I am a moving paradox. Thus, at some point in the past, I think I had portrayed some victim mentality in my attitude. You're familiar with that, right? Words like,'' this shouldn't have happened to me.. a person I cared about had fooled me, it's not my fault but I have to suffer for it.. I shouldn't have been controlled, pushed against my will, now look what has happened to me, what am I supposed to do and why can't anyone understand how hard it's been?'' most likely come out from the victim mentality. I let myself float a while in anger and the blaming others game.
At one point, honestly, it was nice to sink in my comfort zone and I admit, I find it hard to let it go (which is possibly one of the main reasons why my female best friend wants me to grow out of it, even if it means spending a lot of time apart from her or even if it means we don't contact each other ever again. Yes the one thing I should be thankful for in my life is that I have friends whose sincerity I never doubt ever). I relied a lot (okay too much) on my second ex and my closest friends to support me emotionally and even psychologically. To the point that they had assumed roles of 'saviors' 'protectors' in my life (I have a feeling my guy best friend may not adjust well to a change in me at first, since he's used to that role!)
However, later, I get tired of it. I don't want my past to define me, that's pure insanity. I have more than just my past to offer myself and my life. I don't want to be stopped by fears of people possibly judging me as a result of my past and things that I can't justify. I want to be the leader of my life, I don't want to talk and act like a victim. I don't want to portray some sort of victim mentality in front of people in my life anymore - not my ex, not my friends, and not even my family. I want to stop blaming certain people for things that have happened, I don't want anyone to stop me from leading. It's not easy, I don't feel used to it but I want it so badly. It's a source of drive and friction, but you often don't get the things that you want the most for free right? I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground and remind myself A LOT that I don't want to be saved, protected, pampered like I was in the past no matter how tempting it seems.
Why can't I be powerful enough to rise above everything that has happened to me and make all the good I can out of them? I don't want anyone to have too much influence over my thoughts, over how I lead my life, over how I define my expectations just because I used to be in too much pain.
Sorry for the rant.
At one point, honestly, it was nice to sink in my comfort zone and I admit, I find it hard to let it go (which is possibly one of the main reasons why my female best friend wants me to grow out of it, even if it means spending a lot of time apart from her or even if it means we don't contact each other ever again. Yes the one thing I should be thankful for in my life is that I have friends whose sincerity I never doubt ever). I relied a lot (okay too much) on my second ex and my closest friends to support me emotionally and even psychologically. To the point that they had assumed roles of 'saviors' 'protectors' in my life (I have a feeling my guy best friend may not adjust well to a change in me at first, since he's used to that role!)
However, later, I get tired of it. I don't want my past to define me, that's pure insanity. I have more than just my past to offer myself and my life. I don't want to be stopped by fears of people possibly judging me as a result of my past and things that I can't justify. I want to be the leader of my life, I don't want to talk and act like a victim. I don't want to portray some sort of victim mentality in front of people in my life anymore - not my ex, not my friends, and not even my family. I want to stop blaming certain people for things that have happened, I don't want anyone to stop me from leading. It's not easy, I don't feel used to it but I want it so badly. It's a source of drive and friction, but you often don't get the things that you want the most for free right? I have to keep my feet firmly on the ground and remind myself A LOT that I don't want to be saved, protected, pampered like I was in the past no matter how tempting it seems.
Why can't I be powerful enough to rise above everything that has happened to me and make all the good I can out of them? I don't want anyone to have too much influence over my thoughts, over how I lead my life, over how I define my expectations just because I used to be in too much pain.
Sorry for the rant.