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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Heyy! I'm an ENFJ and dating, i think almost postive, a ENFP and we've been going out for almost 7months now..
So i'm just curious about why everyone is saying ENFP and ENFJ's don't work good together..
sometimes i feel like he doesn't care about me.. cause i will try to put so much work and effort in a relationship and sometimes it feels like he doesn't even try..
course i don't bring it up to him cause i just really want him to be happy..
but do ENFP's have moods where they just really don't care about anything or.. ??

Also i just wanna know as ENFJ, how can i make our relationship better.. like what are somethings that bother ENFP's that ENFJ's do..
I try not to be too clingy.. and i don't try to be emotional with him at all.. i less i bottle up for along time. and bam.. i get hit and i can usually cover it up insake for him... or i tell him i gotta go while i try to boost myself back up again..

I just need tips for a realationship and ect?

Any advice from you ENFPs would be AWESOMEE!!

:happy:
 

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What do you mean "not get emotional" with him? I love being told that someone loves me, especially if that person is someone significant to me. We (I?) don't mind negative emotions either because I want to experience all of you, not just the happy-go-lucky part. For me, it sucks to be the guy who has to be constantly happy, and I hate being put in that position, so I sympathize with anyone who feels like they need to be that person. Just be you and be honest, otherwise he may think you're trying to deceive him because, more than likely, he'll sense the fact that you're covering something up.

I want to know when my partner (for lack of a better term) is in crisis. If there's something wrong, I want to know so I can help fix it, and if I can't, I'll find someone who can. Hell, there are girls who I seem to care about more than their current boyfriend does. It's, at least, in my nature to empathize and help out those closest to me. If your boyfriend is an ENFP, he will probably do the same, and not hesitate to help out and/or comfort you.

As for "not trying", it could be for multiple reasons:

1. There could be a fundamental breakdown of how you two communicate to each other, and he does care, but doesn't show it in a way that you'd expect. My most recent ex and I never understood each other, even though we cared about each other a lot. The only way we ever really knew it was the fact that we gave up favorable things to be with each other.

2. He's at a social "high point" in his life, and is just stretching himself too thin. ENFPs love social events, and feel obligated to attend each event that they're invited to, with the only limiter being time. If one starts at 2, and ends at 5, and there's another one that starts at 5, and ends at 9, and there's another one that starts at 8, then we'll be on time at 2 o'clock, be a little late for the 5 o'clock, and then we may leave early from the 5 o'clock to get to the 8 o'clock approximately on time. (Comprehensive time! 2 - 5, 5 - 9, 8 - ?, our schedule is 2 - 5, ~5 - 8 or 9?, ~8 or 9 - ?)

3. He's depressed, and doesn't want you to join in. "Misery loves company" is not something I sympathize with, personally. If I'm going to suffer, I'll suffer alone.

4. He could be like me, and just loves to do nothing but talk/lay around with his girlfriend, and socialize with everyone else. This is, understandably, viewed as "not caring" by others, but (to me) it lets you into my world and how I think, which I value deeply.

5. He doesn't actually care... While hopefully not the case, it certainly is a possibility. He could be the "flight of fancy" sort of ENFP that loves to hop from one relationship to the next. Some ENFPs are infamous for this sort of behavior.

Hope this helps. :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It does help me undersstandd... thanks :)

But i mean.. by emotionally.. is i don't like burdening people with my problems.. and i know he just wants to help... but i too.. like to suffer alone.. cause i hate making people sad cause of me..

Also... just some days when i talk to him.. he wont say anything.. and i really feel like i love him.. but seems like, he'll only talk to me when it works for him. unlike me i will go out of my way to talk to him? and i completely understand.. just what's a better way to keep him.. more talkative? or like.. in with the relationship?
 

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It doesn't make sense that he wouldn't want to talk to you. That's more of an introverted trait than anything, and I'm not talking strictly from a personality-typing perspective.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
ya... so i'm like.. if you are busy.. we can talk later? then he's like no no no! and then barely says anything?
but then some days he actually tries to add to the conversation..
and i'm sure he doesn't try to hurt my feelings.. but it just really bothers me... i'm good at brushing it aside though:) i'm really nota drama filled person.
just curious..
 

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It's not drama if it directly concerns and bothers you. Situations only become drama when you make something your problem when you clearly have nothing to do with it, or when you overreact. If you just pull him aside and ask why he isn't being talkative, or seemingly avoiding you, or whatever, then that should be a perfectly acceptable way to handle the situation and figure out what's really going wrong. Trust me, ignoring problems purely because it would cause conflict is not a healthy habit. I have plenty experience with those types of situations, and they never end pleasantly. Just deal with it now because it will hurt less now than it will down the road.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Ya i know you are right.. and it's a horrible habit.. but it's the only way i can take things one step at a time kinda deal..

But oka.. lets say.. i have asked him why he isn't talkative.. and he says i dont know..? or just doesn't wanna open up about it?
 

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I know this is probably not helpful but he doesn't sound like an ENFP to me... unless he is really a particularly unhealthy ENFP. I would love to help you, but I can't see myself relating to him in any way. :unsure:
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
well.. it's mainly over phone, chat, and txt he's like that.. not in person.. we both live in different towns..and i think communication is a huge thing in a relationship.. so is it cause he doesn't like phone chat and txting?
 

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well.. it's mainly over phone, chat, and txt he's like that.. not in person.. we both live in different towns..and i think communication is a huge thing in a relationship.. so is it cause he doesn't like phone chat and txting?
I know a couple times that I have refrained from texting a person I like back because I don't want to come across as clingy OR I want to test whether I am annoying him or not. (For example, what if he's only keeping up the conversation because he feels he has to? We worry about that a lot. If I don't reply back, I can see if he wants to continue the conversation or not, depending on whether he texts me again or not.) It's really strange that I do that, but I do. I'm "testing" him.

That's the only thing I can think of :\ You need to bring this up to him in person.
 

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My experience dating an ENFJ was mostly good except towards the end, he got very clingy and possessive and if I wanted to hang out with someone other than him, he took it very personally, but I never questioned his devotion towards me and he was very romantic, but the clingyness and his insecurity were a bit much for me. Also, it was rather strange, he and I would think the same way but get completely different conclusions from it, if that makes any sense. It seemed on the surface we were on the same page, but we really weren't, were as the ISTP i'm married to, thinks completely differently from me but we end up in the same place. I don't know if that makes any sense.

As for advice...basically, don't take it personally if he wants to spend time with friends on occassion and not just you, or wants a guys night out or whatever. Listen to him when he wants to talk, and be honest with him about your feelings. Don't hold them back per se. ENFPs (at least me) LIKE to hear the thoughts and feelings of their partner, but you may not want to let your emotions get out of hand, that can overwhelm anyone, just be open and honest but try to remain level headed when doing so. No one should have to keep everything inside (unless that's what they prefer to do, like those crazy ISTPs :tongue:)
 

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Ugh, being level-headed in arguments is so hard if the other person is yelling. :unsure:

Here's me at the beginning of her yelling: :mellow:

And me at the end of her yelling: :crying:

Here's me if I start yelling: :angry:

And me after I'm done yelling: :dry:

And me after we're done arguing: :sad:
 
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Ugh, being level-headed in arguments is so hard if the other person is yelling. :unsure:

Here's me at the beginning of her yelling: :mellow:

And me at the end of her yelling: :crying:

Here's me if I start yelling: :angry:

And me after I'm done yelling: :dry:

And me after we're done arguing: :sad:
I'm not any better. This tends to be me in the beginning of yelling :confused:
and me during and after for several hours later :crying:
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
well.. he's super understanding.. and caring.. if i bring it up to him.. i know he'll try or want to fix it right away.. and probably doesn't even know it's bothering mee.. haha.. i just hate to hurt peoples feelings.. especialy ppl i deeply care about..:unsure:
 

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summersoccer14 said:
well.. he's super understanding.. and caring.. if i bring it up to him.. i know he'll try or want to fix it right away.. and probably doesn't even know it's bothering mee.. haha.. i just hate to hurt peoples feelings.. especialy ppl i deeply care about..:unsure:
I know what you mean, but you can bring it up in such a way that shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. Trust me, how the conversation starts out can set the mood for the entire discussion. During the last month of our relationship, if my ex started out yelling, I would shut down and get emotional. If I started it level-headed, the rest of the conversation was level-headed. However, if I started it out yelling, it turned into a screaming match. Just approach it calm and collected, and everything should play out from there.
 

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I know what you mean, but you can bring it up in such a way that shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings. Trust me, how the conversation starts out can set the mood for the entire discussion. During the last month of our relationship, if my ex started out yelling, I would shut down and get emotional. If I started it level-headed, the rest of the conversation was level-headed. However, if I started it out yelling, it turned into a screaming match. Just approach it calm and collected, and everything should play out from there.
Yelling at an ENFP will get you NOWHERE... just had to clarify that. My dad likes to yell at me when I'm not helping him load up the car/ get ready for a road trip... and I just shut down. There's no way it's gonna happen now.
 
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