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As intp male in early stage of relationship with infj female, I've realized that it's hard for me to be a dependable person (being an unmotivated intp) for someone who knows exactly what they want in life and likes to be on top of things (infj). Nonetheless, she often shows that she needs someone mature and dependable in her life, and I would like to know how I can show her that I'm someone that she can rely on sometimes. I realize that I'm going out of the way to be a completely different person, but it's because I really think she's the one I want to get serious with, and I see nothing wrong with adapting for the person you love, especially since I've always wanted to be more mature anyway.

Having said that, what is the best way to show her that she can open up to me more and rely on me when she's going through difficult times? Also, do you have any other tips on relationship between intp and infj? Thanks a lot :)
 

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How can she be the one you want to be serious with if you have to change yourself (which will only last so long). If she needs all the time dependable and you're sometimes, then don't waste her time - or yours.
 

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Reliability is about being there. If you say "I'll be there. I'll do that." Then just be there and do that. It's basically about not contradicting yourself and your expressed intentions. Don't say it if the chances of you following through are slim. If the problem is that you never really do want to say "I'll be there. I'll do that" then that means you don't like the idea of someone counting on your word and so you are not fit to have that kind of bond with them yet.

As you've alluded to, this does come down to motivation. There isn't any special tip or trick... You just do it. If you're finding you want to avoid her calls or listening to her when she's stressed or upset or you don't feel it's worth the energy to go see her sometimes, then maybe you're not that compatible.

It would help if you could give an example of in what ways you are not dependable, and/or what you think it is she wants.

I think wanting to grow is great, but it is concerning that you frame it in terms of being practically a completely different person. No one changes so much of themselves so quickly, and real change and growth tends to be a painful process. I also caution thinking too much about designing yourself to suit her at this early stage. Having had someone do that for me, I saw what a toll it took on him. Know the limits of your energy and don't let her needs become more important than yours.

Again, the only way you can show her is by being it, doing it. INFJs don't buy into nice-sounding words and intentional gestures in the place of evidence. If you want to be there, then be there. If you don't, then don't and realise that you want the ideal of a relationship more than the reality of one.
 

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First of all, let me say that it's really admirable that you're willing to try for her. Do not be discouraged.

Second: Just be honest and supportive because from the sound of it, that's all she wants/needs from you. Reliability requires effort and dedication, not a personality change.

You can still be loyal and trustworthy without having to change who you are.
 

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How can she be the one you want to be serious with if you have to change yourself (which will only last so long). If she needs all the time dependable and you're sometimes, then don't waste her time - or yours.
I'm going to second this... especially if she's asking you to change. (Either by words or by actions) While it's commendable to want to be the best version of you for your SO... if you're having to change, you're not really giving a best version of you... you're not giving you at all... but something else. You're not being honest with her, yourself or your relationship... and you won't likely be able to pull it off for long, anyway... and if by some miracle you do? I can't imagine anyone being happy by having to be someone they're not.

Also agree with @Nightstorm on this bit You can still be loyal and trustworthy without having to change who you are.

Good luck.
 

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As intp male in early stage of relationship with infj female, I've realized that it's hard for me to be a dependable person (being an unmotivated intp) for someone who knows exactly what they want in life and likes to be on top of things (infj). Nonetheless, she often shows that she needs someone mature and dependable in her life, and I would like to know how I can show her that I'm someone that she can rely on sometimes. I realize that I'm going out of the way to be a completely different person, but it's because I really think she's the one I want to get serious with, and I see nothing wrong with adapting for the person you love, especially since I've always wanted to be more mature anyway.

Having said that, what is the best way to show her that she can open up to me more and rely on me when she's going through difficult times? Also, do you have any other tips on relationship between intp and infj? Thanks a lot :)

You don't have to change. INTPs can be rocks to build on, and that's what it's about.

It doesn't mean you have to be planning now, she'll do enough of that for the both of you. It just means that you'll show up when you say you will. That you'll be there to listen when she needs it. That you won't flee at the first sign of trouble. That even if you can't find the perfect words, you'll try to communicate what's going on in your head.
It means you won't play games, you won't be there one day but not the next.

My oldest brother is an INTP. He has been my rock for most of my life. And he has done it being completely himself.
Every type can be mature and dependable for someone else. You can be goofy and still dependable too. It's not a contradiction, it just depends on timing when to be what.
 

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Reliability is about being there. If you say "I'll be there. I'll do that." Then just be there and do that.
INTPs usually dont have issues with saying they'll do something, then contradicting themselves. They have issues with people expecting them to do something, and then not being motivated to live up to that expectation.

It's usually INTJs that over-promise, and under-deliver.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
How can she be the one you want to be serious with if you have to change yourself (which will only last so long). If she needs all the time dependable and you're sometimes, then don't waste her time - or yours.
Yeah, I can sort of see your viewpoint. It's just that so far, I feel like it's just me not being as mature or experienced as she is. And I think she knows it, too, that I lack the experience or skill set to help her out in her times of difficulty, since she doesn't open up to me as much as I would like her to. I just want to let her know that I can help her out when she's not feeling 100% happy, instead of feeling helpless beside her, not knowing how I can reach out to her.

I'm going to second this... especially if she's asking you to change. (Either by words or by actions) While it's commendable to want to be the best version of you for your SO... if you're having to change, you're not really giving a best version of you... you're not giving you at all... but something else. You're not being honest with her, yourself or your relationship... and you won't likely be able to pull it off for long, anyway... and if by some miracle you do? I can't imagine anyone being happy by having to be someone they're not.

Also agree with @Nightstorm on this bit You can still be loyal and trustworthy without having to change who you are.

Good luck.
Yeah, I guess you're right that I can still be a loyal boyfriend without having to change who I am, but I noticed that she keeps helping other people pull through in stressful situations, and I'd like to do the same for her as well. I believe being able to depend on each other will have an overall positive influence on ourselves and our relationship. The challenge so far was that because I haven't publicly shown my emotions or willingness to help other people in general and she hasn't gotten to know me very well (having dated for less than two months), she may not feel like she can discuss her problems when she is going through some dramatic changes in her life.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Reliability is about being there. If you say "I'll be there. I'll do that." Then just be there and do that. It's basically about not contradicting yourself and your expressed intentions. Don't say it if the chances of you following through are slim. If the problem is that you never really do want to say "I'll be there. I'll do that" then that means you don't like the idea of someone counting on your word and so you are not fit to have that kind of bond with them yet.

As you've alluded to, this does come down to motivation. There isn't any special tip or trick... You just do it. If you're finding you want to avoid her calls or listening to her when she's stressed or upset or you don't feel it's worth the energy to go see her sometimes, then maybe you're not that compatible.

It would help if you could give an example of in what ways you are not dependable, and/or what you think it is she wants.

I think wanting to grow is great, but it is concerning that you frame it in terms of being practically a completely different person. No one changes so much of themselves so quickly, and real change and growth tends to be a painful process. I also caution thinking too much about designing yourself to suit her at this early stage. Having had someone do that for me, I saw what a toll it took on him. Know the limits of your energy and don't let her needs become more important than yours.

Again, the only way you can show her is by being it, doing it. INFJs don't buy into nice-sounding words and intentional gestures in the place of evidence. If you want to be there, then be there. If you don't, then don't and realise that you want the ideal of a relationship more than the reality of one.
Thank you very much for sharing your personal experience. I realize that I have to make sure that I'm changing because I want to, not because I want to somehow better fit her. She's also expressed that she doesn't want to change how I am, but I feel like being someone that she can turn to for guidance is part of me growing up and matching up her level of maturity, so we can continue being in a stable relationship. Thank you for your advice!

First of all, let me say that it's really admirable that you're willing to try for her. Do not be discouraged.

Second: Just be honest and supportive because from the sound of it, that's all she wants/needs from you. Reliability requires effort and dedication, not a personality change.

You can still be loyal and trustworthy without having to change who you are.
Thank you for your encouragement :) I really appreciate that
 

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Following through on verbal plans. It might not be on your calendar, but if she asked a week ago if you would go to that party with her, and you said "sure" you better damn well do it. In her mind it was not tentative, but a confirmation. If you've changed your mind about the party, tell her in advance as soon as possible. This will save you.
:perc3:
 

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Yeah, I can sort of see your viewpoint. It's just that so far, I feel like it's just me not being as mature or experienced as she is. And I think she knows it, too, that I lack the experience or skill set to help her out in her times of difficulty, since she doesn't open up to me as much as I would like her to. I just want to let her know that I can help her out when she's not feeling 100% happy, instead of feeling helpless beside her, not knowing how I can reach out to her.
If you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is to ask "What can I do for you?" or "How can I help?"

This indicates that:

1. You're willing to help (support).
2. You're allowing her to decide what help she needs at the moment (empowerment).
3. Showing that you're there for her (reliability).

And really, her response might be something very small that she requires. The last thing you should do is try to fix it for her (unless of course it's something you could literally fix). You can't solve her problems as you will never know the precise details of the problem.

Don't worry about her not opening up to you. In reality, she doesn't know you very well, and it's unlikely she'll want to share too much with you just yet. Trust takes time to build.

Also, stop this changing business. She didn't fall in like/love with someone who's going to change to suit them. She fell for YOU. As you are. Right now. If you're going to improve yourself, do it for YOU not for her.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
You don't have to change. INTPs can be rocks to build on, and that's what it's about.

It doesn't mean you have to be planning now, she'll do enough of that for the both of you. It just means that you'll show up when you say you will. That you'll be there to listen when she needs it. That you won't flee at the first sign of trouble. That even if you can't find the perfect words, you'll try to communicate what's going on in your head.
It means you won't play games, you won't be there one day but not the next.

My oldest brother is an INTP. He has been my rock for most of my life. And he has done it being completely himself.
Every type can be mature and dependable for someone else. You can be goofy and still dependable too. It's not a contradiction, it
just depends on timing when to be what.

If you don't know what to do, the best thing to do is to ask "What can I do for you?" or "How can I help?"

This indicates that:

1. You're willing to help (support).
2. You're allowing her to decide what help she needs at the moment (empowerment).
3. Showing that you're there for her (reliability).

And really, her response might be something very small that she requires. The last thing you should do is try to fix it for her (unless of course it's something you could literally fix). You can't solve her problems as you will never know the precise details of the problem.

Don't worry about her not opening up to you. In reality, she doesn't know you very well, and it's unlikely she'll want to share too much with you just yet. Trust takes time to build.

Also, stop this changing business. She didn't fall in like/love with someone who's going to change to suit them. She fell for YOU. As you are. Right now. If you're going to improve yourself, do it for YOU not for her.

Thank you for your advice :) For the past 2 weeks, our relationship's progressed so much and I've noticed that she's been opening up to me a lot more. I guess I was worrying too much as usual. Thanks everyone for your help and advice :)
 

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Thank you for your advice :) For the past 2 weeks, our relationship's progressed so much and I've noticed that she's been opening up to me a lot more. I guess I was worrying too much as usual. Thanks everyone for your help and advice :)
yay!
always good to hear that the world is again a bit brighter for someone :)
 

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It sounds like you're on the right track but I thought I'd chime in...

I'm an INFJ, I've had my INTP partner for 5 years or so and I knew him as a friend for 3 1/2 years before that. He's seven years older than me so I think that helped with any maturity stuff. He's not immature by any means; that is not a word I would use to characterize him at any stage that I've known him. Yet society might see him that way--dropped out of school a few times (although did eventually get a degree), was living with parents when I met him (which I honestly admired--I hate paying rent), I don't think he's unmotivated but he is indecisive about what he wants to Do With His Life. Meanwhile I was starting my own business (in a heavily regulated industry & state) before I hit drinking age. But...he's super dependable when it comes to the things I need. Like other people have said--say what you are planning to do and follow through. If you can't do something, don't want to do something, be honest. My INTP partner is honest to a fault and sometimes it can be frustrating or hurt to hear him say that he doesn't want to do XYZ when I want him to, but in the end it's information I value. I can trust that when he says he'll do something, he will, and he's not just saying things to make me happy. He doesn't always give me the support I would choose to have, but he really puts forth the effort and is so earnest about respecting and trying to meet my needs that it ends up being the support I needed anyway. I agree with Hanne that INTPs can be rocks to build on. I've known my partner for almost 9 years and he's changed the way he's interacted with me over that time based on my requests (and it goes both ways; I am receptive to his feedback as well), but he is still the same person, just with some polishing... and although I would never want him to be a different person or change who he is, that polishing (and the polishing I've done of myself too)--even the little tiny things--go a really long way to showing me his commitment and seriousness. If I'm like, "Hey, I don't like it when you xyz, can you qrs instead?" and he agrees to try, it's true he might still mess up a few times but I can tell he is being sincere and cares and that feels like dependability to me.
 
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