[Raichan]

I am a moving paradox. Thus, at some point in the past, I think I had portrayed some victim mentality in my attitude. You're familiar with that, right? Words like,'' this shouldn't have happened to me.. a person I cared about had fooled me, it's not my fault but I have to suffer for it.. I shouldn't have been controlled, pushed against my will, now look what has happened to me, what am I supposed to do and why can't anyone understand how hard it's been?'' most likely come out from the victim mentality. I let myself float a while in anger and the blaming others game.

At one point, honestly, it was nice to sink in my comfort zone and I admit, I find it hard to let it go (which is possibly one of the main reasons why my female best friend wants me to grow out of it, even if it means spending a lot of time apart from her or even if it means we don't contact each other ever again. Yes the one thing I should be thankful for in my life is that I have friends whose sincerity I never doubt ever). I relied a lot (okay too much) on my second ex and my closest friends to support me emotionally and even psychologically. To the point that they had assumed roles of 'saviors' 'protectors' in my life (I have a feeling my guy best friend may not adjust well to a change in me at first, since he's used to that role!)

However, later, I get tired of it. I don't want my past to define me, that's pure insanity. I have more than just my past to offer myself and my life. I don't want to be stopped by fears of people possibly judging me as a result of my past and things that I can't justify. I want to be the leader of my life, I don't want to talk and act like a victim. I don't want to portray some sort of victim mentality in front of people in my life anymore - not my ex, not my friends, and not even my family. I want to stop blaming certain people for things that have happened, I don't want anyone to stop me from leading. It's not easy, I don't feel used to it but I want it so badly. It's a source of drive and friction, but you often don't get the things that you want the most for free right? I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground and remind myself A LOT that I don't want to be saved, protected, pampered like I was in the past no matter how tempting it seems.

Why can't I be powerful enough to rise above everything that has happened to me and make all the good I can out of them? I don't want anyone to have too much influence over my thoughts, over how I lead my life, over how I define my expectations just because I used to be in too much pain.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[wiarumas]

I'm not an INFP so I can't relate one bit, but I can maybe give 2 cents that might be helpful (since us ENTJs ooze with self esteem).

1. No matter how much you try to convince yourself, if you don't believe it, nothing will ever change.

2. You are responsible for you. Nobody else. Blaming others seems like a coping mechanism (which relates back to 1 about not believing it).

Instead of thinking about it and trying to change your thoughts, why not convince yourself by proving it to yourself with actions? You are the only one that help you feel accomplished and achieve a satisfied feeling.

Don't think about it - get motivated, go out there and do something. This, however, is subjective, and up to you on what needs to be done to overcome your lack of self confidence. For some people, its career goals - for others, it could be biking a mountain. Think about what you need to do to feel like you've achieved something and then work towards those goals.

 

[Raichan]

Don't think about it - get motivated, go out there and do something. This, however, is subjective, and up to you on what needs to be done to overcome your lack of self confidence. For some people, its career goals - for others, it could be biking a mountain. Think about what you need to do to feel like you've achieved something and then work towards those goals.

Thanks for your kind feedback.

I idealize a lot, so I do better in encouraging myself first (it's who I am so I own up to it). Heh. I do well with inspiration followed by goals.

 

[Raichan]

By the way to clarify (because I know thinkers tend to be more literal than metaphoric) I was also being partially metaphoric, partially literal.

I was basically talking about a new, independent self in me fighting against my past self. My new self is currently assuming more dominance, so I no longer have that 'victim mentality.' Nevertheless it still creeps in to tempt me at times. If I make sense.

I psychologically self analyze myself a lot, I can't help it, I have idealizing preference.

 

[hasenj]

When I was 12 I used to get beat up a lot in school, I would cry and stuff, and there was no one to protect me. eventually I learned that the only one who can save me is me, and luckily puberty was just around the corner so I became stronger physically without having to work much on it, but I started fighting back and people stopped attacking me.

My point is, if there was someone protecting me or fighting for me, I probably would've never felt the need to fight back.

But there might also be a cost to it.

After I became stronger, I also lost the ability to cry. I pretty much can't cry anymore. Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Even when I'm very emotional. The last time I cried was about 4 years ago and it only lasted for a few seconds, I was looking out the window and as soon as someone came in I wiped my tears and pretended there wasn't anything. I've been through many emotional situations during the last 5 years but that's the only time I remember myself crying.

Oh I just remembered another one: during episode 5 of Sailor Fuku to Kikanjuu (Sailor Suit and Machine Gun), and probably once (or maybe twice) times while watching One Litre of Tears. People usually cry buckets of tears over "One Litre of Tears"; I only cried probably once, if ever.

It's not that I work hard to not cry, quite the opposite, my subconscious probably works hard to prevent me from crying, and I have to work hard to force myself to shed tears. There were times when I wanted to cry but couldn't.

 

[Raichan]

^ I do hope that me being stronger and more independent will not make me emotionally cut off. I still want to be the emotional person that I usually am, without the past haunting me at the sides.

I.am.the.paradox.

 

[hasenj]

I'm still emotional, very .. actually. I think that's sort of what people mean by crying on the inside. I don't show my tears because deep down I think I'm afraid of appearing weak.