[dreamlover]

Hi!
I think everyone here knows the emotion related part for INTJ personality. So, I am not going to repeat it again here.
I have experienced a lot of problems with small talk. I just can't do it and its part of my personality so I accept it. But I realized that actually there is no other option and I have to learn about it as much as I can. I don't understand it well but my relationships are used to end abruptly and not a single time I understood why it broke up both romantic and friendships. The person just cuts all the ropes and become passive and I don't understand at all why it happened like that and people don't answer what problem they have with me even if I go myself and try to patch things up. I think it is more because of this small talk problem(But actually I have no idea what the reason might be). So any help is really appreciated.

 

[Shazzette]

Small talk? What is small talk?

Okay. I'm not sure that small talk is the only problem here. People usually cut off contact with another person because that person has done something to harm them. That something does not necessarily have to be physical. People can be hurt, badly on an emotional level. Especially when it feels like their needs are not being met in a relationship. The fact that this is happening to you all the time is a real worry. You need to get to the source of the problem.

Some more general advice (based on stereotypes) is this. Other people like to know that we value them. And we need to tell them that in a way they can understand. The thing about being an INTJ is you can care your little heart out about another person and they'll never even notice, because the way we choose to show it is somewhat out-of-syc with the other types.

You need to find out more about the other person, what makes them tick and then deliver in a way that makes them feel valued and appreciated. A good start is learning to bite your tongue, ask questions about their day and sometimes just let them talk without offering any opinions. It's about respecting the other person and their boundaries.

Finally, sometimes people of other types don't always get that INTJs need alone time. Try not to punish them or push them away. Explain calmly and patiently your need for space and show that you still respect and value the other person.

 

[dreamlover]

Small talk? What is small talk?

Okay. I'm not sure that small talk is the only problem here. People usually cut off contact with another person because that person has done something to harm them. That something does not necessarily have to be physical. People can be hurt, badly on an emotional level. Especially when it feels like their needs are not being met in a relationship. The fact that this is happening to you all the time is a real worry. You need to get to the source of the problem.

Some more general advice (based on stereotypes) is this. Other people like to know that we value them. And we need to tell them that in a way they can understand. The thing about being an INTJ is you can care your little heart out about another person and they'll never even notice, because the way we choose to show it is somewhat out-of-syc with the other types.

You need to find out more about the other person, what makes them tick and then deliver in a way that makes them feel valued and appreciated. A good start is learning to bite your tongue, ask questions about their day and sometimes just let them talk without offering any opinions. It's about respecting the other person and their boundaries.

Finally, sometimes people of other types don't always get that INTJs need alone time. Try not to punish them or push them away. Explain calmly and patiently your need for space and show that you still respect and value the other person.

This seems good but I don't think I understood. Here I give you one little example,
Once my sister(She is just beginning to understand me a little) asked me for an advice about if her PC is repairable or not and what she should buy then. I gave her advice in actually 2-3 sentenced and I was talking for an hour about why she should do what I am telling her to do. At that time I thought Its necessary to tell her the whole thing. But later while we were having argument about some similar issue she reminded me of this instance and told me that I should have stopped after those 2-3 sentences I used to answer the main question.
Now here she told me what the problem was so after that instance I never spoke more than required as she wasn't interested and she told me so. This is what I mean. She told me whats wrong and I understood then I don't know why any other person in the world never tell me what exactly is wrong and just cut the ropes. This is my question.

 

[57248]

You will be surprised how sensitive most people are, even some NTs. I think NTJs are the least sensitive types.

In the early stage of a relationship, the guy (an NT) I dated got hurt a lot, which I didn't know why at all. But I could tell he was upset with me during the conversation. He would leave the room, and come back an hour later after rationalizing everything. He was really into me, so he was willing to work with me and communicate with me.

When you deal with a feeler, it will get worse, much worse. The guy (IxFP) showed no sign of anger or being upset during the conversation, but gave me the silent treatment for months post conversation. I still don't know how to get him talk.

Not only what you say, but also your tone and body language are all being interpreted in a "twisted" way by others.

 

[Devrim]

It's just not who you are,
Don't try and make yourself something you're not!

I love my INTJ friends and loved one for their ability to listen,
And have meaningful discussions with me!
What you may find is that those friends and relationships end because when you aren't having small talk,
You just have silence,
And that can perturb many people,
Or the rate of deeper discussions can drain some even!

Don't let it get you down!
I for one love INTJ's,
And I am ENFJ,
Supposedly we love small talk(I personally don't care for it!).
Find the right people and treasure them!

Though if you do feel like creating small talk,
Then just make it simple and short,
Maybe about a game they like?

Fast and simple as I say!
Or replace small talk with something to do!
Like walk,
Go out,
So forth(Thats for romantic though).

I'll add some personal experience:
One of my Ex's was an INTJ,
And he didn't like small talk!
But what we found was that once you come to accept it,
And accept the no talking,
It's actually a very rewarding relationship!
When I felt I wanted to do something closer with him,
I always just did something with him,
Such as a game or went out

He didn't feel pressured to make small talk,
And I didn't feel awkward with the silences ;D