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Discussion Starter #1
I am starting this thread as a public service to us all..

It seems so many of us have been burned by love that maybe if we paid attention to
those little red flags, we wouldn't have been..

But what if you don't know what to look for?

That is why this thread could be a handy reference to us all..

Please share you own.. the more the merrier :)

1- If she tells you she loves you on the 2nd date.. Red Flag
2- If she has collection agencies calling everyday.. Red Flag
3- If she has moved 6 times in the last 3 years..Red Flag
4- If she calls all her ex boyfriends "stalker" and such.. Red Flag
5- If every little coincidence is somehow a magical moment of synchronicity and fate.. Red Flag
6- If the very 1st disagreement you have causes her to have an existential crisis.. Red Flag

what do you have?? :crazy:
 

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I agree with you, Jack Rabid. The ones you mention are indicative of controlling or or potentially abusive behaviours. I think you should listen to your body, what it's telling you when you feel uneasy or are in disbelief about what you just heard.

Others I would add are:
Being offered friendly suggestions to how you might look better.
Blames others for problems. "People are idiots."
Seems to think everyone's jealous of him.
Uses racial slurs or derogative comments about others of your gender.
Goes from charming to monster in about three seconds.
Gets upset when you spend time with family
Seems happy when you're down.
Seems down when you're happy or feeling accomplished
Puts down your family.
Doesn't want to meet your friends. Wishes you didn't spend so much time with them
You start to feel uneasy expressing your opinion to this person
Yuo start practicing in your head how you're going to say something to avoid his or her anger.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
I agree with you, Jack Rabid. The ones you mention are indicative of controlling or or potentially abusive behaviours. I think you should listen to your body, what it's telling you when you feel uneasy or are in disbelief about what you just heard.

Others I would add are:
Being offered friendly suggestions to how you might look better.
Blames others for problems. "People are idiots."
Seems to think everyone's jealous of him.
Uses racial slurs or derogative comments about others of your gender.
Goes from charming to monster in about three seconds.
Gets upset when you spend time with family
Seems happy when you're down.
Seems down when you're happy or feeling accomplished
Puts down your family.
Doesn't want to meet your friends. Wishes you didn't spend so much time with them
You start to feel uneasy expressing your opinion to this person
Yuo start practicing in your head how you're going to say something to avoid his or her anger.
LOL I saw a few more in your list that I could relate to.. :)

I would also add... Lists

If she/he makes a list of conditions ..
If you follow that list and they are STILL unhappy.. Red Flag

Or if she/he makes a List called "Our Needs" and it only contains their needs and none of yours.. Red Flag

If anyone who might be allies, is refered to as a cohort .. Red Flag
 

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When a guy says he reminds you of an ex girl friend who killed herself. RED FLAG!!

When you get that gut feeling that this guy is a douche bag, and you should break up with himRED FLAG!! (BELIEVE it, don't second guess yourself).

When you see pictures on his/her myspace of an engagement party/baby shower (and he/she doesnt talk about being married or having kids) RED FLAG!

When a guy says "if you don't have sex with me soon, or in the next few months" DUMP HIS ASS!! Because that is a RED FLAG!

I never really believed this before until it happened to me.Watch how guys treat their moms. If they are openly disrespectful, find some one new. My ex would always call his mom awful things including the word that starts with a c and ends with a t. And he never called me those words before, because I wouldn't put up with it. But towards the end of our relationship, when he was mad he'd call me a heartless bitch, etc. It only went down hill from there. So if a guy treats his mom like shit RED FLAGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!
 

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My red flags for any kind of relationship are in

Body language
tone of voice
Uncanny circumstances that have brought us together (I don't believe in coincidence and I've had a few creeps set up situations to try and back me into a corner never again!)
Contradictory statements e.g. "I know you're married, I just want to be your friend! Give me a chance to get to know you (with your fine ass)"


 

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Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
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I am starting this thread as a public service to us all..

It seems so many of us have been burned by love that maybe if we paid attention to
those little red flags, we wouldn't have been..

But what if you don't know what to look for?

That is why this thread could be a handy reference to us all..

Please share you own.. the more the merrier :)

1- If she tells you she loves you on the 2nd date.. Red Flag
2- If she has collection agencies calling everyday.. Red Flag
3- If she has moved 6 times in the last 3 years..Red Flag
4- If she calls all her ex boyfriends "stalker" and such.. Red Flag
5- If every little coincidence is somehow a magical moment of synchronicity and fate.. Red Flag
6- If the very 1st disagreement you have causes her to have an existential crisis.. Red Flag

what do you have?? :crazy:

You'd be terrified of me. :tongue:

For me, red flags would be...

If he gets angry over accidents, is impatient with children and animals, becomes boastful or competitive around his peers, has mostly negative things to say about other people, is rude to waiters/waitresses or others in positions of service, takes the wrong side when complaining about situations where people have been victimized, says anything about it being wrong to have or express weakness or emotional pain, indicates that he does not take me seriously or trust my perceptions, frequently generalizes about all women being a certain way, etc.
 

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You'd be terrified of me. :tongue:

For me, red flags would be...

If he gets angry over accidents, is impatient with children and animals, becomes boastful or competitive around his peers, has mostly negative things to say about other people, is rude to waiters/waitresses or others in positions of service, takes the wrong side when complaining about situations where people have been victimized, says anything about it being wrong to have or express weakness or emotional pain, indicates that he does not take me seriously or trust my perceptions, frequently generalizes about all women being a certain way, etc.
All very good red flags...except the victimization one. I don't understand that. What kind of complaint does a person make about a situation like this? I've been vicitmized before. I accept partial responsibility for it too...do my complaints against the wrong decisions I made in those situations send up a red flag?
 

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If he asks you to marry him after being together only one month. :confused: True story. It happens.
Yeah, that's scary. Right up there with that, becoming angry because after a few weeks you're not ready to introduce him to your parents.
 

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If he says...
  • I will treat you like a princess (or perhaps a doll you can dress???)
  • What's your view on open relationships? (I had to ask what an open relationship was sooo naive at the time)
  • I'm waiting for the perfect job (really!...so no contenders in 5 years?)
  • Trouble seems to follow/ find me (ok....bye ; )
  • I love you (on the first date)
  • I love you and you start feeling drowsy after a drink (on the first date)
  • I will take her home don't worry (he's referring to your drunken friend that can't stand)
  • Boyfriends are so last year (I didn't get the memo)
  • I was in china (when he returns after disappearing for 4 months)
  • Ehrm hi (while walking backwards away from you in the supermarket and you realise he is with a Chinese girl who's picking out their dinner)
  • You're the one I'm with just now (no I don't mean I'm jealous of an ex girlfriend he's meaning rather than the other 3 he's currently seeing that you just found out about)
  • It doesn't bother me that my parents want us to live with them
  • When you speak all I hear is blah blah blah
  • I want a girl that doesn't have an opinion
  • You woman can't have an opinion AND want me to give you my jacket when you're cold
  • Your cold sorry should have brought your own jacket (he's not joking he's actually serious)
  • After you pay for the meal again (you always pay for the meal....yes always I'm cool with 50/50 but always????) he lies and says to the waiter "I always treat her it's her turn" or I bought her a such and such the other day (he didn't buy you this)
 

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To the OP: I have debt collectors calling. It's called being unemployed for a year and not getting unemployment pay because I am technically a self-employed contractor. I'd hope that someone wouldn't write me off because of a bum economy. Especially considering I had perfect credit prior to my misfortune, a decent amount of savings, and was totally financially independent.

My red flags (all true stories):

- He is weird about paying on the first date (or just plain doesn't), and says something presumptuous like, "I'll get this, you get the next". Inevitably has a chip on his shoulder about women. Holds true every time.
- A guy you you barely know suggests taking a walk in a secluded area alone at night, and repeatedly pushes the topic when you keep declining.
- He emails a succession of lengthy emails before you even have a chance to respond to the first
- He texts you 50+ times a day when you've responded to maybe 2
- He leaves voice messages so long he has to call back to finish because it cut him off
- He tells you he loves you when you've never even gone on a date
- He snoops for private info of you online
- He asks you your name at the end of the date because he forgot
- He interrogates you about your religious beliefs on first or second date, or any date for that matter
- He indirectly insults your intelligence and religious beliefs and then makes a half-assed apology that is more of an excuse
- He calls you to ask you out and proceeds to whine about his sucky life for 10 minutes.
- He regales tales of his 2 day non stop partying
- He tells you he's always "that guy" - the one his female friends turn to when upset, but never the boyfriend. Turns out there's always a reason for that....
- He knows you are broke and jobless, but insists on taking you out for sushi (not cheap) and then makes you split the bill
- Short man tells you he likes short girls, but then asks you, a tall girl, out anyway; and surprise, surprise, his ego cannot handle it
- He wonders why after 3 dates (spread out over 2 months) all you've done is kiss
- He talks non stop for 40 minutes and asks you nothing about yourself
- He rants about "Hispanic" people on the date, not knowing you are half Latin
- He is vegetarian, doesn't tell you at first, but glares at the meat dish you ordered
- He checks out & comments on the appearance of every women in a 50 ft radius who is even mildly attractive, when he's supposed to be on a date with you.
- He flirts with everything that moves
- He tells you that his mom, whom you've never met, thinks your college major was stupid and then gets annoyed when you say you don't care what people think when you don't even know them
 

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Discussion Starter #16
To the OP: I have debt collectors calling. It's called being unemployed for a year and not getting unemployment pay because I am technically a self-employed contractor. I'd hope that someone wouldn't write me off because of a bum economy. Especially considering I had perfect credit prior to my misfortune, a decent amount of savings, and was totally financially independent.

My red flags (all true stories):

- He is weird about paying on the first date (or just plain doesn't), and says something presumptuous like, "I'll get this, you get the next". Inevitably has a chip on his shoulder about women. Holds true every time.
- He you barely know suggests taking a walk in a secluded area alone at night, and repeatedly pushes the topic when you keep declining.
- He emails a succession of lengthy emails before you even have a chance to respond to the first
- He texts you 50+ times a day when you've responded to maybe 2
- He leaves voice messages so long he has to call back to finish because it cut him off
- He tells you he loves you when you've never even gone on a date
- He snoops for private info of you online
- He asks you your name at the end of the date because he forgot
- He interrogates you about your religious beliefs on first or second date, or any date for that matter
- He indirectly insults your intelligence and religious beliefs and then makes a half-assed apology that is more of an excuse
- He calls you to ask you out and proceeds to whine about his sucky life for 10 minutes.
- He regales tales of his 2 day non stop partying
- He tells you he's always "that guy" - the one his female friends turn to when upset, but never the boyfriend. Turns out there's always a reason for that....
- He knows you are broke and jobless, but insists on taking you out for sushi (not cheap) and then makes you split the bill
- Short man tells you he likes short girls, but then asks you, a tall girl, out anyway; and surprise, surprise, his ego cannot handle it
- He wonders why after 3 dates (spread out over 2 months) all you've done is kiss
- He talks non stop for 40 minutes and asks you nothing about yourself
- He rants about "Hispanic" people on the date, not knowing you are half Latin
- He is vegetarian, doesn't tell you at first, but glares at the meat dish you ordered
- He checks out & comments on the appearance of every women in a 50 ft radius who is even mildly attractive, when he's supposed to be on a date with you.
- He flirts with everything that moves
- He tells you that his mom, whom you've never met, thinks your college major was stupid and then gets annoyed when you say you don't care what people think when you don't even know them
I didn't say any of mine were "Deal Breakers".. Just red flags.. for next time..

Some people genuinely have been screwed by the economy.. some people are just bad with money
 

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Mine would be:

  • Constantly complaining that everyone around him is stupid. This includes everybody from the waiter to the architect who designed the building you're in
  • Talks about himself all the time and doesn't ask about you
  • Keeps quiet and expect you to make all the conversation. Makes no effort to contribute to it- until he starts getting drunk
  • Asks you what you want before ordering for the both of you when the waiter comes by (excuse me, I can very well order for myself)
  • Being a poor listener while he is constantly scanning the room
  • Splits the bill to the last cent
  • Offers to pay for the cab but makes sure he pays you to the last cent for what he's ordered for dinner (minus his share of the taxi fare)
  • Always late on dates and doesn't call or text you to tell you he's held up
  • Leaves his phone on silent everytime you're out together. Walking away from you whenever he has to take a call
  • If this behaviour is combined by entire evenings/days of him being missing in action, you can be certain he's playing you
  • Always confusing you with another female "friend". Or has a habit of saying, "Oh yes, you're the one who..."
  • Has a habit of calling you to find out where you are going on nights you're not planning to see each other
  • Forgets to do something he said he'd do for you but tries to manipulate you into thinking he didn't receive your reply to his text message/email
  • Gets the time/place/date of a date/event wrong and blames you
  • Repeating cycles in which he holds back when you warm up and pursues you hotly when you're aloof
 

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A few of mine:

  • She gives you an ultimatum (Pick! It's either me or ________!)
  • She tells you that you need to be home by a certain time
  • She picks fights with your friends and expects you to take her side
  • She tries to make long term living arrangements or plan things in the distant future after a month or two of dating
  • She accuses you of not caring about her every time you argue (ENFP-INTP relationship right there)
  • You know that she isn't right for you and that you aren't happy, but for some reason you just can't shake the idea that you're "meant to be"
Also:
Dr. Squires: Certain people you just can't trust, you know Luke? Never trust anyone who doesn't smoke pot or listen to Bob Dylan. Never trust anyone who doesn't like the beach. Never, ever, ever trust anyone who says they don't like dogs!
You meet someone who doesn't like dogs you alert the authorities immediately and you sure as shit don't marry them!


I love The Wackness. Great movie.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
A few of mine:

  • She gives you an ultimatum (Pick! It's either me or ________!)
  • She tells you that you need to be home by a certain time
  • She picks fights with your friends and expects you to take her side
  • She tries to make long term living arrangements or plan things in the distant future after a month or two of dating
  • She accuses you of not caring about her every time you argue (ENFP-INTP relationship right there)
  • You know that she isn't right for you and that you aren't happy, but for some reason you just can't shake the idea that you're "meant to be"
Also:
Dr. Squires: Certain people you just can't trust, you know Luke? Never trust anyone who doesn't smoke pot or listen to Bob Dylan. Never trust anyone who doesn't like the beach. Never, ever, ever trust anyone who says they don't like dogs!
You meet someone who doesn't like dogs you alert the authorities immediately and you sure as shit don't marry them!


I love The Wackness. Great movie.
That is just because you want it to work..I've recently been in that trap myself.. You like/love someone but it become obvious things are just not happening..
To avoid this.. Listen to the RED FLAGS that have been going off in your head..:wink:
 
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