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Hey guys,
I'm 16, male, in high school, and have questions about the quality of relationships. I've found that the interactions I make with my peers are shallow. I have never had the friendship that I've dreamed of and I'm starting to feel lonely. I don't expect relationships to be perfect. I just want to meet genuine people with a real connection. I'm afraid that the connection I'm looking for doesn't exist. (Both romantic relationships and friendships)
I try my hardest to be self aware and work on self improvement. Self awareness is such a big deal to me but I don't see that in most other people. I think I'm emotionally intelligent for my age and this factor can separate me from others. This is the cause of my depression, which I went to therapy for but I only had three free sessions under my parents medical care.
Speaking of my parents... I live in a split family with my Dad remarried who i live with. I don't like my dad and step-mom. They are both shallow and harsh. My biological mother however is very nice but I only see her every other weekend. This summer I was able to live with her for 2 months which had positive tolls on my depression.
To wrap it all up, I feel like I have never seen the type of relationship that I cry for and it is incredibly terrifying. Completely terrifying. I want to know that there are people that can care as much for me as I do for them. Again, I expect flaw but I think the standard for interaction, morals, friendship, quality, etc. is just to low. Am I being to idealistic here? It's better I find out now.
 

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Hahas! Since you don't seem to be focused on finding the PERFECT relationship/friendship, I wouldnt say you're too idealistic! It's good that you're self aware, but at the same time you should also be aware of others. I'm not quite sure how to say this, but (at least to me!) it feels as if you may be too focused inwards on yourself so it's easier to see how you stand out instead of how you blend in with others. For all you know, it could merely be that you've never really spent enough time with someone for him/her to let you in and for you to let him/her in, which might be why you feel as if everyone is shallow! If you spend lots of time with someone you might find that he/she is actually way different than he/she appeared! Like for me, if you see me in public with my friends you'd probably think that I'm a stupid fool who only cares about fun, classmates who don't know me think I'm strange and dead. Only those who have taken the time to know me and vice versa know that I think quite deeply. Not necessarily academic stuff, but still!
 

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You have to ask yourself these questions. Why do you prefer your relationship with your biological mother? What is the difference between how she behaves towards you and how your father behaves towards you? then understand the different type of relationship and see if he can be that way? You got to accept these "shallow" relationships as you call it. As guy, do you expect your father to be as huggy or as comforting as your mother would be to you ?

This is something you got to learn for yourself, cos the intense relationship which you look for doesn't happen asap, and sometimes it does take time to build up. Your mother is probably more loving towards you cos you are his son, and that you guys live further away from one another, but on a day to day basis, friendships at school, if you slowly look and check out different friends and see their interests and so forth, you will find that you can have as strong a relationship with these people if you let yourself be.

I remember being such an emo at school, and I did hang around a group of friends who were into rock music and so forth. I was just happy to be in a group, but of course, there is the usual dramas. Someone falling out with others. Someone being more nasty and mean. You can tell who tries to do what etc. But these are things which you got to learn... to deal with.

It is not that you are being unrealistic and that you are being too idealistic. It is just that you want something which takes time to build up. You have to ask yourself very openly and honestly to your heart, do you want these intense relationships more is because you do not have that strong a connection at home, for example?

One thing I learnt very early on in life is that, I cannot choose my family. I had to find a way to deal with them. I am kind of pretty cool with my mother, and siblings, and just focused and put extra more energy into the other relationships which I liked more. Which were the ones with my aunties, or certain cousins etc. Years later, I realised the reason I did that was because they were also INxx. They understood me so much more. :)


Added: It is okay to want these things.. The question is how will you get these things. Have you communicated to both your parents how you wish your relationship to be etc? Whenever there is an opportunity, ask and show them what you prefer from them etc. Cos relationships do take two, and you can control what you say, see, and how you behave in order to bring about change. Idealism is really a future goal. Do not always just dwell on the desire goal, but think about what you can do right now to build a beautiful foundation for the future. I think time will tell you what you need to know. Even though I can say now, in my 30s, who I liked best when I was younger, it was time who showed me what, how and why.
 

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Hey, don't worry, you will find people to have those kind of relationships with, granted, you will find just a few, but you will! There are more people like you and who seek the same depth in relationship than you can imagine.

And about your parents, well, I'm sure they both love you, even your father (he does take care of your needs and cares about your future, right?), they probably just have a different love language than yours. Google the five love languages or check this link on PerC I found while searching, it may help you understand some things: http://personalitycafe.com/articles/112444-five-love-languages-explained.html
 
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