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Discussion Starter #1
Hello! I would appreciate some insight from INTP's or anyone who could help. (Thank you to whoever takes the time to read and respond to this)

I'm in a LDR with my boyfriend who is an INTP, and I'm INFP. We have been having some issues lately.

He has been less affectionate after being together for six-seven months. He used to love arguing for the weirdest things, even now he will start debates over the smallest things.

I was extremely insecure at the beginning of the relationship. I have now stopped talking to him about my problems and such (I grew up with an abusive dad and stepmom) But I'm recovering. I don't like involving him because he makes me feel bad for feeling a certain way, and sometimes he turns it into an argument for bringing certain things up. He has insulted me a few times, I'm not sure he meant to. Anyway, I've stopped talking about my insecurities with him because of that.

I recently answered a question on a website that he was also on, and he went on my profile to check my answers apparently. The question was something along the lines of, "What do you wish you could improve in your relationship?" And I explained that I wish things were the same as they were at the beginning of the relationship. He was more attracted to me, more affectionate and loving, etc.

I didn't talk to him about it because I knew he would have gotten irritated, and if he did decide to become more affectionate, it would make me feel bad. I don't want to tell someone to be more affectionate to me, because it doesn't feel genuine.

He brought it up and we talked about it, and he apologized for not being as loving, and he wishes I was happier and such. I told him that it was okay and that I understood. He asked me why I didn't bring it up and I explained.
-He then immediately became more affectionate and sexual with me, after not being that way for like a month or two.
It made me feel bad, and it didn't sit right with me. Knowing that he was only doing it because I wanted him to, not because he actually wanted to. (I hope this makes sense. I don't want to come off as hard to please. I am trying to say I would have liked if he took the initiative to be affectionate and loving, instead of me asking him to etc.)

When I told him that I felt bad that he was acting like this, and I didn't want him to feel like he had to, etc. He blew up. He was very angry and went off on me. I just told him goodbye and went to sleep.

When I woke up he blew up my phone, telling me that I am never happy no matter what he does etc. I started panicking and telling him that this is why I didn't want to talk to him about it because I knew I was going to feel bad and I knew it would start an argument. I nearly broke up with him because I was so frustrated. I also considered breaking up with him last time we argued over something really small because he makes everything into a fight.

When I said I wanted to break up, he went cold and he kept trying to talk it out, then followed up with "Well, it doesn't matter now." a few times. We both talked it out, and I told him that I only threatened to break up because I was extremely frustrated.

I am tired of threatening the relationship, it's not healthy and it's not fair to him. I really need to learn to step back and just try to sort my thoughts no matter how overwhelmed I feel.

I feel like a terrible girlfriend. He is somewhat more intimate now, but it's not the same. I have just given up hope on it ever being the same as it was in the beginning. Words of Affirmation mean a lot to me, and he doesn't really do any of that as much.

Ugh. I just feel like he deserves better and someone that would suit him.

Any advice? Or just your own opinion on this would be nice.

Thank you in advance.

5,574 Posts
Ok, so your case has a lot of parallels with another one that was here very recently, take a gander.

The main takeaway from that thread that applies to this is: A relationship usually truly begins after about six months, give or take, since the novelty's gone and you have a good feel for each other. It's natural for affection to plateau here.

Consider the following:

1) People have different requirements concerning sex, communication, affection, etc. If his "default" makes you feel your needs aren't being met, and you feel conveying said needs so he can meet them subtracts "genuineness", then you might have to weigh in the pros and cons of being in a relationship with him. Then you will need to decide whether a) Accepting this is a fair trade-off considering the pros, or b) Move on to someone whose default is more naturally compatible with your needs.

2)Having a relationship inevitably requires making your needs known, and negotiating compromises. Do appreciate the fact he was responsive to your feedback if you haven't already.

That being said, it's not a good sign if you feel you can't be fully open with the other person. If communication is consistently destructive on his end, and you guys fight over every single thing and can't seem to be able to fix it it might be best to call it quits.

3) Don't threaten the person you're trying to have a loving relationship with by holding said relationship hostage, you humongous dummy. You're effectively reducing your relationship to a power play/manipulation tool and this inevitably cheapens it. It's super unhealthy no matter what excuse you have for it.

Overall from your post, I see a lot of cons, and little in the way of pros. If you're tired, it's best to be alone than in poor company.
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5,306 Posts
You weren't telling him to be more affectionate. He took the initiative to find out what you wanted, and then he tried to please you. Maybe it's a "type" difference, but I don't see what's wrong with that.

At the same time, if he insults you and makes everything into a fight, that can't be good for you. Maybe it really isn't a good match.

I will say that people (in my case, men) who complain and expect me to express my affection/loyalty/whatever in a different way really wear me down.

If you're not ready to break up with him, stepping back and sorting out your thoughts (as you suggested) might be a good idea. With my ISTP boyfriend, I'm finding that if I'm upset it's okay to just shut down and ignore him for a day or so. This gives us both a chance to try to figure things out (in our own minds) without arguing or threatening to break up. We both get some good insights when we do this.

As for "but it's not the same," that's what happens to relationships after the initial illusions are shattered. Then you can decide whether you want to keep going.
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