be prepared to live with the outcome.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,159 Posts
Hello everyone, there's this INTJ lady I'm obsessing with. Part of the reason I'm so obsessed is the fact that I cannot figure out wether she likes me or not, and I'm usually pretty good at it.

I've known her for about two years. I've lived abroad for the last three years and during that time she started hanging out regularly with my old friends. I met her on a few occasions while I was back for holidays, but, being very introverted as she is, she left absolutely no impression on me. Not only did she not talk to me, she barely talked to everyone else while I was around. In the meantime I got back from abroad for good and started seeing her regularly when the crew hangs out together. On one occasion she passionatly participated in a discussion I had zero interest in and she finally made an impression on me, although a bad one. All of this led to me not considering her a romantic interest.

All of this changed rather suddenly when one day she finally opened up to me. We had a nice long talk where I realised how interesting and intelligent she actually is. The socially accepted timeframe for starting to date someone has long gone, but I don't really care about those things so I started flirting with her from that day on. She never really flirted back. All my attempts at breaking the physical contact barrier fell short. Yet, now she's 100x more talkative and whenever she makes a point or believes she said something really smart, she looks at me and waits for me to nod and show approval for what she said. On one occasion while we were really high, she even blurted out (when someone didn't let her look at me) something along the lines of "just wait a second for personalityless to confirm". So I am greatly confused wether this is and INTJ way of attempting to flirt, or just something else I'm way overanalyzing.

Anyway, during our first proper conversation she was talking about her plants and what plant was missing from her collection. Couple of weeks later, it turned out my good friend has about ten of them. So I sent her pics and told her I could get her one and this was met with excitement. We agree on seeing each other for the first time without the crew, which I thought implied that it would be just the two of us. Instead, she invited me to hang out with five of her friends. I did manage to charm her friends, but she wasn't nearly as excited towards me in person as she stated via text. It was all about the plant. Tomorrow one of the crewmembers told me how she bragged to everyone how I got her the plant during a birthday party I wasn't invited to.

We saw each other once since then, but I still remain perplexed to wether she likes me or not. She did make sure to point out that I'm invited to her birthday party next week, and whenever I text her she replies to my short one-liners with well thought-out long messages, so that's something.

What makes things even more complicated is that her beautiful sister was around when I delivered the plant and has already shown more interest towards me in less than 2 hours that the former did in 2 years.

This long post is mainly to get this off my chest, but I do want to see and INTJ perspective on all of this.
If this were me, you'd be considered a prospective but still under observation.

As for seeming more excited in text than in person, I am very guilty of that, especially since I tend to insist on punctuating. Additionally, I tend to have a reduced affect display in person. When it comes to expressing excitement, I'm usually not more than a 5 unless you really blow the doors off.

Regarding having her hang out with her friends, from my perspective it could be one or more of the following;
1. She wants you to meet her friends, which is a good thing.
2. She didn't quite catch that you wanted it to be an only you two thing. I've done this. I'm really stupid/oblivious sometimes.
3. She is unsure/insecure about being alone with you yet. Perhaps she's trying to determine if you like her.
4. It's actually platonic.

Being all about the plant - I identify with that. If you bring me something I'm missing or something that's in my top 3 favorite things, I hone in on it. This is the downside of the INTJ laser focus - we don't always control it. I can't count how many times someone has surprised me with a great gift and 2 days later, I think "did I even thank them?!" and I truly can't remember because I was so fixated on the surprise and my brain just kinda... idk how to describe it.... my thoughts become like moths to the gift flame and nothing else exists while I have that surge. It would be extremely meaningful that you did that for me, though. Definitely level you up.

I'll leave you with this:
1. Be patient. INTJs like to "vet" prospective romantic interests, especially if they lack dating experience or are less assertive in nature. The beginning part where she wasn't interacting much was probably the observation/intel gathering stage. If this is something you want, I think it seems like you're in a good direction.
2. My boyfriend of 2 years is an INTP. There are times we aren't speaking the same language. So it can't hurt to be really explicit if, say, you want one on one time. Again, sometimes my real life interactions are actually secondary to what's happening in my mind and I can be a space cadet or miss something.
3. She's verifying that you'll be at an important-to-her event (birthday party). Positive sign.
4. Consider whether you would be satisfied with someone who is expressively a little cool. It seems that that is a big sticking point for you. You're not going to get high levels of exuberance from your standard INTJ. We'll be mushy and all that in due time but I'm not gonna run across the airport to my INTP and jump into his arms.
5. That said, you'll probably get a god's honest answer to whatever you ask so don't be afraid to just ask.

Good luck
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
If this were me, you'd be considered a prospective but still under observation.

As for seeming more excited in text than in person, I am very guilty of that, especially since I tend to insist on punctuating. Additionally, I tend to have a reduced affect display in person. When it comes to expressing excitement, I'm usually not more than a 5 unless you really blow the doors off.

Regarding having her hang out with her friends, from my perspective it could be one or more of the following;
1. She wants you to meet her friends, which is a good thing.
2. She didn't quite catch that you wanted it to be an only you two thing. I've done this. I'm really stupid/oblivious sometimes.
3. She is unsure/insecure about being alone with you yet. Perhaps she's trying to determine if you like her.
4. It's actually platonic.

Being all about the plant - I identify with that. If you bring me something I'm missing or something that's in my top 3 favorite things, I hone in on it. This is the downside of the INTJ laser focus - we don't always control it. I can't count how many times someone has surprised me with a great gift and 2 days later, I think "did I even thank them?!" and I truly can't remember because I was so fixated on the surprise and my brain just kinda... idk how to describe it.... my thoughts become like moths to the gift flame and nothing else exists while I have that surge. It would be extremely meaningful that you did that for me, though. Definitely level you up.

I'll leave you with this:
1. Be patient. INTJs like to "vet" prospective romantic interests, especially if they lack dating experience or are less assertive in nature. The beginning part where she wasn't interacting much was probably the observation/intel gathering stage. If this is something you want, I think it seems like you're in a good direction.
2. My boyfriend of 2 years is an INTP. There are times we aren't speaking the same language. So it can't hurt to be really explicit if, say, you want one on one time. Again, sometimes my real life interactions are actually secondary to what's happening in my mind and I can be a space cadet or miss something.
3. She's verifying that you'll be at an important-to-her event (birthday party). Positive sign.
4. Consider whether you would be satisfied with someone who is expressively a little cool. It seems that that is a big sticking point for you. You're not going to get high levels of exuberance from your standard INTJ. We'll be mushy and all that in due time but I'm not gonna run across the airport to my INTP and jump into his arms.
5. That said, you'll probably get a god's honest answer to whatever you ask so don't be afraid to just ask.

Good luck
Thanks for the lenghty reply, you raise some interesting points. I guess I should've been clear about wanting to hang out 1 on 1 and that is what I should do next. Once there, I guess asking anything would be far easier. I'm not sure yet wether I should wait for her birthday, or maybe text her now and try to get her to hang out before. Not sure how to go around doing that, but I guess if I think of something I'll just do it. I don't really text her too much, once a week maybe, my guess is that she wouldn't really like it more often.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Literally just joined so I'm pretty lame at this point. Are there any active chats right now? I have a question about an INTJ I just started talking to but didn't know if this was still active. I met this person on a dating app. Initially it went very well. Spoke on the phone quickly which she liked. Texted a bit before planned date. She got sick and had to rain check. Then I turned her off because I was too enthusiastic about doing something and it was too much. Which I understand. I am just outgoing and was in a good mood and having fun. But after some direct texts back and forth where I sincerely said I understand how she felt. I took the blame for her impression because it has happened before. I expected she would be nice but be gone. The next day I got a text asking if I knew my personality type. She told me hers. We exchanged a few texts the next couple of days but definitely was not in the space of wanting to talk again or make plans. I'm not really sure what's going on. Is she just being nice? Is her intention to help me? Did she reconsider but treading lightly? Was just curious if anyone had any insight into what she might be thinking or my situation and how I should proceed.

Thank You
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,137 Posts
Was just curious if anyone had any insight into what she might be thinking or my situation and how I should proceed.

Thank You
Sounds like too much too fast and now she's recalibrated to a more comfortable distance/pace. I'm not sure as I never used dating apps, but when I was expanding my social group on a phone-based equivalent, the talk-twice-and-now-coffee pace really rubbed me the wrong way.
 

·
Registered
ENFP 2w3 sp/so
Joined
·
160 Posts
hiyaa! okay so im a little embarrassed, maybe i need to provide some context.
Basically i created this account 3 years ago because of a certain person. I jumped here few times whenever i panic or get confused, mainly because this is something i cant tell anyone around me (its a secret, plus to avoid judgment).

So this INTJ and I are online friends, and im not sure why but we both kept our friendship a secret. I started getting confused when he hinted an interest quite a few times but I never knew how to act because i dont really get these stuff. He can be distant, but sometimes he'd be very sweet. Few times he showed a slightly vulnerable side which i found super cute, he'd disappear whenever he did that tho. He asked me back then to "annoy him" often but i honestly couldn't stay consistent because im just too shy and im afraid to be a bother by messaging everyday. Sometimes we wouldn't talk for months but we'd have a little convo out of the blue. He'd throw few nice compliments too.
Here's where things got confusing; after getting into a transitional phase, he's almost completely off social media now. But I can reach him through a certain app. He broke the silence once, and when i tried to keep the conversation up he completely disappeared for another month, i literally started to worry. Then he was back and showed a little warmth again. But then he's distant again aaaaaaa like it confuses and scares me at the same time. I dont understand if he's mad or just busy. and his replies recently are usually brief; okay i know he's always like that but it's been a while now. i cant help but wonder what was all of this about? But i dont want to pressure or anything.

I can't ask anyone or vent because its a secret and i'm trying my best to keep it... thus why this is the only place i can ask for advice. I dont know how to act and im honestly too scared to directly ask because what happens next? it's been 3 years im such a coward aaaaa
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,137 Posts
^ it's trite, but you would do better to ask. probably none of us can answer for this particular intj.

or instead of asking, say something. after all this isn't about 'so, do you want to get married, or what' , it sounds like. it's not hugely confronting to bring it up. he's just leaving too much of the initiation to you, and it's leaving you raw. i think it's fair to comment on that, and if he's like me it's the sort of thing he's more likely to have done out of inadvertence and a sort of mythologizing of non-intraverts.

I do tend to be very passive and maybe a little thoughtless that way. i never think of myself as having enough of an impact on anyone else to bring any 'duty of care' kind of thing into play - to invoke legal language for it. I take this default position of 'if they want me they know where to find me, ' and it takes active notice from them for me think my own actions or lack could make any impression on them either way.
 
14001 - 14020 of 14045 Posts
Top