Relationships and the INFJ *dramatic music*

I had doubts and I did date often just to see what would happen. I think it was actually pretty eye opening and broadened my perspectives, made me less pessimistic, gave me more confidence and ability to deal with people and contribute to society. Romantic relationships are the most intense and as such teach the most lessons. I found I had an inner detachedness in me and how that affected the people I dated which I was oblivious to. Sometimes I was faced with the reality of having inadvertently hurt people and that has changed me. I learnt that I deny much experience form myself by pre-emptively analysing it to death and discarding because I forgot that the journey is also important. I found out that despite knowing something was not right in the end sometimes it's worth taking the ride because being on the ride changes us despite the outcome. I found out that sometimes feelings grow when we get to know someone better and sometimes they are there, like an old friend, already present.

first of all, about how young do we talk about here?
14-16? 16-18? 18-21?
dating at young age is always a pretty sharp blade.
experience is always a good thing, especially in love.
you need experience to know what you're looking for in your partner.
and 6 months is a pretty long time for a youngster

i had my first "true" relationship at the age of 17, after some unimportant little things that did not last longer than a month.... this one lasted 1 1/2 year!
so, what did i learn?
actually just one very important lesson.

dont make yourself dependent from your partner.

i did it, and hell did i get disappointed.
after doing almost anything for her, she dumped me for being to quiet and clinging.
her friends(!) said, im more like her shadow than her "man".
so after all, she left me.
i fell into a deep dark hole for 6 months, lost my eduacation as surgical assistant, lost my apartment in the city....

it has been 2 years now, and i haven't dated anyone in this time.
got a bit careful in this topic.

as always, sorry for any grammar issues

Vanishing Point said:

I had doubts and I did date often just to see what would happen. I think it was actually pretty eye opening and broadened my perspectives, made me less pessimistic, gave me more confidence and ability to deal with people and contribute to society. Romantic relationships are the most intense and as such teach the most lessons. I found I had an inner detachedness in me and how that affected the people I dated which I was oblivious to. I found out that despite knowing something was not right in the end sometimes it's worth taking the ride because being on the ride changes us despite the outcome. I found out that sometimes feelings grow when we get to know someone better and sometimes they are there, like an old friend, already present.

Click to expand...

Wow. Firstly, thankyou for your reply; it's honestly wonderful to know I'm not the only one.
I've also realised I have had detachments whilst in relationships. It must be a defence mechanism, which makes sense because you don't want to throw your inner being out there to be immediately rejected. What I find almost scary in a sense however is not knowing what exactly i'm hiding. I want to know what it is so that I can work on it and consequently slowly bring it out. Perhaps it's the other persons job to do that though? If they really want to get to know you, they need to work for it and discover it.

I also completely agree on the discovery side of taking the plunge. In the experience that I've had, I've learnt a great deal. A problem is with that however, that we lose sense of ourselves and consequently veer away from self-discovery. For me personally it is very difficult to both dedicate myself to my own needs as well as theirs, and thus sense of self is ignored.

Oh the joys of finding balance

Blothmath said:

first of all, about how young do we talk about here?
14-16? 16-18? 18-21?
dating at young age is always a pretty sharp blade.
experience is always a good thing, especially in love.
you need experience to know what you're looking for in your partner.
and 6 months is a pretty long time for a youngster

i had my first "true" relationship at the age of 17, after some unimportant little things that did not last longer than a month....
so, what did i learn?
actually just one very important lesson.

dont make yourself dependent from your partner.

i did it, and hell did i get disappointed.
after doing almost anything for her, she dumped me for being to quiet and clinging.
her friends(!) said, im more like her shadow than her "man".
so after all, she left me.
i fell into a deep dark hole for 6 months, lost my eduacation as surgical assistant, lost my apartment in the city....

it has been 2 years now, and i haven't dated anyone in this time.
got a bit careful in this topic.

as always, sorry for any grammar issues

Click to expand...

I am turning 18 in a few months, and am in first year of university. So still a 'youngster' i guess! haha XD

I'm terribly sorry about how it turned out for you in that relationship As i said in the post i just did (sorry about the 2 posts) I guess the hardest thing is finding balance between loving yourself and loving them. Get the balance wrong, and inevitably your happiness, and theirs, is in jeopardy.

Sophia12 said:

Wow. Firstly, thankyou for your reply; it's honestly wonderful to know I'm not the only one.
I've also realised I have had detachments whilst in relationships. It must be a defence mechanism, which makes sense because you don't want to throw your inner being out there to be immediately rejected. What I find almost scary in a sense however is not knowing what exactly i'm hiding. I want to know what it is so that I can work on it and consequently slowly bring it out. Perhaps it's the other persons job to do that though? If they really want to get to know you, they need to work for it and discover it.

I also completely agree on the discovery side of taking the plunge. In the experience that I've had, I've learnt a great deal. A problem is with that however, that we lose sense of ourselves and consequently veer away from self-discovery. For me personally it is very difficult to both dedicate myself to my own needs as well as theirs, and thus sense of self is ignored.

Oh the joys of finding balance

Click to expand...

Yeah I know what you mean. It's definitely a balancing act and usually one swings from one extreme to another until settling somewhere in the middle. That's what I think though has to be done. I kind of feel INFJs would often like to skip the process and go straight to the result. Learning to be in the process and understand the meaning of just experiencing (I guess Se...) is the task. Others needs (Fe) versus self (Ni)...To marry the detached removed self that deals with these abstract ideas and archetypes with the reality of having to be a real human animal who gets their hands dirty, has not such lofty needs and often times fumbles. It's kind of our specific challenge. But it ain't always purdy. :laughing:

Vanishing Point said:

Yeah I know what you mean. It's definitely a balancing act and usually one swings from one extreme to another until settling somewhere in the middle. That's what I think though has to be done. I kind of feel INFJs would often like to skip the process and go straight to the result. Learning to be in the process and understand the meaning of just experiencing (I guess Se...) is the task. Others needs (Fe) versus self (Ni)...To marry the detached removed self that deals with these abstract ideas and archetypes with the reality of having to be a real human animal who gets their hands dirty, has not such lofty needs and often times fumbles. It's kind of our specific challenge. But it ain't always purdy. :laughing:

Click to expand...

Skipping the process and going head first for the result - that is very true! I guess we can have such a romanticised and set idea about what could be that it sometimes it makes us highly impatient in wanting the end result, aka, the best possible outcome.
Oh Se, why must we comfort thee, let us bathe in Ni forever.

I can relate to all of this. I have detachment sometimes in relationships. I think it's self-protective, a bit. I can love though; I've loved fiercely, passionately, perhaps insanely. And that was hard. It HURTS.

I think I've "gone with the flow" often in relationships. But what I've learned is that love grows. It develops at its own pace and in strange times. Sometimes it's an immediate wildfire (not often though...), where you meet and "click" and the minds open up, and you get all loopy and limerent. But I've learned that those immediate "love" feelings are more often infatuation. It's not a mature, sustained love. I have grown to love people over time, slowly. And at some point, love is a choice. The more guarded you are, the more walls you have up, the more you have to let yourself fall. The falling will not be as simple and natural as it was when you were young. But real love withstands time - I think, perhaps, I love my high school ex-boyfriend more now than I did when we dated in high school. We know each other so well. There's a trust that we will never hurt each other, will always be there for each other. (We are not dating and have not dated since we were kids, btw, but we have a part of each other).

I find that the more someone reveals of their core essence to you, the easier it is to love them (providing you like what you see). I find it hard to love people who are uncomplicated, or not vulnerable, or simple souls - not passionate. Perhaps this is a problem, because relationships with complicated, passionate people are difficult, fraught, can even be unhealthy. But I don't think I've ever fallen in love with an "S"-type, although I've had extremely healthy relationships with them. But I always felt like they just never got me, and I always felt, even when we were physically together, that I was alone.

Well, my first dating relationship happened when I was 21 years old. Didn't really have doubts as much as a mountain of ignorance when it came to relationships to get through. The fondness came and went as in a sense I was extremely immature and so the girlfriend was kind of like a new toy that when I wanted a relationship, we had one and when I didn't want it, there wasn't one. Yeah, I was quite the jerk but that was my first relationship. There weren't really even that many dates in the beginning as we lived in the same dorm house a floor apart. It was quite quick looking back on it now.

Within a couple of months, we had what others viewed as a marriage as I spent more nights in her room than my own. Thus, it was quite an interesting experience.

Since that relationship finally ended after a few rounds of getting back together and breaking up again, I have had a few dates but no relationships that have really lasted. Thus, I could see myself as still being somewhat ignorant and now I'm 38.

I doubt you would feel an earth shaking love since you haven't known him very long. You can't love someone that you don't know well yet to that degree. People too busy impressing one another in the beginning. I guess you can love the idea of someone but that's not really them.

I take it you still haven't figured out what you want? Take some time to figure that out (even though you're dating). That will give you some clarity I think.

I'm going to use myself as an example and hopefully give you another perspective on this, and I hope I don't come across as egocentric (some ISTPs said I sounded egocentric because I used myself as an example when trying to explain something to another). I'm just trying to help
When I first started dating my boyfriend now, I had the same feelings as you, there was no ground shaking feeling of love and the connection basically didn't feel deep enough. We also never fought which was confusing to me because I thought of it as another example of the 'lack' of love between us, it felt more like a friendship tbh. But we've been in a relationship now for almost a year and all I can say is if you just give it some time, love can grow, that bond can really grow into something magnificent (and mind you I'm quite the firm believer of love at first site or nothing before). I find that INFJs are very prone to doubting relationships because we have an idealism, specially in the field of love, but as we mature we will find out that just because reality doesn't match 100% with our expectations doesn't make it any less valid.
However, if you know you're only in this relationship to try it out and never felt any connection in any form from the beginning, then this might not be for you. Love can grow but only if there is an attraction of some sort between the two people in the first place

and I'm turning 19, been in 4 relationships excluding the casual dates and stuff, so this is a young adults POV if that helps somehow

Sunset in paradise said:

I'm going to use myself as an example and hopefully give you another perspective on this, and I hope I don't come across as egocentric (some ISTPs said I sounded egocentric because I used myself as an example when trying to explain something to another). I'm just trying to help
When I first started dating my boyfriend now, I had the same feelings as you, there was no ground shaking feeling of love and the connection basically didn't feel deep enough. We also never fought which was confusing to me because I thought of it as another example of the 'lack' of love between us, it felt more like a friendship tbh. But we've been in a relationship now for almost a year and all I can say is if you just give it some time, love can grow, that bond can really grow into something magnificent (and mind you I'm quite the firm believer of love at first site or nothing before). I find that INFJs are very prone to doubting relationships because we have an idealism, specially in the field of love, but as we mature we will find out that just because reality doesn't match 100% with our expectations doesn't make it any less valid.
However, if you know you're only in this relationship to try it out and never felt any connection in any form from the beginning, then this might not be for you. Love can grow but only if there is an attraction of some sort between the two people in the first place

and I'm turning 19, been in 4 relationships excluding the casual dates and stuff, so this is a young adults POV if that helps somehow

Click to expand...

Thankyou! It's not egocentric in the slightest, it's actually really very reassuring I'm so happy it's worked out for you! This guy and I definitely have some sort of connection at this point in time, otherwise I most definitely would have said "no". At this point in time I think i can say my good old Ni is saying if this does work out, it'll be really good so who knows! Just gotta see what happens

I'm also going to use myself as an example here. Before meeting my husband, I was the kind of INFJ that spent time dreaming of a white knight (or a dark knight ), and the kind of intense emotional romance. I used to believe in only start dating someone after being friends and knowing him well, and having strong feelings already, but with him things happened pretty fast: met him in a MMORPG game, and then started talking online, and then started meeting in the real life (they were just for hanging out rather than dates), and then we became bf/gf. All happened within 3 weeks.
At first, I didn't feel anything strong. He seemed interesting and we started to have a crush on each other. But as we began to be together, feelings and affection grew day by day.
I don't think that with him, I would get any earth shaking romance lol simply coz he's an ISTJ and I'm an INFJ. Thought what I feel for him is real and deep, an affection and love that developed through all these years (7 years and half together already - married last year).

But you can bet that I was insecure at first! Thing is, I had high expectations, and when he didn't fit them, I've thought that we were not made for each other, or that something was not right. For example, I used to associate how expressing someone is with affection to the barometer of regard and love he feels for me. He is not expressive like me, so I've thought that he didn't have feelings for me. But he came to show other ways of genuine care, like truly being there for me, when no one else is.

IMO, depending on what you truly want, earth shaking romance passion is not necessarily important, and there are other important things too. Love develops by time, by shared experiences and memories, and fondness for each other, as well as affection and intimacy. Of course, it's important that a partner doesn't become just a roommate and is still a lover, thought a lover doesn't always makes our hearts go crazy. Thought they can still make your heart race for a sec from time to time.

Also, then there are lows and highs in love too. There are times that passion wouldn't be there, and you might feel more irritation for each other rather. After all, when we have a deeper bond with someone, we are bound to have bigger conflicts with them.


All in all, in the end you have to find out, are you happy with the person beside you? You don't have to have great romance or bliss, as long as you are happy and that person becomes important in your life, and is who you want to come home to at the end of the day.

I have a bit of an unromantic view of relationships, I guess.

Oxytocin is the love chemical. Make that happen between you and you get love.

Are you doing anything with him that inspires this bonding chemical? Laughing, spending time, opening up to eachother, sharing intimate thoughts/moments, etc.

If you want to love him, its easy to create it with oxytocin-inducing activities.

Delilah said:

I have a bit of an unromantic view of relationships, I guess.

Oxytocin is the love chemical. Make that happen between you and you get love.

Are you doing anything with him that inspires this bonding chemical? Laughing, spending time, opening up to eachother, sharing intimate thoughts/moments, etc.

If you want to love him, its easy to create it with oxytocin-inducing activities.

Click to expand...

PARTY POOPER ALERT haha xD

Delilah said:

Or realist?

Click to expand...

Chemicals don't explain why you click with some,
And not with others

NON-REALIST xD

Mzansi said:

Chemicals don't explain why you click with some,
And not with others

NON-REALIST xD

Click to expand...

Biology, chemicals or not, if that's all there is to love, I don't want to live in a world like that.

I'll stay in the fantasy of my own mind. "sometimes I believe in as many as 6 impossible things before breakfast." - Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland.